Screen Junkies » ROAST http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Sun, 30 Nov 2014 23:54:52 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 The 9 Harshest Jokes From Comedy Central’s ‘Roast Of Charlie Sheen’ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/the-9-harshest-jokes-from-comedy-centrals-roast-of-charlie-sheen/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/the-9-harshest-jokes-from-comedy-centrals-roast-of-charlie-sheen/#comments Tue, 20 Sep 2011 18:57:51 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=229226 It's a good thing he can't feel any pain.

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Amy Schumer sparked controversy with her Ryan Dunn joke on last night’s airing of  The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen. She addressed Dunn’s fellow stuntman and friend Steve O saying, “When Ryan Dunn died Steve-O probably was thinking it could’ve been him, with the rest of the world wondering why it wasn’t.”

Really? That started controversy? It wasn’t directed at Dunn and it wasn’t particularly that harsh. In fact, I made a similiar joke when I wrote Dunn’s obituary. Also, it’s a roast. That’s the point. It’s supposed to be gloves-off pot shots. If we were interested in watching famous people fart out watered-down yuck-yucks, we’d have watched Two and a Half Men instead.

Point being, the joke wasn’t over the line. It was more observational than it was malicious as it was the common reaction to the news of Dunn’s passing. Here are nine jokes that were much more harsh from The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen.

  • “You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the 80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.” — Amy Schumer
  • “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.” — Anthony Jeselnik
  • “Brooke Mueller is not very bright unless Charlie throws a lamp at her. … Mike Tyson, your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex wives.” — Jeffrey Ross
  • “Charlie, you claim to have ‘tiger blood,’ but after all the porn stars you’ve [had sex with], it’s probably Tiger Woods’ blood.” — Seth MacFarlane
  • “If you’re winning, this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns — don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?” — Jeffrey Ross
  • “Charlie still hasn’t hit rock bottom. He’s looking forward to it though, because he thinks there’s a rock there.” — Steve O
  • “Charlie Sheen is still alive! Charlie, you were amazing in Platoon. Your marriage to Denise [Richards] was kind of like her Vietnam because she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie … There’s no denying how famous you are. It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you—you know, your daughters.” – Amy Schumer
  • “Mike Tyson, your opponents spent less time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex-wives.” — Jeffrey Ross
  • “Charlie Sheen called his boss on Two and a Half Men a ‘Jew ki**’ and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.” — Anthony Jeselnik

 

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Next Comedy Central Roast: Duh, Charlie Sheen http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/next-comedy-central-roast-duh-charlie-sheen/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/next-comedy-central-roast-duh-charlie-sheen/#comments Tue, 05 Jul 2011 18:17:10 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=218856 Charlie Sheen is going to look ridiculous on national television.

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Lisa Lampenelli should be advised to save the date of September 10th to insult the shit out of Charlie Sheen. Comedy Central has announced that Sheen will be made the subject of fun for their next celebrity roast.

Comedy Central has secured one of Hollywood’s most notorious bad boys. The network announced today that Charlie Sheen will be the next Roastee. The “COMEDY CENTRAL Roast Of Charlie Sheen” (#SheenRoast) will tape in Los Angeles on Saturday, September 10. The Roast will premiere on COMEDY CENTRAL on Monday, September 19 at 10:00 p.m. ET/PT.

“You could say I’ve been providing kindling for this Roast for a while,” said Sheen. “It’s time to light it up. It’s going to be epic.”

I really hope that there are no hard feelings between Comedy Central and Norm MacDonald and he’s invited to roast. The man really knows his way around a dead hooker joke.

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9 Celebrities Who Deserve Their Own Roast http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/9-celebrities-who-deserve-their-own-roast/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/9-celebrities-who-deserve-their-own-roast/#comments Thu, 17 Mar 2011 21:07:14 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=202217 So as long as they're roasting anyone, friend or foe, here are nine celebrities that deserve to be roasted.

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Traditionally, at least at the Friars’ Club Roasts, the motto has always been “We only roast the ones we love,” meaning that while the jokes could often be harsh, at the end of the day, the roastee knew he was among friends. But since Comedy Central branched off to do their own roasts in 2003, the idea of only roasting a friend seems to have fallen by the wayside. Nowhere is this more apparent than with the latest victim, Donald Trump. Does anyone really believe that most of that crowd had respect for “The Donald?” Even roast regular, Lisa Lampanelli, admitted, “I broke the (roast) rule because the money’s really good.”

So as long as we’re open to roasting anyone, friend or foe, here are nine celebrities that deserve to be roasted.

Jay Leno

No matter what you personally think of Leno’s comedy, it’s no secret that he isn’t well respected by many of his fellow comedians. Imagine letting them all loose on him at the same time. Recently, he was semi-roasted at Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Awards, so maybe, he’d be up for it. If so, hopefully the ghosts of Johnny Carson and Bill Hicks will be able to make an appearance.

Roger Ebert

I like Rogert Ebert, but there’s no getting around the fact that he has made a career off of ripping apart people’s films. Imagine a room full of jilted actors and directors waiting to take their revenge. The fact that Ebert no longer has a lower jaw would certainly add an uncomfortable element. These roasts are known for their harshness, but it would take some pretty big balls to make fun of a man who is missing half his face.

Oprah

Speaking of Ebert, let’s move on to his former girlfriend, Oprah. Well, girlfriend is a little strong, since they only went on a few dates. But at any rate, when it comes to egos, they don’t get much bigger than Oprah’s. And when it comes to targets, they don’t get much bigger than Oprah. No, that wasn’t a weight joke, although I’m sure there would be plenty of those, not to mention jokes about Stedman, rumored lesbianism, the throngs of stupid housewives who worship her, etc.

George Lucas

George Lucas lives in a bubble. Sure, it has a fancy name (Skywalker Ranch), but it’s a fantasy world in which he is king, and every idea he has is pure gold. As such, he’s blissfully unaware that his last three movies were horseshit. With the money they brought it, I can’t say that I blame him being delusional. Even so, imagine how much fun it would be to get a group of angry fan boys together for a Lucas roast. I’m sure Jake Lloyd and the guy who voiced Jar Jar might want to vent, as well.

Sean Penn

Maybe I’m wrong, but Sean Penn often comes across as a self-important asshole. When he was spoofed in the film, Team America: World Police, he wrote an angry letter in response rather than laughing it off or simply ignoring it. That’s why I’d love to see him in a roast. It’s always funnier when the targets take themselves seriously. Besides, it would take some real balls to get up on stage and mock Penn to his face, because there’s a very real possibility he would snap and beat the shit out of you.

Mel Gibson

In Hollywood, there’s probably no one more hated than Mel Gibson. That alone makes him the perfect target for a roast. Every Jewish comedian in the industry would be lining up to take shots at him, and given what we know about Mel, his rebuttal would probably be pretty colorful (i.e. offensive and insane).

Harvey Weinstein

As a producer, Harvey Weinstein has made some big films. He’s also made some big enemies. After all, to paraphrase”The Simpsons,” you don’t become a millionaire by writing a lot of checks. It’s a producers job to screw people out of money, but when you’ve got a commie like Michael Moore taking you to court over millions of dollars, chances are you’re taking it too far. A roast where the entertainment industry was allowed to vent would be highly entertaining.

Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons has been the butt of jokes for years, especially when appearing on David Letterman. But “The Late Show” looks like an episode of “Veggie Tales” when compared to a Comedy Central roast. Odds are 2:1 that Simmons would end up crying. I’d watch that.

Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks is widely considered the nicest guy in Hollywood. That’s why it would be so funny to see Jeff Ross and Lisa Lampanelli taking the piss out of him. And it would be just as funny to see Tom Hanks making jokes about Lisa Lampanelli’s giant vagina.

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David Hasselhoff To Be Pwned On Comedy Central Roast http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/david-hasselhoff-to-be-pwned-on-comedy-central-roast/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/david-hasselhoff-to-be-pwned-on-comedy-central-roast/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Comedy Central announced today that they will roast actor/singer/burger spokesman David Hasselhoff this summer. The special will air on August 15th as part of a themed block with showings of "Taking Candy From Babies" and Shooting Fish. In the press release, Hasselhoff affirms his willingness to accept money for tauntings:"I'm honored that Comedy Central is going to get 'Hoff' on me. I have always been a major fan of Roasts, dating back to the days of the 'Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.' Laughter is the best medicine. Bring it on! I’m ready to take the heat."This is too easy. How can we be certain that this isn't an elaborate ruse engineered solely for the capture of Norm MacDonald? Is OJ behind this?? (CC Insider)

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Comedy Central announced today that they will roast actor/singer/burger spokesman David Hasselhoff this summer. The special will air on August 15th as part of a themed block with showings of "Taking Candy From Babies" and Shooting Fish. In the press release, Hasselhoff affirms his willingness to accept money for tauntings:

"I’m honored that Comedy Central is going to get ‘Hoff’ on me. I have always been a major fan of Roasts, dating back to the days of the ‘Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.’ Laughter is the best medicine. Bring it on! I’m ready to take the heat."

This is too easy. How can we be certain that this isn’t an elaborate ruse engineered solely for the capture of Norm MacDonald? Is OJ behind this?? (CC Insider)

 

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WHAT’S ON TV THIS WEEKEND: FRIDAY AUGUST 7th – SUNDAY AUGUST 9th http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/whats-on-tv-this-weekend-friday-august-7th-sunday-august-9th/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-episode/whats-on-tv-this-weekend-friday-august-7th-sunday-august-9th/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Terrorism, theft, abominations of nature, and old people. This weekend's TV preview asks, Who would you rather go on a romantic ski trip with? Giant spiders or Joan Rivers??CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMPNOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

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Terrorism, theft, abominations of nature, and old people. This weekend’s TV preview asks, Who would you rather go on a romantic ski trip with? Giant spiders or Joan Rivers??

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

 

 

FRIDAY AUGUST 7th, 2009

DIE HARD
Network:
FMC
Time: 8-10:30PM

Reasons to watch: The original entry in the Die Hard quadrilogy. John McClane possesses that rare mix of bad luck and exceptional talent for getting out of tight situations. It’s as if the Good Lord put him here on this Earth to keep us safe from all the bad mother%@#$ers out there.

 


PSYCH
Network:
USA
Time: 10-11PM

Reasons to watch: The boys of (late) summer are back with a new season. In tonight’s premiere, Cary Elwes guest stars as an art thief who may not be what he may seem. If he turns out to be a bottle blonde as opposed to a natural blonde, my world will tail spin into crisis.

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN
Joaquin Phoenix, Anthony Hamilton, Bar Refaeli

CONAN
Eric Bana, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Flo Rida

KIMMEL
Quentin Tarantino, Rachel Nichols

FERGUSON
Don Rickles, Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings

FALLON

Paul Giamatti, Ken Jeong, Julian Plenti

SATURDAY AUGUST 8th, 2009


ICE SPIDERS
Network:
Syfy
Time: 7-9PM

Reasons to watch: Giant spiders escape from a top-secret lab to wreak havoc on a nearby ski resort and only three former Melrose Place cast members can stop them. Could happen.


BATMAN BEYOND: RETURN OF THE JOKER
Network:
CARTOON NETWORK
Time: 8-9:30PM

Reasons to watch: Fifty years after his death the Joker has returned to Gotham without having aged a single day. How is this possible? Cryogenics? Time travel?? Botox??? Raw foods diet???? Fans of Batman the Animated Series should definitely tune in as this movie elevates Batman Beyond to the quality level of its predecessor.

SUNDAY AUGUST 9th, 2009


WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?
Network:
ABC
Time: 8-9PM

Reasons to watch: Regis Philbin returns to the popular game show for a special  two week series of 10th Anniversary episodes. Wow. Ten years already? How friggin’ old is Regis? Anyway, watch the old codger make it rain on them Ho’s.


ROAST OF JOAN RIVERS
Network: COMEDY CENTRAL
Time: 10-11:30PM

Reasons to watch: Comedy Central takes pot shots at an old woman tonight. Roast Master Kathy Griffin leads Tom Arnold, Greg Giraldo, Carl Reiner, Jeff Ross, Melissa Rivers, Brad Garrett, and Whitney Cummings in an assault against the legendary comic.  These roasts are usually a fun time and if anyone can take it, it’s Joan Rivers. For instance, Rivers retorts with, "Brad Garrett, the only thing lower than your show’s ratings are Carl Reiner’s balls." The second lowest thing is Kathy Griffin’s balls.

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