Best Art Direction: Hugo

Best Costume Design: The Artist

Best Film Editing: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Best Makeup: The Iron Lady

Best Sound Editing: Hugo

Best Sound Mixing: Hugo

Best Visual Effects: Hugo

Best Documentary (Feature): Undefeated

Best Documentary (Short Subject): Saving Face

Best Short Film (Animated): The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore

Best Short Film (Live Action): The Shore

Best Music (Original Score): The Artist – Ludovic Bource

Best Music (Original Song): “Man or Muppet,” The Muppets – Bret McKenzie

Best Foreign Language Film: A Separation – Iran

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year: Rango

Best Cinematography: Hugo

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published: The Descendants

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen: Midnight in Paris

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role: Octavia Spencer – The Help

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role: Christopher Plummer – Beginners

Best Achievement in Directing: Michel Hazanavicius – The Artist

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role: Jean Dujardin – The Artist

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role: Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady

Best Motion Picture of the Year: The Artist

As I publish, Uggie the Dog is no doubt snorting coke off of Salma Hayek‘s rack. Good for him. He earned it.

I refer naturally to Uggie.

Best Feature: The Artist

Best Female Lead: Michelle Williams for My Week with Marilyn

Best Male Lead: Jean Dujardin for The Artist

Best Supporting Female: Shailene Woodley for The Descendants

Best Supporting Male: Christopher Plummer for Beginners

Best Director: Michel Hazanavicius for The Artist

Best Screenplay: The Descendants – Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash

Best First Screenplay: 50/50 – Will Reiser

Best Cinematography: The Artist - Guillaume Schiffman

There you have it, folks. Isn’t it nice to finally be done with awards season?

If anything, this just proves how resilient the streaming industry is. Months ago, Netflix was more hated than Osama bin Laden. And today, they’ve got Uggie. There’s no stopping them. (via /Film)

However, it has been deemed that what DOES keep the circle jerk circle intact is Cirque de Soleil. Why? Because the Academy is going to make this night of in-jokes and self-congratulation whimsical and beloved as shit.

My first thought was, couldn’t they do that with an appearance by The Muppets?

And to an extent, they are, as Miss Piggy and Kermit will be presenting an award on next Sunday’s telecast, but at the end of the day, they’re puppets, and puppets don’t convey the classiness of the Oscars the way a mute bunch of Frenchmen in unitards do.

In context, the selection of Cirque de Soleil is in pretty good keeping with theme with this year’s ceremony which appears to be, “Eh. Sure.” I mean, when you’ve got Billy Crystal hosting something, the logical move is to pepper that something with clichéd performances by a group like Cirque de Soleil. Like Crystal, Cirque de Soleil manages to capture everyone’s attention while entertaining no one.

The only promise of Cirque de Soleil performing anywhere, is that, over time, the probability that something very terrible will happen keeps increasing. I don’t wish any of the members harm, but the ethereal being that is “Cirque de Soleil”; I wish that a lot of harm. I hope Cirque de Soleil gets bludgeoned by Hugh Jackman’s cane during one of his inevitable song and dance numbers.

My problem with Cirque de Soleil mirrors my problems with the Academy telecast, so it’s very fitting that the Academy really milks this announcement for all it’s worth today. The fact is, Cirque de Soleil is a pretty impressive mesh of choreography, on-stage talent, music, and production, exactly like the Oscars. It’s natural to respect such a spectacle. But extremely hard to enjoy.

The Academy raises the bar so high for spectacle and esteem, that its awards show neglects the entertainment value of the evening. People are supposed to have fun during the Oscars, both on stage and off, and that hasn’t happened for a long time. Sure, with The Muppets presenting, audiences will get a nostalgic chuckle, and perhaps a whiff of fun, but the Oscars use these instances far too sparingly, instead taking themselves far too seriously for a show about movie awards.

A few things I would rather see than Cirque de Soleil performing a competent, or even impressive routine:

• Christopher Walken doing almost anything.
• An extended shot of Samuel L. Jackson laughing uproariously in a Kangol hat, unable to believe that the producers “went there.”
• Kid Rock performing all the Best Song nominees while a memorial montage of Joe C. plays in the background. He would have been 38 this year, folks.
• A live advertisement that takes place on stage. I’m in love with this idea because it would inevitably cause a rift between the Academy, which would pocket the money directly, and ABC, which wouldn’t see a dime.
• A five-minute tribute by the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes to Jeremy Lin.

But mostly, more than I have ever wanted anything in the world, I would like Billy Crystal to take the stage to introduce Cirque de Soleil, only to announce that they would not be performing. A loud “thunk” would indicate that the Kodak Theater’s doors had been locked shut. All lights would dim, save for one spotlight illuminating a void on the stage, until Academy President Tom Sherak stepped briskly into the illuminated circle. He would clear his throat, then declare to the crowd:

Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the Academy, and fans of cinema alike, thank you for joining us on Hollywood’s most important evening. For 84 years now, the Oscars have commemorated not only the winners of the evening, but have also served as a snapshot of the state of film in particular, and, to a lesser extent, the state of the world in general.

However, in recent years, Hollywood has lost its way. Unchecked hubris and studios beholden to money above art have led to complacency among filmmakers. Sure, films like The Artist and Tree of Life serve as testaments to the medium, but it’s a sad state of affairs when films appear to be made for the sole purpose of getting an Oscar. The system has been manipulated. The rift between art and entertainment has grown too wide. The system must be overhauled, and I, as Academy President, have taken it upon myself to reinvent the system. Tasked with this reinvention, I cannot be burdened by insubordination of Academy members or, God forbid, “celebrities.”

The 84th Annual Oscars are over. The rest of the awards will be placed in an incinerator. It is my complete pleasure to inform you that you are all now attendants of the 1st Annual Hollywood Hunger Games. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the book. At least, I hope you are, as there will be no explanation given. Your time begins now.

Good luck to you all.

At that point, the house lights would come on while “Ride of the Valkyrie” comes blaring out of the orchestra pit. A puzzled, horrified look would appear on the face of every person in attendance until someone (probably Clint Eastwood or Tyler Perry) would just commence beating the ever-living shit out of the person next to them, serving as a catalyst for the orgy of violence that was to take place.

Bruce Vilanch would cackle shrilly, then announce to the crowd, “Let the games begin!” as he shot flaming arrows into the curtains of the Kodak theater in a clever homage to Inglourious Basterds.

And that’s when things would get interesting…

Chapter 2 to follow…

A representative for the Weinstein Company says that Uggie has “not been asked to participate or appear at the Oscars.” This is in direct opposition to what his trainer had said a few weeks back. Just level with us. Does Uggie even exist? Is he computer-generated? Or worse, has he died and is now being dragged around on fishing line a la Weekend at Bernies? (BBC)

Best Film: The Artist

Alexander Korda Award for Outstanding British Film of the Year: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Best Actor: Jean Dujardin, for The Artist

Best Actress: Meryl Streep, for The Iron Lady

Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, for Beginners

Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, for The Help

David Lean Award for Achievement in Direction: Michel Hazanavicius, for The Artist

Best Original Screenplay: The Artist

Best Adapted Screenplay: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Best Film not in the English Language: The Skin I Live In

Best Animated Feature Film: Rango

And here’s your obligatory joke about a silent movie winning Best Original Screenplay: Best Original Screenplay!? It’s a silent movie!! Boom.

After Thousands spent on vet bills by his trainer, Omar Von Miller, has determined that Uggie’s condition is neurological, leading me to believe that this dog simply doesn’t want to perform with Billy Crystal. I suffered from a similar neurological shaking disorder when I saw City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, and also when I saw a preview for Forget Paris. Knowing that you’re going to have to actually perform his schtick in person, with him, live, must be even more horrifying.

We wish Uggie a fast and safe recovery. Hang in there, Uggs! Vulture

The winners often dictate who will walk away with the Academy’s gold so, the results of last night’s 2012 SAG Awards may prove to shake up the Oscars race. The biggest news this year isn’t who won, but who didn’t. Critical darling and Oscars odds-on favorite The Artist walked away with nary an award. Jean Dujardin nabbed Best Actor, but beyond that the film didn’t score. That’s what you get when you don’t memorize your lines.

On TV, the big winners, as always, were Boardwalk Empire and Modern Family. Though individual awards did go to Alec Baldwin, Jessica Lange, and Betty White. Sofia Vergara won along with the rest of her co-stars for thier work as an ensemble on Modern Family. Perhaps she’ll be back next year for The Three Stooges.

Check out the full boat of winners and nominees.

Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture

Bridesmaids
The Artist
The Descendants
The Help
Midnight in Paris

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role

George Clooney, The Descendants
Demian Bichir, A Better Life
Leonardo DiCaprio, J. Edgar
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Brad Pitt, Moneyball

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role

Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Tilda Swinton, We Need to Talk About Kevin

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role

Nick Nolte, Warrior
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Armie Hammer, J. Edgar
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Christopher Plummer, Beginners

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role

Octavia Spencer, The Help
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs

Outstanding Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Motion Picture

The Adjustment Bureau
Cowboys & Aliens
“Harry Potter and the Deahtly Hallows – Part 2″
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
X-Men: First Class

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie Or Miniseries

Laurence Fishburne, Thurgood
Paul Giamatti, Too Big to Fail”
Greg Kinnear, The Kennedys
Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce
James Woods, Too Big to Fail

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie Or Miniseries

Diane Lane, Cinema Verite
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Emily Watson, Appropriate Adult
Betty White, The Lost Valentine
Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series

Patrick J. Adams, Suits
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall, Dexter

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series

Kathy Bates, Harry’s Law
Glenn Close, Damages
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Steve Carell, The Office
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series

Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Betty White, Hot In Cleveland

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series

Boardwalk Empire
Breaking Bad
Dexter
Game of Thrones
The Good Wife

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series

30 Rock
The Big Bang Theory
Glee
Modern Family
The Office

Outstanding Performance by a Stunt Ensemble in a Television Series

Dexter
Game of Thrones
Southland
Spartacus: Gods of the Arena
True Blood

Screen Actors Guild Awards 48th Annual Life Achievement Award

Mary Tyler Moore

(MTV)

It begs the question though. Is he for real retiring or retiring the way that rappers do?

“He may do a couple of little things here and there because he enjoys them, but I don’t want to put him through long hours anymore. He’s getting tired.”

I guess it’s for the best though. I’d hate to see him stuck in the lame dogs that play professional sports or helps kids solve mysteries rut. Besides, their is an heir to the throne.

“I think he will be fine with Dash stepping in,” addss Von Muller. “Uggie is 10 years old and has done a lot of work; he wants to relax at home. If somebody wants to do a movie with Uggie, they’ll just have to deal with Dash!”

Sad to see him go but time will reveal how this plays out. Anthony Hopkins tries this every few years too. We’ll see if it sticks. (Life & Style)

So, for those unfamiliar, here’s a quick rundown of the films jousting for the title of Best Picture. Like the Highlander, there can be only one.

The Artist

The first entry here is by far the most artsy, and perhaps least accessible by wide audiences. It’s a French film directed by Michel Hazanavicius, starring Jean Dujardin and Berenice Bejo. I’m actively rooting against this film just so I don’t have to type those names throughout March if it wins. The film follows a male film star in the twilight of his career and a female star on the upswing. So it’s kind of like A Star Is Born, which is another film our readers probably haven’t seen.

Anyway, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that the film is in black and white. Oh. And it’s largely silent. Content and merit aside, I could see the Academy going for this guy solely to show how damn sophisticated they are.

The Descendants

While it hasn’t made a splash at the box office (many nominees fail to), this Alexander Payne (Election, About Schmidt, Sideways) film has seemed to emerge as “the Oscar shoe-in that the masses are getting on board with.” It stars George Clooney as a laissez faire dad who has to get in touch with his kids in Hawaii after their mother suffers a boating injury and falls into a coma. Like much of Payne’s fare, this film is purported to be drier than a cracker, but the film has managed to nab other nods for both Clooney and Payne, so the powers that be are digging it.

Also, the film has Matthew Lillard in it, which I thought would preclude it from being nominated, but apparently not.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Jonathan Safran Foer wrote this well-received novel in 2005, focusing on one boy’s journey to make sense of his father’s death in the September 11th attacks. The source material’s reception wasn’t as warm as Foer’s previous effort, Everything Is Illuminated, but all the problems with the can be offset by the fact that this film has Tom f*cking Hanks, so the critics can go to hell.

This movie has been divisive, with many critics railing it for its heavy reliance on saccharine subject matter (“Remember 9/11? That sucked!”) and the performance of child star Thomas Horn, who they found to be unlikeable. It sucks to go on a journey with an unlikeable person.

By now you’ve probably seen Uggie, the lovable mutt who appeared in the Oscar-nominated film The Artist as well as the not-even-allowed-in-the-Oscar-parking-lot film, Water for Elephants. Well, while combing through his IMDb page, I came across this startling bit of trivia in the aptly named “trivia section.” As it turns out, Uggie the Dog “is a dog.” Crazy, right?

Now, I’m no dummy, so I know better than to believe everything I read on the Internet, especially if it’s dog related. After all, I’ve been hearing rumors that Katherine Heigl is a bitch for years, but last week when I brought her a bag of bacon flavored Beggin’ Strips outside the Golden Globes, she just looked at me like I was nuts before peeing on my leg and scampering away in a huff.

So, not wanting to get tricked again, I went to Snopes.com to verify the claim. Unfortunately, an entry on the subject has not yet been created, so for now, let’s just file this one as “undetermined.”

The nominees are:

BEST PICTURE
The Artist
War Horse
The Descendants
Moneyball
The Tree of Life
Midnight in Paris
The Help
Hugo
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

BEST DIRECTOR
Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
Martin Scorsese, Hugo
Woody Allen, Midnight in Paris
Terrence Malick, The Tree of Life

BEST ACTOR
Demian Bichir, A Better Life
George Clooney, The Descendants
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt, Moneyball

BEST ACTRESS
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis, The Help
Rooney Mara, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Nick Nolte, Warrior
Christopher Plummer, Beginners

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Berenice Bejo
Jessica Chastain
Melissa McCarthy
Janet McTeer
Octavia Spencer

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
The Artist
Bridesmaids
Margin Call
Midnight in Paris
A Separation

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
The Descendants
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
A Cat in Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss in Boots
Rango

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
A Separation
Footnote
In Darkness
Bullhead
Monsieur Lahzar

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Pina
Hell and Back Again
If A Tree Falls
Paradise Lost 3
Undefeated

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

The Artist
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
The Tree of Life
War Horse

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
The Adventures of Tintin
The Artist
Hugo
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
War Horse

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
“Man or Muppet” from The Muppets
“Real in Rio” from Rio

BEST EDITING
The Artist
The Descendants
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Moneyball

BEST ART DIRECTION
The Artist
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
War Horse

BEST COSTUME DESIGN
Anonymous
The Artist
Hugo
Jane Eyre
W.E.

BEST MAKEUP
Albert Nobbs
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
The Iron Lady

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Hugo
Real Steel
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Transformers: Dark of the Moon

BEST SOUND MIXING
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Moneyball
Hugo
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse

BEST SOUND EDITING
Drive
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse  

BEST ANIMATED SHORT
Dimanche/Sunday
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
La Luna
A Morning Stroll
Wild Life

BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT
Pentecost
Raju
The Shore
Time Freak
Tuba Atlantic

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT
The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement
God Is the Bigger Elvis
Incident in New Baghdad
Saving Face
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom

The nominees:

BEST DOG IN A THEATRICAL FILM
COSMO as Arthur – BEGINNERS (Focus Features)
UGGIE as Queenie  – WATER FOR ELEPHANTS (Fox)
DENVER as Skeletor – 50/50 (Summit Entertainment/ Mandate Pictures)
HUMMER as Dolce – YOUNG ADULT (Paramount/Mandate)
UGGIE as The Dog – The Artist (The Weinstein Company)

BEST DOG IN A FOREIGN FILM
KOKO as Red Dog – RED DOG (Roadshow Films, Australia)
LAIKA as Herself – LE HAVRE (Janus Films, France)
BIINA as Alf – THE DAY THE DOGS DISAPPEARED (Nippon Television, Japan)
ICHICO as Tao – THE DAY THE DOGS DISAPPEARED (Nippon Television, Japan)

BEST DOG IN A TELEVISION SERIES
ROCKY as Arnold – ENTOURAGE(HBO)
CHUNK as Himself – CHELSEA LATELY (E! Entertainment Television)
BRIDGITTE as Stella – MODERN FAMILY (ABC)
DART as Chance – HOT IN CLEVELAND (TV Land)
JASON GANNS as Wilfred – WILFRED (FX)
LAMPCHOP as Yakult – SUBURGATORY (ABC)

BEST DOG IN A REALITY TELEVISION SERIES
GIGGY – THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS / Lisa Vanderpump (Bravo)
MILLOU – THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK CITY / Sonja Morgan (Bravo)
JACKPOT – THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS / Adrienne Maloof (Bravo)
SPARTACUS – ICE LOVES COCO / Coco (E! Entertainment)
HERCULES – PIT BOSS / Shorty Rossi (Animal Planet)

BEST DOG IN A DIRECT-TO-DVD FILM
FRED as B Dawg – SPOOKY BUDDIES (Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment)
GASTON as Beethoven – BEETHOVEN’S CHRISTMAS ADVENTURE (Universal Home Entertainment)
ANGEL as Chloe – BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA 2 (Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment)
ROWDY  as Marley – Marley & Me: The Puppy Years (Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment)
RUSCO as Papi – Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 (Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment)

GOLDEN COLLAR HUMANITARIAN AWARD: Charlize Theron
GOLDEN COLLAR LEGENDS AWARD: Robert Vince

First of all, just give Uggie his award now. That dog is a treasure.

Secondly, please find some kind of award for Stains the Cupcake Dog. Though no longer in the spotlight, he’s very deserving.

(The Wrap)

Good news. You can exercise these sociopathic tendencies fluidly by adhering to this guide. The tips presented here allow you to appear superior to others, with the added benefit of suggesting that you have no regard for their opinions or existence.

- Constantly Pepper Your Discussion With The Phrase “Duality Of Man”
 
- Only Discuss It In The Context of Other, More Obscure and Pretentious Films You’re Sure No One Has Seen
 
- When Someone Tries To Make A Point About The Film Smile Incredulously As You Slowly Take Off Your Square Glasses
 
- Keep The Fact That You Haven’t Seen The Film Because It Looks Really Boring A Total Secret
 
- Remember That No One Worth Talking To Has Actually Seen The Artist, So You Can Pretty Much Lie And Say It’s About A Dog And His Penguin Friend That Fight Crime
 
- Recommend The Film With The One Caveat That The Film Is Incredibly “About Itself.” If People Ask What You Mean, Stand There Silently And Try To Stream Blood From Your Eyes
 
- If People Ask You For Your Thoughts On The Artist, Tell Them To Wait Right There While You Go By A Cashmere Scarf So That You Seem More Artistic When Discussing The Film
 
- Don’t Refer To The Film As “Standing In The Shadow Of Chipwrecked”
 
- Cite A.O. Scott’s Review, But Don’t Pull A Copy From Your Pocket And Read Directly From It
 
- Remember That It Isn’t About A Family From Pittsburgh That Takes In A British Butler. That Was The TV Show Mr. Belvedere
 
- Careful When You Talk About Aspects Of The Artist “Not Being Black And White,” Because The Film Was Shot Just That Way
 
- Start Off Praising The Performance Of Star Jean Dujardin. Your Audience Will Immediately Tune Out And You Can Pretty Much Say Anything From Then On Out
 
- You Shouldn’t Really Dwell On The Fact That The Guy That Played Borat’s Producer Is In The Film, And You Certainly Shouldn’t Experience A Visible Erection When Mentioning It
 
- When You Talk About Geoffrey McNab’s Glowing Review from the Cannes Film Festival, Feel Free To Pronounce It “Can” or “Con.” You’ll Sound Like A Haughty Prick Either Way
 
- Discuss The Postmodern Aspects Of The Film. It’s Really Hard To Disprove That A Work Of Art Has Postmodern Aspects Because The Wikipedia Entry On Postmodernism Might As Well Be Written In F#cking Greek
 
- No Matter How Much You Want To Use The Word, Don’t Describe The Production Design Of The Film As “Faggy”
 
- Take Off Your Tim Tebow Jersey Before Classifying The Film As A “Tepid Copy-Of-A-Copy of Truffaut”
 
- Don’t Bite Anyone Who Disagrees With Your Analysis Of The Film
 
- Limit Yourself To Three “Jacking Off” Motions During A Conversation About The Acting Performances
 
- Limit Yourself To Zero Instances Of Actually Jacking Off When Talking About The Acting Performances, Especially When Specific To John Goodman

I’m appreciating the love for 50/50, a film that, in my opinion, struck just the right balance of funny and touching. Your impression of the film nominations may vary.

TV is historically more of a mixed-bag, and the nominations for Boss and American Horror Story for best drama, to the exclusion of Breaking Bad (seriously? No Breaking Bad?), and the inclusion of Zooey Deschanel as “best actress” seem pretty dubious. Oh well. It’s the foreign press. That’s probably why The Borgias made the cut. Lousy Borigas.

Movies

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

• The Descendants (Fox Searchlight Pictures)
• The Help (DreamWorks Pictures)
• Hugo (Paramount Pictures)
• The Ides of March (Columbia Pictures)
• Moneyball (Columbia Pictures)
• War Horse (DreamWorks Pictures)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

• Glenn Close - Albert Nobbs
• Viola Davis - The Help
• Rooney Mara - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
• Meryl Streep - The Iron Lady
• Tilda Swinton - We Need to Talk About Kevin

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

• George Clooney - The Descendants
• Brad Pitt - Moneyball
• Ryan Gosling - The Ides of March
• Michael Fassbender - Shame
• Leonardo DiCaprio - J. Edgar

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

• 50/50 (Summit Entertainment)
• The Artist (The Weinstein Company)
• Bridesmaids (Universal Pictures)
• Midnight in Paris (Sony Pictures Classics)
• My Week with Marilyn (The Weinstein Company)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

• Jodie Foster - Carnage
• Charlize Theron - Young Adult
• Kristen Wiig - Bridesmaids
• Michelle Williams - My Week with Marilyn
• Kate Winslet - Carnage

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

• Jean Dujardin - The Artist
• Brendan Gleeson - The Guard
• Joseph Gordon-Levitt - 50/50
• Ryan Gosling - Crazy, Stupid, Love.
• Owen Wilson - Midnight in Paris

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

• The Adventures of Tintin
• Arthur Christmas
• Cars 2
• Puss In Boots
• Rango

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

• The Flowers of War (New Pictures Film Company)
• In the Land of Blood and Honey (FilmDistrict)
• The Kid with a Bike (Sundance Selects)
• A Separation
• The Skin I Live In

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

• Berenice Bejo - The Artist
• Jessica Chastain - The Help
• Janet McTeer - Albert Nobbs
• Octavia Spencer - The Help
• Shailene Woodley - The Descendants

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

• Kenneth Branagh - My Week with Marilyn
• Albert Brooks - Drive
• Jonah Hill - Moneyball
• Viggo Mortensen- A Dangerous Method
• Christopher Plummer - Beginners

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE

• Woody Allen - Midnight in Paris
• George Clooney - The Ides of March
• Michel Hazanavicius - The Artist
• Alexander Payne - The Descendants
• Martin Scorsese - Hugo

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE

• Woody Allen - Midnight in Paris
• George Clooney, Grant Heslov, Beau Willimon - The Ides of March
• Michel Hazanavicius - The Artist
• Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon, Jim Rash - The Descendants
• Steven Zaillian, Aaron Sorkin - Moneyball

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE

• Ludovic Bource - The Artist
• Abel Korzeniowski - W.E.
• Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross - The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
• Howard Shore - Hugo
• John Williams - War Horse

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE

• “Hello Hello,” Music by Elton John, Lyrics by Bernie Taupin - Gnomeo & Juliet
• “The Keeper,” Music & Lyrics by Chris Cornell - Machine Gun Preacher
• “Lay Your Head Down,” Music by Brian Byrne, Lyrics by Glenn Close - Albert Nobbs
• “The Living Proof,” Music by Mary J. Blige, Thomas Newman, Harvey Mason, Jr., Lyrics by Mary J. Blige, Harvey Mason, Jr., Damon Thomas - The Help
• “Masterpiece,” Music & Lyrics by Madonna, Julie Frost, Jimmy Harry - W.E.

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Television

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

• “American Horror Story” (FX)
• “Boardwalk Empire” (HBO)
• “Boss” (Starz)
• “Game of Thrones (HBO)
• “Homeland” (Showtime)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

• Claire Danes – “Homeland”
• Mireille Enos – “The Killing”
• Julianna Margulies – “The Good Wife”
• Madeleine Stowe – “Revenge”
• Callie Thorne – “Necessary Roughness”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

• Steve Buscemi – “Boardwalk Empire”
• Bryan Cranston – “Breaking Bad”
• Kelsey Grammer – “Boss”
• Jeremy Irons – “The Borgias”
• Damien Lewis – “Homeland”

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

• “Enlightened” (HBO)
• “Episodes” (Showtime)
• “Glee” (Fox)
• “Modern Family” (ABC)
• “New Girl” (Fox)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

• Laura Dern – “Enlightened”
• Zooey Deschanel – “New Girl”
• Tina Fey – “30 Rock”
• Laura Linney – “The Big C”
• Amy Poehler – “Parks and Recreation”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

• Alec Baldwin – “30 Rock”
• David Duchovny – “Californication”
• Johnny Galecki – “The Big Bang Theory”
• Thomas Jane – “Hung”
• Matt LeBlanc – “Episodes”

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

• “Cinema Verite” (HBO)
• “Downton Abbey (Masterpiece)” (PBS)
• “The Hour” (BBC America)
• “Mildred Pierce” (HBO)
• “Too Big to Fail” (HBO)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

• Romola Garai – “The Hour”
• Diane Lane – “Cinema Verite”
• Elizabeth McGovern – “Downton Abbey (Masterpiece)”
• Emily Watson – “Appropriate Adult”
• Kate Winslet – “Mildred Pierce”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

• Hugh Bonneville – “Downton Abbey (Masterpiece)”
• Idris Elba – “Luther”
• William Hurt – “Too Big to Fail”
• Bill Nighy – “Page Eight (Masterpiece)”
• Dominic West – “The Hour”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

• Jessica Lange – “American Horror Story”
• Kelly Macdonald – “Boardwalk Empire”
• Maggie Smith – “Downton Abbey (Masterpiece)”
• Sofia Vergara – “Modern Family”
• Evan Rachel Wood – “Mildred Pierce”

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

• Peter Dinklage – “Game of Thrones”
• Paul Giamatti – “Too Big to Fail”
• Guy Pearce – “Mildred Pierce”
• Tim Robbins – “Cinema Verite”
• Eric Stonestreet – “Modern Family”