With their fists.

For this years TED 2012 conference, Engineers at the University of Pennsylvania pre-programmed the quadrotors to play the iconic song using instruments such as a a keyboard, cymbals, and a giant guitar custom made out of a couch frame. After all, its hard to play a regular guitar while you’re flying through the air. Just as John Denver. Zing!

What, too soon? (EW)

The Cybermen

The Cybermen are a consistent pain in Dr. Who‘s ass. Originally an organic species from Earth’s twin planet, the Cybermen began to replace their bodies with artificial parts as a means of survival. This action caused them to slowly grow less human until they were completely governed by logic. Just like Melanie Griffith.

Jax Briggs

Jax Briggs is already a tough-as-nails major in the U.S. Special Forces, but he finds he needs an extra edge when dealing with evil karate sorcerers in the shadow realm of Outworld. That’s where the bionic arm shells come into play. With them, he’s able to punch his way through thick walls and beat on robot ninjas. You’re first inclination may be to shrug him off as a pussy, but please keep in mind, these sorcerers are quite good at karate.

Lawnmower Man

Much like your mom with Facebook, Jobe Smith was once a simple-minded gardener. However, after discovering the wondrous world of computers, a bright intelligence is awakened inside of him. Suddenly he can speak Latin and win chicks. Eventually, his mind expands to the point where he is essentially all powerful with telepathic and pyrokinetic abilities. Unfortunately, it goes to his head and makes him a real dick.

Jackman plays Charlie Denton, an ex-boxer working the low level robot boxing circuit in the near future.  He’s a jerk. He owes everyone and their mother money, and when his fighter ‘Ambush’ gets demolished in a Texas rodeo, he’s hit rock bottom. This all changes, however, when he receives word his ex wife has died in a car crash, leaving his estranged son, Max (Dakota Goyo), in his custody. With an Aunt eagerly wanting to adopt Max, Denton weasels his way into selling the kid to her rich husband so he can buy the famed robot ‘Noisy Boy’ and continue competing in the circuit. The only problem is, he has to take care of Max for rest of the summer, something he’s not cut out for. But since the kids got an attitude, he forces Denton to take him along for the ride.

As they compete, Denton’s impulsive personality lands him into even more dirt when he gets Noisy Boy destroyed. With no other choice, he takes Max to the scrap yard for a new fighter, where the kid finds ‘Atom’, an old school sparring bot he believes will be their champion. Tension ensues as they both try to make Atom a winner and take him to the big leagues.

You can pretty much see where this is going, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Shawn Levy (Night at the Museum, Cheaper by the Dozen) hits us with great boxing matches, stunning shots on the American Heartlands, and most importantl, building a great dynamic between Jackman and Goyo from the start. Not to mention elevating Richard Matheson’s short story (which became a twilight zone episode with Lee Marvin) to a whole new level. There’s plenty in here for both kids and adults to enjoy.

Is Real Steal formulaic? Yes. Does a Limp Bizkit song play during one of the fights? Yes. Is Phil Lamar one of the commentators for the end battle? Maybe. But rest assured, Real Steel is a father-son story first, sports movie second. The only reason we remotely care about what we’re watching is because of the chemistry Jackman and Goyo share on screen, which is superb. Add in a great cast of supporting actors like Evangeline Lily, Anthony Mackie, and the always entertaining Kevin Durand, and you’ve got yourself a piece of good ‘ole Hollywood Cinema.

Trying to narrow a list of hundreds of films down to only 11 was ridiculously difficult, and I’m sure there are many deserving films I left off. But please keep in mind that my choices are legally binding, and no amount of bitching in the comment section will alter the fact that this is now the definitive list on the subject, and will be until the end of time. With that in mind, let’s take a look.

Revenge of the Nerds

OK, right off the bat, I broke my rule. These are supposed to be films that appeal to nerds, not films about them.

That said, this movie probably did more to raise the status of nerds than any other film. It’s a classic, and it still gets laughs nearly twenty years on. Aside from the nerdy characters, the film’s plot really isn’t that nerdy. It’s more along the lines of Porky’s or Caddyshack than any of the films on this list. However, the scene where one lucky nerd dressed as Darth Vader nails a frat boy’s hot girlfriend more than makes up for it.

The Original Star Wars Trilogy

There’s no question that original The Star Wars Trilogy is beloved by nerds the world over. But I hesitate to add it to the list. After all, the films have become so popular that it’s hard to even label it in a nerd specific manner. But in the end, any film with laser beams and talking robots can’t escape its true nerdy nature.

Tron

By today’s standards, the special effects in Tron look pretty weak. But back in 1982, they were groundbreaking. Throw in a premise based on video games, and characters with names like “Master Control Program,” and you’ve got a film that only a nerd could love.

Evil Dead II

The Evil Dead Trilogy is widely loved by the nerd community, due in large part to its protagonist, Ash Williams. And what’s not to like about a guy who works at the equivalent of a Walmart and ends up fighting demons with a chainsaw in place of his severed hand. The film was so popular, that it catapulted actor Bruce Campbell into the pantheon of nerd legends.

The Dark Knight

Christopher Nolan has turned the Batman franchise into every nerd’s wet dream. This is even more impressive when considering the sad state of the affairs left in the wake of Joel Schumacher‘s Batman and Robin. The Dark Knight had everything we loved about Batman Begins, and managed to turn up the action without sacrificing the plot or character development. Here’s hoping the third installment lives up to its predecessors.

Pi

Pi is about a paranoid mathematician who is more comfortable sitting in front of his computer than he is interacting with people in the outside world. That alone gets it a spot on this list. Throw in the fact that he’s discovered a complex string of numbers representing the name of God which is also useful for making stock picks, and you’ve got yourself some real nerd street cred. The gritty, documentary-style cinematography doesn’t hurt, either.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

When it comes to comedy films, they don’t get much nerdier than Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The medieval-fantasy setting certainly helps matters, but what really pushes this film over the top is its bizarre, off-the-wall humor and its highly quotable nature. After all, if there’s one thing nerds love, it’s memorization, which explains why they’ve been memorizing and repeating lines from this film for close to 40 years.

Escape from the Planet of the Apes

Yes, the original Planet of the Apes is a far better film. But I contend that Escape from the Planet of the Apes is far more nerdy. After all, talking, futuristic apes are one thing. Transporting these apes back in time and using them as social commentary on 1970′s racial and gender roles is quite another. Only a hardcore nerd could sit through this nonsense.

The LOTR Trilogy

Rather than single out a specific film, I included the entire LOTR trilogy. Like Star Wars, it was meant to be viewed as one continuous story, and like Star Wars, the series offers everything a nerd could want. From elves to orcs to hobbits, the universe created by J. R. R. Tolkien is littered with the pointless minutia and alternative histories that nerds crave. And with hardly a female character to be seen, it’s easy to see why it’s one of the most popular franchises of all time.

2001

2001 has all of the elements you’d expect from a sci-fi film: space travel, time travel, evolution, robots, etc. However, one crucial element is missing: fun! I don’t intend that as a detriment. It is widely considered one of the greatest films of all time. But that said, it’s more of a thought-provoking tribute to mankind’s scientific advancements than it is entertaining, which is why it is appreciated more by nerds than your average moviegoer.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

Let’s face it; when it comes to nerd films, Star Wars is for pussies. After all, science fantasy is bush league. Science fiction is the real deal, which is why Star Trek is and always will be the franchise of choice for hardcore nerds. I chose the first film for one simple reason: it sucks. Honestly, it is not good. Those long, drawn out scenes of the Enterprise floating in space are completely unnecessary, not to mention a blatant ripoff of 2001′s style. And the cheesy tie into the Voyager space probe was laughable at best. But despite all the flaws, nerds rallied around the film, and it sparked one of the most storied sci-fi film franchises in history. Well done.

While the letter’s tone may seem polite and deferential to the untrained eye, those in the know are able to read between the lines I am not in the know. However, by using sophisticated translation software, I have been able to sift through the Hollywood-speak and decipher the true meaning of Bay’s letter. So, with out further ado, I give you a translation of Michael Bay‘s letter to projectionists.

Dear Projectionist,

Translation: Dear Reel Monkey,

I am proud to have you presenting Transformers – Dark of the Moon.

Translation: How proud you must be to be projecting Transformers – Dark of the Moon. Given the lowly nature of your job, this feeling of pride may feel unfamiliar and possibly uncomfortable. However, there is no need to panic. These strange new feelings are sure to subside once you crawl back to whatever squalid domicile you call home, assuming you are actually able to afford shelter on your meager wages.

We worked very hard to make this the very best 3D live action film.

Translation: By “we” I mean “I.” I worked extremely hard on this. Do you know how hard it is to work with robots? Trust me, it’s brutal. So the last thing I need is you eff up my shit, brah.

To help counter the recent trend of audiences being underwhelmed by ‘dark dingy’ looking 3D…

Translation: If you’re not one of my boys Stevie Spiel or Jimmy Cam then your 3D movie belongs in my golden toilet.

…we have invented various post production processes never before used in this format to enhance sharpness, improve contrast, and render more vibrant colors.

Translation:…it’s just like real life, bitches.

It is critical that your projectors play to the brightness levels specified for the best results.

Translation: Make sure this shit looks really bright. Put the Junior Mints down, get off your ass and read the damn instructions. Just follow the picture of my hand turning a dial past its breaking point.

We have also created a new “Platinum 6 version” of Transformers, for the ultimate in 3D experience, to be played in auditoriums capable of 6-foot lamberts of light on the screen (available to certified auditoriums only).

Translation: Yeah, lamberts. You know what I’m talking about. And if you don’t, I don’t have the time to explain it. But don’t take that to mean that I don’t know what lamberts are because I do.

We are all in this together.

Translation: This is all on you.

Your theaters invested a lot of money in the equipment and we work very hard to deliver a great experience.

Translation: The $70 million I make off of backend points doesn’t just appear out of thin air.

Projectionists are of ultimate importance because your expertise defines the audience’s experience.

Translation: In five years, your job will not exist and the word “projectionist“ will be about as culturally relevant as a compact disk.

Let’s make the audience believe again.

Translation: Let’s make the audience forget Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen.

All the best,

Translation: Suck it,

Michael Bay

Translation: Jesus Christ

Oh shit the links are robots, too! Ruuuuun!

Jaime Alexander To Be Laura Croft (Movieline)

Boy Wears Skirt To School (BarStoolSports)

Dilbert Meets 1984 (HolyTaco)

Pastor Steals From Steven Seagal (FilmDrunk)

Julianne Hough Rocks The Bikini (CelebJihad)

If Portal 2 Was Made In The 70s (Unreality)

Top 25 Comic Book Movies (MovieFone)

Behold, The Creepy LiLo Picture (PopEater)

How To Not Get A Summer Job (Smosh)

Fictional Companies You Should Work For (Ranker)

Man Builds Badass Jetpack (BroBible)

Confessions of Cameron Diaz (Maxim)

Remember Sinbad? (Pajiba)

5 Questions For Geoffry Rush (NextMovie)

15 Minutes Of Hematomas (CagePotato)

What Happened To Cuba Gooding? (MadeMan)

How To Kill George Romero (GameFront)

Sabrina Ravelli Hotness (TuVez)

Much like the Playstation version of “Jeopardy!“, the computer is able to ring in first and nail all the softball questions. I don’t mean to imply any cheating is going on here, and it is a pretty amazing clip, but that computer sounds suspiciously like Alex Trebek. What is that Canadian planning?

The main event kicks off on February 14th when past champions Jennings and Brad Rutter go against Watson for reals. However it’s totally understandable if you just have your grandmother tape it for you. (via Warming Glow)

We don’t know much but we get the vibe that it’s a playful throwback to the horror of the early 90′s. Every child goes crazy for a Blinky™ robot withou knowing the machine’s dark ulterior motives. If anything, this should serve as a warning about the impending robot uprising. Chopping Mall‘s warning fell on deaf ears. Are we going to be so foolish as to ignore it twice? I’m not. ***throws Col. Hans’s iPhone against the wall***

Filming began yesterday on Hugh Jackman‘s robo-pugilism adventure Real Steel and we have the first set photos courtesy of USA Today. In the film, Jackman plays a washed up boxer who, along with his son, promotes and coaches a robotic fighter to win a boxing championship. We get a good glimpse at the robot, Noisy Boy, in the first pic and note that this is not a CG character. That’s an honest-to-goodness robot pictured with Jackman. Sure, there is always the danger that it might go haywire and attack the crew, but it’s still far safer than working with “Rampage” Jackson. Once his cold eyes are upon you, you’re already dry-humped. You just don’t know it yet.

CHECK OUT THE PHOTOS AFTER THE JUMP…

[No, colons are not movie code for “Robot Plot.”]

Robots are on the A-List now, but they didn’t always have it so good.  Here are five cinematic robots that just didn’t work (as they were intended):
 

T-800 from Terminator

Program: Kill Sarah Connor, period.

If you remember, in the near future, robots take over the earth with an aim to destroy all of mankind. Can you blame ‘em? But, there’s a group of Resistance soldiers – human, natch – trying to keep it from happening. So the robots, led by Skynet, send Arnie (“The Schwarz”), as T-800, back in time to kill the Resistance’s leader’s mom. Now, that’s just cold. So, the Resistance sends their own man (only one of them) to save her and her unborn son (and a lot more than that, boom shaka wow wow!). Of course, if we are led to believe that robots are pretty much infallible in the pursuit of their programmed target, we’d have written off human existence (Even Honda’s Asimo robot would have taken us over by now). But, like all new technology, the bugs still needed to be worked out and the T-800 had a few of them (as did Skynet).

Bug: He failed.

First off, as a lot of fanboys would tell you, the T-800s program was to systematically kill all Sarah Connors, alphabetically, living in Los Angeles. That was to guarantee that the right Sarah Connor was killed. Of course, some sort of logic system wasn’t built in, because the T-800 probably could have saved himself some bullets. Or, alternatively, it may have just killed off a slew of innocent Sarah Connors in Los Angeles, failing to understand that the real Sarah Connor might have lived in Thousand Oaks. Either way, T-800 decided to “save the best for last” and therefore gave Reese (the Resistance’s “Timecop”) enough time to catch up to the real Sarah Connor, proving that the human brain still can’t be messed with when it comes to finding the correct Sarah Connor in clutch situations.

The T-800 failing, and being crushed to death by a waitress, can’t all be blamed on its own dubious deductive reasoning. If Skynet was such the super-processing computer as we are led to think it is, you would think that it would find out instantly, as soon as the T-800 was FedEx’d to 1984, that “Plan A” didn’t work, and maybe waiting till technology improved (the T-1000) wouldn’t be the best idea. They’re robots! Just manufacture an army of them (à la Attack of the Clones), bubble wrap ‘em, and send a whole fleet after Sarah Connor. I start to wonder what sort of villain Skynet will be in the upcoming Terminator: Salvation. Based on the first three films, it seems to be a military general on par with General Mills.

And, speaking of robots built to kill…

JOHNNY 5 from Short Circuit

Program: Do as NOVA Laboratories say and be weapon.

Originally, Graham Crosby (Steve Guttenberg) had created the robots as music-playing chore-doers (think Rosie the Robot Maid 1.0), but because this is America, some ornery-looking guy riveted on a couple heat-seeking missiles , slapped an American flag on ‘em, and pushed them into Military pre-production.

Bug: They aren’t weather-proof.

During the grand introduction of the “Rocket ‘Em Socket ‘Em” weaponized Smart Cars, lightning strikes the compound, frying the motherboard of one Johnny the Fifth. Johnny 5 then goes berserk and decides time is better spent reading books, making breakfast, and trying to woo Ally Sheedy than blowing up a tank. Obviously, Johnny 5 missed his formative times as an 8-year-old boy. You would think that if the military was so invested in the robots, they would have thrown NOVA Laboratories a few extra bucks to snap on some sort of ground wire to each of the ‘bots.

That said, here’s a couple of other robots without ground wires…

THE PROTECTORS in Chopping Mall

Program: Be unarmed mall cops.

Secure-Tronics created a system of mall-patroling “Protector” robots as a security measure for ne’er-do-wells and punk kids breaking into the mall after hours. The goal was to make them taser unwelcome guests and notify the police.

Bug: Lasers.

For whatever reason, Secure-Tronics added lasers to their not-to-be-violent securo-bots. So when they, like Johnny 5, got fried from a lightning bolt, they started lasering first and asking questions later. Of course, unwitting teenage sexpots are trapped in the mall with those “destructicons” because Secure-Tronics thought another good addition would be steel doors that are secured at midnight and not re-opened until the following business day. It begs to question, what’s the point of having a robotic fleet of security guards in a mall no one can break into, let alone break out of?

Another private company that entered moviedom’s automized security industry was OCP, makers of…

ED-209 in Robocop

Program: Be better than Robocop.

Detroit’s economy failed (yes, in the movie, too), so the city sells itself out to mega-ultra-conglomerate Omni Consumer Products (OCP). They plan to replace Detroit with an utopian upgrade – Delta City, only they need more cops, because there’s too much crime, corruption, and general anarchy in “Old Detroit.” Since cops are on short supply, it’s left up to a couple of OCP executives to come up with solutions. Ronny Cox heads up the ED-209 project. Miguel Ferrer heads up Robocop.

Bug: Being ED-209.

To be fair, it’s not easy to be better than Robocop. For one thing, Robocop has mastered stairs. But when ED-209 fails in his first demonstration of fair and balanced justice (by shooting another OCP executive), the doors open for Robocop to succeed. So it’s hard to judge poor, old Ed on one poor performance – and in Detroit 2.0, no one is given a second chance (you hear that, GM?). Robocop is an instant hit with the kids, and Ed is put on the back shelf, only to be brought back in the end. Really, instead of shelving him, they should have tinkered, adjusted, tightened bolts – or do whatever it would take to give Ed a chance Knowing OCP, they were probably all too busy counting the profits coming in from their bestselling S.U.X. 6000. But, as one of Robocop’s final “labors,” he puts in a quick stress test on ED-209, and Ed flunks like an oafish turtle.

ED shares more than one link with another quick-drawing (and shooting) robot…

THE GUNSLINGER in Westworld

Program: Give adults a good role-playing experience.

WestWorld is one of the three “worlds” in an adult theme park, Delos. Think of it as a place that a burned-out accountant can spend a crap load of money pretending he’s Wild Bill Hickock. So, you know, relaxing. Delos’s “imagineers” have created picture-perfect androids to play the supporting roles in the vacationer’s western experience. And, because it’s the west, fanny-pack wearing tourists are issued guns – but it’s okay, they only react with the androids.

Bug: Robots start killing people.

Thanks to a crack robotics-team, an unexpected, and unprepared for, bug shifts all the Androids to kill mode. One, in particular, the Gunslinger, looks to make his mark on the cinematic body count records, chasing our hapless hero through the entire Delos park, until the Gunslinger is put to rest after falling down some steps (ED-209 style). Michael Crichton wrote and directed this flick 17 years before his “untested amusement park” novel, Jurassic Park.

Here are a few more movie robots that didn’t quite make our list, but screwed up all the same:

CHERRY 2000 in Cherry 2000
The skinny: A robot wife is constructed with fragile parts and her husband breaks her. If there are any inventors out there, dedicating themselves to perfecting a robot wife, I quit.

THE TEACHERS in Class of 1999
The skinny: In the gloomy future of post-grunge Seattle, “bad kids” are fenced into a “Free Fire Zone,” and local principal takes on new cyborg teachers with a penchant for discipline. Cast Stacy Keach, Pam Grier, and Malcolm McDowell in a Mark L. Lester film (exclusive, contributing writer here on ScreenJunkies), ramp up the robotic mishaps, and you’ve got yourself cinema gold.

EVE VIII in Eve of Destruction
The skinny: Eve VIII starts to get painful memories from her creator, making her a one-stop kill-shop. Gregory Hines, meanwhile, does his best Jack Bauer impression.

ALL ROBOTS & WILL SMITH in I, Robot
The skinny: Will Smith acts more robotic than his castmates in a script probably written by a “Speak & Spell.” Harlan Ellison (writer of an unproduced draft more than 20 years prior) has a right to be angry – I, Robot 2 is currently in development.

AMEE in Red Planet
The skinny: AMEE gets jammed in military mode and kills all the human Mars-o-Nauts.

THE ROTTWEILER in Rottweiler
The skinny: A robot dog is made to hunt down fugitives – a bad, bad, bad, BAD dog.

THE RED R2 UNIT in Star Wars Ep. IV: A New Hope
The skinny: Uncle Owen proves his choices in droids aint’ what they used to be, and the R2 unit’s head explodes like an old dishwasher, before he can put him to good R2 use – like thwarting Darth Vader and the Empire.

E.D.I. in Stealth
The skinny: In the future, humans decide robots should fly planes in wars, but then E.D.I. goes rogue (a bit power hungry probably) and Ray Charles has to take it down.

WALL-E in WALL-E
The skinny: He gives up a no-paying job cleaning up after the humans in the name of love. Where’re your priorities WALL-E?

So, future robot engineers, I implore you, get a quality assurance team. We understand that when you make a robot, you want it to work as programmed and not go haywire and kill thousands of people (unless that’s what you want it to do). And, if you haven’t learned anything, learn this – remote control OFF switch.

Fanboys, make your peace in the comments section below.

– ROSS CONKEY

Ross Conkey is a freelancer writer living in Chicago.  He’s working on a film in which the real Keith David can fight a robot Keith David.  Whoever wins, we win.