Screen Junkies » Seven http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Thu, 18 Sep 2014 20:13:15 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Do Movies With Intentionally Misspelled Titles Always Suck? An Investigation http://www.screenjunkies.com/general/do-movies-with-intentional-misspellings-always-suck-an-investigation/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/general/do-movies-with-intentional-misspellings-always-suck-an-investigation/#comments Thu, 07 Aug 2014 17:18:03 +0000 Jared Jones http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=263828 You can tell a lot about the intentional misspelling of a word in a film — mainly, that it is poison and should be avoided at all costs.

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By Jared Jones

Just yesterday, we all learned that the title of the new, completely necessary Terminator film will be Terminator: Genisys. You see, it’s clever because the non-Terminator word in that title is normally spelled “genesis.” Apparently, the film’s assertion is that illiteracy, not technology, will be the cause of man’s ultimate undoing at the hands of our future robot overlords. It’s an interesting premise, I’ll give it that much.

As luck would have it, you can actually tell a lot about the intentional misspelling of a word in a movie title, band name, MMA fighter nickname or whathaveyou — mainly, that any person or product that opts for one is terrible and should be avoided at all costs. An intentionally misspelled movie title is like the shake of a rattlesnake’s tail, warning you that it would be stupid bordering on deadly to proceed any further with the thing you are looking at. A few prime examples…

Se7en

Well, my theory is off to a rough start, because David Fincher’s Se7en is an undeniably awesome film. Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt, and a box with Gwyneth Paltrow‘s head in it is, like, exactly how I’d describe my dream vacation, you guys. That said, whoever chose to replace the “v” with the number 7 should have their head placed right beside Gwyneth’s in that box.

How am I even supposed to pronounce that? Se-seven-en? Sev-even? Sussudio?

It’s probably Sussudio. It’s always Sussudio.

Simon Sez

It took me a good half hour to realize that Simon Sez was not Double Team, that *other* late 90′s action movie starring Dennis Rodman. I probably should have realized that one of them co-starred Jean-Claude Van Damme while the other co-starred…Dane Cook?! That can’t be right. The timelines of fame don’t line up, and plus, there is no union on the Venn Diagram between Rodman and Cook fans.

This is ridiculous. We should all probably give this one a look…

Well, that’s definitely Dane Cook all right. In 30 seconds, I counted a Chewbacca impression, a dinosaur impression, and a dog impression. The man is truly the Michael Winslow of non police-themed comedy. And if you somehow make it past all that, you will find John Pinette (R.I.P), a Grey Poupon joke, and a villain who uses the phrase “Tea time!” to commence nuclear destruction. I am so goddamn depressed right now. Like, with humanity.

Antz

It’s bad enough that this movie was a cheap, transparent ripoff of A Bug’s Life which owed its creation to a grudge between movie studios, but if you were to ask me (which you are doing by virtue of reading this article), the most shameful atrocity Antz committed was that upon the English language.

Replacing an “s” with a “z” is neither, hip, chill, cool, or clever, and our country has arguably never recovered from the S to Z movement spurred by this film. I don’t care how important your main character is, he is not allowed to have an impact on the nomenclature of his species. What, are we all suppose to start calling ourselves Homobama Sapiens because Barry O’s in the White House? And do the people who created this bastard Bug’s Life abomination honestly expect to us pronounce the “z” as an actual “z”, making it sound as if we are buzzing in on a game show while discussing movies with our friends? And if they wanted that, why not make the movie about bees and call it Buzz?

There. In three seconds, I have come up with a better film than you, Dreamworks. Enjoy your studio that was built on a throne of lies.

eXistenZ

WHAT DID I JUST SAY, EXISTENCE?!!

This movie was actually OK though.

Click the “next page” link for more movie titles that were too hip for their own good…

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We Now Get ‘Se7en’ Remade As A Fake 8-Bit Video Game. Hurray! http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/we-now-get-se7en-remade-as-a-fake-8-bit-video-game-hurray/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/we-now-get-se7en-remade-as-a-fake-8-bit-video-game-hurray/#comments Thu, 07 Aug 2014 17:05:54 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=263871 "8-Bit Kevin Spacey" is the name of my noise rock band. We're playing a show next week. You should totally come.

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I don’t know what’s so funny about seeing complex films juxtaposed against the simplistic plots and graphics of 8-bit films. Wait. Yes I do. It’s what I just said. That’s why they’re funny.

The guys behind 8-Bit Cinema have done it again, this time by taking the dark world of David Fincher’s Se7en and giving it the NES treatment. Though, to be fair, this looks a little more like SNES 16-bit graphics, but I’m not here to upset the apple cart.

Just watch the video. It’s very funny to watch two noir detectives investigate heinous crimes in such a ridiculous context. I wish this was a real game.

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ReenSnackments Parodies “Seven” http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/reensnackments-parodies-seven/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/reensnackments-parodies-seven/#comments Thu, 20 Feb 2014 02:04:40 +0000 Lyndsey Saul http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=259506 It's "Seven" as you've never seen it before—with grown men dressed up as food.

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Ever seen John Doe played by a wedge of cheese? Beware: it’s not for the lactose intolerant!

 

Don’t miss the ReenSnackments parody of  “The Usual Suspects!”

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The 7 Best Movie Face-Offs http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/the-7-best-movie-face-offs/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/the-7-best-movie-face-offs/#comments Tue, 25 Sep 2012 00:53:37 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=251117 I didn't include the movie 'Face/Off' because it was too on the nose, and that's just not what we at Screen Junkies are about.

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It’s said that there are seven basic plots for storytelling: man vs. nature, man vs. man, man vs. the environment, man vs. machines/technology, man vs. the supernatural, man vs. self, man vs. god/religion. While they’re all pretty tantalizing, and each type of plot has certainly produced its share of masterpieces, something about man on man action really gets our motor running.

Wait. That doesn’t sound right.

Face-offs are often the culmination of this struggle, seen throughout time, and in the upcoming time-travel thriller Looper, which hits theaters this Friday, September 28th. It features not only man vs. man, but man vs. self, so you’re really getting two plot devices for the price of one, which means you can’t afford NOT to go see Looper.

Die Hard – (John McClane vs. Hans Gruber)

For most of Die Hard, John McClane exists as a rogue cop, his only connection to the criminals and the authorities being their disembodied voices over a walkie talkie.

As he slowly becomes a thorn in the side of uber-villain Hans Gruber, it’s clear that this isn’t the type of conflict that gets resolved talking about one’s feelings. McClane shows up to the dance with a pistol taped to his back, and ends up letting Hans fall to his death from the top of Nakitomi Plaza.

If I spoiled that for you, it’s on you. How the hell haven’t you seen Die Hard yet?

Heat – (Lt. Vincent Hanna vs. Neil McCauley)

The tagline for this film was “A Los Angeles Crime Saga,” and never has the word “saga” been more appropriate. We see both sides of the law, with each one existing in a world of gray. De Niro’s criminal and Pacino’s cop play a game of cat and mouse, and one could argue that the showdown comes a good 45 minutes before the end of the film. A ballsy daylight bank robbery sees the cops go head to head with the crooks, and the rest of the film essentially involves tying up loose ends, albeit pretty important ones.

No matter which scene you consider the showdown, Heat delivers.

Highlander (The Highlander vs. The Kurgan)

There can be only one, and whenever you match up a Scot with anyone else, from this world or another one, you must bet on the Scot. The Simpsons taught us that, and my (admittedly late) viewing of The Highlander reinforced it as power-hungry forces from nether worlds are brought down by good-intentioned Scots.

The showdown is worth watching simply to marvel at the size of the Claymore sword that the Highlander brandishes. Guys with swords that big generally don’t lose.

Scotland: F*ck Yeah.

Harry Potter (Harry Potter vs. Valdemort)

Potter. Valdemort. It’s go time. They spent so long setting up this conflict that by the time the showdown finally hits the fan in Deathly Hallows Part 2, we’re all beyond ready for the fireworks. Fortunately, they don’t disappoint. Valdemort just kicks his ass and evil prevails for the rest of eternity.

Ok, not really. One can also guess how this turns out, but it’s a testament to J.K. Rowling and the filmmakers that we can still lose ourselves in the world even though we’re pretty sure the good guys are going to win.

Terminator 2 – (T-1000 vs. T-800)

While Sarah and her son John Connor are caught in the middle of the warring factions, make no mistake: Terminator 2 is a film about the fight between two robotic soldiers from the future, the T-1000 and the antiquated T-800.

While they interact a few times during the film, it’s clear that the stage is being set for a showdown, which takes place at a foundry. It’s not surprise who is able to come out on top, but watching the showdown offers an immensely satisfying ending to the story laid out by both installments. (We’re going to pretend the later ones didn’t happen, ok?)

Se7en – (Detective David Mills vs. John Doe)

It may not be action packed, but what the final scene in Se7en lacks in violence, it more than makes up for in tension. It’s clear from the outset that nothing is going to plan as John Doe turns himself in, taking the detectives on one last outing before submitting to the mercy of the justice system.

David Fincher masterfully sets up the showdown, offering up far more questions than answers, and ratcheting up the tension, offering up a very somber car ride which John Doe banks on being his last.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly – (Blondie vs. Angel Eyes)

If that clip doesn’t sell you on why this film makes the list, then nothing I can say or do will help my cause. The music, the insanely slow boil, the camera angles, Clint Eastwood before he held conversations with furniture…this film has it all.

And then they all shoot each other. This one gets the award of delivering what it promises in the title and throughout the film.

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6 Rides We’d Like To See At Universal Studios Theme Parks http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/6-rides-wed-like-to-see-at-universal-studios-theme-parks/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/6-rides-wed-like-to-see-at-universal-studios-theme-parks/#comments Mon, 09 Jul 2012 21:22:04 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249618 Who wants theme park rides that make you think? *not a single hand raised*

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Transformers: The Ride opened up at Universal Studios Hollywood this summer, and by all accounts it’s a terrifically fun romp. That’s right. It’s a romp.

But making a theme park ride out of Transformers seems a little “on the nose.” Rather, I think the next generation of rides should focus not so much on the bombastic lowest-common-denominator films that make all the mouthbreathers “ooooh” and “ahhh,” but rather allow parkgoers to embark on an EMOTIONAL journey that leaves them a little richer for the experience.

Why yes…I do have some examples.

And here they are:

The Darjeeling Limited Train Experience: In 2-D!

Follow three actors who bear passing resemblances to Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, and Adrien Brody as you hop aboard an out-of-service Universal Studios tram and mill about the back streets of the theme park, experiencing a refreshingly dry look at a family dynamic.

A couple caveats on the ride is that all passengers must dress in era-agnostic clothing, and all cell phones must not only be turned off, but destroyed. This ride will not be suitable to persons suffering from narcolepsy, young children, or anyone allergic to deep cuts from The Kinks.

Amistad: The Log Ride!

Being a slave has never been so much fun as passengers her steer a rustic seaworthy ship to and fro in the face of crashing waves and angry, whip-happy slavetraders. The ride will have Steven Spielberg’s seal of approval as he publicly announces at the grand opening of the ride that this is “exactly what he had in mind when he got involved with the film in 1995.”

All participants will sign waivers stating that the whole idea is in no way racist, but rather an exploration of a subject too taboo to discuss…until now.”

All the passengers on the slave ship will be given old food, bolts, and miscellany to throw at the Darjeeling Limited passengers when the two rides’ paths cross.

Interactive AND meta.

Everything Must Go Real-World Yard Sale

This isn’t so much a ride as it is a sort-of souvenir shop that allows paying customers to walk through the shambles of Will Ferrell’s character’s life, picking up many of the items at INSANE discounts. Everything must go, indeed.

Christopher Jordan Wallace, son of the Notorious B.I.G., won’t be able to reprise his role as the spunky black kid, but audiences will be equally charmed by another, less popular black actor that they won’t be able to tell apart.

Items for sale include blenders, family photos, souvenir beer steins, and even Ferrell’s character’s shirt.

The 25th Hour Jambaroo

What would you do if you only had 24 hours before you were sent to prison for years on years? This ride will force you to examine just that. Would you spend quality time with your family? Would you cheat on your girlfriend in an ecstasy and champagne-fueled bender?

This ride assumes that you would choose the latter as a slow-moving trolley shuttles you through an evening of strip clubs, drunken buddies, and drugs as you inch closer to your inevitable fate. Just moments before being released from the safety harness, you are greeted by tearful friends and family who reluctantly beat the hell out of you so you’re not too pretty to last in prison.

Check In To Hotel Rwanda

This is one stay you won’t soon forget, as you are offered sanctuary along with other innocents as rebels, insurgents, and opportunists literally beat down the door. This ride doesn’t offer eye-popping imagery, whimsical nostalgia, or anything of that sort. Rather, this ride is similar to thrill coasters in that its main offering is unmitigated terror.

The nice thing about this ride is that the premise is incredibly cost-effective. Rather than hiring engineers to build tall coaster towers and tons of staff to ensure the ride runs smoothly, why don’t you terrify customers the old fashioned way: By having an uneducated black child wave a battered AK-47 in their face.

It will have people talking!!!

Se7en!!!

What’s in the box? You’ll find out if you’re able to brave the line for this popular ride to find out that only in a world this shitty can vain, fat, and slutty people be called innocent!

Cutting off your fingertips is optional, but you’ll have something to write about in your meticulously-kept journal as you negotiate a tour of a non-descript dreary city with your disillusioned loved one, constantly on the tail of a man who delights in ridding the world of scum.

When the ride is over, visit the Se7en Fun Center to see how accurately you can remove a pound of flesh from a pig carcass, see if you have the leg strength to kick a fat person until he hemorrhages, or glue a cell phone to your own hand and see if you would rather opt for the painless death or brave the world disfigured.

All this and more awaits fun-loving parkgoers at Se7en!!!

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We Lust After David Fincher’s ‘Se7en’ on Blu Ray DVD http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/we-lust-after-david-finchers-se7en-on-blu-ray-dvd/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/we-lust-after-david-finchers-se7en-on-blu-ray-dvd/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 'The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.' And it looks awesome in Blu Ray!David Fincher's Se7en is getting the Blu Ray treatment, meaning you'll soon see the bloated corpse of the fatass who ate himself to death in high definition, as God the father intended.The disk will be loaded with extras, including audio commentaries, alternate endings and full motion video details of "John Doe´s" creepy notebook writings. No word yet on the case, but hopefully it will resemble the box with the severed head. I think that'd be neat!Se7en on Blu Ray hits stores September 14th. (DreadCentral)

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‘The world is a fine place and wort fighting for.’ And it looks awesome in Blu Ray!

David Fincher’s Se7en is getting the Blu Ray treatment, meaning you’ll soon see the bloated corpse of the fatass who ate himself to death in high definition, as God the father intended.

The disk will be loaded with extras, including audio commentaries, alternate endings and full motion video details of "John Doe´s" creepy notebook writings. No word yet on the case, but hopefully it will resemble the box with the severed head. I think that’d be neat!

Se7en on Blu Ray hits stores September 14th. (DreadCentral)

 

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