I never knew celebrities could be so shallow and materialistic.

Nipplegate

On February 1, 2004, America and the world saw Janet Jackson’s nipple just as Justin Timberlake sang, “Gonna have you naked by the end of this song.”

I’m not exactly sure who was outraged by the sight of a covered breast, but that “nip slip” did far more harm than good. It got people talking about Janet Jackson, but with no album to release, the attention was for naught. Meanwhile, the incident all but guaranteed us watered-down halftime shows featuring the likes of Bruce Springsteen, The Who, and Paul McCartney.

The nipple wasn’t worth it. No nipple is worth that.

Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire

Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire was a one-time special from Fox in which, over the span of a two-hour broadcast, an unattractive millionaire with the name of a Boogie Night character (Rick Rockwell), married a money-grubbing whore (Darva Conger). Shockingly, the marriage didn’t last after it was discovered that Rockwell didn’t disclose a restraining order for domestic abuse and Conger proved to be just as whorish as everyone expected, but with the added imposition of asking for people’s sympathy.

It was a show that left pretty much everyone feeling like idiots for both being involved in it and watching it.

Al Capone’s Vault

Geraldo Rivera, a man known for just being an all-around ass, helped nurture that reputation in April of 1986 when, on his syndicated talk show, he promised to unlock the secrets of Al Capone’s vault on live television. The show was stretched a painful two hours, and audiences were lured in with the siren call of riches or dead bodies… because mobsters keep dead bodies in their safes.

30 million people tuned into the hype machine, but when the door was cracked open, nothing was found but dust and a few bottles. Geraldo claimed that one of the bottles was used to hold moonshine. Because Geraldo can ID the former contents of a 60 year old bottle just by looking at it.

The broadcast was a total debacle and Geraldo’s already shaky reputation remains shaky to this day.

It’s week two of Gary Busey’s stint on “Celebrity Apprentice,” and America’s favorite brain-damaged thespian did not disappoint. Actually, he did. Although to be fair, it wasn’t all his fault. How can he be expected to compete with a nasty old bag like Dionne Warwick, or the always loathsome Star Jones? It takes a lot for me to feel bad for Lisa Rinna, but last night, it happened.

Rinna was ultimately sent home for failing to lead the women’s group (ASAPP) in a competition to create a children’s book followed by a theatrical performance. And while I’ll admit she did a bad job, imagine trying to work with Star Jones under any circumstances. Jones was fired from “The View,” a show that is solely populated by difficult, ignorant women. If you’re too stupid and, or troublesome to sit on a panel with Whoopi Goldberg and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you clearly don’t work well with others.

Which brings us to Dionne Warwick. I could have gone my entire life without hating this dinosaur, but thanks to reality television, I’m forced to add her to the ever expanding list of celebrities I’d like to run over with a combine. Last week, it was kind of funny to watch the old hag try to work a cash register. It’s a lot less funny to watch her fight with a deaf woman over petty bullshit. I say a little prayer…that she gets kicked in the teeth by a horse.

Speaking of horse teeth, back to Busey. The men’s team (Backbone) won, so there was no danger of going home. It also meant there was relatively little drama. Despite repeatedly teasing the audience with clips of an epic Meatloaf/Busey showdown, the episode failed to produce. However, it did plant the seeds of the upcoming conflict.

After Gary and Jose Canseco were lead on a wild goose chase by Meatloaf, the pair finally returned home. When Busey tried to vent to one of Donald’s sons, Meatloaf put his foot down, asking him to focus on the task at hand and head for the costume shop. A reasonable person would have understood that Meatloaf was just trying to move things long, and not take it personally. But as you and I both know, nobody tells Gary Busey what to do. Gary didn’t take to kindly to Meatloaf’s demands. He also wasn’t too happy when the Meat Man singled him out to Trump as the most difficult team member, although in all fairness, Loaf wasn’t really criticizing Busey so much as pointing out that he’s totally insane. I’m not sure if Gary understood this or not, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Meatloaf wakes up in the woods and finds himself the victim of a deadly game of cat and mouse.

By far, the most entertaining portion of the show was watch Busey shine while doing what he does best: acting like a six-year-old-boy. He owned the role, and it was easy to see why he was once nominated for an Academy Award. Watching his performance brought a tear to my eye. It also brought tears to Meatloaf’s eyes. It was a little uncomfortable to watch a grown man cry. I’ll feel much better watching him in a fit of rage when he goes head to head with Gary Busey (hopefully next week).