I know. I hate to be the one to bear this news as it will surely cut into cinephiles the world over. Somehow or another, the brass at Doritos have managed to coax the director of the Transformers franchise and producer of various horror retreads away from his artistic credibilities.

Bay has announced that he will have a hand in this year’s Doritos’ “Crash the Super Bowl” contest, even offering to take the winner under his wing. The contest winner will work for Bay on Transformers 4 in some kind of capacity.

I hope they like washing Ferraris. (THR)

That said, I like being first, so I’m going to grade the Super Bowl ads now. Sure, we’ve only got 27 ads so far, but my guess is that every decent ad has been leaked, so if you haven’t put your ad online by now, tough shit, anonymous company. You should know better in the Internet age.

These ads are graded based on my own hunch, gut, and whatever erratic mood swing I happen to be enduring or enjoying at the time I view it.

Note: We culled the movie trailers from this list because they largely weren’t Super Bowl-specific. 

Another Note: Thanks to EW Popwatch for assembling most of this big list of videos. 

E*Trade – The E*Trade Baby

The E*Trade baby is back at it, this time inexplicably as some dude’s best man. He’s bringing the sass, as he so often does, and though the schtick still isn’t fresh, it’s still a cute enough commercial, and at thirty seconds, it doesn’t run long enough to get old.

Grade: B

CareerBuilder.com – A Bunch of Monkeys

It wouldn’t be a Super Bowl if there weren’t thinly-premised ads sporting tons of animals doing human things. This year, Career Builder seems to have bitten that particular bullet, offering up a dude on a business trip with monkeys! Honest-to-goodness, no-foolin’ monkeys!

It’s not very funny. Except for the part where they plant a dildo in his bag in the TSA line. That’s pretty damn funny.

Grade: C-

Hulu.com – Will Arnett

Hulu has always been able to get some decent stars for their ads, and whie Will Arnett may not be the biggest name in Hollywood, he’s among the funniest. And the fact that he’s spitting off TV catchphrases to try to open a door just does it for me. Honestly, though. I could watch Will Arnett quietly drink a smoothie at a bus stop and think it’s a great commercial.

Grade: B-

Here we see the softer side of the Girl On Fire as she interacts with her loved ones back in the Seam, and less of the girl who shoots other kids in the head with arrows. Which isn’t to say we don’t see more of the Games. There are a few glimpses here and there, as well as an emphasis on the Mockingjay pin. No tracker jackers to share just yet. But let’s assume they’ll be fully rendered by the time the film opens on March 23rd.

Ferris Bueller – Honda

Over the years, advertisers have relied on film parodies to help peddle their wares to varying degrees of success. Below are some that made us laugh, made us groan, and made us change the channel.

Back To The Future – Nike

Back To The Future fans have been waiting years for the chance to own Marty McFly’s fresh kicks. Nike finally decided to get around to doing it and as a result, we have this maxi-commercial starring Bill Hader, Kevin Durant, and Doc Brown himself, Christopher Lloyd. It’s no surprise to see Lloyd reprise the role for an advertisement. He’s done so in the past and has appeared in a string of low-budget projects in the past few years. Which is a shame. The man’s a great actor. That’s why the BTTF fan in me is happy to see Doc on the screen again.

Back To The Future – Spike

However, when Spike TV decided to honor Back To The Future at the 2010 Scream Awards, they landed a coup by putting Michael J. Fox back in the driver’s seat of the DeLorean (which was destroyed by a train last I checked **smug nerd noise**). Previously, Fox had never reprised the role and this appearance was an awesome salute to pop culture. Here’s hoping they never remake these films.

The Wizard of Oz – FedEx

Using computer sorcery, FedEx found a way to travel back in time and take control of The Wizard of Oz‘s Lollipop Guild. Either that or they used a really good graphics program. It’s a pretty clever ad that shows the dangers that can happen when supplies are cut off to the Munchkin’s Village.

Last night during the Super Bowl halftime show, any one with an ounce of self respect changed the channel in disgust as the Black Eyed Peas took the stage. But the real question is what did you watch? If you’re a single guy, or were at least watching with a predominantly male group, you probably switched of to the Lingerie Bowl. Yeah, in a world where seeing hot naked lesbians is only a few key strokes away, seeing girls in their underwear just doesn’t carry the weight it once did. But even so, it’s enjoyable to watch.

For those of you with wives and, or children, chances are you got stuck watching the Puppy Bowl. For those of you that fall into that camp, all I can say is I know your pain.

I like puppies. I like football. By that logic, I should at least be able to tolerate the Puppy Bowl, right? Wrong. After 30 seconds, I was pulling my hair out. That being said, I watched it all, and it was still better than sitting through will.i.am. And for that, I’m grateful. With that in mind, here are the highlights of Puppy Bowl VII.

Getting Ready for the Puppy Bowl

If you look closely, this isn’t really about the Puppy Bowl at all. It’s actually a cleverly disguised car commercial. I bet you were fooled by the seamless product placement. Don’t feel bad. I have a trained eye for this sort of thing. After all, I majored in communication.

Pregame

In case you weren’t up to speed on the regular season, the pre-game show gave you a run down of what to expect. The only problem is that there is no regular season, and the only thing to expect is a bunch of dogs running around.

The Starting Lineup

Now we’re getting down to the nitty gritty. Even a completely jaded asshole like myself enjoyed seeing the starting line up. As long as they keep that ref out of the way, this might be tolerable.

Play Under Review

Well, I spoke to soon. Did you really need to review the play? That son of a bitch clearly didn’t cross the goal line. I can call him a son of a bitch because he’s a dog. The sponsors can’t get mad at that.

Half Time: Show Me Your Pussies

They’re cats. Get it? Get it? Ugh.

Final Touchdown

I’m not going to lie. That last touchdown was pretty exciting. And it was more offense than you usually see in a typical Chicago Bears game. The rats in the blimp were also a nice touch.

CB Wins MVP

Screw CB. I had $100 on Big Red winning. I’m beginning to think the whole thing is rigged.

Puppy Bowl VII Music Video

It’s like the Super Bowl shuffle, except with dogs, and it’s a lot less embarrassing.

The Ref

How disgraceful. This is someone’s son. He has to wake up and look himself in the mirror every day. But, he’s a stronger man that I am. I stick to writing about Puppy Bowl on the internet, where no one can see my shame.

It’s no surprise that fans are furiously coming through last night’s Super Bowl ad for Super 8 in search of “Easter eggs.” After all, die-hard devotees of J.J. Abrams have come to expect all sorts of coded messages and double meanings within his work. After combing through the trailer myself, and searching several message boards, I’ve come up with the following eight pictures that may contain hidden clues about the Steven Spielberg produced film.

Mysterious Date

Our first image is a mysterious date found within a flash just before the trailer’s title screen. Commenters on a related message board (i.e. hardcore nerds) did some research and discovered that a UFO was spotted on the same date near Tampa, FL. According to the USAF’s Project Blue Book, “Three star-like objects approached horizontally, hovered. ‘Impression was that objects were under intelligent control at all times.’” The info comes from a highly reputable website. By that, I mean it was probably put up by some dude living in his mom’s basement.

The Bulletin Board

Next up is this shot of a bulletin board. According to said commenters, the board has a surprising amount of posts looking for lost dogs, almost as if something in the town is stealing them. Could an alien be feeding on poor Fido?

Zombie

This still clearly shows a zombie lurking in the left of the frame. The easy explanation is that the kids in the movie are filming their own zombie film. Abrams has indicated that is the case. Obviously, this is smoke screen, and zombies will feature prominently in the film. I’d bet my wife’s life on it.

Car Lot Numbers

Could this seemingly random string of numbers indicate a pattern of some sort similar to the numbers in lost? Probably not, but at least the years on the car give us a better idea of when the film is taking place.

R.C.?

Obviously the R.C. in this sign stands for something beyond “remote control.” Could it be a reference to Ray Charles, who costarred with Spielberg in The Blues Brothers? Clearly, that’s the most logical explanation, but it could also stand for “read Communion,” the famous alie abduction novel.

No, YOU’RE stretching!

Nice Hat

Is that Indiana Jones‘ fedora making an appearance? Also, the blue beret is a bit of a mystery, since they were not worn by the U.S. Military. They were, however, worn by Soviet Airborne troops. I smell a rat…a big commie rat.

Jaw Dropper

According to online fan boys, this is a shot of an alien jaw pulled from the trailer. I don’t see it, but I’ll take their word for it.

John Locke the Jeweler?

The sign above the soldier clearly says “Locke Jeweler.” Could this be a reference to John Locke, a character from Abrams’ hit show, “Lost.” Sure, why not. It could also just be a sign.

Find anymore clues? Let us know in the comments section and we’ll get our best men on it.

Anyway, here are some Super Bowl ads for Thor, Captain America, and Transformers 3. Be sure to buy lots of concessions when you go see these movies in the theater as a result of seeing them here – the studios spent a lot of money on these:

Transformers ‘Dark of The Moon’ Super Bowl Trailer (720p) from Michael Bay Dot Com on Vimeo.