You don’t know him yet, but the billionaire is hatching a plan that will put America back in most-favored-nation status. His new life’s work: hatching a sequel to In the Army Now, the 1994 Pauly Shore movie that you found mildly amusing when you were too dumb to know the difference between good things and bad things.

It’s even got a title. In the Army Again. You know, because he’s a back in the army again.

Without doing any research, I can say with absolute certainty that both Andy Dick and Shore are available at a moment’s notice. Further, a treatment is in play, a script will follow, and there’s already a press release, as evidenced by me talking about this thing.

The fact that it’s raining as I type this is just a coincidence, right?

Right?

(A.V. Club)

The Thing is the latest example, but not all movies get turned into franchises. Usually, the critically acclaimed flicks manage to slip by. The hell with that, says I! I need to know the back story to Kramer vs. Kramer, and I need to know it now! Lets take a look at some critically acclaimed films that deserve an unnecessary prequel.

1. Superman Returns

Time Away: 19 Years

This 2006 sequel was meant to return the original superhero franchise to greatness-instead in buried the series so dee the Man of Steel requires a total restart, due in 2013. What went wrong? The first film made you believe a man could fly, the second upped the ante with a superhuman fistfight…and in Superman Returns? Superman saved a plane. And stopped a bank robbery, I think. Too much talk, an unneeded super-kid and yet another appearance by Lex Luthor sunk this promising film at the script stage.

2. Escape From L.A.

Time Away: 15 Years

John Carpenter‘s 1996 sequel to his urban classic isn’t really a bad movie. The problem is that most fans had seen it already in 1981…when it was called Escape From New York. Story, side characters, jokes and even the climax are all recycled beat for beat from the original. Fans were ready to see a new Snake Plissken adventure, they just didn’t want to pay to see the same adventure they already owned on VHS (It was the 90′s, don’t judge me!).

3 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Time Away: 19 Years

Harrison Ford teased a fourth Indiana Jones outing for years…and he should have kept teasing, because what we got were aliens and Shia Labeouf. The film starts out well enough, but suffers from a weak antagonist, the bizarre use of aliens instead of the mystical, and a second half that moves slower than Willie Scott in a death trap (I’m not proud of that line). But it does bring back Karen Allen, and who isn’t cheered up when Karen Allen is around?

Note: There are many comedy sequels worse than the films listed here. But in our opinion, these are the most disappointing.

Major League II (1994)

Major League is to Major League II what Wesley Snipes is to Omar Epps. This is due, in no small part, to the fact that Omar Epps replaced Wesley Snipes in the role of Willie Mays Hayes for the second installment. At any rate, the first film was fun to watch because it involved a group of underdogs overcoming the odds. Once they won their division at the end of the first film, they were no longer underdogs, so who gives a damn?

Sister Act II: Back in the Habit (1993)

Forcing a degenerate character played by Whoopi Goldberg to live with a bunch of devout nuns just screams comedy, especially if you’re a middle-aged woman. But for the sequel, Whoopi’s character returns of her own free will to help teach at the school. Since she wasn’t forced to be there, the tension was gone. Besides that, adding a class full of teenage minority stereotypes really didn’t help.

Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995)

The first Ace Ventura was stupid, yet hilarious. The sequel was also stupid, but was lacking in the hilarity department. Save for the Rhino-birth scene, I’m not sure there’s a single laugh to be found in this horribly thrown together follow-up.

Porky’s II: The Next Day (1983)

How do you make a comedy about teens trying to get laid after all of the characters have already gotten laid? In all fairness, American Pie II was a tolerable film, so it can be done. But don’t ask the people behind Porky’s II how to do it, because they clearly don’t know.

Blue Brothers 2000 (1998)

I don’t use the word atrocity often, mainly because I don’t go to a lot of war-crime tribunals. But to fans of the original Blues Brothers, this film was like the Mai Lai Massacre. And as with Mai Lai, most of those responsible were never held accountable for their actions.

Weekend at Bernie‘s II (1993)

Weekend at Bernie’s managed to stretch an already thin premise to the breaking point, but it resulted in a surprisingly tolerable film. The sequel had no such luck, and quickly devolved into a first-class shit show. Given the nature of the film, I’m willing to suspend disbelieve to a point. But once the reanimated corpse was magically dancing around on its own, I called shenanigans. Unfortunately, I was watching the film by myself because everyone else was at the prom, so no one heard me.

Teen Wolf Too (1987)

Considering the great work Jason Bateman has done over the past ten years, it’s easy to forget he was in Teen Wolf Too. But I didn’t forget. And I never friggen will. On a side note, if a sequel has the word “too” in it, there’s a 99% chance it’s going to suck. Which brings us “too” our next film.

Look Who’s Talking Too (1990)

Although it is seldom accomplished, there’s always a need to try and improve upon the original when making a sequel. If your big idea to improve upon your film is to add a voice over of Roseanne, you might as well not try at all. Although compared to Look Who’s Talking Now, this film looks like The Godfather II.

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003)

Technically, this film is a prequel, so maybe it doesn’t belong on the list. Oh well.

In theory, the idea of the Star Wars prequels was promising because the original films set up an entire universe of colorful characters that people cared about, complete with an interesting back story. Sure, it didn’t turn out well, but the potential was there. Was there any potential for a Dumb and Dumber prequel starring two guys who look like Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels? We’re not talking about the origin of the Jedi, here. We’re talking about a couple of morons. Who cares how they met?

Evan Almighty (2007)

Man, Jim Carrey films are really prevalent on this list (Note: I meant the original films: Dumb and Dumber, Ace Ventura, Bruce Almighty). That said, he can’t be held accountable for Evan Almighty. I know the film is supposed to have a heartfelt message about faith, but what kind of loving god would allow a movie like this to get made?

European Vacation (1985)

Vacation was a film that just about everybody could relate to. At one point or another, most of us have been forced to partake in the forced family fun that is a road trip. On the other hand, most of us have no taken part in an all-expenses paid European adventure that we won on a pig-themed game show. The franchise redeemed itself with Christmas Vacation, probably because almost everyone has had to deal with family members during the holidays. But, everything went back to hell with Vegas Vacation.

Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear (1991)

The problem with making a sequel to a parody film is that the characters have almost no room to grow. Sure, you can stick them in a different, crazier situations, but it can’t help but feel like a retread of the original plot. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, if you’re in the mood for more of the same, and the Naked Gun II isn’t a horrible film on its own. But when compared to the original, there’s really no reason for it to exist.

Austin Powers II (1999)

Taking a swinging spy from the 60′s and dropping him into the post Cold-War era made for one of the funnier comedies of the past twenty years. But putting the fish back into water via a time travel plot just didn’t work. Instead of watching a guy make a fool out of himself, the sequel showed us an idiot interacting with a bunch of other like-minded idiots. That’s not funny, and after a while, it’s just annoying. To this day, any time someone says “yeah, baby,” I want to punch them in the face.

Caddyshack II (1988)

Caddyshack is one of the all-time classic comedy films. Unfortunately, Caddyshack II is one of the all-time worst sequels. Why is there such a drastic difference? The cast! Besides cameos by Chevy Chase and the gopher, I don’t think there’s a single character from the original film. What’s the point of making a sequel when the only connection to the original is the setting (Bushwood County Club)? That’s like making a sequel to The Big Lebowski, and having the only connection be the bowling alley.

Ghostbusters II (1989)

14 photosWarner Bros. Releases Too Many 'Hangover Part II' Stills