I know. I hate to be the one to bear this news as it will surely cut into cinephiles the world over. Somehow or another, the brass at Doritos have managed to coax the director of the Transformers franchise and producer of various horror retreads away from his artistic credibilities.

Bay has announced that he will have a hand in this year’s Doritos’ “Crash the Super Bowl” contest, even offering to take the winner under his wing. The contest winner will work for Bay on Transformers 4 in some kind of capacity.

I hope they like washing Ferraris. (THR)

Robert Dewey Hoskins, who served a 10-year prison sentence for stalking Madonna and who may or may not have been the inspiration for the youngest child on Malcolm in the Middle, has escaped from the Metropolitan State Hospital near Los Angeles. By escaped, I mean he just walked away. Bang-up job, Metropolitan State Hospital.

Authorities say Hoskins is “highly psychotic when not taking his medication and has very violent tendencies.” How “violent” and “psychotic” are we talking? Well, he once threatened to cut Madonna “from ear to ear” if she didn’t marry him. Yikes! You’d have to be crazy to want to marry Madonna!

Whatever wacky hijinx Hoskins has in store, he’d better get a move on. The Material Girl (god I hate calling her that) is set to embark on a world tour in the next few months, and I’d hate for him to miss out on the opportunity to get annihilated by her security team because she’s out of the country.

World Peace! (Source)

Maybe we can lure the stalker in with these Madonna photos.

Dim your monitor and check out the nine worst movie hangovers.

Die Hard With A Vengeance

The most annoying thing about terror is that it never strikes when it’s convenient. Nobody knows this better than John McClane. In Die Hard With A Vengeance, he finds himself pulled into a dangerous game of cat and mouse with a terrorist looking to avenge his brother’s murder at the hands of McClane. Okay. First of all, his brother was a real dick. But you just can’t talk any sense into these terrorist guys, so he attacks McClane the morning after he went on an epic bender, forcing him to fight for his life in Harlem, stop a bomb from exploding on a train way downtown, and solve a number of annoying riddles. Have you ever tried to kill an elite team of international thugs singlehanded with a splitting headache? It’s not fun. He probably had to take an epic crap as well.

The Hangover

Imagine waking with a terrible headache to find a chicken in your hotel room. Add to that a tiger, a total mess, a missing tooth and missing best friend. The last thing you want to do after a night of debauchery is piece together the events of the previous evening. I prefer to eat something greasy and watch whatever’s on Syfy. Even if Richard Grieco is in it.

A League Of Their Own

When former Cubs slugger Jimmy Dugan is assigned to manage the all-female Rockford Peaches, he sees it as a huge step down from his former glory. And so, he treats it like a complete joke. Showing up to practice and games either completely hammered or woefully hungover. You do have to give props to the guy though. He knows how to make an introduction.

NBC has stated that her actions were “completely inappropriate and very disappointing.” Which is the same way I feel about Madonna’s performance.

WORLD PEACE, you guys. (Billboard)

The duo, with a little bit of time on their hands before Billion Dollar Movie hits theaters, have followed up their very generous pro-bono Herman Cain campaign ads with ads for this Sunday’s Super Bowl on NBC. It’s important that awareness about the Super Bowl spreads, otherwise it will never catch on.

They showed up on the Kimmel show dressed in tuxedos, top hats, gloves, and canes because they’re football fans, through and through. It’s one thing to see their hijinks on Adult Swim or to a paying audience, it’s another to see how poorly it goes over with a mass audience.

Apparently, America (or at least Jimmy Kimmel viewers) don’t get so excited by Tim and Eric “touching tips.” Penis tips, in case that wasn’t clear.

Don’t mind — I’m just a bitter Raiders fan.

Anyway, since Timmy will be sitting at home watching the tube with mommy on Super Bowl Sunday, I’m guessing he won’t be watching the big game. It would only serve the purpose of reminding him that he’s a boy in a game of men. Here’s some stuff Timmy might be watching on game day while men battle it out on the gridiron.

Left Behind

Obligatory. While Tom Brady and Eli Manning are battling it out, pass for pass, Timmy can comfort himself with this Kirk Cameron classic. Because even though one of them will be getting a ring (and probably an MVP), none of that will matter on the day that Jesus comes back and throws them both into the fiery pits of hell. We’ll see if their Super Bowl rings will save them then.

Veggie Tales

Or maybe Timmy will be feeling a little more childish. Mommy will pop some corn and get him his bankie and he’ll cuddle up with his Veggie Tales tapes. Sometime around 9:30 at night Timmy will get all Tuckered out and pops will have to carry little Timmy up to bed. Then he’ll suckle his thumb in his footy pajamas and dream of a world where he won’t be an irrelevant joke in five years.

Knute Rockne: All American

I know literally nothing about this movie except that it’s about some football player from the 17th Century and it stars a young Ronald Reagan. Right? Shit, I seriously have no idea and I can’t be bothered to look it up on Wikipedia. Point is, Tebow likes Ronald Reagan and football, so he’ll probably be pretty into watching this. Can someone have the intern write a new paragraph where this one is? Thanks.

That said, I like being first, so I’m going to grade the Super Bowl ads now. Sure, we’ve only got 27 ads so far, but my guess is that every decent ad has been leaked, so if you haven’t put your ad online by now, tough shit, anonymous company. You should know better in the Internet age.

These ads are graded based on my own hunch, gut, and whatever erratic mood swing I happen to be enduring or enjoying at the time I view it.

Note: We culled the movie trailers from this list because they largely weren’t Super Bowl-specific. 

Another Note: Thanks to EW Popwatch for assembling most of this big list of videos. 

E*Trade – The E*Trade Baby

The E*Trade baby is back at it, this time inexplicably as some dude’s best man. He’s bringing the sass, as he so often does, and though the schtick still isn’t fresh, it’s still a cute enough commercial, and at thirty seconds, it doesn’t run long enough to get old.

Grade: B

CareerBuilder.com – A Bunch of Monkeys

It wouldn’t be a Super Bowl if there weren’t thinly-premised ads sporting tons of animals doing human things. This year, Career Builder seems to have bitten that particular bullet, offering up a dude on a business trip with monkeys! Honest-to-goodness, no-foolin’ monkeys!

It’s not very funny. Except for the part where they plant a dildo in his bag in the TSA line. That’s pretty damn funny.

Grade: C-

Hulu.com – Will Arnett

Hulu has always been able to get some decent stars for their ads, and whie Will Arnett may not be the biggest name in Hollywood, he’s among the funniest. And the fact that he’s spitting off TV catchphrases to try to open a door just does it for me. Honestly, though. I could watch Will Arnett quietly drink a smoothie at a bus stop and think it’s a great commercial.

Grade: B-

• The Rock attributes a quote to Jay-Z.
• Jay-Z raps (offscreen) the song that The Rock was quoting.
• (Thousands of quick cuts of people stabbing, dancing, shooting, flying)
• Bruce Willis appears.
• Bruce Willis says, “Call me Joe.”

That’s it. That’s your trailer. If that sounds like something you’ll be interested in, the film hits theaters on June 29th.

Because there is absolutely nothing else to say about this trailer, I will spend the rest of this article listing G.I. Joe characters I remember from childhood, without the aid of any sources.

• Duke
• Cobra Commander
• Skid Mark
• Sgt. Slaughter
• Trixie
• Willem
• Gandolf
• Mildred
• Copernicus
• Shockwave
• Bumblebee

I’ll be honest. I blanked after Sgt. Slaughter.

Of course, Belichick isn’t REALLY evil; he’s just led his team to great success with a joyless demeanor while breaking the rules of the NFL that were established for fair play.

Huh. He sounds pretty evil when it’s framed like that, doesn’t he?

Well, evil, like human sexuality or wealth, is a continuum. It’s not a binary state, so we can go further to examine degrees of evil. Since this is a movie site, it makes sense to list a few “evil” characters that are outshone by Mr. Patriot’s sinister nature. The following seven characters are actually less sinister than Bill Belichick.

In case you were wondering what movie character is exactly as evil and underhanded as Belichick, it’s Col. Hans Landa from Inglourious Basterds (A.K.A. The Jew Hunter).

Dick Jones – Robocop

It’s one thing to be an evil or malicious thug – over time you will more than likely get picked up and punished for your actions. It’s another to be some powerful, political mastermind that is above any and all scrutiny. It’s for this reason that Belichick is more sinister than not only Clarence Boddicker from Robocop, but also OCP alpha dog Dick Jones.

Dick Jones is on a mission to ensure that the test case of Detroit proves successful so that Omni Consumer Products can start shilling not only ED-209s, but also Robocops to other markets.

Now, I don’t think that Bill Belichick is looking to franchise a series of books entitled How to Win…The Belichick Way! or anything like that, but I do think that he is leveraging an ungodly amount of power to run his team like some sort of semi-legal corporation. Now, I have absolutely no proof that this is the case, but if you put a gun to my head and asked me what corporations are/were run similarly to Belichick’s Patriots, I would say offhand: Enron, Morgan Stanley, AIG, and Blackwater.

Cal Hockley– Titanic

Sure, Cal made women and children die in the aftermath of the Titanic’s collision with the iceberg, but dammit, he looked good doing it. And while Titanic’s plot says nothing to support this, I’m assuming that Cal was a creep since he was a young, entitled little boy, which doesn’t make his misdeeds any more palatable. But at least people would have known what they’re in for.

Belichick, on the other hand, came up as a fairly unassuming coach, only to become an evil mastermind once he was handed the keys to the castle. Further, I’m not willing to entertain arguments that his cut-off hoodie look isn’t a victimless crime. My eyes bleed every time I see this powerful, powerful man masquerading as a hobo.

In summation:

Slicked back hair + tuxedo + Billy Zane is playing him = Guy you know you should avoid.

Tattered hoodie + former Cleveland Browns employee + name “Bill” = Guy you would probably give a few dollars to on your walk to work who, in return, will secretly videotape your defensive coordinators playcalling signals.

Are they the best actors in the world?

Yup! Without question, the following nine performances are, at the risk of oversimplifying… art. And it’s amazing that these artists can be so great on the gridiron, and also so impressive in front of a camera.

Yeah, we got Brain Bosworth on here.

Dan Marino – Ace Ventura

In this 1994 film, Jim Carrey wasn’t the only breakout star. Dan Marino went from non-Super Bowl-winning Isotoner glove pitchman to non-Super Bowl-winning cameo-maker. It was a huge leap in his career, considering he retired without a Super Bowl victory to hang his hat on.

In the film, Dan Marino is memorable not just for his luscious curly hair, but his ability to point out Ray Finkle’s tucked dick, and holding his own against fellow thespian Tone Loc. No, not holding his penis against Tone. We meant holding his own in the acting department. Never mind.

After this extended cameo, I believe that Dan Marino should still rot in hell, but should probably die of something less painful than gonorrhea.

Cookie?

Brett Favre – There’s Something About Mary

It’s a shame that this film came out over a decade before Brett Favre got caught taking pictures of his weenus whilst wearing Crocs, because if anyone could have had some fun with that, it would be the Farrelly brothers.

In the film, “Brett” is alluded to as Mary’s old boyfriend, but only in the last few minutes of the film do we realize that her ex is Packers QB Brett Favre. Brett makes an absolute meal out of the role, and he does it wearing jean, possibly Wrangler-brand, which leads me to believe that he didn’t just develop his great fashion sense late in his career.

Here, we see a DVD karaoke extra in which he gets tackled by Warren, which probably shaved a few years off of Favruh’s career.

Alex Karras – Webster

Alex Karras was a Detroit Lion from 1958-62 and again from 1964-1970. He missed the 1963 season for “gambling activities,” which is almost as awesome as the fact that he played Emmanuel Lewis’ adoptive father, George Papadapolis, which is a very, very fun name to say. Try it.

Now, please.

George POP-O-DOP-O-LIS.

There are probably a few clips more demonstrative than this opening titles sequence I chose to embed, but the shitty production value makes this one a delightful no-brainer. Besides, if you want to see what kind of actor Alex Karras is, just pause at the :17 mark, where we see him just OWNING the role of “important business man checking his watch because time is money.”

This gritty look at the inside world of college football did very little to associate itself with realism or the rules of the game. This is blatantly on display when hotshot quarterback Joe Kane is able to score a game-winning touchdown despite the fact that he throws an incomplete pass.

The Dark Knight Rises – Field Crumbles

The film isn’t in theaters yet but from what we saw in the trailer, we have some pretty ridiculous events ahead of us. The scene in question concerns a professional football game literally crashed by Bane. The villian rigs the field for demolition and blows it up during game play. However, instead of multiple explosions sending dirt and athlete everywhere, the field actually caves in with the players falling to their doom. That’s one way to fix a game, but pretty unbelievable.

The question is, how does one “gay up” the Super Bowl? You can’t very well have men or women penetrating each other on stage, so you need to take a less obvious path to gayness. Fortunately, I’ve been tasked with suggesting a few very subtle ways to homosexualize the Super Bowl. Pay close attention to subtext and symbolism here, because, like I said, these are very subtle.

19. Start off her Super Bowl set with, “If your erection lasts longer than four hours…GET UP AND DANCE!”

18. Force Clay Aiken to kick all the extra points

17. Madonna and the NFL Present: A Salute to Drunken, Three-Hour Brunches

16. Sodomize Criss Angel: Mindfreak with a searing-hot Lombardi Trophy that has been resting over burning coals

15. Don a #8 jersey, with the last name “Proposition” stitched on it, then have Justin Tuck tackle her midway through her performance, making a powerful statement about gay marriage

14. Get Carson Kressley to dress Bill Belichick and Tom Coughlin in the same outfit, then at halftime, have the fans in attendance decide “Who Wore It Best?”

13. Assemble 11 shirtless male dancers into an offensive formation known simply as “pig bottom”

12. Pay tribute to the unsung, non-Chicago bears that keep magazines like American Grizzly afloat

11. Do a cover of “It’s Raining Men” while every player in the NFL over the past 20 years parachutes out of a C-130 cargo plane into the stadium (Note: This is only effective if the top of the stadium is open)

10. Do her usual set, just from the inside of a Mini Cooper

9. I dunno…do something with like, a gay Jesus or something?

8. Perform a bunch of Coldplay songs

7. Flash her wrinkly old vagina to the camera, turning an entire nation gay. Except for the women. They’d be straighter than ever.

6. Perform a duet with Cher, then fingerbang the hell out of her

5. Convert the t-shirt cannons to tank top cannons

4. Midway through her set, instruct the audience to reach under their seats, where they will find a small dog in a sweater. Everyone receives a small dog in a sweater whether they want one or not

3. Have Tim Tebow come out of the closet during the halftime show in an event that NBC teases as “the one Super Bowl halftime show TOO SHOCKING to miss!”

2. Talk about the BCS and how “gay” it is that college football doesn’t have a playoff system. Prepare for strong reactions from both BCS supporters and that NoH8 organization

1. Declare, in the event of a tie at the end of regulations, that the winner will be decided based on penetrations. Offer no other explanation and see what happens

Here’s a collection of the worst musical performances that we’ve had to suffer through to enjoy smashmouth football. And, no, Smashmouth did not make the list. Though they so could have.

P!nk – Sunday Night Football Theme

Y!kes!! Th!s st!nks! !’m afra!d P!nk m!ght not be taken ser!ously as an art!st after do!ng th!s. Even Hank W!ll!ams, Jr !s less hokey than th!s and he’s l!ke a poor man’s Randy “Macho Man” Savage.

Elvis Presto – Super Bowl XXIII

Of course, we were all shocked when Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed during the Super Bowl XXXVIII Half-Time Show, but at least that was a show. Take a look at what passed as a Half-Time Show at Super Bowl XXIII. A magic Elvis doing an elaborate, non-nonsensical card trick while dancers end their careers behind him. No wonder the Bud Bowl was so popular. This wouldn’t even be cool on a cruise ship. I really hope the FCC fined somebody over this.

Kat DeLuna – National Anthem

If Kat DeLuna thought these Dallas Cowboys fans were harsh when she butchered the National Anthem, she’d better be happy she didn’t mess with the Anthem of Texas. I’m told they hate that.

Anyway, we didn’t get any nip slips this year, but we did get a National Anthem slip, which isn’t nearly as sexy or interesting. Still, Christina Aguilera mangled the National Anthem somewhat, and I’m sure “what a girl wants” is not to be Twitter-insulted by everyone from John Cena to “Weird” Al Yankovic. That’s why Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas is coming to her aid. You know Fergie, right? The “pitchy,” hump-loving singer whose rendition of “Sweet Child o’ Mine” with Slash on Sunday was astoundingly sub-karaoke? Well, here’s what she has to say:

“It’s such a huge venue, your nerves take a hold of you,” Fergie said during sportscaster Dan Patrick’s radio show. “I completely understand. She’s one of the best singers of our time. Nobody can take that away from you. … But you get nervous at these things. We’re human.”

That’s fair. I get nervous when I have to get up to pee during a stand-up show, cause all the other stand-ups make fun of you. However, if you’re getting paid big bucks to sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, and you’ve been a platinum selling recording artist for 1999, you could at least write some cheat notes on your hand. And if you’re a Fergie, you should stop speaking / singing for awhile, or at least speak about things we care about, like obvious metaphors for boobs. (MTV)