Anyway, the former “Man Show” host had some choice joke-words for advertisers attending this year’s ABC upfronts. Here are some highlights. We’ll start with Kimmel roasting his own network. Hopefully, a little self-deprecating humor will cover all those shitty programming mistakes nicely.

“Remember those shows that we were so excited about last fall? We cancelled all of them. And yet here you are again. I think you might have a gambling problem.”

“You [advertisers] come here and we shower you with promises and never really follow through on any of them. If this was a show, we’d call it ‘The Bachelor.’ We tell you we love you; we give you a rose; we canoodle with you in a hot tub and then two and a half months down the line, you realize we’re gay.”

“We’re excited about all of our shows. Except ‘Shark Tank’. We have no idea how that got back on the schedule. You know what someone should invent on ‘Shark Tank’? A replacement for ‘Shark Tank’.”

Now onto the other networks…

“I have to say, I think ['The X-Factor'] is the best idea of 2002. It’s like ‘American Idol‘ meets a mirror.”

“NBC thanked God for ‘The Voice’… God has nothing to do with what’s going on at NBC. God stopped watching NBC after ‘Friends’. And God isn’t in the demo anyway.”

“CBS announced a plan to move forward and retool the show, and sure enough they found another tool, Ashton Kutcher. He happens to be a pretty solid choice. He’s popular, he’s handsome, he’s talented and he has experience. Remember, he did a very good job replacing Bruce Willis.”

And there you go. The message is: we suck, but they suck too. So… give us your money? (Hollywood Reporter)