Unless he adopts the name “Regis” and all of Philbin’s affectations, I find this to be some terribly “blah” news. Seth Meyers? Morning shows? I feel like everyone involved could do better. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Only one man can fill Regis‘ tiny, tiny shoes – Sylvester Stallone.

Thanks for reading today, folks.

That said, I like being first, so I’m going to grade the Super Bowl ads now. Sure, we’ve only got 27 ads so far, but my guess is that every decent ad has been leaked, so if you haven’t put your ad online by now, tough shit, anonymous company. You should know better in the Internet age.

These ads are graded based on my own hunch, gut, and whatever erratic mood swing I happen to be enduring or enjoying at the time I view it.

Note: We culled the movie trailers from this list because they largely weren’t Super Bowl-specific. 

Another Note: Thanks to EW Popwatch for assembling most of this big list of videos. 

E*Trade – The E*Trade Baby

The E*Trade baby is back at it, this time inexplicably as some dude’s best man. He’s bringing the sass, as he so often does, and though the schtick still isn’t fresh, it’s still a cute enough commercial, and at thirty seconds, it doesn’t run long enough to get old.

Grade: B

CareerBuilder.com – A Bunch of Monkeys

It wouldn’t be a Super Bowl if there weren’t thinly-premised ads sporting tons of animals doing human things. This year, Career Builder seems to have bitten that particular bullet, offering up a dude on a business trip with monkeys! Honest-to-goodness, no-foolin’ monkeys!

It’s not very funny. Except for the part where they plant a dildo in his bag in the TSA line. That’s pretty damn funny.

Grade: C-

Hulu.com – Will Arnett

Hulu has always been able to get some decent stars for their ads, and whie Will Arnett may not be the biggest name in Hollywood, he’s among the funniest. And the fact that he’s spitting off TV catchphrases to try to open a door just does it for me. Honestly, though. I could watch Will Arnett quietly drink a smoothie at a bus stop and think it’s a great commercial.

Grade: B-

“This will be my last year on this show,” he said. “It was the biggest thrill of my life. There is a time that everything must come to an end for certain people on camera, especially certain old people.”

Kelly Ripa will remain with the show, and a new co-host (Jay Mohr?) will join her. Though it won’t be the same show without an old guy misremembering guest’s names, Philbin’s departure will surely save ABC a ton of cash. What they spent on foundation alone… (Deadline)

Terrorism, theft, abominations of nature, and old people. This weekend’s TV preview asks, Who would you rather go on a romantic ski trip with? Giant spiders or Joan Rivers??

CHECK OUT WHAT TO WATCH AFTER THE JUMP

NOTE: ALL TIMES EASTERN AND PACIFIC!!!

FRIDAY AUGUST 7th, 2009

DIE HARD
Network: FMC
Time: 8-10:30PM

Reasons to watch: The original entry in the Die Hard quadrilogy. John McClane possesses that rare mix of bad luck and exceptional talent for getting out of tight situations. It’s as if the Good Lord put him here on this Earth to keep us safe from all the bad mother%@#$ers out there.

PSYCH
Network: USA
Time: 10-11PM

Reasons to watch: The boys of (late) summer are back with a new season. In tonight’s premiere, Cary Elwes guest stars as an art thief who may not be what he may seem. If he turns out to be a bottle blonde as opposed to a natural blonde, my world will tail spin into crisis.

WHO’S ON LATE?

LETTERMAN
Joaquin Phoenix, Anthony Hamilton, Bar Refaeli

CONAN
Eric Bana, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Flo Rida

KIMMEL
Quentin Tarantino, Rachel Nichols

FERGUSON
Don Rickles, Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings

FALLON
Paul Giamatti, Ken Jeong, Julian Plenti

SATURDAY AUGUST 8th, 2009

ICE SPIDERS
Network: Syfy
Time: 7-9PM

Reasons to watch: Giant spiders escape from a top-secret lab to wreak havoc on a nearby ski resort and only three former Melrose Place cast members can stop them. Could happen.

BATMAN BEYOND: RETURN OF THE JOKER
Network: CARTOON NETWORK
Time: 8-9:30PM

Reasons to watch: Fifty years after his death the Joker has returned to Gotham without having aged a single day. How is this possible? Cryogenics? Time travel?? Botox??? Raw foods diet???? Fans of Batman the Animated Series should definitely tune in as this movie elevates Batman Beyond to the quality level of its predecessor.

SUNDAY AUGUST 9th, 2009

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?
Network: ABC
Time: 8-9PM

Reasons to watch: Regis Philbin returns to the popular game show for a special  two week series of 10th Anniversary episodes. Wow. Ten years already? How friggin’ old is Regis? Anyway, watch the old codger make it rain on them Ho’s.

Reasons to watch: Comedy Central takes pot shots at an old woman tonight. Roast Master Kathy Griffin leads Tom Arnold, Greg Giraldo, Carl Reiner, Jeff Ross, Melissa Rivers, Brad Garrett, and Whitney Cummings in an assault against the legendary comic.  These roasts are usually a fun time and if anyone can take it, it’s Joan Rivers. For instance, Rivers retorts with, "Brad Garrett, the only thing lower than your show’s ratings are Carl Reiner’s balls." The second lowest thing is Kathy Griffin’s balls.