Screen Junkies » Scientology http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Tue, 09 Sep 2014 17:43:03 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Conan Auditions Wives a la Tom Cruise http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/conan-auditions-wives-a-la-tom-cruise/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/conan-auditions-wives-a-la-tom-cruise/#comments Wed, 12 Sep 2012 21:12:32 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=250881 Which is creepier, Scientology or red hair?

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There aren’t that many women who can both strap on your fake-butt AND impersonate Ray Romano. If you find one, she’s a keeper.

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Tom Cruise Has Telekinetic And Telepathic Powers. Allegedly. http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-has-telekinetic-and-telepathic-powers-allegedly/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tom-cruise-has-telekinetic-and-telepathic-powers-allegedly/#comments Wed, 11 Jul 2012 19:29:12 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249693 MIND BULLETS!

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes released a statement asking that their family receive privacy while going through divorce proceedings. Sounds like they have something to hide if you ask me. Could this dirty secret be super powers?

What powers you ask? I dunno how ’bout the power of flight? That do anything for ya? That’s levitation, holmes. How ’bout the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away… with mind bullets!

According to the Daily Mail, yes. Tom Cruise is a Jedi or something.

They’ve run a story that states the Church of Scientology allegedly believes Tom Cruise to have both telekinetic and telepathic powers.

‘OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behaviour of, both animals and human beings.’

Tom, who is understood to be at the advanced stage of OT VII, has practised the religion for 30 years and therefore has allegedly reached a rarefied state of enlightenment after travelling what is known as the Bridge to Total Freedom.

So, Tom Cruise is like those kids in Chronicle? Or John Travolta in Phenomenon? That’s awesome! Still pretty messed up though that he’s not out there fighting crime and stopping tsunamis and shit.

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How Will Scientology Assassinate Katie Holmes? A Screen Junkies How-To http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/how-will-scientology-assassinate-katie-holmes-a-screen-junkies-how-to/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/how-will-scientology-assassinate-katie-holmes-a-screen-junkies-how-to/#comments Tue, 03 Jul 2012 22:43:55 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249508 It's only a matter of time...probably...

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After four days in hiding, Katie Holmes emerged from the New York City apartment early this morning, surrounded by a security detail of gigantic bodyguards. The actress is fearful that Scientology officials are stalking her and may attempt to kidnap her six-year old daughter, Suri, so she isn’t taking any chances in her first public appearance since she filed for divorce from Tom Cruise.

Judging from the photos, Holmes means business. If the Church of Scientology wants to get to Katie, they’re going to have to step up their game. She’s likely hired top-level security, so in order to win this day, Scientology will have to recruit the best of the best. But they can’t go the traditional route. These guys are going to be on the look-out for ninjas and poisoned lattes. What Scientology needs here is someone who can get in and get out without anyone every realizing they were there.

Here are our recommendations.

Mike the Cleaner

As the right-hand man to Breaking Bad’s Gus Fring, Mike the Cleaner has proved time and time again that he is the man for the job. Whether he’s rescuing hostages or cutting the head off the Mexican Cartel, this former cop seperates emotion from the job. Killing is just business. This allows him to maintain a cool and collected demeanor as he works effectively and efficiently. He’s also aided by his ingenuity as he uses unorthodox methods to stay several steps ahead of his marks.

That Queef Monster from Game of Thrones

The biggest problem the Scientologists are now facing is actually accessing Katie. Press is camped out outside her apartment twenty-four hours a day and her security team are highly-decorated. Season two of Game of Thrones showed us the most cunning and effective way of getting behind enemy lines. The plan is actually quite simple. Tom Cruise will need to impregnate a Red Priestess. She will carry the child to term within a day or two and then fart the shadowy demon killer out of her vagina. The abomination will then slink into Holmes’s private tent and kill her where she stands before dissipating into thin air, leaving behind stunned onlookers who will likely shoulder the blame.

This plan does have its drawbacks however. This is powerful magic that Cruise would be affiliating himself with. Far more powerful than any magic the Church of Scientoloy is able to conjure. Would this coax Tom away from his religion? And what weight would these dark dealings bear on his soul? Also, he’d have to touch a girl. Gross.

The Order of Taraka

Employed by both humans and demons, Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s The Order of Taraka can definitely get this difficult job done. This society of feared assassins and bounty hunters are close to unstoppable. But don’t take my word for it. Here’s Rupert Giles weighing in on the subject. “They are masters of deceit. Vampires are bound by the night, but these predators can be anywhere, anytime. They can appear as normal as the next person. Just another face in the crowd. You might not ever know when one of them is near – not until the moment of your death.”

Which makes you think. Katie is going to grant an exclusive interview eventually. Whose to say that the Order doesn’t have assassins embedded at Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood? Nancy O’Dell has always seemed a little too well-polished.

The Mechanic

As far as the Church of Scientology is concerned, Katie Holmes is a problem. Arthur Bishop (aka The Mechanic) is a man who fixes problems.

A master assassin, Bishop is essentially invisible. He specializes in making his hits look like accidents, suicide, or the acts of petty criminals. Or sometimes they will just be disappeared altogether. http://www.businessinsider.com/scientology-leader-david-miscaviges-wife-has-been-missing-since-2006-2012-7

Those Snakes on a Plane Snakes

Well, it’s likely that the Scientologists won’t hide a time-released crate full of snakes on Holmes’s airplane. The movie blew the whistle on that genius plan and now professionals are constantly on the lookout for it. However, they could hide poisonous snakes elsewhere in the hopes of taking out the unsuspecting former Mrs. Cruise. Ventilation ducts, elevator cars, or even in a can of peanuts are all viable places to catch Katie Holmes off guard.

Brother Mouzone

People see the bowtie and the last thing they think is ruthless killer. However, The Wire’s Brother Mouzone is exactly that. Well-mannered and bespectacled, the erudite assassin could easily gain access to high-level events that Holmes might attend, like a Broadway opening or an awards show or a guest slot on The View. The only other assassins capable of gaining access to such events are the Inglorious Bastards. And those guys are like a hundred years old by now.

T-1000

When the future‘s first attempts to kill John Connor failed, they sent back a better killing machine. Although, they probably should have just sent the better killing machine first or back to a time before they sent the original Terminator. I’m not trying to tell a self-aware artificial intelligence system how they should go about overthrowing humanity, but c’mon. If you’re going to actually go to all of the trouble of time travel, might as well do it right.

Anyways, back to Katie Holmes. The T-1000 could easily disguise itself as a member of her security team or a co-star. Better yet, Holmes could get cast in a film also starring Robert Patrick. She’s down to that level in her career by this point, right?

James Van Der Beek

With Don’t Trust the B—- In Apt. 23, James Van Der Beek has proven that he’s willing to trade-in on his image. So, why not sell-out a former co-star? That’s not so far out of the question. Plus, it would grant him access to all of the freedoms that Scientology has to offer. Just imagine, never being publicly referred to as Dawson again. All he has to do is push Holmes back when she inevitably climbs through his window seeking comfort.

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Joaquin Phoenix Might Undo The Past Two Years With Anderson’s Scientology Film http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/joaquin-phoenix-might-undo-the-past-two-years-with-andersons-scientology-film/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/joaquin-phoenix-might-undo-the-past-two-years-with-andersons-scientology-film/#comments Tue, 12 Apr 2011 22:20:38 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=206741 Joaquin Phoenix can play "drunk weirdo" in his sleep, as this picture demonstrates. Maybe his recent behavior was him just prepping.

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Since Megan Ellison gav Paul Thomas Anderson’s Scientology film a new lease on life, there hasn’t been much movement, until now. Variety reports that Joaquin Phoenix is currently in talks to play the alcoholic apprentice, then consigliere, then doubter of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, the leader of a cult-like thing that pretty much exactly represents Scientology.

Since the project is hush-hush at the moment, it’ unknown whether or not this is a lead role, but I’m comfortable assuming it is until I hear otherwise.

I hope these talks pan out, as Phoenix is a gifted actor who has eaten a lot of shit (rightfully so) for the cinematic abortion that was I’m Still Here. This seems to be the perfect vehicle for a turnaround, as P.T. Anderson films have a way of enveloping actors to the exclusion of their off-screen personas (think Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights). Lord knows the past two years have shown us that Phoenix can play drunk.

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9 Celebrities Who Hated Scientology Before It Was Cool http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-celebrities-who-hated-scientology-before-it-was-cool/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/9-celebrities-who-hated-scientology-before-it-was-cool/#comments Tue, 08 Feb 2011 22:30:57 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=25635 After his recent 26-page profile in the New Yorker, Paul Haggis is the new public-face of the anti-Scientology movement. But he’s far from the first celebrity to stick it to Scientology. Let’s take a look at some other famous people who aren’t down with the L. Ron.

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With his recent 26-page profile in the New Yorker Paul Haggis is the new public-face of the anti-Scientology movement. After 34 years with the group, Haggis claims he came to the realization that he was in a cult.

“Everyone could see it. I don’t know why I couldn’t.”

Personally, I don’t find it surprising that the guy who wrote Crash had a hard time deciphering what was going on in the real world. But even so, I commend him for finally figuring out a religion that believes in an alien named Xenu is probably bullshit. Kudos to you, Paul.

And while I give Haggis credit where credit is due, he’s far from the first celebrity to stick it to Scientology. Let’s take a look at some other famous people who aren’t down with the L. Ron.

Elvis Presley

In the book Elvis Aaron Presley: Revelations From The Memphis Mafia, associates claimed the King of Rock’n Roll had a less than favorable impression of Scientology, a fact that is somewhat ironic, considering his daughter went on to become a member. Then again, she also married Michael Jackson, so she’s obviously deranged.

“One day, in LA, we got in the limousine and went down to the Scientology Centre on Sunset, and Elvis went in and talked to them. We waited in the car, but apparently they started doing all these charts and crap for him. Elvis came out and said ‘Fuck those people! There’s no way I’ll ever get involved with that son-of-a-bitchin’ group. All they want is my money.’ Well, Peggy still kept on about it, so Elvis didn’t date her any more. And he stayed away from Scientology like it was a cobra. He’d shit a brick to see how far Lisa Marie’s gotten into it.”

It’s worth noting that Elvis is rumored to have died on a toilet, possibly while shitting a brick. If true, the brick was most likely made up of prescription meds. Given Scientology’s well known stance against psych meds, maybe he would have been better off joining.

Steve Allen

Johnny Carson is remembered as the king of late-night TV. But it’s worth remembering that Steve Allen, the original host of “The Tonight Show,” is the founding father of the modern talk show. It’s also worth remembering that he really had it out for Scientologists.

After Allen’s son became involved with a cult, the humorist became an outspoken critic of many religious organizations, including Scientology. Allen was also actively involved with the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, a group that seeks to discredit pseudo science. As a group that discredits pseudo science, they weren’t exactly well received by a Scientology, an organization that makes its living off of counting peoples “thetens.”

In 1997, Allen wrote an open letter to the Church, eloquently explaining that its bizarre beliefs were not the basis for its negative reputation.

“There are other churches that, in the opinion of non-members, have some truly bizarre beliefs but no one dislikes the individual members as a result of those beliefs. ‘The Mormons are a perfect example. No non-Mormon on Earth accepts a word of Mormon assertions about the experiences of Joseph Smith, visits with angels, golden plates, etc. But despite that fact the Mormons have a very good social reputation. A number of my personal friends are Mormons and they are for the most part lovely and socially decent people. ‘But – again – the same cannot be said of Scientologists. And if I were you it would occur to me to wonder why. So, to save you a little wondering time, I’ll tell you why right now. You have the reputation as just about the worst bullies this side of the National Rifle Association.

Brook Shields

When Tom Cruise publicly criticized Brook Shields for advocating the anti-depressant drug Paxil to fight postpartum depression, Shields did not shy away from a fight. In her reply, she told the world’s most famous Scientologist that he should “stick to fighting aliens” and “and let mothers decide the best way to treat postpartum depression.” Cruise later apologized, and the two became friends, but who cares.

Arthur C. Clarke

You probably know that Scientology was founded by L. Ron Hubbard, and that in his early years, he was a well-known science fiction writer. However, while he may have been respected as a writer, that respect did not always translate to a respect for Scientology, especially among his peers. Nowhere is this more apparent than in this interview with Sir Arthur C. Clarke, author of the science fiction classic, 2001. If Clarke says you’re crazy, you’re crazy. End of story.

Mike Farrell

Mike Farrell, (a.k.a. B.J. Honeycutt on M*A*S*H) became involved with the Cult Awareness Network (CAN) while researching child abuse for a film. While attending a fund raiser for the group, he encountered a group of Scientologists harassing guests. Determined to learn more, he met personally with Reverend Heber Jentzsch, president of the Church Scientology International, and was less than impressed with his exploitation as to why the Church was against CAN.

According to a interview with Premiere Magazine, Farrell began receiving “numerous strange phone calls, one telling him (falsely, as it turned out) that an old friend had died. There have been so many that now when he gets calls after midnight at his home, he answers, ‘Hubbard was crazy.’ Sometimes, he says, there’s a long silence before the caller hangs up.”

Jason Beghe

Before Paul Haggis, Jason Beghe was probably the highest ranking celebrity member to walk away from the Church. He spent 14 years as a spokesman, but now he refers to the religion as “bullshit.” If a guy who has been on “Criminal Minds” is calling something bullshit, it must be pretty bad.

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert, host of “The Colbert Report,” doesn’t shy away from hard hitting topics. He also doesn’t shy away from mocking ridiculous crap like Scientology. If the following clip isn’t enough, take a look at Colbert’s Best Scientology Moments.

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Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Throughout the years, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have used their show, “South Park,” to mock and ridicule pretty much every religion under the sun. Scientology is no exception…well, except for the fact that the religion isn’t exactly “under the sun,” since it comes from a galaxy light-years away, but I digress.

When an episode mocking Scientology’s ridiculous origin story was aired, the Church did not take kindly to being ridiculed. Issac Hayes, a long-time cast member, quit in protest, and Tom Crusie threatened to halt promotion of Mission Impossible III if Comedy Central rebroadcast the episode (Comedy Central was owned by Viacom, which also owned Paramount). Then again, Cruise may have been more upset about his depiction as a closeted homosexual than the mocking of his religion, but I’m willing to bet it was a little bit of both.

Special thanks to Daily Fill and Factnet.org.

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Paul Haggis Goes All ‘South Park’, Takes Big Dump On Scientology http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/paul-haggis-goes-all-south-park-takes-big-dump-on-scientology/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/paul-haggis-goes-all-south-park-takes-big-dump-on-scientology/#comments Tue, 08 Feb 2011 05:12:19 +0000 Geoffrey Golden http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=25471 Director Paul Haggis ('Million Dollar Baby') was a Scientologist and he wants you to know those guys suck.

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Director Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby) was a Scientologist and he wants you to know those guys suck. Ever since leaving the celebricult in October 2009, after being part of Scientology for 35 mind-melting years, he has been very vocal about the science-fiction-ramblings-turned-real-life-religion.

His latest slam is pretty epic. Haggis was the subject of a super-long, 26 page profile by The New Yorker uncovering the troubles with Cruisism. He’s never spoken publicly about his specific troubles with the cult until now. Like when Church officials told Haggis’ wife to “disconnect” from her parents, as if they were connected via an ethernet cable and could easily be reconnected in a second. Haggis officially describes them as a “cult” and claims they trick children into signing billion year contracts via a group called Sea Org. This is not to be confused with “Seaquest,” which only signs dolphins to billion year contracts.

The FBI has recently been investigating Scientology weirdness too, but they need to be careful, or their souls will end up in a volcano or something. (CBS & EW)

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Paul Haggis Is Taunting Scientology http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/paul-haggis-is-taunting-scientology/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/paul-haggis-is-taunting-scientology/#comments Thu, 06 Jan 2011 18:53:33 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=14556 Now that Paul Haggis has his Oscars and Russell Crowe on speed-dial, he won't be needing Scientology anymore. The Crash director is writing a memoir about the shady behind-the-scenes of the religion.

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Now that Paul Haggis has his Oscars and Russell Crowe on speed-dial, he won’t be needing Scientology anymore. The Crash director broke his ties to the religion when a San Diego branch showed support to Prop 8. Now he’s reading to sling mud.

Haggis is teaming up with writer Lawrence Wright to piss off John Travolta with the memoir, “The Heretic of Hollywood: Paul Haggis vs. The Church of Scientology.” The book takes aim at the real L. Ron Hubbard as well as current church head David Mascavige. Naturally, the church will fight against this book, as they are ruthless against dissenters. Oprah had better not even THINK about putting this in her book club. (Gawker)

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The ShamWow Guy has a Movie Trailer http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/the-shamwow-guy-has-a-movie-trailer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/the-shamwow-guy-has-a-movie-trailer/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 You're gonna love my nuts (but probably not my movie). Vince Offer, a.k.a. the ShamWow Guy, made a movie, and we have the trailer. You getting this, camera guy? What's even more surprising is the fact that it isn't his first film. Underground Comedy 2010, which was both written and directed by Offer, is actually a followup to his previous work, Underground Comedy Movie. What the film lacks in the way of an original title it more than makes up for with off-the-wall cameos. Bobby Lee plays a character named Dickman, Michael Clarke Duncan plays a gay virgin, and Lindsay Lohan plays herself in this bizarre, most likely straight to video flick. Last I heard, Offer, a vocal opponent and former member of the Church of Scientology, had been hauled off to jail for punching a hooker in the face (supposedly in self-defense). I'm suprised that he's back, but I'm even more suprised that the Scientologists didn't put the kibosh on his film, considering their reach in Hollywood. Although after watching the trailer, maybe they figured it would do more harm to his career if they simply allowed it to be released. (Cinema Blend) Watch the ShamWow Guy's movie trailer after the jump...

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You’re gonna love my nuts (but probably not my movie).

Vince Offer, a.k.a. the ShamWow Guy, made a movie, and we have the trailer. You getting this, camera guy?

What’s even more surprising is the fact that it isn’t his first film. Underground Comedy 2010, which was both written and directed by Offer, is actually a followup to his previous work, Underground Comedy Movie. What the film lacks in the way of an original title it more than makes up for with off-the-wall cameos. Bobby Lee plays a character named Dickman, Michael Clarke Duncan plays a gay virgin, and Lindsay Lohan plays herself in this bizarre, most likely straight to video flick.

Last I heard, Offer, a vocal opponent and former member of the Church of Scientology, had been hauled off to jail for punching a hooker in the face (supposedly in self-defense). I’m suprised that he’s back, but I’m even more suprised that the Scientologists didn’t put the kibosh on his film, considering their reach in Hollywood. Although after watching the trailer, maybe they figured it would do more harm to his career if they simply allowed it to be released. (Cinema Blend)

Watch the ShamWow Guy’s movie trailer after the jump…

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Paul Haggis Quits Scientology: Who is Next? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/paul-haggis-quits-scientology-who-is-next/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/paul-haggis-quits-scientology-who-is-next/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000  Paul Haggis is best known as the Academy Award-winning writer and director of the 2004's Crash aka the Love Actually: Racist Edition. He's not as well known for his dance moves but trust me, dude does a sick robot. Anyhow, the writer/director/dance-fiend is in the news today because he has decided to end his 35 year relationship with Scientology. Incensed that the San Diego's branch of the Church has supported Propostion 8, the anti-gay marriage ballot, Haggis wrote an angry letter to church spokesman Tommy Davis. Here is an excerpt of the controversial letter:         "Why are you so dumb?" Oops. Sorry I paraphrased. Here's the actually excerpt: “As you know, for ten months now I have been writing to ask you to make a public statement denouncing the actions of the Church of Scientology of San Diego. […] I called and wrote and implored you, as the official spokesman of the church, to condemn their actions. I told you I could not, in good conscience, be a member of an organization where gay-bashing was tolerated. [...] The church’s refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots, hypocrites and homophobes is cowardly. I can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to consent.”Many members of Hollywood were very vocal in their opposition to Prop 8. Will Haggis's leaving the Church inspire others to jump ship or will it inspire Hollywood to turn its back on Paul Haggis? When making your decision please note that unlike Xenu, Haggis doesn't have his own spacecraft. I think he has a Saab or something. [THR]

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Paul Haggis is best known as the Academy Award-winning writer and director of the 2004′s Crash aka the Love Actually: Racist Edition. He’s not as well known for his dance moves but trust me, dude does a sick robot. Anyhow, the writer/director/dance-fiend is in the news today because he has decided to end his 35 year relationship with Scientology. Incensed that the San Diego’s branch of the Church has supported Propostion 8, the anti-gay marriage ballot, Haggis wrote an angry letter to church spokesman Tommy Davis. 

Here is an excerpt of the controversial letter: 

        "Why are you so dumb?"
 

Oops. Sorry I paraphrased. Here’s the actually excerpt: 

“As you know, for ten months now I have been writing to ask you to make a public statement denouncing the actions of the Church of Scientology of San Diego. […] I called and wrote and implored you, as the official spokesman of the church, to condemn their actions. I told you I could not, in good conscience, be a member of an organization where gay-bashing was tolerated. [...] The church’s refusal to denounce the actions of these bigots, hypocrites and homophobes is cowardly. I can think of no other word. Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to consent.”

Many members of Hollywood were very vocal in their opposition to Prop 8. Will Haggis’s leaving the Church inspire others to jump ship or will it inspire Hollywood to turn its back on Paul Haggis? When making your decision please note that unlike Xenu, Haggis doesn’t have his own spacecraft. I think he has a Saab or something. [THR]

 

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