I don’t wish LeBron could do Space Jam 2. I wish LeBron would stop trouncing and flopping around like an Italian soccer player and step up.

I’m thinking neither of us will get what we want.

Space Jam was a film that captured two very ephemeral phenomena: mainstream America’s dumb fascination with Looney Tunes characters and a fever pitch of NBA superstardom that Nike had pretty much hand-delivered to the masses. Both those things are relics of the past, so Space Jam 2 sounds pretty damn weird in this day and age.

Instead of Barkley and Larry Bird, we would get…DWIGHT HOWARD and DERRICK ROSE! Or maybe JEREMY LIN and JOE JOHNSON. Or they could just do the obvious thing here and put accused rapist Kobe Bryant in the forefront of a family film.

One of two things has occurred. Either the Internet has managed to open up a wormhole that allows users to view websites in the year 1996, or Warner Bros. has paid to operate and maintain the official Space Jam website for nearly 15 years. Either way, that’s f*cked up!

Granted, I doubt Warner Bros. had to pay much. In fact, based on the layout, I’m surprised Geocities isn’t in the URL. But looking at this old site did bring back a lot of fond memories, all of which involved 3.5 inch floppy disks filled to capacity with pictures of topless women. Of course, “capacity” meant about 10 pictures, depending on the size and quality. But at the time, that was enough, unlike now, where it takes an hour of HD quality transgender ATM just to get me aroused.

But we’re not here to talk about trannys jamming things in to spaces. We’re here to talk about Space Jam. I was a huge fan of the film. In fact, they used to call me “Space Jame!” For those of you who don’t remember, the plot involved Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny playing a group of aliens in a basketball game, and ended with Yosemite Sam shooting Jordan’s father over an unpaid gambling debt. What, too soon? (Topless Robot)

Click Here to Visit the Official Space Jam Website

_{This film demeans us all, Papa Smurf.}

Sony has released the first photo from its upcoming movie, The Smurfs, and all I can say is hold on to your white, slightly phallic-looking hats! The picture depicts Grouchy, Papa and Clumsy Smurf in…get this…NEW YORK CITY!

Magically transporting a fictional character into the real world can only be described as wildly original. But to go the extra mile and place them in such an obscure location goes above and beyond. I didn’t even know you could film movies in New York! Of all the places for the Smurfs to end up, NYC has to be the craziest! That town moves a mile a minute! Talk about a fish-out-of-water story!

The trailer for the film comes out this Thursday, but I don’t need to wait until then to declare this movie an instant classic.* The only thing that could make it any better would be if they got George Lopez to do a voice. That would be tits! (First Showing)

_{*I’m trying really hard to be less of a sarcastic prick, but holy crap, Sony! What choice do I have? Did you learn nothing from Space Jam!}