There’s one such film that’s coming out this weekend. See if you can spot it on the list below.

Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages is going to be just terrible. There’s nothing about it that’s sincere, from the casting of Tom Cruise as rock star Stacee Jaxx, to the existence of a character named “Stacee Jaxx” to the fact that that it’s a jukebox musical (a term that I just learned and in doing so, probably forgot the quadratic equation or how to diagram a sentence).

I get that this film isn’t supposed to be a study of the serious qualities of rock and roll, or music, or even filmmaking, but rather a “romp” in which rock and roll is probably cartoonishly overblown, then subject to hyperbolic condemnation by a hot woman, but then Stacee Jaxx probably sleeps with the hot woman leading the rock and roll cause, then she loves rock and roll, and something happens at the end set to Journey’s “Wheel in the Sky,” and the credits roll, and receptionists the nation over will have something to talk to each other about on Monday morning.

I get that. But I’m not going to like it.

Rock Star

Take every cheesy cliché about rock and roll that you can think of (long hair, leather vests, the groupie stories) and couple it with a contrived story about loss and redemption, and you get Rock Star, a story about a fledgling cover band singer that was given the gig of his dreams in fronting one of the biggest bands in the world, the unfortunately-named Steel Dragon.

The premise is based on the story of Judas Priest, whose lead singer left the band after he came out as gay. He was quickly replaced by a Judas Priest tribute performer. The only problem with this story is that Judas Priest was popular in the early 1980’s, so to take a band of that ilk and drop them in 2001 looks, well, stupid.

In case that doesn’t turn your stomach enough, the final scene is of Wahlberg playing acoustic music in a coffee shop with long hair and in a sweater.

Gross.

Yellow Submarine

The Beatles are probably the greatest rock band that ever graced the earth, but that doesn’t mean they’re unimpeachable. Just like bands with 1% of their talent, they produced some mindlessly self-indulgent crap.

The cartoon is bad, but what makes it worse are the expectations raised by so many people who think that The Beatles just ooze creative talent. They do, but they didn’t put it into this psychedelic, LSD-inspired children’s story.

On paper, that sounds like a pretty cool concept, but it just doesn’t take in practice. If you want to bore yourself and your friends while pretending to be a sucker what’s supposed to be cool, toss in Yellow Submarine and watch the sparks fly.

Crossroads

Named after a famous Robert Johnson story in which the bluesman reportedly sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads for his guitar skills, , Crossroads popped up on many people’s radars as one of the few other feature films starring Ralph Macchio that didn’t have the word “Karate” or “Kid” in the title.

The story about a young man discovering the blues is a cool premise, but predictably, the film gets pretty schmaltzy pretty quickly. While I will concede that white boys can play the blues, I’m not convinced that our best representative would be Ralph Macchio. He’s like the modern-day Shia LaBeouf.

Also, the soundtrack is by Steve Vai, who is much more metal shredder than bluesman.

The Doors

I was reluctant to include this film on the list, because when I was 11 years old, I had just learned about The Doors and Oliver Stone, and thought that both were, like The Beatles, above criticism.

I was such a dumb little kid.

The Doors were an insanely cheesy band that wallowed in self-seriousness and their “art.” Oliver Stone has some of those same proclivities as well, so when you put them together, it’s a tour de fromage that may appeal to a sixth-grader, but makes everyone roll their eyes extra times due to the self-seriousness of the band in question. Lighten up guys. Do your drugs. Wear your leather pants. But let go of the whole “poet” angle and play your damn rock music.

Purple Rain

Good soundtracks do not a fine film make. This movie is absolutely terrible. As everyone already knows, it stars Prince, who is a terrible actor, in that every scene he appears, you half-expect to hear the director off-screen whispering, “Harder! Act harder! No! HARDER!”

And Prince acts really hard, but the only problem is that it’s terrible. I can tell you immensely more about the soundtrack than I can about the film, and for that I am grateful. Terrible senseless film. With an amazingly great soundtrack.

Damn you, Prince!

Tom Cruise, while doing publicity for Rock of Ages, was asked about a Top Gun sequel and replied, “It would be fun getting into those jets. I want to fly those jets!” in a way that you think you’re imagining Tom Cruise saying it, but really you’re imagining Ben Stiller doing an impression of Tom Cruise saying it.

Val Kilmer, in a different, non-Rock of Ages interview, placed a big ole’ elephant in the room, then told everyone to ignore it as he claimed,”Sure, it would be fun. I’d have to get a haircut, but anything for the role!”

In that scenario, I imagine the interviewer beginning to choke, even though they weren’t eating anything at the time. In converse fashion, Kilmer would produce a giant bucket of sauce-laden meatballs which he would casually eat, and then the interview would end.

Other notable standouts are Tom Cruise, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Malin Akerman. Cruise because he nails the bored rock star part, Zeta-Jones because she chews the scenery as an uptight conservative protestor and Malin Akerman because you almost see her boobs.

Now that you’ve collected yourself, let’s get to the important part: Below you can see the first image from the upcoming Rock of Ages, which features the aforementioned Baldwin, Russell Brand, and a giant lollipop. I don’t really know what to say about this – after months of making fun of Rock of Ages, this photo of Baldwin is actually pretty funny. See for yourself below.

The movie also stars Tom Cruise, Mary J. Blige, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Paul Giamatti, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Bryan Cranston, and Malin Akerman. Can’t wait until we get som Paul Giamatti beach pics! (ComingSoon)

Adam Shankman, director of Rock of Ages, has been shamelessly bilking Hollywood star after Hollywood star into appearing in his movie. Now, finally, it appears that at least one person has broken free of his seductive grasp – star of”30 Rock” and those ads for Hulu, Alec Baldwin.

Baldwin has dropped out after being confirmed by Shankman back in March. He was supposed to play “Dennis Dupree, the owner of the Bourbon Room, the Sunset Boulevard nightclub at the center of the movie.” I guess now they’ll have to get Stephen Baldwin to do it instead?

Some of the other actors not as savvy as Alec Baldwin include Tom Cruise, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Russell Brand Paul Giamatti, Malin Akerman, Bryan Cranston, and Mary J. Blige. Well, you know what they say – never give a sucker an eve break or smarten up a chump. (The Hollywood Reporter)

Akerman, she of the universally-beloved Watchmen, is the latest cowgirl to get lassooed into the musical Rock of Ages, with fellow cowpokes Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, and literally 8 million others. Will Akerman be able to stand out in a cast filled with such heavyweights? No, she won’t.  (Deadline)

Best pals Bruce Willis and 50 Cent, meanwhile, are lending their famous faces and heads to Fire With Fire, an indie thriller about a fireman in witness protection. Giddiyap, Bruce Willis and 50 Cent! (Variety)

Ziering, who has a cool Bond villain name, has been cast in I Hate You Dad, an Adam Sandler/Andy Samberg comedy. Ziering will be playing Adam Sandler’s character in a TV show-within-the-movie, which is way too confusing to even think about right now, so instead I’m a gonna ride all the way to Texas. C’mon Whiplash, we’re off! (Variety)

More specifically, he’s husband to the Anita Bryant/Tipper Gore-type played by Catherine Zeta-Jones who wants to ban all rock and roll. Oh no! Will rock and roll be able to survive this cultural onslaught? How about rock or roll, separately? I think rock has a bit more vigor than roll does – I hope roll pulls through OK. I’m sure they’ll both be OK – this is America, after all.  (Deadline)

“She’s the moral majority person, kind of like if Tipper Gore and Anita Bryant had a love child in that era. To have a great actress who won an actress in this genre with ‘Chicago‘ is wonderful.”

Unfortunately, it looks like Shankman’s reign of scheming will not end with Catherine Zeta-Jones, since he has at least two parts left to cast: Tom Cruise’s love interest (who was originally going to be played by Amy Adams but she decided to be Lois Lane instead), and “the mayor.” Please, actors and actresses, stay inside your homes for your own safety. (Deadline)

Boneta plays a young, wide-eyed traveler to Los Angeles named Drew who dreams of “making it” as a rock star. Yeah, we’re gonna make it. Make our dreams come true in LA. Yeah. Of course, Drew becomes a bus boy, which seems like less of a “dream” and more of a sad reality. Hopefully that’s addressed with the inclusion of the beloved Foreigner b-side “Seems Like Less of a Dream, More of a Sad Reality (Megan’s Song).”

Russell Brand, who is in every other movie these days, has also officially joined the cast. So does that mean James Franco will be wedged in there somehow too? Don’t stop believin’, you guys.

Adam Shankman is directing Rock of Ages for New Line. (Deadline)