Screen Junkies » ryan seacrest http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Tue, 30 Sep 2014 00:00:47 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Who Will Take Dick Clark’s Title Of World’s Oldest Teenager http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/who-will-take-over-dick-clarks-title-of-worlds-oldest-teenager/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/who-will-take-over-dick-clarks-title-of-worlds-oldest-teenager/#comments Thu, 19 Apr 2012 17:35:28 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=248206 I'm not afraid to tackle the one question on no one's mind.

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America and the world lost 82 year-old Dick Clark yesterday to a heart attack, which means that the title of “the world’s oldest teenager,” is now up for grabs. Clark made a name for himself by bridging generational gaps through American Bandstand and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. The $100,000 Pyramid, not so much.

With Clark’s death, the claim to “world’s oldest teenager” is up in the air, and there is no shortage of celebs to take the title. So, let’s reflect fondly on Clark’s youthful exuberance during all stages of his life, acknowledge his contributions in ushering in a type of music that, without him, would have been marginalized for many more years, seeing off artists as diverse as Buddy Holly, Madonna, and Run DMC. That, my friends, is what we in the industry call “tenure.”

However, tomorrow brings a new day in which many, many, many celebs, deserving and otherwise will attempt to win the hearts and minds of America on their crusade to become the new “world’s oldest teenager.”

Ryan Seacrest

Seacrest has pretty much has followed the Dick Clark playbook since the beginning of his career, establishing footholds in singing competitions, radio programs, and of course, New Year’s Eve specials. It could be argued that this “kid” has been groomed to take Dick Clark’s place for quite some time now. He also looks like a teenager that has suffered an accident in a tanning factory. (Tanning leather, not skin. Actually, wait. Both.)

However, this choice is a little “on the nose.” I feel that the title of World’s Oldest Teenager shouldn’t be something you’re groomed for. It should be something that you effortlessly slide in to. I also don’t think that Ryan Seacrest is the guy that the kids go crazy for. Rather, I think he’s the guy that middle-aged people go crazy for because they think he’s the guy that kids go crazy for. It’s all very complicated, but I’m gonna put him at:

Jonah Hlll

For the past ten years, the now-28-year-old Hill has been playing teenagers, and with the success of both Superbad and the more recent 21 Jump Street adaptation, there’s little sign of him slowing down on this front. I realize that in 21 Jump Street, he was playing a high school graduate who became a cop who became a high school student again, but in my book, that means he actually played TWO teenagers in this film. How long can he keep it up? Probably not long. With the weight loss, Hill is starting to take on a bizarre appearance that I don’t think anyone would ever confuse with “youthful.” He’s got it right now, but looking down the road, I don’t see him existing in this space for very long.

While we’re at it….

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In Honor Of ‘The Dictator’: 7 More Outrageous Sacha Baron Cohen Stunts http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/in-honor-of-the-dictator-7-more-outrageous-sacha-baron-cohen-stunts/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/in-honor-of-the-dictator-7-more-outrageous-sacha-baron-cohen-stunts/#comments Mon, 27 Feb 2012 22:43:50 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=246276 He's such a butterfingers.

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After much staged back and forth, the Academy finally decided to allow Sacha Baron Cohen to show up dressed like that guy from Chromeo. Or, I guess he was actually in costume as his character from The Dictator. He naturally showed up in style with gorgeous women on his arm and a good friend in his hands… the ashes of deceased leader Kim Jong Il.
While discussing the evening with Ryan Seacrest, Baron Cohen’s Dictator took the opportunity to dump the ashes all over Ryan Seacrest.
Seacrest was visibly angry about the incident but should just relax. It could have gone a lot worse. As evidenced by these seven Sacha Baron Cohen stunts.

Eminem at VMAs


Sacha Baron Cohen is no stranger to commandeering awards shows for his public pranks. While promoting Bruno at the 2009 MTV Movie Awards, Cohen soared high above the crowd wearing angel wings and a thong. When his high-wire harness malfunctioned, he fell into the audience. Upside down, his balls landed directly on Slim Shady’s chin. The angry rapper pushed the comedian off of him and stormed out of the ampitheatre.

It was revealed to be a stunt devised with Eminem‘s full participation after Baron Cohen wasn’t later found in the trunk of a car at the bottom of Lake Michigan.

Bruno Interviews Ron Paul



In disguise as the flamboyant television host Bruno, Baron Cohen sat down for an interview with then Presidential candidate Ron Paul. Rather than discussing Paul‘s economic ideas, Bruno tries to seduce the Gentleman from Texas into making a sex tape with him. Even going so far as to drop trou in front of him. Paul storms out of the room shouting, “This guy is a queer!” At first Paul thought he was just acting European.

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7 Characters Who Are More Engineered Than A Kardashian’s Marriage http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/7-characters-who-are-more-engineered-than-kim-kardashians-marriage/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/7-characters-who-are-more-engineered-than-kim-kardashians-marriage/#comments Tue, 01 Nov 2011 18:31:32 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=234575 Well played, Kardashians. Well played.

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When Kim Kardashian announced her engagement to Kris Humphries, we immediately thought it was a publicity stunt. Meanwhile, the dumb girls in my office were proclaiming how happy they were for her, and how they felt that one of their closest friends was getting married. The E! Network saw the profit to be gained and paid Kardashian $17 milllion to air the wedding as a special. As soon as the check cleared, the couple announced they would divorce. This is the most blatant publicity stunt to ever publicity stunt, and a new low for Kim Kardashain who has lived a contrived, manufactured existence ever since she entered the public eye.

In fact, there are few individuals more manufactured than the Kardashian brand, and they’re all fictional. Here they are.

RoboCop – RoboCop

Left for dead by a gang of malicious thugs, Officer Murphy was saved by the cybernetic technology that makes up his body. He’s like 90% robot (despite what the film’s tagline would have you believe), but still longs for the domestic life he was forced to give up. Take a page out of RoboCop‘s book, Kim. He’d kill to have his wife back and here you are queefing all over the sanctity of marriage.

Captain America – Captain America

Born an underweight weakling, Steve Rodgers submitted to a top secret super soldier program that transformed him into the star spangled avenger, Captain America. He must feel foolish after all of the testing and procedures. Turns out he could have raised his profile easily with a leaked sex tape.

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‘American Idol’ Recap: Austin http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/american-idol-recap-austin/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/american-idol-recap-austin/#comments Thu, 03 Feb 2011 17:19:26 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=24366 Highlights included a seven-foot-tall armadillo, a fat guy who looked like a live-action version of Cleveland Brown’s son, and a girl in a Viking outfit (or maybe it was Hermes, but honestly, who cares).

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Last night’s Austin, TX, episode of “American Idol” was my favorite thus far. Up until now, the Wednesday-night showings have been two-hours long. Thankfully, Fox has dropped them down to 60 minutes. While I hated sitting through two-hours of “Idol,” I was continually amazed (from a production standpoint) with the show’s ability stretch 30 minutes worth of material into a 120 minutes of TV. Someone should get an Emmy…followed by a beating.

The episode began with an “apology” from the network in regard to Steven Tyler’s behavior. I assumed it had something to do with the aging rocker’s penchant for underage girls, but in fact, it was for his use of off color language. As it turns out, the whole thing was a “joke,” as the show immediately cut to a scene on the rocker mocking someone for having a name that rhymed with f*ck. Now that’s pushing the envelope.

The Good

J-Lo’s Husband Marc Anthony dropped by for a short homoerotic exchange with Tyler, and then we were treated to the first contestant of the night. Meet Corey Levoy, a nursing student with a high pitched voice who shares a rather paculaiar relationship with his sister. The pair were separated at birth, but reunited as teenagers, and are now “best friends.” I read a similar story about a couple in Germany, but they ended up going to jail for incest. Considering Levoy has a self-proclaimed “J-Lo booty” and chose to sing a Bonnie Raitt song, I doubt we have to worry about about any man-on-woman sex, but still. It was weird.

In a moment that clearly wasn’t staged, the judges asked Levoy’s sister to come up and help judge her brother. That sort of “spontaneity” continued with the next contestant, 17-year-old Hollie Cavanagh, whose first attempt left the judges less than impressed. Luckily for Hollie, she must have been waved through in the pre-screening process, because the judges “randomly” decided to give her a second chance. And wouldn’t you know it, she nailed it! Even Randy, who had already said no, reversed his decision! Hollie celebrated with her family, and a bunch of fat housewives watching at home felt good about life for a while.

It must have been family night on the show, because the judges felt the need to bring the next contestant’s parents into the audition room. John Wayne Shultz (who made it through) is a real-life, honest-to-goodness shit-kicking cowboy. Yawn. But on the plus side, his father basically called Ryan Seacrest a pussy on national television, so that was cool.

Then there was Courtney Penry. She had a sick fascination with Ryan Seacrest, calling him the sexiest man alive. She went on to make a fool of herself, impersonating a chicken and acting like an all around asshole. I wanted to hate her. I tried to hate her. But god damn it, I just couldn’t hate her. I think that says more about the carppyness of the other contestants than it does about her.

Jacqueline Dunford and Nick Fink, a young couple from Arizona, auditioned together. Their constant PDAs were nauseating, but it was clearly being encouraged by the producers, so maybe in real life, the couple isn’t that disgusting. As it just so happens, Jacqueline is really fun to look at, especially from behind, so I guess it wasn’t a total waste. Good for Nick. Also, they can both sing, which is a plus.

At the end of the episode, a guy name Casey Abrams came on and sang really well, but by that point, the Vicodin was kicking in pretty hard, so I kind of zoned out. I remember something about a mini-keyboard and a beard, but that’s about it. At any rate, he made it.

The Bad

Rodolfo Ochoa, dark-skinned guy with bright-green hair tried to belt out “The Circle of Life” and was quickly dismissed. This was followed by a montage of off-key cowboys who didn’t make the cut. However, one cowpoke felt the need to point out that he was “completely and utterly heterosexual” for no apparent reason. On the one hand, it’s 2011, so who gives a sh*t? On the other, only steers and queers come from Texas, so I guess I understand why why people might assume. But if he’s really worried about being perceived as gay, he needs to drop the cowboy hat. Also, he shouldn’t have tried out for “American Idol.”

Other rejects included a seven-foot-tall armadillo, a fat guy who looked like a live-action version of Cleveland Brown’s son, and a girl in a Viking outfit (or maybe it was Hermes, but honestly, who cares). Overall, it was pretty uneventful, although when the girl in the armadillo outfit left, she had to shuffle away sadly while wearing the armadillo feet. It was hilariously pathetic, and was reminiscent of David Brent getting fired on the British version of “The Office.”

The Judges

I’m supposed to write something here, but honestly, there’s nothing to report. Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez might as well have stayed home, since they contributed nothing. Randy Jackson is still the only one who isn’t afraid to mock the contestants, but unfortunately, his comments are about as witty as…f*ck! I was trying to think of something witty to write, but I blanked. Maybe I need to give Randy break.

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‘American Idol’ Recap: Milwaukee http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/american-idol-recap-milwaukee/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/american-idol-recap-milwaukee/#comments Thu, 27 Jan 2011 09:15:34 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=22678 Milwaukee native and former Idol contestant Danny Gokey was on hand to give false hope to delusional contestants. And if you’re looking for delusional people, a Rustbelt city like Milwaukee does not disappoint.

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This week, “American Idol” traveled to Milwaukee, WI, for yet another painfully drawn out installment. Sweet baby Jesus, why does Fox insist on making this show last for two-hours? More importantly, who actually enjoys watching for that long? I’m literally being paid to sit through this crap, and I’m almost ready to quit. The fact that millions of people willing partake in this torture is beyond my comprehension.

The show began with Steven Tyler laying down a beat for Randy Jackson, while Jackson tried to guess which Aerosmith song he was suppose to sing. Was it “Love in an Elevator?” Was it “Sweet Emotion?” Was I supposed to give a shit?

Speaking of not giving a shit, Milwaukee native and former Idol contestant Danny Gokey was on hand to give false hope to delusional contestants. And if you’re looking for delusional people, a Rustbelt city like Milwaukee does not disappoint.

A prime example was Joe Repka, a Communication major from the University of Toledo. It’s not surprising that someone who thinks majoring in Communication is a good idea is also under the mistaken impression that he can sing. Throw a Billy Joel song into the mix, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a train wreck.

But Repka wasn’t the only one to have his fantasy world destroyed. Iowa native Cody Zalewski was quickly rejected after butchering a Lady Gaga song, proving once again that if you’re a straight guy, you have no business singing Lady Gaga. Then again, Kamil Anthony seemed pretty gay, and his version of “Paparazzi” might have been worse, so who knows? What I do know is my favorite contestant of the night was Juanita Borges, mainly because of her revealing outfit. If Princess Leia and Jabba the Hut had a love child, this was it. Don’t get me wrong; if I saw her walking down the street in normal clothes, I’m sure she’d look fine. But she wasn’t on the street in normal clothes. She was on my television dressed like an intergalactic space whore from the future. But if Borges was a chilling vision of the future, Nathanial Jones was a disturbing look into the past; specifically, the mid-19th century.

You see, Jones is a hippie-hating, sex-fearing Civil War reenactor, and he felt showing up in a Union Army uniform would give him the edge he needed. In keeping with the Civil War theme, he decided to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” In Civil War times, the “Lion” was often used as a metaphor for Canada, which was still a British colony (the Lion being the symbol for England). Runaway slaves hoped to “shake the Lion’s paw” by crossing the border to freedom. That’s why you picked the song, right Nathanial? Just say yes, or you’re going to seem like an even bigger asshole than the dentist (Chris Kammer) who showed up with a giant toothbrush, or the fat woman (Vernika Patterson) who accused the judges of dismissing her because she was too fat. Patterson repeatedly stressed that she could sing better than half of the other contestants. That may be true (it‘s not), but only about 1% make it through, so signing better than half really doesn’t mean shit. Better luck next time, fatty.

But enough about the losers who didn’t make it. Let’s talk about the losers who did. Naima Adedapo’s day job is cleaning toilets. That will come in handy now that the judges gave her a ticket to the biggest toilet in the world: Hollywood. Jerome Bell, a big black dude who usually sings bar mitzvahs, also moved on to the next round, which is good, because he’s one of the few contestants I don’t want to hit with an axe.

Then there’s Scotty McCreeery, an all-American country boy, and Molly Swenson, a Harvard grad and current Whitehouse intern. Both had wonderful voices. Both seemed like genuinely nice people. And both made me sick. Speaking of making me sick, another successful contestant was named Tiwan Strong. If you’re going to name your kid after something in an atlas, at least spell it right. It’s Taiwan, for Christ’s sake. Taiwan!

Also, several 15-year olds made it through, and Ryan Seacrest made a point of telling viewers that the minimum age had been lowered due to the staggering success of Justin Bieber. Now you have another reason to hate that little prick.

One of the 15-year olds was Emma Henry, who was thoroughly eye-f*cked by Steven Tyler as soon as she walked out. Tyler went on to say that he liked Henry because she had something he couldn’t put his finger on. I’m assuming that “something” was her underage vagina. Aside from gawking at young girls, Tyler alienated viewers by randomly trying to sing high notes he can no longer pull off, dressing like an asshole, and making lame jokes, some of which involved f*cking animals. Keep ‘em coming, Steve.

But perhaps the most important part of the show wasn’t about singing it all. It was an extremely emotional event that made even a cynic like myself sit up and take notice. Of course, I’m talking about seeing Jennifer Lopez dressed up in a poodle skit and treble clef blouse. I haven’t found her the least bit attractive in years, but that 50’s look really did it for me. Nice job, J-Lo. It’s nice to see someone at your age overcoming adversity. You’ve restored my hope in humanity.

Oh, also, some poor guy from Chicago (Chirs Medina) sang a song for his recently disabled fiancée. That was pretty emotional, too. It made me feel bad about the time I got mad at my girlfriend for gaining ten pounds. I’d be OK with him winning. In fact, just make him the winner now, so I don’t have to watch any more of this crap.

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What Will Happen On ‘American Idol’ Tonight http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/a-probable-timeline-for-tonights-american-idol-premiere/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/a-probable-timeline-for-tonights-american-idol-premiere/#comments Wed, 19 Jan 2011 17:28:09 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=17765 If I'm going to be forced to watch, I might as well make some predictions. If any of them come true, I’ll look like a genius. If not, no one will give a damn. So here's my timeline of what you'll see during tonight's broadcast.

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Tonight, “American Idol” will begin its tenth season, and for the first time, the show will be without Simon Cowell. Considering Cowell was the only thing remotely entertaining about the show, this poses a major problem for Fox. In order to make up for his absence, the network has brought in Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) and Jennifer Lopez (Gili). That’s the equivalent of replacing Howard Stern with two old bags from “The View.”

Steven Tyler is a washed-up sell out who looks like Joan Rivers, but at least he has some musical talent. Unless J-Lo advises the contestants to grow a sexier ass or sleep with a record producer, I really don’t know what she brings to the table. Normally, I wouldn’t bother to tune in and find out. But considering my editor is a total dick, I’ll probably get tasked with watching an entire season of this trash.

If I’m going to be forced to watch, I might as well make some predictions. If any of them come true, I’ll look like a genius. If not, no one will give a damn. So here’s my time line of what you’ll see during tonight’s broadcast.

:20 – Seacrest gives the intro. He looks about as pimped out as Kanye West, if Kanye West was white and liked dudes.

1:01 - First Coca Cola product placement.

2:14 – Since the show begins in New York/New Jersey, the rest of us will be forced to endure yet another painfully cheesy montage of NYC in which its inhabitants will act superior and pretend that their city doesn’t constantly smell like garbage. This montage will also feature the first Ford product placement.

4:00 – There will be a short intro for the new judges, Steven Tyler and Jeniffer Lopez, during which they will both list their reasons for wanting to be on the show. Waning popularity and greed will not be cited.

7:42 – Let the judging begin. A delusional contestant who has no business being anywhere near a microphone will be waved through to the judges’ table so you can get your kicks from watching them fail. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

15:49 – Steven Tyler will regale a contestant with a crazy rock-and-roll story about touring with KISS. However, he’ll make no mention of working on the Rugrats Go Wild soundtrack.

20:00 – An obvious in-show commercial for Ford will end, and the producers will break for an actual Ford commercial.

26:17 – In a touching moment, a contestant suffering from Lou Gehrig’s disease will sing “Memory” from Cats. J-Lo will cry, and the contestant will move on to the next round.

31:00 - A girl with an awful voice and an amazing set of tits will butcher a Katy Perry song (if that’s possible). Despite her awful singing, both Randy and Steven will “see something in her,” (probabl buried in her cleavage) and she will make it to the next round. Jennifer Lopez will feel threatened, but remain silent.

37:00 – After thoroughly eye-f*cking a young female contestant, Steven Tyler will offhandedly remark that she reminds him of his daughter, Liv. She’ll move on to the next round.

42:23 – Some douchebag from a local improv group will come in and act like the worst singer in the world. The judges will know he’s faking, the audience will know he’s faking, and the next day, the “prank” will be “exposed” on the Internet.

48:44 – After dismissing a horrible contestant, said contestant will become agitated, and curse out the judges. The judges will become frightened, and security will step in. The camera will follow the contestant out to the parking lot, where he will launch into a tirade that ends with him attacking the camera man while yelling “shut it off.”

1:03:00 – A young girl with an OK voice will sing a passionless song. The judges will all agree that she has talent, but she’s not good enough to head on to the next round. She will cry, and Ryan Seacrest will do his best to feign sympathy while catching every tear on camera.

1:19:00 – Randy will use the word “Dawg” for the 25th time.

1:21:00 – A winner from a previous year will drop by “unexpectedly.” You won’t remember their name until it is flashed on the bottom of the screen.

1:34:00 – An old black dude or an immigrant with limited English comprehension will sing a song that is now only played at weddings when everyone is sufficiently drunk.

1:50:00 – Just when all hope is lost, and the judges are ready to give up, a shy contestant with an amazing voice will walk through the door and blow the judges away.

1:59:00 – Seacrest and the judges will all drink Coke as they pile into their 2011 Ford Festiva and head for the airport.

2:01:00 – You will feel dirty for having wasted yet another two hours of your ever-shortening life.

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