“The other Capone, Nucky! Alphonse Gabriel Capone!!”

Actor Ben Gazzara has passed away from pancreatic cancer at the age of 81. You probably remember him best as pornographer Jackie Treehorn in the Coen Brothers‘ classic, The Big Lebowski, or as monster-truck owning small-town dictator Brad Wesley in Road House. In fact, if you don’t know Gazzara from at least one of those roles, you are an awful person who needs to reassess his or her life.

Of course, I don’t want to reduce the man down to two roles in a career that lasted nearly 60 years, and included both stage and screen. But I’ll always remember him for bringing JCPenney’s to town, and for making great strides in the field of interactive erotic software. The wave of the future, Dude. One hundred percent electronic!

R.I.P.

We’ve already lost many a great one. Please study the locations below so that we don’t lose another.

East 95th Street Bridge – The Blues Brothers

If you’ve ever sat in wait while a drawbridge raises, you’ve likely felt compelled to floor it and jump the sucker. If not, you’re lying to yourself. The Blues Brothers actually got to give in to this compulsion and take air over the East 95th Street Bridge in Chicago. Next time I’m in Chicago, I’m trying this. I’ll also try a Superdawg.

Chotchkie’s – Office Space

The nightmare of hellish food service chains was perfectly served up by Office Space’s Chotchkie’s. And though it was depicted as a place of misery, it’s also home to some of the movie’s more memorable scenes. Like Lassie, Chotchkie’s is actually a fictional bitch. The real restaurant that subbed for it is the now closed Austin’s Alligator Grill. I guess the loss of Initech really hurt profits.

The Clocktower – Back To The Future

Though the Hill Valley Clock Tower featured in Back to the Future was actually a set built specifically for the movie, fans were welcome to visit it along with other locations from the film at Universal Studios. We’ve almost lost the cherished Clock Tower a few times. Once when lightning hit it in the 1950′s, then again when it was damaged by fire at the theme park in both the 1990′s and 2008. Someone needs to put this thing on 24 hour watch.

Enjoy the Jack-o’-lanterns. Happy Halloween.

So if you’re in the market for an assistant, but don’t have a lot of extra cash to spend on a pedigreed butler, just swing by Home Depot, pick up a day laborer, toss him in a tux, then show him the following films so he can learn how to really serve his employer.

Howard Weinstein – Father of the Bride

This snobby assistant (played flawlessly by B.D. Wong) lives to serve wedding guru Franck Eggelhoffer. With an oddly Jewish name, the Asian assistant seems to do most of the heavy lifting. Sadly, his appearance was a full decade before the Bluetooth age, otherwise, you can bet dollars to donuts that he would be rocking one in each ear, while explaining why you can’t in good conscience spend less than $3,400 for the groom’s cake.

Indicative exchange:

George: Are you Franck?
Howeard: Hahaha. I wish.

Brandt – The Big Lebowski

Humor is overrated, especially in an assistant. I prefer canine-like devotion, as does Mr. Lebowski, apparently. Brandt certainly fits that description. While enthusiasm doesn’t seem to be his strong suit, he’s got a job to do, and he’s going to do it. Further, he suffers abuse from his employer pretty well, which is a really nice trait, especially considering how much we will all want to torment our butlers and assistants once we hire them. I mean, that’s the point, right?

Just because he has no sense of humor doesn’t mean you can’t still treat him like crap, just like The Big Lebowski does.

Indicative exchange:

Bunny Lebowski: I’ll suck your cock for a thousand dollars.
Brandt: Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We’re all, we’re all very fond of her. Very free-spirited.
Bunny Lebowski: Brandt can’t watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred.
Brandt: Ah haha. That’s marvelous.
The Dude: Uh, I’m just gonna go find a cash machine.

Special thanks to The Gif Lebowski.

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Due to popular demand, Universal Studios Home Entertainment will stream the cast Q&A live from Facebook for all you Achievers to enjoy.

Just tune in today at http://www.facebook.com/BigLebowskiMovie for a pre-show interview with the real “Dude” Jeff Dowd at 6:30pm ET, followed by the Q&A at 8:00pm ET with Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, John Turturro  and T Bone Burnett for a very special evening celebrating all things Lebowski.

And don’t forget, The Big Lebowski is now available for purchase on Limited Edition Blu-Ray. Now you can enjoy John Goodman at his sweaty best!

The easily-broken into property offers one bedroom, living room, small kitchen and bath. Though not the largest of dwellings, the room can easily be tied together with the addition of a rug. Contact Bulldog Realtors if interested. Of course, for just $100K more, you can also own the home where Daniel Stern tried to murder Macauley Culkin.  (LA Weekly)

No. They’re not developing a sequel but they’d love to see one. When asked about Reid’s announcement, Ethan commented, “I’m glad she’s working on it.” When asked if the project were actually being developed, he responded, “Well, we don’t but we’ll watch it when it comes out.”

Joel then added, “Especially if Tara’s in it.”

Huh. I wouldn’t peg them as fans of Senior Skip Day. To each their own, I suppose. (via The Playlist)

How do you make one of the year’s greatest films even better? Simple! Remove any words that might offend fat middle-age housewives. At least that’s what Harvey Weinstein has in mind. The producer hopes to release an edited version of The King’s Speech in order to secure a PG-13 rating and (hopefully) a larger showing at the box office. Personally, I don’t hear a lot of kids between the ages of 13 and 16 clamoring to see films about early 20th Century British royalty, so I don’t really understand why it needs a PG-13 rating. Then again, I sleep on an old air mattress, and Harvey sleeps on a bed made of gold bricks and delicious lox, so I’m assuming he knows a little more than I do when it comes to making a profitable movie.

It’s easy to see why people (specifically, Tom Hooper, the film’s director) are worried about this move. Anyone who’s ever seen a film dubbed for television knows what this type of editing can do, and it’s not pretty. Case in point, the following nine examples!

Ghostbusters

Ghostbusters is a great film, but we can’t have it ruined by such foul language. What’s a good word to replace “dickless?” I know: “Wally Wick!” It’s perfect! In the immortal words of Tim and Eric, “Great Job.”

Scarface

If someone is willing to sit through Scarface, a movie about a psychotic Cuban gangster, why in hell would they give a flying f*ck about hearing the word “f*ck.” They probably don’t. But the sponsors do, which is the same reason I just used a “*” instead of typing out the whole word.

The Usual Suspects

“Give me the keys, you dirty c*ck sucker” vs. “Give me the keys, you fairy godmother.” Personally, I find the second phrase more offensive. At least “c*ck sucker” doesn’t imply I’m female. “Fairy godmother” does. I’m all man, god damn it!

Casino

This is another film that I simply can’t believe they bothered to dub. The whole movie is curse words and violence. Seeing the dubbed version is like watching the no-sex porn parodies, except a lot less funny.

Snakes on a Plane

This dub job is a joke, but then again, this whole movie was a joke, so I really don’t see the harm.

Die Hard 2

The “yippie kai yay” part sounds familiar, but who the hell is Mr. Falcon? If they’d been committed to the dub, they would have at least dubbed “Falcon” over the bad guy’s name earlier in the film.

Pulp Fiction

You take the curse words out of this film, and it really loses its luster. But when you take the brutal man-on-man forced sodomy away, it completely loses its soul. For shame, Bravo. For shame.

The Departed

I’m not sure what’s more annoying: the dub job, or the forced Irish accents. Just kidding! It’s obviously the Irish accents.

The Big Lewbowski

This is one example where watching the dubbed version might actually be funnier than the original. And if kids happen to be watching, they’ll learn a valuable lesson about not finding a stranger in the Alps.

The special will be followed by a re-broadcast of the “American Masters” documentary about The Doors. That’s cool. Just as long as it isn’t the fucking Eagles, man. (USA Today)

If there’s one guy who will never understand the complexities of The Matrix it’s probably The Dude. But that doesn’t stop Morpheus from trying. This mash-up beautifully cuts together the two movies to create a hilarious conversation between two characters who live life on completely different plains. Except for their fondness of narcotics. (FilmDrunk)

It made sense to produce a porn parody of box office juggernaut Avatar and television sensations "Dexter" and "The Jersey Shore", but I can’t say that The Big Lebowski deserves the same NSFW treatment. Never ever never not even once during a viewing of the Cohe Brothers film have I thought a cut to rough penetration was mysteriously absent. But hell, give the people what they want, and apparently the people want The Dude naked. I just thank my lucky stars they found someone to replace Tara Reid. No one needs to see that Frankenstein body floppin’ around.

Mark Pellegrino, the guy who plays Jacob on LOST and who dunked Richard’s head in the ocean last week, is also the thug from The Big Lebowski who dunks The Dude’s head in his own toilet. Someone put those scenes together in video form. (WarmingGlow)

"Where’re the links, Lebowski?!"

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