In an effort to establish a tenuous connection between popular Google search terms and the appearance of entertainment journalism, we’ve got a list of Victoria’s Secret models who have gone on to “acting careers.” Take a gander and try to keep it in your pants.

(The numbers by the names is a rating I have assigned each girl based on their acting talent, in which “1” is “bad” and “300” is “model-turned-actress-bad.”

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Given our love of movies and our love of strippers, it makes sense that we’re big fans of putting the two things together. Like chocolate and peanut butter, movies and strippers are a natural fit. That’s why we spent the past eight months compiling this list of the sexiest cinematic strippers of all time. God bless these girls. And god bless you, dear reader. Your page views pay my salary, which in turn pays for my stripper habit. I owe you.

Elizabeth Berkley – Showgirls (1995)

A lot of people would have placed this film further down on the list. But damn it, I’m not playing that game. The “so bad it’s good” card can only take you so far. And the truth is, it’s not bad enough to warrant the ironic praise it gets. Even so, Elizabeth Berkley on the pole is not hard to watch.

Julie Andrews – Darling Lili (1970)

I bet you weren’t expecting to see Maria from The Sound of Music on this list. Well, too bad. She played at burlesque dancer in Darling Lili, and burlesque dancer is just another way of saying stripper. If you freeze frame the strip scene, you can actually see her nipples. Something tells me you’re not impressed by that. Well neither was her costar, Rock Hudson.

Gillian Jacobs – choke (2008)

If you think Gillian Jacobs is great on “Community,” you’ll love her in Choke. I’m basing that entirely off the fact that she shows her cans. It has nothing to do with her performance.

Kobe Tai – Very Bad Things (1998)

Granted, a dead stripper isn’t the sexiest thing in the world, but when it’s pornstar Kobe Tai, it’s still pretty hot. And she’s not dead for the whole film, so that’s a plus.

When I was told to write an article about sexy female movie characters in pigtails, I thought it was going to be a walk in the park. After all, I have Google, so how hard could it be? I was sure I’d be able to easily pull up countless examples of hot women in film wearing the Lolita-like hairstyle. Turns out I was only half right. While it was easy to find hundreds, if not thousands of pics, it was like pulling teeth to find those that weren’t “adult” in nature. I’m not saying that there aren’t a lot of examples in mainstream movies, but searching for them is damn near impossible because all of the search results are overwhelmed by porn. I suppose that at the end of the day, sifting through a bunch of porn stars in pigtails in search of hot mainstream actresses is at the low end of the annoyance scale. But it was a challenging endeavor, none the less.

If you have a great example I left off, leave it in the comment section, and I’ll add it on our honorable mention list. Otherwise, enjoy 15 sexy movie characters sporting pigtails.

Jennifer Schwalbach Smith as Missy – Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

Jennifer Schwalbach (now Jennifer Schwalbach Smith) isn’t really that hot by Hollywood standards. She’s not bad looking by any means, and I’m sure she wouldn’t give my ugly ass the time of day. But the fact remains that if she wasn’t banging Kevin Smith, she probably wouldn’t have been in this film. That being said, when you throw a semi-attractive woman in a black-leather bodysuit and put her in pigtails, it instantly ups her hotness level.

Marcy Rylan as Winnie – Bring It On: All or Nothing (2006)

I’m not going to lie to you and pretend I actually saw this film. In fact, before today, I had never heard of Marcy Rylan. But while sifting through a sea of barley-legal girls in pigtails, I came across this photo, and I was so happy to have found something mainstream that she instantly made the list. As an added bonus, she’s hot.

Anna Faris as Shelley Darlingson – The House Bunny (2008)

In the house bunny, Anna Faris plays a Playboy Playmate who is kicked out of the mansion and forced to live in the real world. Fortunately for her, the “real world” turns out to be a sorority house in desperate need of a makeover. Fortunately for us, she dresses like a slut and wears pigtails.

CHUD was the first to point out that sexy model-actress Diora Baird has announced via Twitter that she has auditioned for a role in the upcoming Thor film. No one is certain which role she read for or if she’ll even get the part but it’s a slow news morning so conjecture like this makes headlines. Honestly. It was between this or pictures of dogs sniffing celebrities.

Tee-hee! Look at ‘im sniff her!!

Get a whiff of these fresh-scented morning links…

You may remember that back in July we alerted you to RoboGeisha, the only film brave enough to broach the subject of stabbing people in the eyes with shrimp tempura. Noboru Iguchi’s crazy Geishsploitation splatterfest is back with a second trailer and the awesome poster above. This movie just looks better and better all the time. Not only do the Geishas rock out to ba Paul McCartney covers but they can also continue to battle despite being sliced in two. Let’s see Tony Jaa pull that off. (Dread Central)

Peep the trailer and stick around for our morning links…

?????? / Robo-geisha (Trailer Two) – Watch more Funny Videos

Let’s get you squared away for the weekend. Tainted meat, spoiled pets, college hijinks, plane crashes, Neil Diamond, and Lucy Liu: Vampire Hunter round out what you should be watching. I should also note that you don’t want to miss the return of Battle Whale.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

NEIL DIAMOND — HOT AUGUST NIGHT: NYC
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: The Godfather of Adult Contemporary Cock Jams is bringing his electricity to NYC for ONE NIGHT ONLY. This is a huge cause for celebration. 8PM on Friday, pre-game with Neil.
 

WHALE WARS
Network: ANIMAL
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The team plans to poison the whale meat aboard the Japanese ship to make it worthless. Later Paul witnesses a brutal whale killing. And an act of vengeance pitches Battle Whale’s soul into a dark place. One from which there may be no coming back.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Sandra Day O’Connor; MSTRKRFT with John Legend

CONAN
Shaquille O’Neal;  Demetri Martin; Jack Ingram

KIMMEL
Jonah Hill; Mary McCormack; Ryan Sheckler

FERGUSON
Liza Minnelli; archaeologist Kara Cooney

FALLON
January Jones, Neal Brennan

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15th, 2009
 

BACK TO SCHOOL
Network: HBO
Time: 8:15 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: How can you look into those bulbous, leaky eyes and say ‘no’?
 

INSANELY PAMPERED HOLLYWOOD DOGS
Network: Style
Time: 10:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Tune in and find out why the terrorist hate us.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 16th, 2009
 

RISE: BLOOD HUNTER
Network: Syfy
Time: 7 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Lucy Liu returns from the grave to destroy the vampires that killed her. I don’t think this ever got a theatrical run. So let me get this straight. Lucy Liu made a movie worse than Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever??
 

HUDSON PLANE CRASH — WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
Network: TLC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Find out the real truth about what brought Flight 1549 down on that chilly, winter day. And find out why the birds would attack us like that after years of peace. Can we peacefully co-exist again or is it time for Operation: Chase After Some Pigeons With A Weed Whacker?

^{CLICK ON PHOTO TO SEE COMIC}

Playboy and Quentin Tarantino have teamed up to create a comic strip adaptation of a scene from Inglourious Basterds with reports that the director hand-picked and edited the piece. Here’s the scene in the director’s own words, "Okay, so. The Basterds come upon this Nazi and he’s like this real bad Von Trapp-hating motherf&*%er, y’know? So. And then Brad Pitt’s all like, ‘Listen David Hasslehoff. I’s Aldo Raines and I didn’t come all the way to Germany for the strudel. We’s in the Natzi-killin’ business and we’s here for your scalp. Today the hills ain’t alive with the sound of music, Colonel Clink-looking motherf%$^ker. They’s alive with the sound of killin’.’ So. Y’know? (*pause; grows quiet*) May I have another Orangina please, Scott?"

SIDENOTE: It wasn’t until just now that I realized comic book Brad Pitt closely resembles loveable drunkard Andy Capp.

And enjoy these glourious morning links…

Blindfolds, bickering, shackles, mounds of snow, and serious daddy issues. All things you might find in Pamela Anderson’s bedroom. Your TV preview begins now!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI
Network: Spike TV
Time: 9PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Ahh, Return of the Jedi. The final chapter in the Star Wars saga. Go back to a more simple time before George Lucas took your childhood and dunked it in the shitter flushing repeatedly. I’ll take Ewoks over that pod race anyday.

MAN VS. WILD
Network: Discovery
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Bear goes to the Arctic Circle to hunt wild reindeer. Nice try Grylls. We all know that you’re secretly hunting Santa. You keep out of that workshop, you hear me? Those toys are for ALL OF US.

CRISS ANGEL: MINDFREAK
Network: A&E
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: In the opener for Season 5, the wizard is shackled and buried alive in a transparent coffin beneath ice and snow. I’ve heard of being buried beneath snow. And I’ve heard of being buried beneath ice. But never the two together. Consider my mind freaked!

The world’s greatest zombie comic book is shuffling its way toward a small screen adaptation. The ridiculously rad Frank Darabont is in final talks to write and direct The Walking Dead for AMC. If you’re unfamiliar with the books, the story centers on a group of strangers who must fight for survival in a zombie-infested world. Though the focus is on how we deal with one another once society and the creature comforts crumble, there is quite a bit of disturbing gore throughout. This is super exciting and Darabont is the perfect choice to helm. I’m also very excited that zombies will finally be brought to the small screen. The zombies on The Hills don’t count because those are fast zombies. (/Film)

Sink your teeth into these fleshy morning links…

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN

Paula Abdul, Elvis Costello, Neil Patrick Harris

CONAN

Jon Hamm, Cobra Starship and Estelle

KIMMEL

Ty Pennington, David Sedaris, the Jonas Brothers

FERGUSON

Mitch Alborn, Bonnie Raitt with Taj Mahal

FALLON

Ashton Kutcher, Triple H, Bat for Lashes