Shaq will be making a cameo as himself in Adam Sandler’s new film Jack & Jill. The recently-aquired Boston Celtics center is no stranger to playing Shaq in films. In fact, I imagine he prefers it to a genie on Iron Man rip-off superhero. Shaq has played Shaq in CB4, Good Burger, He Got Game, After the Sunset, The Kid & I, The House Bunny, and When in Rome. No one captures the essence of Shaq like Shaq can, which is why Sandler came to him for the Shaq role in his new comedy.

Regarding the film, Adam Sandler plays twins and one of them is a girl. Do I really need to go into anymore detail or have your eyes permanently rolled into the back of your skull? Shaq joins Katie Holmes and Al Pacino, who have already agreed to take a check for appearing in this inevitable sh*t sandwich. And don’t get all pissed at me about Sandler. I used to love the guy in Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison, but Grown Ups really took a toll on my emotional psyche. Never have I wanted an actor to devolve so badly and return to speaking gibberish. (TheWrap)

Mr. Janus, Mr. T, and Mr. Kotter. Tonight’s TV preview is very polite when applying monikers.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

BIOGRAPHY: MR. T
Network: Biography
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Once upon a time I met Mr. T and asked, "Hey Mr. T., how are you?" His natural response was: "I’m like Tony the Tiger! I’m GREEEEAAAATTTTTT!!!! All you other TV shows, you’d better eat your grubs and you’d better eat your protein cuz T is back on TV where he belongs!!! AYE-YAYE-YAYE-YAYE-YAYE!!!!"

No lie. Find out what makes this guy tick tonight at 8pm.

HELL’S KITCHEN
Network: FOX
Time: 8- 9PM

Reasons to watch: The winners of tonight’s contest receive volleyball tips from 2000 Olympian Annett Davis. Volleyball tips. Really? Is that a thing of value outside of homo-erotic ’80′s movies? "Excuse me, Waiter. The meal was excellent. Do you accept ‘volleyball tips’ as payment? NO?! What planet are you from?"

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE SITCOM SCANDALS
Network: Biography
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Finally find out what really happened behind the scenes of Roseanne, Welcome Back Kotter, and The Facts Of Life. I bet that something went down with that Tootie. She always seemed like a shifty one.

SHAQ VS.
Network: ABC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: To prove that he is the most dominant force in athletics, Shaquille O’Neal challenges a variety of players across the wide world of sports. In the series opener, Shaq takes on Steeler’s QB Ben Roethlisberger in a test of football skills. Can Roethlisberger survive a motorcycle accident AND a Shaq Attack?! We shall see…

PRIMETIME: THE OUTSIDERS
Network: ABC
Time: 10 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Juju Chang interviews those who have had contact with extraterrestrials as well as skeptics. If I were to ever make first contact with an alien species I, like most Americans, would kick it between the legs. You know, just to say I did it.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN
Diane Kruger; Donald Trump; Billy Currington

CONAN (repeat)
Bruno; Stephen Moyer; Cirque de Soleil; Zumanity

KIMMEL (repeat)
Ashton Kutcher

FERGUSON
Kevin Bacon; Michael Irving

FALLON (repeat)
John Krasinski; Stephen Moyer