Gillian Anderson isn’t wasting any time. Just as news breaks that she’s split from her boyfriend of six years, Mark Griffiths, CDL has learned that she’s living with her X Files co-star David Duchovny in Los Angeles. 

A source exclusively told CDL that David and Gillian have been in a serious relationship for some time now and she and her children are shacking up with the Californication actor.

The Flight Attendant

The first Archer conquest we see is an unnamed flight attendant who appears in the show’s pilot episode. She wakes up in Archer’s apartment with a bruise on her ass shaped like a ping-pong paddle. Because that’s the kind of thing Archer is into.

Cheryl Tunt

The gossipy office secretary at ISIS, Tunt is the frequent (and willing) target of Archer’s romantic advances. She possesses a strong affinity for bizarre sexual fetishes, as well as a complete lack of intelligence.

Director David O. Russell (The Fighter, Three Kings) could be given the benefit of the doubt amid allegations that he groped his adopted sister’s (still doesn’t make it ok) transgender 19-year-old daughter. The two were working out last Friday, as uncles and transgender nieces so often do, when he noticed that hormone therapy had made her breasts bigger, as uncles somewhat less often do.

He then slid his hand under her shirt, reportedly with her permission to ensure that his actions weren’t making her uncomfortable, as if having one’s uncle massaging one’s nubile breasts could ever make one THAT uncomfortable.

Russell stated that the act was just out of curiosity, which doesn’t explain why he allegedly made his niece “pinky swear” not to tell anyone. Any time an uncle makes a niece or nephew pinky swear to anything, the police should be notified immediately.

Russell then reportedly went on to further ratchet up the creepy by oversharing with police that, since the hormone treatments, his niece “has become very provocative and seductive,” which may be a step backwards in his efforts to convince people he’s not huge into incest.

Russell’s camp “emphatically denies any wrongdoing,” except, presumably, for the act of groping your niece who is suffering from gender identity issues.

This should play out nicely.

(The Wrap)

Underage Drinking: A National Concern

When the gang starts letting high school kids drink at the bar, it opens up a potential disaster for everyone, but especially Dennis. A high school senior blackmails him into taking her to the prom, and she threatens to tell the cops about Paddy’s newly liberal I.D. policy if Dennis doesn’t comply. Although the girl in question claims to be 18, Dennis is still nervous and shows resistances to dating her, acknowledging how wrong it seems. This little bit of conscience he displays doesn’t last throughout the series, however.

Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom

Dennis is alarmed to discover that Mac has slept with his mom. He is even more horrified to discover that his attempts at revenge sex with Mac’s Mom and later Charlie’s mom are roundly rejected. His willingness to sleep with either of these women just for revenge is pretty disgusting, and is one of the early red flags at how detached Dennis is from intimacy.

The Aluminum Monster Vs. Fatty McGoo

Upon learning that a former high school classmate has hit it big with a women’s clothing store, Dennis tries to sell her his fashion designs, which mostly consist of his crude drawings of large breasted women (these drawings appear repeatedly). The most fascinating moment of the episode comes when Dennis, while having his designs turned down, reveals that the words “no”, “don’t” and “stop” never work on him, because he’s “a winner.” The second most fascinating moment comes when Dennis puts on lipstick and a dress and attempts to model the clothes himself. It’s bizarre, disquieting and awesome rolled into one.

As usual, this list’s contentions are final and non-negotiable. Anyone caught discussing or arguing with the findings here or anywhere else online will have their comments deleted and their Internet privileges suspended.

Hayden Panettiere

Standing only 5’2”, Panattiere serves as this list’s “Shetland hottie.” She might not have Rihanna’s tall grace, but she more than makes up for it by looking like a cute tiny teenager while wearing a cheerleading outfit. She would have appeared higher on this list, but she was romantically involved with boxer Vladimir Klitschko which upsets me for a number of reasons, none of which I’m going to get into in this forum.

Yaya DeCosta

This Tron: Legacy actress finished 3rd in America’s Next Top Model, which springboarded her into acting. She stole a handful of scenes in The Kids Are All Right as Mark Ruffalo’s coworker/eff buddy and appears in the upcoming Justin Timberlake sci-fi crime thriller In Time.

I can’t speak to whether or not whips and chains excite Yaya the way they do Rihanna, but I’m comfortable assuming they do until I hear otherwise.

Minka Kelly

The star of Friday Night Lights and the soon-to-be cancelled (I’m guessing) Charlie’s Angels on ABC can not only face-off against Ms. Umbrella, but emerge victorious. Realizing I know next-to-nothing about Ms. Kelly, I looked her up to find that she was last year’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” winner. How ‘bout that!

She recently broke up with Derek Jeter, so if you think your game is on par with the likes of him, by all means, call her up. I don’t have her phone number, but I’m sure she’s listed.

Are you telling me this wife is so lazy that she won’t even blow her own husband on his birthday? COME ON!

Read the story, because it’s pretty funny and interesting (link above). However, if you want some fun out-of-context quotes, try these:

“Do whores prefer eyeliner or just mascara with a pinch of shadow?”

“In fact, to me, she kind of resembled one of those little island pygmies from Gulliver’s Travels.”

“…I got the impression it was in the hooker handbook not to accept drinks on the job.”

“Oh my god I am a monster!”

And my all time favorite…

“The bronzed buxom beauty climbed up on my husband, fastened a condom over his semi erect penis and went to work.”

Remember when you used to wake up in the morning, a song in your heart and twinkle in your eye because you had never thought about Jason Biggs‘ “semi erect penis?” Those days are over.

Also, a blowjob with a condom? For his birthday? COME ON!

Some of the most iconic movies of the past century become wildly exotic and more compelling when the actual genders are swapped.

You probably want an example. Here are 15…

Forest Gump

A man sleeps with a retarded girl, then spends the rest of his life trying to avoid her.

Different film, no? Perhaps not as sweet and endearing as the original, but certainly one I would pay to see.

Well, this happens to be the case for many, many recent and not-so-recent classics. So take a gander to see what films pique your interest when the genders of the characters have been reversed. (Caution: Some plots become insanely hot and erotic.)

Shawshank Redemption

A black woman and a white woman form a very special bond in prison, only to reunite in Mexico to live the rest of their lives together.

Basic Instinct

A man kills a woman with an ice pick, then shows his genitals to the police during an interrogation before being cleared of all charges.

Iron Giant

A girl develops a very special relationship with a mechanical friend.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

The continuing story of four young boys who acquire a pair of magical jeans that fit all four of them perfectly, even though they are all different shapes and sizes.

When Harry Met Sally

In order to demonstrate a salient point about sexual roles, a man fakes an orgasm in a crowded deli. “I’ll have what he’s having.”

Thelma and Louise

Two men shoot their rapist, have sex with a young girl, and drive off a cliff while being chased by women.

The Accused

A man dresses like a whore and gets raped by two women on top of a pinball machine.

Almost Famous

A 15 year-old female music reporter has a sexual awakening at the hands of older male groupies.

American Beauty

An uptight man has an affair while his wife masturbates in the shower. Then she’s killed by her closeted lesbian neighbor.

Junior

A woman has a baby.

Boogie Nights

A woman with an enormous vagina enters the world of adult films.

Sex and the City 2

Four fabulous men with shoe fetishes go to Dubai to f*ck everything that moves.

A League of Their Own

While the women fight in World War II, the men stay home and play baseball.

Bend It Like Beckham

A young Indian boy defies his parents, who believe boys have no business playing soccer.

Thanks to Amanda Al-Masri, Nick Rutkaus

Rizzo – Grease

What makes Rizzo a good candidate for this list? Well, she’s a bit of a slut. And while that in and of itself might not be a great reason, the fact that she actually sings songs about putting out puts her a few notches above your normal tramp.

Sebastian – Cruel Intentions

Sebastian is a total man whore. After all, he wants to bang his stepsister, so I’m pretty sure he’s down for having meaningless sex with you.

Mrs. Robinson – The Graduate

She’s old, she’s lonely, and she’s experienced. She’s also down for whatever and wants to keep things casual. Just don’t mess it up by going after her hotter, younger daughter, and you’ll be fine.

Annie – Bridesmaids

True, Jenny and Forrest did end up getting married. But let’s be honest, she was just using him for the health insurance. For most of the film, they were simply friends with benefits. Granted, Forrest didn’t get many “benefits” out of the deal. One night of sex and a premature ejaculation isn’t exactly a fair trade for a lifetime of devotion. But a lot of other guys took Jenny for a spin without any sort of commitment, so she made the list.

Note: Be sure to wrap up tight with this one.

Beth – 40 Year Old Virgin

Beth is not the kind of girl you’d want to bring home to meet the family. However, when it comes to causal hookups, she’s a great friend to have. She’s into some kinky stuff. She’d even let you put your bike in her trunk, if you know what I mean.

Nadia – American Pie

The fact that she’s incredibly hot and likes to look at porn is a great start. But the fact that Nadia is also an exchange student seals the deal. Yes, the accent is sexy. But the real benefit is that at the end of the semester, she’ll be on a plane headed back to her own country, which means there’s no chance for a long term relationship to develop.

Leon Phelps – The Ladies Man

Leon is smooth, sophisticated, and well endowed. And as his nickname indicates, he has no problem keeping things causal. If you’re a lady looking for no-strings-attached sex, Leon is your man.

Lisa – Weird Science

Of all the entries on this list, Lisa is number one. Why? Because she’s a friggen sex-robot. Talk about keeping it causal. If she somehow goes against her programing and decides she wants a commitment, you can simply bash he head in with a chair. There’s no law against killing robots…not yet, anyway.

We’ve covered topless scenes, bikini scenes, and even pigtails, so the next logical step in our devolution toward becoming a softcore porn site is the 29 greatest thong scenes in cinema history. Inspired by Natalie Portman‘s upcoming thong scene in Your Highness, we spent hours combing the Internet in order to bring you the best of the best in thong-related cinema. This was no easy task, and came at great personal expense. As a result of compiling this list, I’ve been desensitized to the point where my penis didn’t even budge while watching the three-way scene from Wild Things. I hope you’re happy. Enjoy the thongs.

(If like thongs, you’ll love our twitter account. Follow us @screenjunkies)

Note: We included one-piece bathing suits that floss in the back. If you don’t like it, write your friggen congressman.

Melanie Griffith – Fear City (1984)

There was a time where Melanie Griffith in a thong was something people would pay to see. That time was 1984, and it was every bit as chilling as Owell’s dystopian tale.

Click here for the full video (NSFW).

Linda Kozlowski – Crocodile Dundee (1986)

Remember when Australian crap was all the rage? If not, you were probably born after 1990. There’s no shame in that, but you did miss out on same great thong scenes. But you also missed out on hyper-color shirts, so I guess you take the good with the bad.

Goldie Hawn – Overboard (1987)

If you’ve ever wondered where Kate Hudson gets her good looks, look no further than Goldie Hawn in this scene from Overboard. I’d make a joke about those stupid glasses, but chances are, you didn’t even notice she was wearing them.

Kelly Lynch – Cocktail (1988)

Kelly Lynch looks great in this thong scene from the Tom Crusie classic, Cocktail. But I’ll always remember her as Patrick Swayze‘s girl in Roadhouse. Rest in peace, Dalton.

Eloise Broady – Weekend at Bernies (1989)

I’d never heard of Eloise Broad until I looked her name up today, but her performance in Weekend at Bernie’s has stuck with me for over 20 years. Now that’s what I call great acting. Please note that I didn’t make a joke about her ass getting a dead man aroused. Even though it was perfect for the film, I took the high road.

Nicolette Scorsese – Christmas Vacation (1989)

You don’t actually see the thong in this Chevy Chase holiday comedy, but we had to include it. Screw you if you don’t like it. It’s a god damn classic.

Loryn Locklin – Taking Care of Business (1990)

If you actually want to watch this film, you’ll have to deal with 120 minutes of Jim Beliushi. Luckily, the author of this Youtube video has edited out “the Belush,” leaving only the good parts (the “good parts” being Loryn Locklin’s ass).

Katherine Heigl – My Father the Hero (1994)

If you watched the clip above and liked it, you are a pedophile. That is all.

Jamie Lee Curtis – True Lies (1994)

I heard a rumor about Jamie Lee Curtis. Apparently, before she was selling yogurt that makes you shit, she used to be hot.

Click ‘Next Page’ To Continue…

When I was a young man, seeing a topless scene on TV was all but impossible, aside from the occasional native woman on PBS. But thankfully, things have changed. Now, anyone who isn’t too poor to afford premium cable can easily watch some tig ol’ bitties whenever the mood strikes. What an age we live in.

The following 15 scenes are all from HBO’s lineup. We tried to spread it around to include several different shows, which is why five of your favorite girls from “Entourage” or”True Blood” probably didn’t make the cut. Sorry, but that’s life. Besides, at the end of the day, you’re still looking at naked breasts.

Also, in case you didn’t guess, all the links to video are NSFW.

15. Kristin Proctor – “The Wire”

In season two of “The Wire,” Kristin Proctor has a very brief, yet very memorable role as the girlfriend of Nick Sobotka. To be honest, I don’t remember much of her dialogue. But I do remember this amazing and somewhat pointless topless scene.

Click Here For Video

14. Rebecca Creskoff -”Hung“

HBO’s “Hung” doesn’t get the same amount of buzz that other shows on the network seem to get. But based entirely on this picture or Rebecca Creskoff naked, I’m going to give the show another chance.

Click Here For Video

13. Katy Mixon (Body Double) – “East Bound and Down”

Katy Mixon plays April Buchanon, the buxom brunette elementary school teacher who steals Kenny Powers’ heart. Speaking of stealing, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear she was shoplifting melons. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see said melons, as she uses a body double. But whoever they hired did a really, really good job.

Click Here For Video

12. Claire Van Der Boom -”The Pacific“

“The Pacific” isn’t exactly your go-to series for topless scenes. However, I felt the need to include it. Why? Because without the few glimpses of nudity the series provided, it might have been the most depressing show in history. Thank God for tits. Also, there were a few other topless scenes that might have been better, but this actress’ last name is “Van Der Boom,” and that goes a long way in my book.

Click Here For Video

11. Polly Walker – “Rome”

You can’t do a show about ancient Rome without showing some skin. Well, you can, but nobody wants to watch an hour-long show about Cato the Younger’s wacky senatorial adventures. That’s where Polly Walker (Atia) comes in. Her breasts have more screen time than Lepidus, and he was in The Second Triumvirate! Ugh, you don’t care, do you? Fine, just look at the titties.

Click Here For Video

For one, Nic Cage remains clothed. So that’s a relief. Why? Because he never disrobes before a gunfight. Note: all the best gunfighters don’t disrobe before their gunfights. That’s like Gunfighting 101.

The gunfight itself isn’t all that spectacular and pales compared to the gunfighting while humping scene in Shoot ‘Em Up. What does make this clip awesome however is the fact that Nic Cage’s character smokes a cigar and chugs whiskey while in the act. That’s baller right there. Also, boobs. The boobs help make this clip awesome too. (via Horror Yearbook)

^{Lord only knows where that finger has been.}

The soothsayers over at Hustler have done it again. Apparantly, the thought of the "Glee" cast rubbing their genitals together isn’t a far-fetched scenario that exists only in parody porn and fan fiction. Ryan Murphy, the show’s co-creator and producer, has been forced to ban sex in the kids’ trailers. He creepily announced his decree to Telegraph UK:

"But I have a rule: don’t do it in your trailer. They’ve broken that rule on many occasions. I’m like, ‘I know you guys are young and hormonal, but don’t do it in your trailer’. I’m the dad, that’s what I say’."

This news makes me feel sad for the female castmembers. They must be so bored while all that sex is going on without them.

It was probably close to three in the morning in your living room. You were six sodas and three gorditas deep with the volume turned way down on the set, anxiously awaiting some practical knowledge regarding the mysterious act of sex. From the scenes that put wisdom in your brain and a strain in your shorts, these were the moments that taught you more about getting laid than anything else. Here are some of the lessons you learned.

Porky’s

LESSON: Don’t be afraid to smell like a Dude.

Before Kim Cattrall was slutting it up on Sex In The City, she had a howling appreciation for the stench of the boy’s locker rooms. It’s not that Tinactin and Ben-Gay are aphrodisiacs. It’s that girls like the way guys smell, and vice versa. It’s one of the things that’s kept the human race boning since day one. 

Weird Science

LESSON: You can’t build a woman. So you need to figure out how the the real ones work.

Gary and Wyatt use their sweet hacking / collage skills to build a mega babe with their Comadore 64. So much for playing Bionic Commando in a pair of Umbros. In the end, the boys don’t get any tail from their creation. It reminds us that science has not yet devised a way to create the perfect woman (not yet).  So we better learn how to work the ones around us.

True Lies

LESSON: Use words to bring out a woman’s inner-sexiness.

Who knew a tape recorder with a cheesy French accent could turn Jamie Lee into a wind-up Strippo-Roboto?  Note to self: Hit up Radio Shack before the company holiday party, or at least prep with a few original lines.

Baywatch

LESSON: Sometimes women throw themselves at you. Learn to catch them.

Although the most watched television show of all time neglected to inform that the beaches of Los Angeles are filthy cesspools of trash and acoustic buskers, it did have its share of practical lessons regarding the opposite sex. Follow up lesson: fake boobs are totally awesome. 

Roseanne (National Anthem)

Lesson: Opposites attract.

Chicks don’t want a guy who has more hair products than them (or shower gel with exfoliating aloe crystals). Conversely, guys don’t really want a girl who is this into sports. And as an absolute, no one wants Roseanne.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Lesson: Go big, go home, or go online to find it.

“Anatomically Correct” is for medical textbooks. If you had to draw the same chick 1400 times for a minute of animation, of course the boobs would be bigger than the head. My point is this. Jessica Rabbit was basically the graphic interpretation of what what 99.9 % of dudes want to screw, and there is NOTHING wrong with that.

Splash

LESSON: Sexy, eccentric chicks are often the hardest to bone.

The issue of Mo’ Mermaid, Mo’ Problem has been covered throughout history. What it basically amounts to is this. Mermaids are sexy, but there’s just no physical way to get your hump on. Sometimes you just have to set your sights on conquerable territories.

Y Tu Mama Tambien

LESSON: Let women feel in control of their sexiness.

As much as you like air-drumming to the Spin Doctors, surrender control of the jukebox to any woman. Have her choose where you’re going to dinner. This is just speaking to a bigger point. Let women make the decisions on the smaller things, and play along when they’re expressing their sexual side. It’s better for both of you on the highway to bone town.

Fear (NSFW)

LESSON: Some chicks are turned on by thrilling situations. Accommodate this at all costs.

The original version of Wild Horses is from the Rolling Stones album Sticky Fingers.  "Graceless lady you know wh I am / You know I can’t let you slide through my hands / Wild horses, couldn’t drag me away." My point is that if you are ever on a roller coaster with Reese Witherspoon and she wants you to finger bang her, you better sack up.

Wild Things (NSFW)

LESSON: Cover the little red recording light.

Memories and photos fade. Video has a much better shelf life. 

Fast Times

LESSON: Don’t jerk off so much.

Yeah, It relieves stress and takes that edge off. But doing it too much is only going to decrease the amount that you get laid, and might even get you caught. Seriously, sometime that edge is exactly what you need.

Everything You Need To Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Lesson: Getting laid is an incredibly complex process. Relax and go with it.

It helps to understand that the delicate dance between you and a woman you are trying to bed is a feat that involves a level of coordination and strategy you don’t employ on a regular basis. Go with the flow, stay the course, and be prepared buy brunch. But let your body take care of the rest– it knows what it’s doing.

Lessons by "Sex Specialist" Buck Russell

Today’s Marquee Links

Jersey Shore Valentine’s

Lasonic’s iPod Boombox

Animal Fails

CHUD was the first to point out that sexy model-actress Diora Baird has announced via Twitter that she has auditioned for a role in the upcoming Thor film. No one is certain which role she read for or if she’ll even get the part but it’s a slow news morning so conjecture like this makes headlines. Honestly. It was between this or pictures of dogs sniffing celebrities.

Tee-hee! Look at ‘im sniff her!!

Get a whiff of these fresh-scented morning links…

Let’s get you squared away for the weekend. Tainted meat, spoiled pets, college hijinks, plane crashes, Neil Diamond, and Lucy Liu: Vampire Hunter round out what you should be watching. I should also note that you don’t want to miss the return of Battle Whale.

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

NEIL DIAMOND — HOT AUGUST NIGHT: NYC
Network: CBS
Time: 8 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: The Godfather of Adult Contemporary Cock Jams is bringing his electricity to NYC for ONE NIGHT ONLY. This is a huge cause for celebration. 8PM on Friday, pre-game with Neil.
 

WHALE WARS
Network: ANIMAL
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: The team plans to poison the whale meat aboard the Japanese ship to make it worthless. Later Paul witnesses a brutal whale killing. And an act of vengeance pitches Battle Whale’s soul into a dark place. One from which there may be no coming back.

WHO’S ON LATE

LETTERMAN (repeat)
Sandra Day O’Connor; MSTRKRFT with John Legend

CONAN
Shaquille O’Neal;  Demetri Martin; Jack Ingram

KIMMEL
Jonah Hill; Mary McCormack; Ryan Sheckler

FERGUSON
Liza Minnelli; archaeologist Kara Cooney

FALLON
January Jones, Neal Brennan

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15th, 2009
 

BACK TO SCHOOL
Network: HBO
Time: 8:15 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: How can you look into those bulbous, leaky eyes and say ‘no’?
 

INSANELY PAMPERED HOLLYWOOD DOGS
Network: Style
Time: 10:30 – 11PM

Reasons to watch: Tune in and find out why the terrorist hate us.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 16th, 2009
 

RISE: BLOOD HUNTER
Network: Syfy
Time: 7 – 9PM

Reasons to watch: Lucy Liu returns from the grave to destroy the vampires that killed her. I don’t think this ever got a theatrical run. So let me get this straight. Lucy Liu made a movie worse than Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever??
 

HUDSON PLANE CRASH — WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
Network: TLC
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Find out the real truth about what brought Flight 1549 down on that chilly, winter day. And find out why the birds would attack us like that after years of peace. Can we peacefully co-exist again or is it time for Operation: Chase After Some Pigeons With A Weed Whacker?

Blindfolds, bickering, shackles, mounds of snow, and serious daddy issues. All things you might find in Pamela Anderson’s bedroom. Your TV preview begins now!

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

STAR WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI
Network: Spike TV
Time: 9PM – Midnight

Reasons to watch: Ahh, Return of the Jedi. The final chapter in the Star Wars saga. Go back to a more simple time before George Lucas took your childhood and dunked it in the shitter flushing repeatedly. I’ll take Ewoks over that pod race anyday.

MAN VS. WILD
Network: Discovery
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: Bear goes to the Arctic Circle to hunt wild reindeer. Nice try Grylls. We all know that you’re secretly hunting Santa. You keep out of that workshop, you hear me? Those toys are for ALL OF US.

CRISS ANGEL: MINDFREAK
Network: A&E
Time: 9 – 10PM

Reasons to watch: In the opener for Season 5, the wizard is shackled and buried alive in a transparent coffin beneath ice and snow. I’ve heard of being buried beneath snow. And I’ve heard of being buried beneath ice. But never the two together. Consider my mind freaked!

In SPREAD, opening this Friday, Ashton Kutcher plays Nikki, a high-end lothario who has slept his way into a life of privilege.  We haven’t seen the film, but we’re pretty sure that we’d rather it focused on Kutcher’s co-star Margarita Levieva, if only to give us more screen time with her.  In the film, Levieva plays Heather, who turns out to be a grifter just like Nikki… and the plot thickens.

But it got us thinking that Heather, no matter how good she is at swindling through sex, has got some pretty stiff competition cinematically speaking.  The following ten sexpots are Screen Junkies’ picks for the 10 Hottest Female Grifters in Movies.

Angelina Jolie as Julie Russell

ORIGINAL SIN (2001)

When you have the ridonkulous hotness on your side, you can convince weak men to do anything.  In the case of ORIGINAL SIN, Julia (Angelina Jolie)is a high stakes grifter who seduces wealthy Cuban coffee magnate Luis (Antonio Banderas) into marrying her based on a bunch of overseas correspondence and charm.  Flash forward, past a lot of intrigue and a lot more ass shots (some Jolie good, some of the Banderas variety) and you wind up finding out Julia is in cahoots with Walter (Thomas Jane), the phony detective who’s been playing Luis almost as long as his partner.  Just not with his balls, like Julia.  We don’t want to spoil too much, but run out and rent this to check out Jolie’s performance, which garnered her the 2001 Worst Actress Razzie award.  And she didn’t even have to $%*& anyone to get it.

Barbara Stanwyck as Phyllis Dietrichson

DOUBLE INDEMNITY (1944) 

Barbara Stanwyck is the O.G. of this sultry bunch, but still one of the best thanks to her role as conniving femme fatale Phyllis Dietrichson in Billy Wilder’s DOUBLE INDEMNITY.  After taking out a sizable life insurance policy on her husband, Dietrichson seduces insurance man Walter Neff (Fred MacMurray) so badly he agrees to murdering the cuckold in cold blood.  We won’t tell you what happens in the rest of the film – this is one of the best Film Noir flicks EVER and you should see it – but suffice it to say that if we were on the receiving end of Dietrichson’s advances back in the day, we might have done some very bad things, too.  Not sold?  Check out some of this smoldering dialogue between Neff & Phyllis:

Phyllis: Mr. Neff, why don’t you drop by tomorrow evening about eight-thirty. He’ll be in then.
Walter Neff: Who?
Phyllis: My husband. You were anxious to talk to him weren’t you?
Walter Neff: Yeah, I was, but I’m sort of getting over the idea, if you know what I mean.
Phyllis: There’s a speed limit in this state, Mr. Neff. Forty-five miles an hour.
Walter Neff: How fast was I going, officer?
Phyllis: I’d say around ninety.
Walter Neff: Suppose you get down off your motorcycle and give me a ticket.
Phyllis: Suppose I let you off with a warning this time.
Walter Neff: Suppose it doesn’t take.
Phyllis: Suppose I have to whack you over the knuckles.
Walter Neff: Suppose I bust out crying and put my head on your shoulder.
Phyllis: Suppose you try putting it on my husband’s shoulder.
Walter Neff: That tears it.  

Sigourney Weaver as Max Conners

Jennifer Love Hewitt as Page Conners

HEARTBREAKERS (2001) 

You gotta have one tag team on the list, and this is about as hot as it gets… at least on paper.  Starring as a mother-daughter con artist team, Weaver and Love Hewitt fleece wealthy men out of their savings. The grift is this, Weaver finds and marries rich men. Then JLH swoops in and seduces them. Weaver catches them in the act and takes the guys for all they’re worth in divorce proceedings. Although the movie wasn’t all that great, the two have a nice chemistry together. And by that I’m talking about the movie’s real stars. (Hint: Hewitt’s boobs.) 

Karin Dor as Helga Brandt

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967) 

James Bond has slept with plenty of women who are after more than just his pocket Walther PPK, but our pick for most conniving of the bunch is Helga Brandt, played by hot German strudel Karin Dor in YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE.  A loyal henchwoman of arch-villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld, head of the nefarious SPECTRE, Brandt attempts to kill Bond by pretending to defect to his side.  She ends up defecting to his side of the bed as well, and not for lack of trying.  "Mr. Osato believes in a healthy chest," says Brandt to Bond, as she mixes him a stiff drink in her boss, Osato’s office.  Sadly, Osato also believes in standing by while his employees are eaten alive by Blofeld’s pet piranhas – a fate Brandt meets after her failure to finish Bond once and for all.  Fun fact: the film was written by Roald Dahl. 

Sara Foster as Nancy Hayes

THE BIG BOUNCE (2004) 

Based on Elmore Leonard’s first crime novel, THE BIG BOUNCE stars Owen Wilson as a small time crook who gets involved with scorching hot Sara Foster. Together they team up to take down a sleazy real estate developer whom she is sleeping with. Naturally because it is an Elmore Leonard story, she has her own hidden agenda. Who’d have thought that a backstabbing mistress couldn’t be trusted? BORING FACT: Sara Foster is Hollywood royalty and introduced Ashton Kutcher to Demi Moore.

Jennifer Tilly as Violet

BOUND (1996) 

Before playing with bullet-time and high wire kung fu, the Wachowski Brothers bent stereotypes about sexuality in the Billy Wilder-inspired BOUND. Jennifer Tilly plays a woman who wants out of her abusive relationship with Mafioso Joe Pantoliano. She falls into the arms of Gina Gershon who helps her make off with 2 million mob bucks, leaving a pile of Italian bodies along the way. Much like the fight scenes in THE MATRIX, the sex scenes in BOUND were also choreographed. This time the moves are plotted out by sex expert Susie Bright not by Yuen Woo-ping, who is rumored to be terrible in bed.

Alison Doody as Dr. Elsa Schneider

Indiana Jones & THE LAST CRUSADE (1989)

Life can be cruel, but karma eventually wins out.  And so it goes for the actress whose surname is synonymous with feces for most first graders, but whose uncompromising good looks is synonymous with boners for grown men.  Yes, Alison Doody solidified (ha) her place in the pantheon of sexy cinematic swindlers when, as Dr. Elsa Schneider, she slept her way int Indiana Jones‘s trust one hot, sticky night in Venice, Italy… before selling Dr. Jones out to the Nazis.  Had Indy only heeded Short Round’s prophetic portent that there’s "No time for love," he’d never EVER get into these sorts of messes.  But then again… even some Nazis can be too hot to brush off.  

Nicole Kidman as Suzanne Stone Maretto

TO DIE FOR (1995) 

All Nicole Kidman wants is a little attention in Gus Van Sant’s twisted dark comedy TO DIE FOR. Kidman stars as a woman so determined to be a famous news anchor that she seduces a teenager into killing her husband because he wants her to put her career on hold. Without giving away too much of the plot, we’ll just say that the film is an excellent satire of the media circus and the greedy people that desire fame no matter the cost. The movie really is very good and Kidman is hilarious in it. If you haven’t seen this yet make that the next thing you do. Okay. Put pants on first. 

Drew Barrymore as Ivy

POISON IVY (1992) 

"What Ivy wants, Ivy gets," is this film’s tagline, and it couldn’t be truer about the titular character played by Drew Barrymore, who befriends schoolmate Sylvie Cooper (Sara Gilbert) to infiltrate her family and eventually move in with them.  Shortly thereafter, Ivy gets in father Darryl’s (Tom Skerritt) pants, and – SPOILER ALERT – takes mother Georgie (Cheryl Ladd) out of the picture through… muuuuurdeeeer.  Take that, Strokes guitarist Albert Hammond Jr. and actor/Mac shill Justin Long! Tom Skerritt had Drew FIRST! 

Rebecca Romijn as Laure Ash

FEMME FATALE (2002) 

Way back during the Stamos years, Rebecca Romijn teamed up with Brian De Palma to bear it all in FEMME FATALE. Starring as a jewel thief who knows how to get her hands on more than just precious stones. The big score takes place during a Cannes Film Festival screening when sexy Rie Rasmussin enters ass-naked save for some chain mail and diamond-encrusted bra. The plan is simple and evidently dreamt up by a fourteen year old hornball. Ash is to casually approach the model while she is clad in millions, walk her away from security, and convince her to partake in a quickie in the bathroom (a classic move known as ‘the Hartnett’). During the steamy lesbian tryst, the body armor is swapped out for a counterfeit. If you thought it was exciting to see Tom Cruise get the NOC List out of Langley in De Palma’s MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE, you’ll be a different kind of excited to watch Rasmussin get out of those clothes.

What sexual grifter ladies from film would you be willing to sleep with if it meant very bad things for you later?

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