To be clear, that was just a colorful introduction to this article. Your cats are fine, and if you try to lock them up in a cage or travel bag, they will scratch the shit out of you.

For the 98% of you either too young or too old to get the joke, this adaptation is for you. You see, ALF wants to eat cats. Had you not gleaned that from the short-lived late-80′s NBC sitcom, you’ll be able to enjoy the entire mythology and ALF origin story with a CGI film that explains how ALF came to Earth from Melmac and how he ended up with a terribly boring family in suburban Nowheresville, USA. It’s gonna be directed by the guy who did the recent Smurfs film, so that’s a big plus for cinemaphiles everywhere.

ALF voice actor Paul Fusco HAS signed on as the voice of the alien, so all you ALF traditionalists can rest easy.

You weirdos.

This weekend sees a “prequel” to one of the best horror films ever made coming to theaters. The Thing (an excellent remake itself) is a classic, and though the new film isn’t technically a remake, early reviews are pointing to the fact that it pretty much is. Does it belong on a list of worst horror remakes? We’ll hold judgment until we see it for ourselves. But in the meantime, we can steer you away from these insultingly-bad horror remakes that failed to live up to their predecessors.

A Nightmare On Elm Street

While this was in production, we were promised a gritty re-imaging of Elm Street. The promotional materials promised us everything every fan always wanted — more focus on Freddy’s back story. However, what we got didn’t deliver on any of those promises. Instead, it was mostly a lame retread of scenes we saw in the original re-imagined to include vlogs and other already-dated modern trends. This film showed the most promise when it focused on the scenes that questioned whether or not Krueger was innocent before his execution. But in the end, all of that was squandered to make way for more dumb jokes and toothless scares.

The Amityville Horror

The back story gets re-imagined here to disastrous effect. Ryan Reynolds stars as a dad who goes all Shining on his family after moving into a house that was once used to torture Indians. More time should have been spent on making he house actually scary rather than showing off the cast’s stomach muscles. Though those were nice too.

The Fog

This remake of John Carpenter‘s awesome pirate ghost story was more concerned with having a pumped up, poppy soundtrack than it was with turning in any genuine scares. In Carpenter’s original, you could hear undead pirates ripping the skin off an elderly babysitter as if it were fabric. Here you only hear Fall Out Boy.

1. The Fly

David Cronenberg‘s 1986 horror masterpiece drew its origins from the 1958 cult classic starring Vincent Price. Making use of (then) modern special effects techniques, the movie offers a chilling commentary about the dangers of unchecked scientific progress in a way the original never could. It also made me throw up when I was eight-years old!

2. Cape Fear

The original Cape Fear, staring Gregory Peck and Robert Mitchum, was a striking thriller for its time. But when Martin Scorsese took on the material thirty years later, he crafted a violent and chilling morality play, brutalizing the characters-and the audience-in a way early 1960′s film censorship boards would never allow. Plus, we got that awesome meme of DeNiro laughing maniacally in a movie theater, and that has only changed our world for the better.

3. Ocean’s Eleven

I don’t think I’m killing a sacred cow by saying that the original Ocean’s 11 was not a great film. It was mostly an excuse for Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack to hang out in Vegas, get loaded, and call it a movie. But the concept was solid, and director Steven Soderbergh knocked that concept out of the park, crafting the ultimate heist movie and starting the redemption of George Clooney after the debacle that was Batman & Robin. Then the cast made Ocean’s 12, which was mostly an excuse for them to hang out in Europe, get loaded and call it a sequel. Oh well.