Check out the ¡Rob! Bingo card.

The King of Queens

The best and most recent example of this phenomenon occurred on the hit CBS series The King of Queens. The notion that gigantic delivery man Doug Heffernan could score cute, busty Carrie was pushing fiction to the extreme. However, Doug was funny and charming, and as the writers at Screen Junkies all know, cute women prize a sense of humor over good looks any day of the week. Of course, Doug also put up with Carrie’s insane father Arthur, so that scored him some points.

Friends

It’s become fashionable over the years to bash Friends as overrated. The truth, however, is that the middle years of the show hold up quite well, both in writing and acting. But not even ten Oscar winners could convince me that Rachel Green was so hung up on giant dork Ross Gellar. Even if you do buy into the notion of one of the hottest women in America getting knocked up by a palaeontologist, I submit exhibit B: Monica and Chandler. This show was bordering on Sci-Fi.

I’m not saying the Latino angle isn’t good, but couldn’t you really make a decent sit-com out of Rob Schneider marrying into ANY type of family? Except black. America’s probably not ready for that yet.

The series has been announced for a while, so the big takeaway from this news piece is that it’s called ¡Rob! and that CBS execs still haven’t changed their mind about this show being a good idea since announcing it.

Joking aside, it’s nice to have Rob Schneider back in my life. I tried to fill the void with deep cuts from the Viggo Mortensen catalog, but that was cold comfort. This sounds like a good vehicle for him, and if anyone can bridge the rift between American citizens and Mexican immigrants, it’s Rob Schneider.

That said, if CBS doesn’t change the title of the show so that I don’t have to google how to type a “¡” every time I need to reference it, I’m never writing about it again.

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Marc Maron has just hung himself.

The idea was spearheaded by Durst’s manager John Schneider, who also put a similar deal in place starring his brother Rob. Should this article be read by any future survivors of the robot apocalypse, you know who your target in the past is. His name is John Schneider. This is who your cyborg assassins should focus on eliminating. It’s mankind’s only hope. (Deadline)

So, in protest of Oprah‘s honorary Oscar, here are five people who should have received it instead.

Peter Lorre

With a career spanning over three decades, Peter Lorre starred in some of the 20th century’s most memorable films. From M to Casablanca, the actor’s strange appearance and unique voice endeared him to audiences despite the fact that many of his characters were less than sympathetic. But at the end of the day, he died without an Oscar to his name while in a morphine induced haze. When Oprah dies, she’ll do so with an Oscar in hand, and the only haze she’ll see will be surrounding the Santa Ynez Mountains near her beautiful Monticito home.

Paul Schrader

Whil Paul Schrader is a well respected director in his own right, he is perhaps best known as the writer behind such classic Martin Scorsese films as Raging Bull and Taxi Driver. That’s right, the man behind Raging Bull and Taxi Driver doesn’t have an Oscar, but a raging cow who hasn’t had to ride in a Taxi since 1982 does. God, I hope some day a real rain comes and washes all this scum.

Sergio Leone

Sergio Leone is the director most associated with the Spaghetti Western. This is a result of his renowned Dollars Trilogy (A Fistful of Dollars; For a Few Dollars More; and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly), films that helped make Clint Eastwood a household name. Yet despite the fact that Leone contributed so much to the world of cinema, he has no Oscar to show for it. Yet Oprah, who is best known for screaming “my vajayjay is paining” on national television does. Classy.

Glenn Close

If Glenn Close’s only role had been as Alex Forrest in Fatal Attraction, that alone would have made her worthy of an honorary Oscar. But the fact that she’s had a spectacular career spanning decades (along with the fact the the Academy has overlooked her all these years) should all but assure her of the award. But not this year. This year, they’re giving it to the woman who gave us Dr. Phil.

Rob Schneider

Yeah, that Rob Schneider. His movies are awful, he can’t act, and he has no business winning a real Oscar, much less an honorary one. But at the end of the day, he’s somewhat likable, and at least he’s involved in the film industry. And to top it off, if you watch Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo wasted, you might actually enjoy it, which is more than can be said of Oprah.

There’s no word whether or not this will conflict with the Three Men and a Bride sequel that Steve Guttenberg announced or whether or not it will conflict with what people actually want to view. Though Sandler himself won’t play a lead role, it is expected that he could cameo. Probably as a Cajun guy prone to loudly encouraging the film’s protagonist. (Movieweb)

It took Rob Schneider 13 years to recover from “Men Behaving Badly,” but Deuce Bigalow is ready to get back into TV. I wonder how he got the confidence, with no one around to tell him that he can do it. Professional Adam Sandler movie cameo man Schneider just got a CBS sitcom pilot greenlit along with fellow SNL alum, writer Lew Morton. Based around Schneider’s life, it’s about a lonely not-Mexican-American guy who marries into a huge Mexican-American family. Mmm, is that enchiladas I smell… or cultural misunderstandings?

Later in the series, Sandler will take over as the lead character, and Schneider will be reduced to only walking on and saying his new catch phrase: “Ay yi yi, whatta wife!” (Deadline)

Grown Ups
PG-13, 98min., 2010
Cast: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Rob Schiender, Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph, Colin Quinn, Tim Meadows and Steve Buscemi
Directed by Dennis Dugean
Screenplay Adam Sandler and Fred Wolf
 
Throughout the 98 minutes of Grown Ups your brain keeps nudging you to just repeat these words: “It’s no surprise, because it’s an Adam Sandler movie.”
 
Here we have a full-fledged cast of comedians from Sandler, to Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, and yes, even the forever slave to Sandler movies, Rob Schneider counts as a comic, telling no jokes and just delivering kick to the balls or pie in the face moments.
 
It’s no surprise because it’s an Adam Sandler movie.

MORE AFTER THE JUMP…

 
Even real actresses like Salma Hayek, Maria Bello, and Maya Rudolph are given very little to do other than speak a line every 10 minutes and then have breast milk shoot at them or have toilet paper get stuck to their butts.
 
It’s no surprise because it’s an Adam Sandler movie.
 
Cameos by SNL cast members Colin Quinn, Tim Meadows and even Steve Buscemi offer little help to punch up the material, though Meadows and Rock get into a quick scuffle, providing one of the movies only few good laughs. Which is what people want from a Sandler movie: a good laugh here and there, but here it’s just a bunch of endless dick and fart jokes.
 
It’s no surprise because it’s an Adam Sandler movie.
 
The movie looks very expensive from all of the extras and large set pieces – from a New Hampshire lake house to a mammoth-sized water park and a huge 4th of July picnic at the end. The movie was just an excuse to go on vacation and get paid at the same time for Sandler and his crew.
 
It’s no surprise because it’s an Adam Sandler… Time Out. Stop this madness.
 
Why has Sandle taken the money and run? We’ve seen Sandler make unapologetic critic-proof movies since the the mid-90s, but somewhere when his movies started to make money–throwing the middle finger at Big Daddy–they’ve become some of the most blandest and forgettable comedy movies of the past decade.
 
Not including Punch Drunk-Love, Reign Over Me, or Funny People, which all may be another excuse for him to go back and make these kind of money burning movies.
 
Kids growing up back in the mid-90s of the Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore days could quote Sandler left and right, “Stop staring at me swwwan”, “Sooo hot want to touch the hiney, ouwww!” It was stupid but funny. Now, I can’t think of one line from Click, I Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, or even 50 First Dates worth shouting at my friends at an inappropriate time. 
 
By the end of Grown Ups, your brain is hurting from repeating these excuses, you’ve realized that you have officially ‘grown up’ from these “kind of comedies," yet all you want to do is run out of the theater like a scared little kid.

Grade: D-

^{Rock and Spade watching playback.}

Last summer, Adam Sandler decided he wanted to take a New England vacation with his buddies and stare at Salma Hayek’s cans all day. A film crew tagged along and now we have Grown Ups.

The film assumes the very believable premise of five guys who were childhood friends but haven’t seen one another since they were twelve years old, so they decide to get to know one another again thirty years later. This isn’t very different from the teaser we already saw. They just made more room for pee jokes. The movie opens June 25th and stars SNL’s cast circa 1992 with the notable busty additions of Salma and Kevin James.

Watch Kevin James make a sissy after the jump.

Grown Ups — Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

_{We’re making money right now. Hahahaha!}

Adam Sandler and the rest of his friends are starring in the movie Grown Ups, adapted from a Dockers commercial. I’m sure a lot will get lost in translation though, like the humor, so we’ll have to watch a bunch of formerly hilarious comedians fishing instead of personable model-types. In all honesty though, why the hell wouldn’t this group make this movie? They’re guaranteed sh*tloads of benjamins, and they get to hang out, laugh, and swing from ropes all day.

Sure, Chris Farley is throwing a tantrum in heaven over the sight of Kevin James playing a role clearly intended for him, but I think we all know digitally placing him in the film wouldn’t have worked out any better.

The ground breaking concept of Grown Ups is about five good friends reuniting for a Fourth of July holiday weekend thirty years after thei high school graduation. No, it’s not The Big Chill. I know, but no.

Check out the teaser trailer after the jump.

Grown Ups Teaser Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

Cast: Adam Sandler, Selma Hayek, David Spade, Chris Rock, Kevin James, Rob Schneider

Synopsis: Thirty years after thei high school graduation, five good friends reunite for a Fourth of July holiday weekend.