In Carrie Diaries, Robb will play a younger version of Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw while she still lived in the midwest, long before she was cracking penis puns with her unfun friends at brunch.

Though an announcement is yet to be made about her love interest, in the style of Mr. Big, let’s just assume that it’s going to be the kid from the Footloose remake, only his name will be Gunnar, and he’ll work weekends at his dad‘s tractor dealership.

I’m excited already.

In this movie, average people are extremely concerned about the status of the ball in Times Square, low-level city employees are allowed to give impassioned speeches on national television, and men give up three-way sex romps to be with Sarah Jessica Parker. What planet is this supposed to be?

Granted, it’s a romantic comedy, so suspension of disbelief is a must. And to be fair, I’m not a fan of “rom-coms,” especially when they have huge ensemble casts. For example, I hate the movie Love Actually. Even so, at the end of the day, I can get past my own bias and admit that it’s well made, well acted, and succeeds at what it sets out to do (make stupid people gush). New Year’s Eve, on the other hand, has none of those redeeming qualities. It’s insulting on almost every level.

" Hey, Rob. Where do we pick up our checks?"

It’s one thing for a movie to have a boring plot. It’s quite another to have ten boring plots, each more cliche than the next. It wasn’t that hard to keep track of everything, but it was extremely difficult to care. That probably had something to do with the performances. I expect Zac Efron to act like a robot, but what’s Hillary Swank‘s excuse? Oh, right; the script. With dialog this bad, even the best actors wouldn’t stand a chance.

Speaking of which, who does Robert De Niro owe money to? The guy was in The Godfather Part II. He doesn’t have to do this. And then there’s poor Matthew Broderick. I’m assuming he did have to do this as a favor to his wife. His small role was painful to watch, mainly because he seemed to realize how pointless and unnecessary his presence was.

But I’ll give credit where credit is due. First of all, Katherine Heigl deserves an Oscar for her performance. Anyone who can convincingly pretend to be attracted to a 50-year-old botoxed Jon Bon Jovi has some real talent. And Ludacris was friggen outstanding as the random black cop who served no other purpose than explaining Hilary Swank‘s character to the audience. But other than than, it was pretty horrifying. At times, I actually had to look away from the screen. The worst offender might have been Sofia Vergara, who I normally like. Even a gratuitous cleavage shot could not redeem her character. We get it. You’re f*cking foreign and you have an accent. Who gives a shit?

At the end of the day, words really can’t describe how bad this film is, so I’ll sum it up with an animated gif.

However, there are some actors who, for one reason or another, surpass Mr. Allen in the annoying department, in my humble opinion. Let’s take a look at a few who can torpedo a movie with even so much as a cameo.

Jay Leno

Ok. Jay Leno isn’t an actor. But he appears in countless films as himself, a talk-show host who serves as the indicator that a character now exists in the cultural lexicon. His presence has become so clichéd, as have the inevitable bad, one-off joke that his “character” delivers, that I hate to see him in any film. He’s a lumbering bridge between the fictional world and the real world that terminates suspension of disbelief and serves as a reminder that Jay Leno exists and that I just paid $15 to see him in a movie, if only for a second.

Harvey Fierstein

I don’t know what raspy rock this guy climbed out from under, but I wish he would get back to it. Fortunately, he doesn’t make too many appearances these days, so I’m able to largely keep him out of mind. But his turn in Independence Day still haunts me, my only solace being the knowledge that his character got crushed by a flying car. His voice and affectations dominate every scene. His acting is the equivalent of Brad Pitt deciding that he’s going to do every film from now on with a KFC bucket on his head, but way less awesome than that.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Here uber-calm demeanor always has me feeling as though she is conducting an internal monologue. Granted, the heavy-handed narrative of SATC has everything to do with this, but we’re talking about effects here, not causes. She seems superhumanly patient with everything, always speaking with thinly-veiled exasperation that never seem to develop into anything more. And that’s annoying, like being around a person whose default setting is “whiney” when they’re oblivious to it.

Living in Los Angeles, I have been bombarded with this image and commercials on bus stops, buses, and countless other non-bus related avenues:

I find this offensive. Not offensive to men, though it probably is, and not offensive to women, though it probably is offensive to them as well. I find it offensive to people who go through their day-to-day lives without having to congratulate themselves on completing the ordinary tasks that life (business, family, and social) requires.

A few of the things that we’re not expected to know how she does them:

“Make coffee”
“Organize files” (whatever the fuck that means)
“Schedule meeting”
“Lunch”

Also, at the top of the poster “pick up dinner” is listed while the fourth item from the bottom appears to be “make dinner.” And, directly in front of her navel, she needs to “make dinner reservations.” I’m not going to feel sorry for someone who consumes three dinners per day. I’m sorry, I’m just not.

If the movie is to have us believe that she’s so high-powered, the script writers should have educated themselves on an economic concept called opportunity cost. The third item on the list is “fix the leak.” Why is this high-powered businesswoman doing her own plumbing? Either she is really poor, or she is an idiot. Either way, the producers are selling us on a paradox. Gordon Gekko doesn’t mow his lawn because the value of his time is somewhere north of $10,000 per hour. She can outsource some of these tasks. That’s the very reason a lot of people work so hard – so they don’t have to fix leaks.

Going through the balance of the list, you’ll see that SJP’s tasks constitute the most mundane to-do list in history. She’s not special. She’s just like everyone else. Sadly, the producers (or marketing team or whoever) can’t even create this list without redundancies such as “check email,” then a little lower on the list, the hopelessly vague “email.”

To anyone with any semblance of a life, this list isn’t all that daunting or even unfamiliar. So why is she so great, and, more importantly, why can’t we understand how she does it? I would think that if she works hard at the office, then works hard raising her kids, that would suffice in “doing it.”

People who have kids aren’t oblivious to the notion of raising them. SJP didn’t become the court-ordered guardian of two orphans after losing a wager. She had unprotected sex (presumably) on two separate occasions, became aware of her pregnancy at some point thereafter, gestated and birthed them. Which is great. Miracle of life and whatnot.

What is not great is acting like you’re climbing a mountain every day of your life because now you have these children. If I go to the housewares sections of a department store with a baseball bat and destroy all their nice flatware and vases, I forfeit the right to complain about how I don’t have any money because I have to pay for all the stuff I broke. It’s the same principal as the act the producers are pulling in regards to SJP’s character.

Tons of people get through the day without complaining about having to make coffee or check their email. You know what’s hard? Raising kids without a white-collar job. If you can afford a nanny and don’t hire one, but still bitch about how busy you are, you’re not brave. You’re an asshole.

I’ve gone and upset myself with this piece, so there are just a few other items I would like to bring up before I eat my first dinner of the evening.

Look at the other poster:

Love that tagline, “If it were easy, men would do it too.” First of all, it’s implying that men don’t do hard things, like fight in wars or see films like this to please their retarded significant others, which is totally untrue.

Secondly, I’m having a hard time pegging what “it” is, but that’s probably the crux of the film. That oh-so-elusive tightrope walk between parenting, career, and love? I know many successful businessmen who are excellent parents, excellent husbands, AND have mistresses. That’s one more element to juggle and they don’t complain about it. You know what they do? They talk about how great their lives are.

If we are supposed to pity Sarah Jessica Parker’s great career, burgeoning love, and beautiful, healthy children, the filmmakers are aggressively barking up the wrong tree. Her life is great, and pretending it’s not, or that it’s harder than ours, is just stupid and condescending.

Here’s the theatrical trailer. See if you can figure out how the shit she does it.

Because Sarah Jessica played a character that was roughly 78 years old on the HBO version, The Carrie Diaries will begin with Carrie’s senior year in small-town America. “From the big farm to the big apple.”

That’s what a tagline will probably be.

A young (read: 63 or so) Samantha will join Carrie in her small town exploits, but she will be the only one of the NYC guard joining Carrie, which reinforces my theory that Stanford was the result of a secret government experiment to make the perfect homosexual stereotype.

In case you couldn’t have just assumed, the show will be produced by Gossip Girl producers Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage. Original SATC creator Darren Star isn’t attached to the CW version, which means that the show will find a totes new way to be horrible.

I’m sorry I ruined your week. It’s 9:35 AM Monday. I held out as long as I could.

“[I]t follows three couples as they navigate the ups and downs of their lives and deal with the ramifications of their decisions.”

With Parker and Tomei being courted for the movie, that leaves 4 more main characters to be cast, if my analytical supercomputer is to be believed. B.R.U.C.E doesn’t have any idea who they might be though, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see. (via CinemaBlend)

Apparently, Heigl just adopted some poor kid and was looking for a project that wouldn’t require a huge time commitment. New Year’s Eve fits the bill, since as a follow up to Garry Marshall’s surprise hit Valentine’s Day it’s a big ensemble piece. Just a couple pinches of Heigl, as opposed to a whole dish. Dunno why I went with a food metaphor but whatever. New Year’s Eve will also star (deep breath) Robert De Niro, Sofia Vergara, Russell Peters, Hilary Swank, Ice Cube, Ashton Kutcher, Lea Michele, Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Josh Duhamel, Sarah Jessica Parker, Abigail Breslin, Seth Meyers, Jessica Biel and Til Schweiger. (via Deadline)

I Don’t Know How She Does It is the story of Sarah Jessica Parker as a working mom who, judging by the title, wows her peers who just don’t know how she accomplishes all that stuff that looms over 40 year-old women The box office breakdown is expected to be 95% women and 5% sad, broken men. Kinnear will play her husband and Curtin will play Parker’s mom. The film is based on the Allison Pearson novel of the same name.

All those critical of having to hear SJP whine about how hard it is to be a single professional in SATC now get to hear her whine about how hard it is to be a married professional in IDKHSDI. (Don’t expect that acronym to catch on.)(Collider)

I encourage you all to Photoshop some cleavage licking. This is your starter kit. GO!

The Weinstein Co. is off-setting the casting of Sarah Jessica Parker in I Don’t Know How She Does It by jamming this thing full with nerd-crushes.”Mad Men‘s” Christina Hendricks and”The Daily Show‘s” Olivia Munn have agreed to distract the audience in the new romantic comedy.

Hendricks will play a friend of Parker’s who is plagued with back problems. Munn plays a colleague of Parker’s at the financial firm where she is a high-powered career woman who juggles her busy work life with motherhood. To ensure this film achieves total vanillability, Seth Myers, Pierce Brosnan, and Kelsey Grammer have all joined in unspecified roles, though it’s believed Myers will play the character that continually breaks character. (LA Times)

This trailer for Golden Girls Origins Sex and the City 2 has reunited everyone’s favorite assholes and relocated them to the Lipstick Desert. When the plot picks up, the ladies are bored with marriage/kids/cougarism and decide to take a group vacation to Abu Dhabi.

My big question is ‘Why?’ Why would anyone go to Abu Dhabi?? Isn’t that the place where cartoon characters ship their annoying counterparts after convincing them to climb into wooden crates? Oh, you know what. I now see the logic.

Watch the faaabulousssss trailer after the jump…

Sex and the City 2 Premiere Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers