“Unorthodox” (Season 9)

As if Alexander Gould weren’t creepy enough as the budding sociopath Shane Botwin on Weeds, he really outdid himself in his SVU bid. When a kid shows up to school bleeding out the ass, Olivia and Stabler are naturally called in, suspecting yet another religious leader with a penchant for little boys. Nope. What they’ve got is a porn-addicted young boy who’s seen a few too many episodes of Oz. “Sometimes they pretend they don’t like it. It’s just part of the sex.”

“Pure” (Season 6)

Martin Short plays Sebastian Ballentine a creepactular psychic with shockingly accurate details of a kidnapping-murder, the skeptical Stabler unsurprisingly suspects he’s no clairvoyant. As this is SVU, you know from the outset the answer won’t be simple and it’s not. They soon catch the trail of one Henry Palavar. Things take a turn for the downright scary when the pair learn that Henry Palavar and Sebastian Ballentine are one and the same.

“Care” (Season 3)

The video game obsessed are always a little creepy. In this episode of SVU, a man addicted with a medieval video game is the prime suspect after a little girl’s body is found at a construction site. The real culprit is far scarier than any mouth breather you might encounter on World of Warcraft, however. Grandma beat the poor kid to death for wetting the bed. We were pretty glad when she died of a heart attack in prison at the end.

These are their stories.

9. Stockboy That Can’t Stop Hauling Boxes For Five Minutes While He Talks To The Cops About A Serial Killer

He’s busy, so he’s just gonna continue to move stuff from the van onto the loading dock while you give him the details of the teenage debutante that was raped 700 times then cut into 7 perfectly equal pieces.

Also, no. Edgar didn’t show up for work today. Called in sick about two hours ago. Why you ask?

8. The Jogger

In case you didn’t know, 46% of Central Park joggers find dead bodies on their runs. If those joggers are conducting a generic conversation about last night’s Knicks game, that number skyrockets to 92%. New York is a dangerous place, but fortunately, joggers throughout the island of Manhattan are finding the dead bodies as quickly as they’re being created by the perverts running rampant throughout the city.

If the NYPD is conducting a search for a young girl they presume to be dead, they should conduct a department-wide fun run. They could find every missing person in about 28 minutes.

7. The Judge That Wants To Know Where You’re Going With All This

She’s going to allow it, but you better get somewhere with this. And quick.