The 1995 fantasy adventure film is in the stable of Columbia has picked up a writer in Zach Helm who really thinks he’ll tap into the wants and needs of America’s family after the oh-so-close attempt with Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium and the hope of the upcoming Ben Stiller vehicle The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

One can only assume that a Columbia Pictures executive is haunted by some sort of restless supernatural being that can only be quelled with a rewrite that kills off Robin Williams‘ character, allowing the spirit to finally remain at rest and quit haunting the BMW and Malibu beach house of this unknown studio exec.

Because, otherwise, why would anyone be doing this?

Oscar producer #2: Definitely Josh Duhamel and Megan Fox. I saw my son watching Las Vegas once. Who do old viewers like?

Oscar producers #3-#16 (in unison): BILLY CRYSTAL AND ROBIN WILLIAMS.

Oscar producer #1 (who also happens to be Vinnie Jones‘ agent): Ok. I heard “Billy Crystal,” “Robin Williams,” and I’m going to go ahead and toss Vinnie Jones in there too. I think a few people said “Vinnie Jones.”

And that’s presumably how we got this Oscar trailer, which features no fresh faces or ideas, but rather plays to the conception that Billy Crystal is some sort of long-retired Oscar guru, instead of some aged comedian that wasn’t funny enough to host anymore until Brett Ratner got all homophobic at a screening.

Well, (bland) mission (bland) accomplished!

In this 2012 Academy Awards trailer, we get a gag that seems to have come straight out of Bruce Vilanch’s ass (gross). The goal of this trailer is certainly to generate excitement for Billy Crystal’s hosting gig at the 2012. This proves to be a fool’s errand, as it’s simply impossible to get excited about anything Billy Crystal does these days. Clearly, his selection is a backlash against Franco and Hathaway’s poorly-received turn last year, but at least people talked about the Oscars the following days.

When people try to talk about the Oscars following the telecast on Sunday February 27th, plain oatmeal will ooze out their mouths and dribble down their chins.

Which, admittedly, will be the funniest thing about the Oscars this year.

Well it works!

In 2010, Jesse Dimmick broke into a Topeka, Kansas house while on the run from the law. He held the couple hostage at knifepoint while formulating an escape plan. Presumably to kill some time, the homeowners fed Dimmick Dr. Pepper and Cheetos while popping in everyone’s favorite movie of all time ever, Patch Adams, in which Robin Williams plays a doctor who learns the healing power of laughter.

Predictably, Dimmick fell asleep, the couple escaped, called the cops, and the cops apprehended the captor after shooting him in the back. However, Dimmick is now suing the couple for breach of contract in that they had promised to hide him from the cops in exchange for money.

I would like to know who Mr. Dimmick’s civil attorney is, because I make fun of movies for a living, and even I know that if a contract calls for illegal action, then it’s unenforceable. I would shift the suit to “infliction of emotional distress via exhibition of a film in which Robin Williams plays an insufferable man-child.” That would be like money in the bank.

I dunno. Sounds pretty weird. A similar concept was famously done with Logan’s Run, but aging and immortality have been popular themes in science-fiction and fantasy. These seven films all approach age and immortality in their own unique way.

Logan’s Run

In Logan’s Run, the future is devoid of sucky old people taking forever to climb the stairs. This is thanks to an advanced computer that controls the population by decreeing all humans be vaporized before they turn thirty. To ensure no oldsters crash the party, everyone is born with a Lifeclock crystal in the palm of their hand. When it changes color, it’s disintegration time.

Jack

Diagnosed with an extreme case of Werner’s syndrome, Jack Powell ages four times at faster than average children. Causing him to be born after a ten week pregnancy and having to shave by the time he enters 1st Grade. If that weren’t bad enough, he’s closed off to the outside world save for his parents and Bill Cosby. That would mess any kid up.

The presence of these songs in any film conveys that the producers want to use something familiar and trite enough that you might confuse their bad movie with some other movie that probably isn’t as awful as the crappy film you’re watching.

Get excited.

9. “Who Let The Dogs Out?” – Baha Men

There was once a time when children’s films were made that didn’t contain this song. It was a simpler, richer time for cinema. If you hear this song and aren’t having an uproarious time, then you aren’t doing what the producers of the movie want you to do. Obey the producers. They work hard. This song is lazily featured in The Hangover, Shallow Hal, Rugrats in Paris, and Snow Dogs, which is delightful, because that film is ABOUT DOGS (being let out).

This song is used when a child, Zach Galifiankis, or an animated animal is raising all kinds of heck. 

8. “Gimme Shelter” – The Rolling Stones

This song became a de facto Scorsese trademark in Goodfellas, Casino, and The Departed, it has also popped up in Air America, Layer Cake, Adventures in Babysitting, Children of Men, and myriad television shows.

This song is used to signify that stuff is happening. 

7. “Semi-Charmed Life” – Third Eye Blind

One of the most ubiquitous songs of the late 90’s crept into more than a handful of films and almost every trailer, letting audiences know that seeing this movie would be a really good time, just like crystal meth, which this song is about. It’s featured in Dirty Work, Mr. Nice Guy, American Pie, Wild Things, and Contact.

This song is used when a creative-type in San Francisco is riding their bike home from work to their apartment and roommates. 

James McAvoy is close to teaming up with fellow Brit Danny Boyle for Trance, a heist thriller that would see him playing a character named Simon who is stuck in the middle of a botched bank job. Michael Fassbender was first attached to this project, but apparently he put it aside when he decided to do every other movie in Hollywood. (Variety)

Robin Williams is also circling Gently Down the Stream, a rom-com that would feature Robert DeNiro and Diane Keaton as a divorced couple that pretends to be married for the sake of their kids. Robin Williams will play an obnoxious priest, just like he did in License to Wed. Old Robert De Niro never would have put up with Williams’ B.S., but times hav echanged. The film will also star Susan Sarandon, Topher Grace, Amanda Seyfried, and Katherine “Buzzkill” Heigl. (Showbiz 411)

Finally, Tom Wilkinson will be gracing The Lone Ranger with his presence as a railroad tycoon, which one can safely read as “bad guy. I am now openly rooting for Wilkinson to prevail over both Armie Hamer’s Lone Ranger and Johnny Depp’s Tonto. I’m tired of seeing Johnny Depp prevail, and Armie Hamer will always be a snooty Winklevoss in my eyes. I hope whatever damsel Wilkinson ties to the train tracks gets run the hell over. (Variety)

For all of you Francis Ford Coppola fans who are anxiously awaiting The Godfather 3D, I’m sorry to tell you it ain’t gonna happen. In an interview with ElectronicHouse, the legendary director came out swinging against the craze, saying that most films aren’t enhanced by 3D, except at the box office.

“I feel that until you can watch 3D without glasses, it’s the same thing we know,” he says. “I personally do not want to watch a movie with glasses. It’s tiresome.” Coppola says he even removed his 3D glasses to watch portions of “Avatar,” even though it meant he was watching out of focus.

Who does this guy think he is? I recently watched Clash of the Titans in 3D, and let me tell you that it was a thousand times better than The Godfather I & II combined! If Coppola has any hope of his films being accepted by future generations, he’ll convert his entire catalog to 3D at once. That way we can watch Jack in the third dimension, as it was meant to be experienced. (CinemaBlend)

Cast: Robin Williams, John Travolta, Seth Green

Synopsis: Two friends and business partners find their lives turned upside down when strange circumstances lead to them being placed in the care of 7-year-old twins.

Today, Hulu put up this new clip from the Robin Williams-starring WORLD’S GREATEST DAD, in which his character Lance Clayton makes nice with the old neighbor lady over some weed, bonds over zombies and informs her that his son (SPY KIDS’ Darryl Sabara) is spying on her when she drops her top every night.  What she does with the information might shock and appall you, which is perhaps why there’s an age-check gate on this clip.  

We have not had a chance to see WORLD’S GREATEST DAD yet.  The above clip is intriguing but the trailer showed even greater promise.  Even Devin from CHUD.com, who seems to hate a lot of stuff out there, heaped praise on it.  The film’s already available via Video On Demand.  If you’re not sold, you can check out IGN’s interview with director Bobcat Goldthwait after the jump. 

_{Laura Celeste Is Very Hot (Gorillamask)}

_{Justin And Johnny: Whore Island (Holytaco)}

_{Interview With The Guy Punching The Air From Most Valuable Primate (Filmdrunk)}

_{Megan Fox Is A Genius (Manofest)}

_{Einstein Action Figures For Mega-Nerds Only (Walyou)}

_{The Worst Macguffins Ever (Pajiba)}

_{6 Things That Shouldn’t Explode, But Did Anyways (Cracked)}

_{Snuggies For Dogs, Now? (Sickpigs)}

_{5 Fast Food Restauraunts That Make You Scared To Fart (Coedmagazine)}

_{5 Job Suggestions For Sarah Palin (Celebjihad)}

_{Professions Women Think Are Hot (Mademan)}

_{MMA Steroid Busts Timeline (Cagepotato)}

_{Adding Celebrity Faces To Houshold Appliances And Mechanical Items (Unreality)}

_{Japanese Super Toilets Coming To America (Asylum)}

_{Manly Rugby Mascot Attacked By Fan (Bustedcoverage)}

_{A Collection Of "To All U Haterz" Videos (Uncoached)}

_{High School Crushes: Where Are They Now? (Regretfulmorning)}

_{Bill O’reilly Thinks Naked Girls Are Pinheads (Bachelorguy)}

_{Happy Birthday, Jaime Pressley (Moondogsports)}

Above is the new trailer for World’s Greatest Dad, directed by none other than comedian Bobcat Goldthwait (forever my favorite Police Academy ‘new recruit’) and starring Robin Williams as a washed up writer teachin high school English and trying to raise a kid on his own.  The trailer makes the movie look pretty promising, with Williams taking the family comedy route he’s treaded so many times before but then veering off a cliff and careening into the dark world of vagina jokes.  As you can see, metaphors aren’t my forté. 

Dare I say that Robin Williams is back?  I dare.