While the final screenplay is months away, we found the following rough treatment, supposedly written by Marshall and Fugate, on the Internet. Is it real? We think so. Take a look and decide for yourself.

Hilary Swank plays Nikki Foster, the blushing bride. This is a day she has dreamed of forever (as told through sepia-toned flashbacks to when she was a kid and playing with Barbies in her room, creating wedding scenarios with various other toys. The husband toy is a Ninja Turtle, but which turtle remains to be determined.)

Her groom is Howard (Howie) Sharts, played by Ashton Kutcher. Howie loves Nikki, but is having issues with the idea that he will be off the market. As told in sepia-toned flashbacks, Howie has always had it easy when getting ladies, even going as far as kissing his third-grade math teacher! He jokes about having feelings for that teacher still. YOU’LL SEE!

Nikki’s Maid-of-Honor is played by Selena Gomez, a young intern at the talent agency she manages. She’s zany and out there, but loving. But, she is worried Nikki isn’t going to get her dream wedding because of their family.

The family is so crazy!

Foster’s parents are played by Marshall and a famous old lady, hopefully Meryl Streep. If not her, then Fergie and we’ll just add some young-bride jokes. It’ll be hilarious. We might just do that. Anyway, they’re uber religious which is upsetting to the Sharts: Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino! They are a fun-loving old gay couple. Will their alternative lifestyle ruin the wedding? WHO KNOWS! (We do, but we’re holding it in.)

The Best Man is none other than Justin Bieber. He is going to this wedding in full hook-up mode. (Do you see a Bieber/Gomez duet at the reception? BECAUSE WE DO! Ahhhhhhh-dorable.)

Nikki’s boss, Barry Face, is also thinking of attending. He is played by Axel Rose. He doesn’t know if he wants to attend because he’s had feelings for Nikki in the past. Nikki has even thought about going along with those feelings, but stops due to her love for Howie. Barry’s wife is played by Queen Latifah. She is a crazy lady who is always trying to raise the roof. It’ll be hilarious. (GARY MARSHALL’S NOTE: I like how she is black but not too black, you know?)

Nikki’s old high school BFF is also attending. This is Rachel, played by Jessica Biel. She wanted to fly but due to her husband’s fear of flying, cannot. They have to roadtrip it across country. And who is her husband? Kanye West! They have fun along the way, but also have hard times and stuff. Do they make it? Who knows? Do they come back together at the end when Latifah joins the Bieber/Gomez duet? Wink!

Shart’s friends are also coming! His buddy from college, Dillon Dong (that name will always be funny!) played by Jamie Foxx, is super excited to make it. But he’s worried about his wife’s condition. She is pregnant, not with one kid, BUT WITH SEVEN! (GARY MARSHALL’S NOTE: That’s a lot of oreos!) The wife is played by Abigail Breslin

The florist of the wedding is crazy! This part is played by Katherine Heigl. You guys, she’s really crazy. Like, she gets all upset when things aren’t correct. She’s always worried about the weather that day, trying to always get the most up-to-date news from Kris Humphries, the local TV Weather Man! He is really laid back and just loves clouds. They have a hateful relationship, but as you know, a flower can grow from “Dung.” HAHAHAHA. (GARY MARSHALL’S NOTE: HAHAHA).

The rest of Nikki’s wedding party is played by the girls from Glee. Will they sing? You never know! (GARY MARSHALL’S NOTE: Yes.)

Sharts’ wedding party isn’t as big. Just his best man and Kyle Hurffs, played by Taylor Lautner. Kyle is shy and reserved. He is always looking for love in all the wrong places. He wonders if maybe the love of his life will be at the wedding.

And maybe it is, as Lilly Collins, played by Kathy Bates.

Meanwhile, the priest for the wedding is doubting his faith. Father Patrick McIrishname, played by George Lopez, is wondering if God even exists. This worries Sharts, who is wondering if love exists! How can they help each other?

They can help each other by talking to a Jewish Rabbi played by Ludacris! Luda is a Jew with a smooth attitude (GARY MARSHALL’S NOTE: Have him do a dance at the wedding called the Dreidel Cradle, where he sticks his legs out, jumps, and spins.)

Then there are the caterers! Sammy and Danny, played by Lady Gaga and Andy Serkis (who will actually be CGI in the movie, done through motion capture technology by Andy Serkis). They are always fighting about what kind of food to make. Sammy wants crazy! Danny wants elegant. These two really hate each other. But will they f*ck? Nope, they’re siblings! Crazy, right?

Everyone makes it to the wedding. It’s five minutes until Sharts is suppose to go to the alter, but something happens: his third-grade math teacher Mr. Taints played by Rip Torn! Sharts doesn’t know if he wants to have a gay life with him, or a straight life with Nikki. He is torn inside. That’s when Father McIrishname enters and tells Sharts that he needs to follow his heart.

Sharts thinks about it, gives his Mr. Taints a hug and says, “Sorry. But my love for Nikki can’t be subtracted.” Father McIrishname then sees Jesus giving him a thumbs up from the alter. Jesus is to be played by Tim Allen.

Then they get married and everyone is happy. Also, Breslin’s babies are delivered on the dance floor and the movie ends with everyone sliding around, laughing and having fun.

In this movie, average people are extremely concerned about the status of the ball in Times Square, low-level city employees are allowed to give impassioned speeches on national television, and men give up three-way sex romps to be with Sarah Jessica Parker. What planet is this supposed to be?

Granted, it’s a romantic comedy, so suspension of disbelief is a must. And to be fair, I’m not a fan of “rom-coms,” especially when they have huge ensemble casts. For example, I hate the movie Love Actually. Even so, at the end of the day, I can get past my own bias and admit that it’s well made, well acted, and succeeds at what it sets out to do (make stupid people gush). New Year’s Eve, on the other hand, has none of those redeeming qualities. It’s insulting on almost every level.

" Hey, Rob. Where do we pick up our checks?"

It’s one thing for a movie to have a boring plot. It’s quite another to have ten boring plots, each more cliche than the next. It wasn’t that hard to keep track of everything, but it was extremely difficult to care. That probably had something to do with the performances. I expect Zac Efron to act like a robot, but what’s Hillary Swank‘s excuse? Oh, right; the script. With dialog this bad, even the best actors wouldn’t stand a chance.

Speaking of which, who does Robert De Niro owe money to? The guy was in The Godfather Part II. He doesn’t have to do this. And then there’s poor Matthew Broderick. I’m assuming he did have to do this as a favor to his wife. His small role was painful to watch, mainly because he seemed to realize how pointless and unnecessary his presence was.

But I’ll give credit where credit is due. First of all, Katherine Heigl deserves an Oscar for her performance. Anyone who can convincingly pretend to be attracted to a 50-year-old botoxed Jon Bon Jovi has some real talent. And Ludacris was friggen outstanding as the random black cop who served no other purpose than explaining Hilary Swank‘s character to the audience. But other than than, it was pretty horrifying. At times, I actually had to look away from the screen. The worst offender might have been Sofia Vergara, who I normally like. Even a gratuitous cleavage shot could not redeem her character. We get it. You’re f*cking foreign and you have an accent. Who gives a shit?

At the end of the day, words really can’t describe how bad this film is, so I’ll sum it up with an animated gif.