Just when you think you know a guy. Shakespeare is lucky Oprah is off the air. Otherwise, he’d be getting a very public talking-to.

Right now we know that a film called Singularity will be released on May 17th, 2013 and that it will be Emmerich’s return to science fiction. The director took a detour from his normal body of work with the Shakespeare conspiracy thriller Anonymous but is apparently ready to blow up recognizable buildings again. Let’s admit it. Frank Gehry has had it coming to him for awhile now. (Deadline)

7 photosEmmy Rossum

I only hope that these space colonies have some distinctive landmarks. Otherwise, what’s the point, man? (Vulture)

The song in the trailer is “Everything in its Right Place” off of Radiohead’s Kid A, in case you’re like me and have trouble differentiating between tracks on Kid A. Hey, have you heard my conspiracy theory that Radiohead didn’t really write and record any of their songs? Check my blog for the real truth – and Mr. Emmerich, I think it could make a great movie.

We’ve reported on Bad Teacher, 30 Minutes Or Less, and Anonymous before. But now we have first looks and better descriptions of the doings that transpire on-screen. Check it.

ANONYMOUS

Set in the political snake-pit of Elizabethan England, Anonymous speculates on an issue that has for centuries intrigued academics and brilliant minds ranging from Mark Twain and Charles Dickens to Henry James and Sigmund Freud, namely:  who was the author of the plays credited to William Shakespeare?  Experts have debated, books have been written, and scholars have devoted their lives to protecting or debunking theories surrounding the authorship of the most renowned works in English literature.  Anonymous poses one possible answer, focusing on a time when cloak-and-dagger political intrigue, illicit romances in the Royal Court, and the schemes of greedy nobles hungry for the power of the throne were exposed in the most unlikely of places: the London stage.

You should also note that this drama is directed by Roland “ID4″ Emmerich. The Globe Theatre is so f*cked.

BAD TEACHER

Some teachers just don’t give an F. For example, there’s Elizabeth (Cameron Diaz).  She’s foul-mouthed, ruthless, and inappropriate.  She drinks, she gets high, and she can’t wait to marry her meal ticket and get out of her bogus day job.  When she’s dumped by her fiancé, she sets her plan in motion to win over a rich, handsome substitute (Justin Timberlake) – competing for his affections with an overly energetic colleague, Amy (Lucy Punch).  When Elizabeth also finds hersel fighting off the advances of a sarcastic, irreverent gym teacher (Jason Segel), the consequences of her wild and outrageous schemes give her students, her coworkers, and even herself an education like no other.

Drinking and drugs? I guess it’s no big deal as long as she’s not the Driver’s Ed teacher.

30 MINUTES OR LESS

In the action-comedy 30 Minutes or Less, Nick (Jesse Eisenberg) is a small town pizza delivery guy whose mundane life collides with the big plans of two wanna-be criminal masterminds (Danny McBride and Nick Swardson).  The volatile duo kidnaps Nick and forces him to rob a bank.  With mere hours to pull off the impossible task, Nick enlists the help of his ex-best friend, Chet (Aziz Ansari).  As the clock ticks, the two must deal with the police, hired assassins, flamethrowers, and their own tumultuous relationship.

I see the major plot hole already. When it turns into a hostage situation, they’ll undoubtedly call out for pizza. Well, who’s gonna deliver it? That’s how you end up with dead hostages, my friend. (via Collider)

"A little privacy while I fill this."

Faced with the challenge of not being able to decimate any landmarks has given Roland Emmerich cold feet. It came as a surprise when the Independence Day and 2012 director signed on the direct the low-budget, “found footage” alien invasion flick The Zone, given the ginormous budgets with which he’s used to working.

Shooting was slated to begin next week but now the plug has abruptly been pulled when the director’s camp commented, “This is not a project (Emmerich) is pursuing at this time.” Of course, Timur Bekmambetov‘s plans to release the similar “found footage” alien tale, Apollo 18, just a few weeks before The Zone‘s slated release date doesn’t help matters. That, and I’ve heard that the creator of The Zone Diet is really well lawyered up. (THR)

_{He comes in peace.}

And here you thought Roland Emmerich couldn’t settle for anything less than epic. The director, who in Independence Day and 2012 destroyed the land we love so much, is prepping The Zone, and alien invasion movie he’ll make with a $5 million budget. No plot details are known but it will take the "found footage" approach and be improv-based with a cast of relative unknowns, much like Cloverfield and Paranormal Activity.

Shooting begins in mid-November off a script by French writer-director Guillaume Tunzini. Considering the budget for The Zone is what Emmerich usually spends on his craft services strudel supply, it’ll be interesting to see what he cranks out. No demolishing famous landmarks this time around. The best he’ll get is a modest ranch home with not too much surrounding land to scorch. (THR)

Director Roland Emmerich wants Will Smith to be president. Luckily, he’s a kraut, so he can’t vote in our bad-ass American elections. However, there’s nothing stopping him from making Will Smith president in the magical world of make believe.

MTV is now reporting that Emmerich was so inspired by the election of Barack Obama that he will cast Will Smith as the president in the planned sequels to his 1996 blockbuster, Independence Day….cause he’s black, I guess. This brings up an interesting question. If McCain had won, would Randy Quaid’s character, a deranged fighter pilot who was once held prisoner by aliens, be the president instead? If so, I’d like to go back and changed my vote. Sorry, Cynthia McKinney. (Cinema Blend)

_{The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and DJ Jazzy Jeff before a show on the mothership.}

Back in November we reported that Roland Emmerich wanted to do two Independence Day sequels back-to-back. We laughed at the idea and made fun of his German accent as we reenacted his interview to MTV, but now we might have to wipe a whole lotta sauerkraut off our faces because Will Smith bitch-slapped us with his recent attachment to the projects.

According to IESB, Smith is on board for both sequels, possibly titled ID4-Ever Part I and Part II, a delicious pun that I hope never changes. Emmerich stated in the previous interview that the story would again be set on Earth, and the reason for two movies is that he wants "to do a bigger story arc." If I had it my way, Part II would consist entirely of Bill Pullman shooting confused looks at the rest of the ensemble cast and then delivering one ridiculously long-winded monologue before ACTUAL Randy Quaid flies off in a jet to fight aliens. Now if we can somehow invent the technology to scoop images directly out of Randy’s brain they wouldn’t have to shoot even a single frame. It’s practically the only thing the man thinks about these days.

^{Honka. Honka.}

Crazy landmark-destruction fetishist Roland Emmerich wants to return to his earlier hit Independence Day for not one, but TWO sequels. So that’s at least $24 I’ll be saving by staying the f*ck home.

Emmerich tells MTV that they don’t have a script but they do have an idea. But it’s really two ideas because they want the story to be told over the course of two really bad movies. And of course he wants to title them both ID4-Ever. Though he wasn’t forthcoming with plot details (who needs one really?), let’s put on our retard caps and try to figure it out for ourselves. Here’s the entire films in a nutshell.

WILL SMITH: "Hey! You Independence Day aliens quit blowing up the White House. We just rebuilt it. That’s a direct order from President Will Smith!! Cuz I’m President now!!! Aw hell naw!!! You’re not half as friendly as the Scientology aliens!"

(MTV)

Looks like Roland Emmerich is at it again. Of course, if you watch cable news like I do, the end of the world certainly looks inevitable. Perhaps Mr. Emmerich will be taken more seriously when he’s called a Documentarian. 

At least that seems like a better title than "Prophet of Doom." Either way, he loves coming up with ways to destroy crap. But, in the interest of science, let’s take a closer look at the potential ends of the world, as described by Nostradamus Roland Emmerich:

Today’s Marquee Links

"I’m On A Boat" Celebration (Video)

Sweet Apple Art

Venom Helmet

Ashley Greene

Mandy B.

Throughout his film career, director Roland Emmerich has laid waste to several landmarks and institutions — the White House (twice), the Pentagon, New York City, the Golden Gate Bridge, and John Cusack’s credibility. In his new film 2012, he smashes and shakes historic sites across the globe to rubble. But we’ve finally found a building impervious to his computer-generated destruction. In an early draft of the script, Emmerich was planning to level the Kaaba, one of Islam’s holiest sites. He pussied out when his cowriter mentioned that inclusion of the scene would more than likely lead to a fatwa on their heads (first of all, grow some balls and secondly, this movie had a writer?). Naturally the disaster-meister opted to eradicate the Vatican and a group of Buddhist monks instead.

When asked whether he feared any kind of retaliation for the script change, Emmerich asked, "What are you gonna do about it, Buddhists? Huh? You gonna cry? Buddhists gonna cry? Huh? Huh? Huh?" (Cinema Blend)

Roland Emmerich and Michael Bay should have an explosion war.  Both of them get a sick kick out of blowing up monuments, landmarks, and national treasures.  In fact, they even blow up the same icons in several different movies.  Why not just go back in time and punch Betsey Ross in the kidney while she’s sewing the stars and stripes on the American Flag?  Or better yet, have the Red Coats crash a tidal wave down on top of her. Maybe Emmerich can work that into a redux of the The Patriot.  Until then, we can watch John Cusack and a motley cast of other recognizable faces outrun the end of the world much like the characters do in The Day After Tomorrow and Independence Day.

Cast: John Cusack, Thandie Newton, Woody Harrelson 

Synopsis: An epic adventure about a global cataclysm that brings an end to the world and tells of the heroic struggle of the survivors