Screen Junkies » spongebob http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Thu, 04 Dec 2014 04:09:23 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Ukraine Sick Of Spongebob Squarepants Being So Gay, Seeks To Ban Him http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/ukraine-sick-of-spongebob-squarepants-being-so-gay-seeks-to-ban-him/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/ukraine-sick-of-spongebob-squarepants-being-so-gay-seeks-to-ban-him/#comments Tue, 21 Aug 2012 16:20:28 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=250446 These pineapples under the sea are quickly turning into Fire Island

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Thank the good Lord for the Ukraine National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality. Without them, we would never know that the common sponge’s asexuality is just a cover for homosexuality that is rotting Ukranian children’s brains and turning them all soft and flow-y, which, lets face it, are really more Latvian characteristics than anything.

Further, Spongebob Squarepants is constantly holding hands with his friend Patrick, which is so gay that it literally makes me want to explode.

May I suggest that the Ukraine adopt a much more burly archetype for its children, so I’d like to suggest the suave machismo swagger of Go, Diego, Go! which will teach the Ukranian children how to get swarthy women on their boat for the best mojito that they’ve ever had, followed by slow, passionate sex.

Because Ukranian children are way behind children in Latin countries in lovemaking skills.

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9 Beloved Children’s Characters Who Are Obviously Gay http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/9-beloved-childrens-characters-who-are-obviously-gay/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/9-beloved-childrens-characters-who-are-obviously-gay/#comments Fri, 26 Aug 2011 18:33:41 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=226047 Don't worry. This whole article is handled in a tremendously delicate, tasteful manner.

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In light of the recent Bert and Ernie non-scandal, in which Sesame Street was compelled to released a statement saying that the two beloved characters were “just friends” and not gay, we at Screen Junkies have decided to address this issue head-on.

Puppets are asexual. All children’s characters are. There is no room in children’s entertainment for sexuality. There’s plenty of time for that stuff later on. Kids shouldn’t be in a hurry to grow up.

BUT…

If we were to assign sexual orientations to children’s characters, these guys would be totes gay.

9. Captain Planet


If recent history has demonstrated anything, it’s that the homosexual community often leads the charge on many social and political issues, even outside of gay rights. So it should be no surprise that, well before Leonardo DiCaprio was driving a Prius, and Cameron Diaz was saving rainforests, Captain Planet was extolling the virtues of recycling and going green. Of course, it wouldn’t be fair to use this as the sole barometer for one’s sexual orientation, otherwise, we would have to take a long look at Al Gore. That’s right, I planted that seed.

Also, Captain Planet is the textbook definition of what the gay community considers a “twink.” Not a hair on him.

8. Jigglypuff


I’m not too hip as to the sex lives of Pokemon characters, but I must say that if one was to be gay, it would be Jigglypuff. Aside from a name that to me just screams “bear,” this guy puts his enemies to sleep by singing to them. That’s a hell of weapon there, Jigglypuff. Also, Jigglypuff is pink and has a very gay little haircut. Let’s not overthink this.

“Gotta catch ‘em all!”

7. Barney


Well, he’s big, purple and ridiculously fun. He has a very gay walk about him and claps way more than me and my straight friends. He’s also 25 million years old and looks FANTASTIC. He’s also got a bit of a lisp. He also appears in a video with countless other children’s TV characters called “We Are Family” which encrouages diversity and tolerance. That sounds like some typical liberal bullshit.

Barney=Liberal. Liberal=Gay. Barney=Gay.

That’s the transitive property. I just mathematically proved that Barney is gay.

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