^{That sandwich doesn’t stand a chance with Belushi hanging around.}

UPDATE: I’ve added clips of the new shows after the jump.

CBS announced its new schedule of shows that you will avoid but still discuss awkwardly with someone’s grandparents today. As previously announced, the Twitter phenom that stole our sweet Patrick away, "S#*! My Dad Says" will go up against "30 Rock" in the Thursday at 8:30 slot. "The Big Bang Theory" is its solid lead-in in a bid to grab every Trekkie for a solid hour. Tom Selleck and Jim Belushi return to TV with "Blue Bloods" and "The Defenders" respectively. And Grace Park in a bikini will change your granddad’s opinion of Koreans with a rebooted "Hawaii Five-O."

CHECK OUT THE FULL SCHEDULE WITH NEW SHOWS AND NEW TIMESLOTS AND NEW CLIPS AFTER THE JUMP…

MONDAY
8:00 — How I Met Your Mother
8:30 — Rules of Engagement
9:00 — Two and a Half Men
9:30 — Mike & Molly
10:00 — Hawaii Five-0

TUESDAY
8:00 — NCIS
9:00 — NCIS: LA
10:00 — The Good Wife

WEDNESDAY
8:00 — Survivor
9:00 — Criminal Minds
10:00 — The Defenders

THURSDAY
8:00 — The Big Bang Theory
8:30 — S#*! My Dad Says
9:00 — CSI
10:00 — The Mentalist

FRIDAY
8:00 — Medium
9:00 — CSI: NY
10:00 — Blue Bloods

SATURDAY
8:00 — Crimetime Saturday
9:00 — Crimetime Saturday
10:00 — 48 Hours Mystery

SUNDAY
7:00 — 60 Minutes
8:00 — Amazing Race
9:00 — Undercover Boss
10:00 — CSI: Miami

MIDSEASON

Criminals Minds spin-off

^{(Photo credit: Patrick Schumacker)}

The Twitter phenom Sh*t My Dad Says is making the leap from the very small screen to the slightly larger screen. The uproarious tweets that relay the musings of a 73 year-old San Diego man have spawned a book deal and now a script commitment with CBS in the four months since its creation by ex-Holy Taco writer Justin Halpern. Halpern will be handling the writing duties along with former Screen Junkies writer Patrick Schumacker as they are supervised by Will & Grace creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick.

Today is a happy day here at Screen Junkies as two of our own leave the nest to enter a career where pants-wearing is an expectation. Patrick and Justin, keep an eye on the mail as I have sent each of you a copy of Dr. Seuss’s "Oh, The Places You’ll Go!"

With my headshot tucked between the pages of course. (THR)