It’s like the United States’ Labor Day, and although the US doesn’t observe it Stateside, it’s a national holiday in over 80 countries, which just goes to show us how backwards the world is and how they should be more like us at every opportunity. These countries “celebrate” with demonstrations and marches.Nope. Uh-uh. It’s not a holiday if it doesn’t involve one of the following: costumes, getting drunk, grilling, or gifts.

In honor of the United States steadfast resilience in not celebrating this commie pseudo-holiday. Here are some of the worst communists in film history.

Eat it, Cuba.

General Bratchenko – Red Dawn

If I had my way, this whole list would be Red Dawn characters, but, like communists, I live under the oppressive totalitarian regime of my editor who says people don’t want to read 1,000 words on why Red Dawn is awesome. He’s wrong, so I’m just going to list the one character anyway.

Bratchenko appears to be the highest ranking member of the Soviet military occupying whatever town Red Dawn takes place in. He uses notorious communist tactics like re-education camps, decimation, and martial law to instill fear in the subjects. That’s the political angle.

As a military strategist, he’s roughly as effective as a sack full of door knobs. His efforts are largely thwarted by eight kids armed by their neighborhood sporting goods store. He’s even lost the faith of his underling and tactician, Cuban Colonel Ernesto Bella, who’s not such a bad guy when you get to know him.

Ivan Drago – Rocky IV

Duh. He represents all the horrible things the communists did during the 80’s, most notably killing Carl Weathers in cold blood. That and the steroid use is what really gets me. This guy is a posterboy for the USSR, and his fall from grace could not have been more satisfying.

What’s perhaps most disconcerting is that he had an Amazon-woman girlfriend that looked just like him, leading us to believe that the Soviet Union was genetically engineering a whole race of tall, attractive people that wanted to destroy the US. Then we saw Boris Yeltsin and laughed about how wrong we were about the tall and attractive parts.

Nice try, pinkos.

Tiger Woods’ ex Elin Nordegren never has to worry about money again. Which is pretty obvious seeing as she decided to tear down her $12.3 million Palm Beach mansion in order to build a new mansion. A better mansion.

There’s a saying that no man should have no home while one man has two. Elin Nordegren has just wiped her bum with that phrase. Then she used a hundred dollar bill to light it on fire. Then she threw the whole thing on a briefcase full of cash. Though this should come as no surprise. People do crazy things with money all of the time. I’m just concerned what effect this will have on the hip hop community.

Below you’ll find the most outrageous purchases made in movies. Why? Cause we’re staying relevant, damn it!

Robot – Rocky IV

You know you’ve arrived when you can afford to own a robot… in the 1980′s. That’s exactly what Rocky Balboa did after becoming the boxing world champion. The robot was a present from Rocky to his brother-in-law Paulie who used it to fetch him beers and birthday cake. However, there’s a small camp that suspect Paulie of using the robotic butler for more lustful needs. He does at one point refer to it as “his girl.”

Mink Coats – Goodfellas

There’s only one rule after pulling off a huge score — don’t buy anything. What did I say? Don’t buy anything. DON’T BUY ANYTHING!! Robert De Niro‘s underlings ignored this memo in Goodfellas. After pulling off the Lufthansa Heist from JFK Airport, everyone is instructed to lay low. Don’t make any large purchases or receive any generous gifts. This instruction is made irrelevant by the immediate purchases of pink Coup De Villes and mink coats.

Had he done that, I would officially sign on as a boxing fan for life with no questions.

8. Jerry Mitchell – Three O’Clock High

Sure, everyman protagonist Jerry was completely bullied by Buddy Revell, but Jerry ends up knocking out Buddy with the use of some brass knuckles tossed back to him by his sister. Lame.

A schoolyard fight is binding contract in which both parties agree there will be no dirty fighting. Granted, Jerry wanted nothing to do with this fight at all, but he showed up, which demonstrates a tacit adherence to the rules.

7. Ivan Drago – Rocky IV

This may sound a little quaint of me, but…THIS GUY USED STERIODS! He also killed Apollo, but I don’t lay blame on Drago for that. I mean, who REALLY stops at the bell when they’re boxing? Maybe the losing boxer, but you keep going. Drago was also a communist, which I view as a manner of political cheating, but we’re really just looking at the fighting and boxing here, so I won’t dwell on my political beliefs.

We see Drago getting injected with a mysterious substance during the training montage, which is disheartening because we know that reputable American athletes would never use steroids because of both the health risks and the unfair advantage they create.

So, more complex times, I guess. But it’s hard not to long for the era represented in movies of our childhood. We can’t relive those days, but we can still dress like the 80’s. Recently, Nike made the announcement that they’re releasing Marty McFly’s Nikes from Back to the Future 2. They might not have power laces, but it’s insane to think that these won’t be the hottest shoes since #23 laced up.

Are we nostalgic yet? Technically, those “80’s” shoes were from the future, but since we’re talking McFly, let’s look back at some 80’s fashions we’d like to bring back while we’re bringing back 80’s shoes that were actually supposed to be from this era. I’ve got a headache.

And in case you missed it, here’s the Nike ad for Marty’s shoes…

9. Hockey Jersey

Hockey jerseys: when sweatpants aren’t apathetic enough. Nowadays, the only champion of the hockey jersey is (shudder) Kevin Smith. It used to be that wearing one meant you didn’t give a damn in a cool way. Now it seems to mean you just don’t give a damn.

Icons: Cameron (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

8. Canadian Tuxedo

Here’s an instance of Back to the Future displaying a fashion that actually is from the 80’s. Denim. Denim wherever you can cram it into your outfit. The more the better. You won’t look ridiculous. You’ll look like a sleek urban cowboy, only instead of rustling steer, you’ll rustle up women and jealous stares.

Icons: Marty McFly (Back to the Future) Audrey Griswold (European Vacation)

7. Shoulder Pads For Girls

Linebackers ARE sexy. So it’s no wonder that women took the initiative to give themselves wide, angular shoulders that made them look like walking V’s. Of course, congestion in narrow hallways reached an all-time high, so the style was dropped as quickly as it was embraced. However, with today’s hallways bigger than ever, let the women broaden their shoulders.

Icons: Every Heather (Heathers), Working Girls (Working Girl)

9. Paulie’s Robot

This robot/servant from Rocky IV puts most other robots to shame. Paulie was able to change the voice of the robot from a man’s to a woman’s, leaving little doubt that this robot could be programmed to be a pleasure model. However, Paulie uses the robot not so much for sex or friendship, but to do things like get him beer and chips. Because if there’s one thing that Italian stereotypes in tank tops like to do, it’s sit in front of the TV in their favorite chair and drink beer and eat chips while their wife makes-a a spaghetti sauce that’s-a jussa riiiiight!.

8. Giant Piano

The giant Piano from Big wasn’t necessarily something that I would want to own, as it combines my two least favorite things in this world: artistic expression and exercise. But it was pretty neat to watch Robert Loggia dance and create music. I don’t think the store-bought version comes with Robert Loggia, but everyone has their price. I would just pounce on it all day and play that creepy sequence of notes from Eyes Wide Shut…with Robert Loggia.

7. Chucky (trained)

This Child’s Play toy/character is a bit of mixed bag, as it would be great to have a diminutive friend waddling around in his impish overalls, but it would also be great to not be stabbed with scissors in the neck. Give and take, people. If you DID procure a Chucky, and he DIDN’T stab you in the neck, you would be the cock of the walk at school. On high school. Or your office. Or at your Army camp in Fallujah. Seriously, there’s no one that’s not scared of this guy.