But what if he didn’t? A man claiming to be the “departed” has come forward saying that he didn’t die, but rather was subject to a spell cast by a witch doctor, who then imprisoned him in a cave with a bunch of zombies. It’s like The Serpent and the Rainbow, only I’m not eight years old, so I can talk about it without urinating all over myself out of fear.

If the story sounds unlikely, then you’re implicitly calling rural Africans gullible, and you shouldn’t do that. You see, when hearing the news that the famed singer may not have shuffled the mortal coil as previously believed, they turned out in droves. And by “droves,” I mean that the riot police had to come out and turn the water cannons on them.

Oh, I should probably mention that the man in question doesn’t have the same fingerprints as the thought-to-be-deceased singer or the same scars on his body.

Shit. I wish they hadn’t put that all the way at the bottom of this article. That would have been good information to have up front.