May cause heart palpitations, nausea, and even death in some nerds. Watch with extreme caution, and a Darth Vader mask on. (FilmDrunk)

Bickering, big guns, bikinis, bad weather, and burning the %#@& out of your mouth. Tonight’s TV preview makes use of alliteration!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

25 MOST MEMORABLE SWIMSUIT MOMENTS
Network: E!
Time: 8-10PM

Reasons to watch: This is the perfect opportunity to bone up on your memorable swimsuit knowledge. I can only think of 20 memorable swimsuit moments so I’m definitely going to tune in. My memory isn’t what it used to be ever since I started drinking gasoline.

THE CORE
Network: FX
Time: 8-11PM

Reasons to watch: An anomaly in the Earth’s core causes deadly electricity storms to attack our most famous monuments. And since we paid a lot of money for those monuments, that behavior isn’t going to be tolerated. Who better to travel to the Earth’s core in a huge drill car and put it in it’s place? Why, a team of sexy scientists of course. Mother Nature, when will you learn that there isn’t a problem you can throw at us that we can’t throw a team of sexy scientists at?

MAN V. FOOD
Network: TRAVEL CHANNEL
Time: 9:30-10PM

Reasons to watch: Adam is given the task of having to eat twelve hot wings soaked in habanero sauce within ten minutes. If the Children International people find out about this food being consumed for sport, they’re going to be REALLY MAD at you guys.

MICHAEL & MICHAEL HAVE ISSUES
Network: COMEDY CENTRAL
Time: 10:30-11PM

Reasons to watch: Michael is upset that Michael isn’t handling his fair share of the workload. Which Michael isn’t working and which Michael is upset? I’m not going to tell you. You’ll have to tune in to find out.

LOCK N’ LOAD WITH R. LEE ERMEY
Network: HISTORY
Time: 11PM-12AM

Reasons to watch: Everyone’s favorite Leatherneck, R. Lee Ermey, has a new show where he shouts things and shoots big, honkin’ guns. If you’re not a fan of loud noises might I suggest you curl up with a warm glass of milk and a copy of Understanding Your Vagina as an alternative? Now in it’s third printing.

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Johnny Depp, Megan Fox

CONAN
Sienna Miller, Steve Schirripa

KIMMEL
Vanessa Hudgens, Eli Roth

FERGUSON
Wolf Blitzer

FALLON
Chris Kattan