Anyway, we can talk about this episode of Everybody Loves Draven, or we can watch it. Let’s watch it.

But it looks like my cash cow has dried up. No one will be asking for either of those anymore because it exists right here. And it’s pretty terrific. Check it.

Well, the hunt is on for a replacement, with Channing Tatum’s name being tossed around in the rumor mill. Huh. I just got done saying it was hard to imagine an actor that had less in common with The Crow’s Eric Draven, and yet someone was able to find one so quickly! Gotta love Hollywood.

While a studio might go for a pretty face and hope the rest sorts itself out, let’s weigh a few names that actually share some characteristics with the dark avenger, and see if we can’t do a better job than “Channing F*cking Tatum.” I bet we can.

5. Enrique Iglesias

I introduced this entry as a joke because through his videos, Iglesias has so much experience moving in slow-motion through the rain, but I inadvertently sold myself on this one. The fact is that The Crow/Eric Draven seems to be more about the façade than it does about the actor, and Enrique Iglesias is an attractive musician that does brooding better than anyone. Should you revisit Once Upon a Time in Mexico, you’d see that he can play a quiet badass surprisingly well.

4. Robert Pattinson

I’m legally obligated to put him on this list. Sure, his Twilight character and performance don’t exactly move my meter, but his turn in Water for Elephants demonstrated some chops, and the fact that he was chosen by David Cronenberg to star in the upcoming Cosmopolis is also very promising. He’s a more age-appropriate choice than Bradley Cooper, and think of all the money they’d save on pancake makeup by carting out his pale British ass.

3. Gael Garcia Bernal

I know that I’ve gone two out of three entries with Latinamerican heartthrobs, and believe me, it will be something I address with my therapist next Tuesday. I think the Latin loner sensibility plays well here. Remember that the original Crow, Brandon Lee, was Bruce Lee’s kid, so those who remember the character as a corn-fed white boy are horrible, horrible racists. Bernal is probably the most accomplished actor on this list, as he’s appeared in Amores Perros, Babel, and as Che Guevera in The Motorcycle Diaries. With that pedigree, I’m sure he’ll be able to fire a machine gun, scream up towards the sky, and say “It can’t rain all the time,” with a degree of competency.

But what other actor in Hollywood could be so totally wrong for the role?

Mark Wahlberg‘s name has come up again. He was originally offered the film but a deal was never put into place. However, if he still has access to the wig he wore in Rock Star, this could be the right fit. Another name being floated out there is Channing Tatum, who could also work in a that-totally-doesn’t-work kind of way. All I know is that the filmmakers only have a handful of chances to screw up this reboot, and casting is the best place to start. That’s why they should take a chance and look into David Hyde Pierce’s availability. (THR)

The project is intended to be a more gritty take than the original 1994 adaptation which was pretty gritty in its own right. Bradley Cooper is set to star as the vengful goth spirit whose soul cannot rest until he avenges his wife’s murder. So I guess this is actually more a gritty reboot of Bradley Cooper‘s image. Can’t imagine him covered in pancake and burning heroin addicts alive, but the threat of having to do Kate Hudson rom-coms does funny things to a man. (Variety)

Those words have apparently been uttered. Probably by a 45-year female studio executive who suggests Bradley Cooper for everything from The Muppets to The Expendables 2. Well, it appears someone must owe this fictitious executive a favor, because she got some traction on what may be the most mismatched pairing of role and actor since Gary Coleman was initially pegged to play Wyatt Earp in Tombstone.

Juan Carlos Fresnadillo is now attached to direct the reboot, which does nothing to change the fact that this is a very, very odd choice. The rumor mill claims he’s “in negotiations” to star in the film. How far along he is, or what role he’ll play (I would actually love to see him as a sleazy villain) remains to be seen.

Whatever the case may be, the important thing is that we, as Internet denizens, overreact to the news as wildly as possible without gathering any more information. Let’s go. (THR)

_{In retrospect, I shouldn’t have attempted this.}

Bloody Disgusting is reporting that Mark Wahlberg has been offered the opportunity to get really super emo in The Crow. The original big screen adaptation was directed by Alex Proyas and followed Eric Draven, who is murdered and comes back to kill the men responsible for putting down him and his fiancée. Brandon Lee was accidently killed by a loaded gun during filming. I say nothing is an accident when Michael Wincott is on set.

Hasn’t Wahlberg kind of already done this role in Max Payne? He didn’t wear makeup and sling an ax (that’s a guitar, for all you squares), but he got revenge for his family’s murder with moody music and lighting. My guess is nothing will come of this rumor. Wahlberg should know better than to take the reigns from Crow: Salvation‘s Eric Mabius of ABC’s "Ugly Betty."