Screen Junkies » stretch armstrong

Taylor Lautner Surprises Us By Producing, Starring In A Gus Van Sant Film, Reading The ‘New Yorker’

Penn Collins — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 17:16:23 +0000

After the disappointment of Abduction, it would appear that Taylor Lautner has gone in a different direction, having optioned a New Yorker article to be adapted by Gus Van Sant. Lautner would star in and produce the unspecified project.

While I would rather see someone try and fail at a meaningful project than I would phone in some mindless action fare, it seems that Lautner has swung the pendulum WAY back to the other side, having been in talks to star in a whole slew of action films, including:

The Stretch Armstrong film
Northern Lights
Goliath
Max Steel
Incarceron
and some untitled Michael Bay project

I can say, even with only a passing familiarity with the above projects, that I would rather see him option and star in one of those unfunny cartoons from the New Yorker than I would appear in any of those films.

For instance, it could be a one-panel cartoon of Taylor Lautner with his shirt off, walking into Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, and Don Draper could be sitting at his desk, and the bottom would say, “No, no, no. We are looking for an AD executive.”

Take all the time you need.

Taylor Lautner Gives ‘Max Steel’ The Hand

Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

Taylor Lautner has too many toys in his sandbox. After yanking both Mattel‘s Max Steel and Hasbro‘s Stretch Armstrong away from his peers while screaming, "Mine!", his Hollywood parents told him to make a decision. Lautner decided on Stretch, throwing Max back to the less fortunate, uglier, smellier kids to fight over.

An insider who carries Lautner’s bag of wet wipes and binkies told Vulture, "When you sign on to make a movie with Hasbro, you know it will be in theaters a year later." Well said, overbearing Hollywood stagemother. I would assume Lautner would want to play a sweet futuristic character like Max Steel over a man with skin issues, but maybe he has opposing thoughts about what is cool. Or daddy demanded he abide by his decision or get the belt again.

Taylor Lautner Cast in Unnecessary ‘Stretch Armstrong’ Movie/Dump

Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

Twilight hunkA hunkA hunkA Taylor Lautner is going to be Stretch Armstrong in Universal’s latest attempt to turn every board game into a 3D movie. You don’t care about this news, I don’t care about this news, but I still find the above picture amusing.

This thing also (kinda) has a plot. Taylor would play Armstrong "an uptight spy who stumbles across a stretching formula, which he takes and must now adjust to in everyday life and when fighting crime.” Where I come from that’s called an erection. And believe me, it takes more than 90 minutes to adjust to it.

Steve Oedekerk wrote the screenplay and crazy-haired Brian Grazer is producing. No director is on board yet, but the economy is making a slow comeback so it may take a little longer to find one. Unless Shawn Levy is an avid fan of Screen Junkies and is fervently dialing his agent at the same time he’s finishing this post. (THR)