By Len Snodgrass

It’s Snodgrass: The Sequel!  And in the vein of all James Cameron sequels, this one is better than the first.  Last week, I brought you THE BEST REALITY SHOWS FOR SUMMER ’09.  Now it’s time to lay out the summer shows – both returning and new – with fictional characters you sometimes wish were real, instead of those shows with real people who often can’t believe actually exist.  Can I get a "Huzzah!" for drama and sitcom writers everywhere?!  There’s a reason the Writer’s Guild of America recognizes you and let’s the reality TV folks fend for themselves…

What it’s about:
Nancy and the rest of the dealing Botwin family are back in season 5 of the marijuana-centric Showtime series. 

When it’s on:
Mondays from 10:00PM – 10:30PM EST on Showtime. Starts June 8th

I’ve never touched chronic, or "THE" chronic as some dangerous-looking hip hop music moguls might say, but if Nancy Botwin (Mary Louise Parker) seductively waved an ounce of that sticky-icky-icky under my nose I might reconsider.  Talk about M.I.L.F.  Boy the things I’d do to her…  We could go grab a nice bite to eat at El Pollo Loco, not touch each other while playing a round of miniature golf, and then retire to my mother’s basement where we would watch "Weeds" and I would repeatedly woo her by telling her, “Hey, that’s you on screen!” 

What it’s about:
A half-hour dark comedy that is at turns wicked, heartbreaking and funny. Edie Falco stars as the title character Jackie O’Hurley, a strong-willed and brilliant — but very flawed — emergency room nurse in a complicated New York City hospital.

When it’s on:
Mondays from 10:30PM – 11:00PM EST on Showtime. Starts June 8th

Edie Falco’s acting chops make me grateful to be a human being and not a robot.  Very few things have this power.  Nine times out of ten if someone asks me, “Hey Len, would you rather be a human being or a robot?” I’d say, “Um, a robot, moron.  Now please just hand over the mail so I can get back to enjoying my loneliness.”  While robots may have jet propulsion packs and laser beam death rays, they can’t feel, and emotions are key to enjoying Ms. Falco’s performances.  Sometimes a soul is a necessary evil.   

What it’s about:
In Season 5 of the acclaimed FX series, Tommy Gavin (Dennis Leary) continues his battle with fires, alcoholism, and his ex-wife.

When it’s on:
Tuesdays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM EST on FX

The season started back in April, but it’s so totally tubular I recommend you catch up by watching episodes online.  There are explosions, ghosts, and naked ladies!  It’s like Dennis Leary pulled material directly from my frequent night terrors.  So invite a few friends over, order a few pizzas, and pull an all-nighter marathon.  That’s what I did.  Except my friends were the pizzas.  And oh what delicious friends they turned out to be.
 

What it’s about:
A new animated series from Mike Judge ("King of the Hill," "Beavis and Butt-head," "Office Space"), John Altschuler and Dave Krinsky ("King of the Hill," "Blades of Glory"). Meet Gerald and Helen Goode, a couple who live by the motto WWAGD ("What Would Al Gore Do?"). Gerald, a college administrator, and Helen, a community activist, are determined to obliterate their carbon footprint on the planet: They’re zealous vegans drive a hybrid, and recycle everything possible.

When it’s on:
Wednesdays from 9:00PM – 9:30PM EST on ABC

Normally I don’t like anything starring any characters that might sound like they could possibly be hippies.  Cartman from "South Park" and I share the same hatred for folks who love the earth to the point where it becomes uncomfortable.  But since Mike Judge is behind this show I’m definitely going to give it a gander.  I just hope it doesn’t shove the whole “go green” cause down my throat too persistently.  I still say food and beverages taste better when served on or in Styrofoam.   

What it’s about:
Stars Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter in a new twist on narrative and sketch comedies that features the long-time comedic partners as the hosts of their own fictitious sketch show.

When it’s on:
Wednesdays from 10:30PM – 11:00PM EST on Comedy Central. Starts July 15th

The Michaels are so funny they make me vomit.  Literally.  When I watch "Stella" and Wet Hot American Summer I puke all over myself.  It’s actually quite frightening at times, but I’ve learned to never watch their material on an empty stomach or in my good t-shirts.  Now you may say that’s repulsive, and you may say maybe the concussion you received when banging your head on the wall after fainting from your hypoglycemia is contributing to the problem, but I say it’s just my body’s visceral reaction to powerful humor.    

What it’s about:
This fast-paced, undercover police drama from prolific producer Jerry Bruckheimer follows the exploits of a crack undercover team of police officers so covert many of their own colleagues don’t even know they are involved.

When it’s on:
Wednesdays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM EST on TNT. Starts July 15th

Mix the brooding intensity of Dylan McDermott with the finely groomed beard of Jerry Bruckheimer and you’re sure to have a gripping drama.  I hope this show is as intense as "The Shield," and McDermott cracks some skulls like Vic Mackey.  If not, they should bring in Bruckheimer’s beard to replace him.  I swear, that facial hair could make you crumble just by looking you in the eye.  It clearly explains how Jerry rules over Michael Bay with an iron fist.  BOOM!  

What it’s about:
When up-and-coming New York doctor Hank Lawson loses everythin fighting for the life of a patient, he escapes to the Hamptons with his younger brother, Evan. After making a dramatic medical rescue at a party, Hank inadvertently finds himself the Hamptons’ newest on-call doctor.

When it’s on:
Thursdays from 10:00PM – 11:00PM EST on USA. Starts June 4th

Doctor to the rich and famous sounds like one heck of a cushy life.  Something tells me though that Hank is going to find himself in all sorts of sticky situations.  A desperate housewife in need of a “check up,” perhaps?  And I bet she’ll have an aloof, impotent husband who won’t even realize she’s an avid philanderer.  That’s right, just drink another glass of Johnnie Walker, you entrepreneur, you.  See, I know all these things are going to happen yet I still feel compelled to watch.  That’s the magic of television. 

What it’s about:
A new 13-part drama series that updates the story of the infamous sorcerer of Arthurian legend for a new audience in the mythical city of Camelot, in a time before history began.

When it’s on:
Sundays from 8:00PM – 9:00PM EST on NBC. Starts June 21st

Did someone say sorcery?  I’m front and center donning my homemade cloak and wand.  They’ve gotten a little tattered from all the Harry Potter midnight showing lines I’ve slept in, but they still impress all my witches.  OH CLICK!  Or is it “oh snap”…  Anyway, if this show is as half as good as Monty Python and The Holy Grail it’ll be awesome.  And even if it’s not, it’s still time away from my thoughts.   

What it’s about:
A forme high school sports legend turned middle-aged high school basketball coach finds a way to benefit from his biggest asset

When it’s on:
Sundays from 10:00PM – 10:30PM EST on HBO. Starts June 28th

His biggest asset is his penis.  Hey, like The Joker says in The Dark Knight, if you’re good at something never do it for free.  Thomas Jane’s character has his male reproductive organ, and I have my cirrhosis.  I haven’t yet found someone to purchase my dead skin flakes, but I’ve infiltrated a forum on the internet that looks promising.  Those people are into some sick stuff.  Someone has to have a need for skin.    

What it’s about:
Vince and the gang are back for season 6 of the hit HBO comedy that draws on the experiences of industry insiders to illustrate both the heady excesses of today’s celebrity lifestyle, as well as the difficulty of finding love and success in the fast track of show biz.

When it’s on:
Sundays from 10:30PM – 11:00PM EST on HBO. Starts July 18th

I watch this show the same reason everyone watches this show: we all want to be rich and famous.  We all want big houses, fast cars, and large-chested women who flock to us with a flash of our pearly, professionally bleached whites.  Or more specifically, we want a friend who has all those things so we can mooch off of them indefinitely.  Now we’re all kicking ourselves for not befriending the drama nerds in high school so we could be part of their entourage today.  Matthew McConaughey if you’re reading this, I will go to the mall with you after class to play with the puppies at Pass Pets!

— LEN SNODGRASS    

P.S. if Avatar is supposedly so amazing that the people seeing it are literally evacuating their bowels, do you think the sequel will signal the apocalypse?

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