The Lincoln Lawyer is a perfectly average legal drama. I trust that the book is exactly like this, totally programmed to hit standard beats in the plot. It’ll serve its purpose in theaters just like a paperback novel does.

Michael Haller (Matthew McConaughey) is a lawyer working out of his car, a Lincoln Continental. He’s so slick and smooth talking, he gets a judge to give him an extension while he waits for a client to extend his retainer. Then he goads the client for money for an expert witness, when he really already has the witness in hand.

You learn just enough about Haller to like him, which is the standard cliché. He takes care of his chauffeur, keeping him employed even after he got his own driver’s license back. He has a daughter with prosecutor Maggie (Marisa Tomei), and the only reason they broke up is because they’re on different sides of the court.

The real case is Louis Roulet (Ryan Phillipe), a rich boy accused of beating lady of the night Reggie Campo (Margarita Levieva). Louis is hard to like because he’s so privileged and frequently uses an ignorant epithet for gays. Of course, the case isn’t simply he said/she said so Haller’s values are tested.

The point of the movie is to take Haller from a guy so smooth he doesn’t even need an office to a haggard, disheveled wreck. In the beginning, he manipulates the media and the D.A. but Louis really turns the tables on Haller. If you want to see McConaughey sweat, this is the movie for you.

Haller still does a good job for Louis. He baits prosecutor Ted Minton (Josh Lucas) into revealing an attack on Louis’ mother, so the jury ends up sympathizing. We knew about the attack but how it comes up in trial is skillful lawyering. Also Lucas and McConaughey engage in a drawl off.

The plot is smug and contrived. Everything works out neatly but the film moves through the plot briskly. The courtroom scenes really have no personality. There’s no political agenda or flair like on “Boston Legal.” Even the one-liners like Corliss the snitch’s (Shea Whigham) comments on the stand or Val Valenzuela’s (John Leguizamo) research comments are not funny. The audience sort of laughs because it’s the right time, but they’re not funny.

I thin The Lincoln Lawyer should represent the Fast and the Furious gang. He’s on the road, they’re on the run, can he get them out of trouble? That’s a movie I would see.

McConaughey gets the case of his career when he’s hired to clear Ryan Phillippe after he’s been accused of imitating Charlie Sheen. However, as McConaughey learns, the golden boy isn’t as innocent as he seems. I love how the courtroom scene will undoubtedly play out.

McConaughey: “You need to confess.”

Phillippe: “No.”

McConaughey: “It would be a lot cooler if you did.”

Judge: “Case closed.”

Bailiff cues up Rupert Holmes song and everyone parties in the court room.

FADE TO CREDITS

The film has a pretty diverse cast: McConaughey, Marisa Tomei, Ryan Phillippe, William H. Macy, Michael Pena, Margarita Levieva, and most notably Josh Lucas. What was Brad Furman thinking when he cast McConaughey and Lucas against each other? Doesn’t he know that they can’t be in the same place at the same time? A) it confuses the baby, and B) if they touch, the universe will fold in on itself.

If movies and television have taught us anything, it’s that our girlfriends will be immediately railed by cheesy Eurotrash douche-wads moments after w break up with them. That’s just science. You can’t fight it.

Last night’s hilarious SNL Digital Short takes aim at this trope by having Andy Samberg don the flaxen tresses of Viggo the Carpathian and ruin host Ryan Phillipe‘s life. One bowl of cereal at a time.

Another red-band trailer for MacGruber has arrived online for you kids to enjoy. Though this peek lacks boobs and butts, it does manage to explode in your face with potty mouth and murder. And if the thought of that arouses you in anyway, you and I have very different definitions of "potty mouth."

All in all, I’m getting really excited to see this movie. It’s a far better love letter to ‘80′s action than The A-Team seems to be. Between all the looks we’ve been given at the racier materials, I expect to laugh long and hard. Just like that time that old guy fell off his bike while I was driving by. Hahahaha. So old.

What’s the deal with celery? After the jump.

MacGruber Red Band Trailer 2 – Watch more Movie Trailers

^{Why does this exist?}

It really seems like the casting for The First Avenger: Captain America is going poorly. The bland shortlist comprised of Chris Evans, Garrett Hedlund, Mike Vogel, and Wilson Bethel has reportedly grown longer and more bland. Today there’s word that MacGruber‘s Ryan Phillippe is in the running for the role. Considering Phillippe is 35 years old, he’s easily a decade older than the other applicants. It would be a stretch to cast him as a young Steve Rogers, even with his boyish good looks and pouty lips. **splashes face with water, snaps out of it and cancels GQ subscription**

Look, I understand that Captain America should be American, but all of our guys suck. In the interest of never having to write about this subject again, can we please just cast an Australian? Or if that won’t work, how about a Canadian? That could be a workable solution as long as their eyes aren’t too close together. (HitFix)