Screen Junkies » reel rumble http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 19 Sep 2014 21:04:14 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Reel Rumble: Who Was Funnier On SNL: Adam Sandler or Andy Samberg http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/reel-rumble-who-was-funnier-on-snl-adam-sandler-or-andy-samberg/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-review/reel-rumble-who-was-funnier-on-snl-adam-sandler-or-andy-samberg/#comments Mon, 11 Jun 2012 20:09:04 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249155 Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Today, in honor of the upcoming release of That’s My Boy, we’re debating who was funnier on SNL: Adam Sandler or Andy Samberg?

Andy Samberg

Andy Samberg is a funny guy, but most importantly, HE’S NOT ADAM SANDLER, which should allow him to win any Reel Rumble against Adam Sandler. His best years lay ahead of him, which is more than can be said for Sandler, and his scant past work wins by default when compared to Sandler’s later years.

It remains to be seen if Andy Samberg will become a bona fide star, but I’ll take his future promise over Adam Sandler’s current slate of films, which includes Grown Ups 2 and a comedy called Valet Guys with Kevin James. Included in Andy Samberg’s upcoming filmography are two films co-starring Sandler (the aforementioned Grown Ups 2 as well as the animated film Hotel Transylvania, as well as The To Do List (formerly The Hand Job). It’s close, but I’ll take Samberg, thankyouverymuch.

The next comparative category, mouth size, isn’t very close. It’s Samberg in a walk.

Both actors also have more than a passing interest in comedic music, with Sandler having charmed audiences in his SNL days with ditties like “Red Hooded Sweatshirt,” “Lunchlady Land,” and the entire catalog of Opera Man.

Meanwhile, Samberg is 1/3 of the hilarious and talented Lonely Island and responsible for the SNL Digital Shorts “Dick in a Box” and “I’m on a Boat.” Not even close there, Sandler.

Adam Sandler

Who was funnier on SNL, Adam Sandler or Andy Samberg? Sandler, hands down.

To insinuate that Andy Samberg’s time on Saturday Night Live was funnier or better spent than Adam Sandler’s is laughable in its own right. Samberg wouldn’t have his brand of comedy if not for Sandler. He’s in the house of manboy that Sandler built. Though many comedy greats worked under the lights of Studio 8H before Adam Sandler joined the cast in 1991, Sandler was the first to introduce the buffoon vibe to the show, and thus reinvent the institution. By simply doing the silliest thing possible, he was able to shine amongst a sea of future superstars. Sandler shared his time with Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Chris Farley, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider, and David Spade and still stood out. Samberg rose to prominence amongst a much weaker cast and writing staff. You can’t give a culinary trophy to a chef who cooks for the starved.

I will also mention that Andy Samberg had every opportunity to win this superlative but squandered them. This is done by virtue of the Digital Shorts format itself. Designed for Internet praise, these pre-taped and production-heavy videos strayed from the “live” confines SNL had worked within for thirty years. Of course, the standouts like “Dick In A Box,” “I’m On A Boat,” and “Jack Sparrow” were well-received. They grabbed headlines by making use of cheap celebrity stunt-casting and sly winks to the camera. Regardless of Samberg’s weak lyrics and lame rap skills, the Internet ate his awkward performances up. Whereas Sandler made his way before a live audience in a time before the “Like” button existed without smug grins to convey a punchline just hit.

Though this is not a defense of all his films, it is unfair to judge the man’s entire career based on however Drew Barrymore ruined him. That would be like refusing to rock out to “Say It Ain’t So” just because Weezer has finally slipped off the cliff of Sucking Really Bad. Also, by that precedent, a fair amount of blame can be cast in Samberg’s direction because when his work is bad, it’s really bad. Like abysmal bad. “Throw It On the Ground” and that Gotye short this past season owe me minutes of my life back. Minutes that I will redeem by not watching Jesse and Celeste Forever.

In summation, Adam Sandler: hard-working, unique, a star for the ages. Andy Samberg: similar to every Internet comedy group, coasted on the work of his not-so-camera-ready partners, wack rap skills, and need of a haircut.

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Would You Rather Sleep With Nancy Grace Or Chaz Bono? http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/would-you-rather-sleep-with-nancy-grace-or-chaz-bono/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-lists/would-you-rather-sleep-with-nancy-grace-or-chaz-bono/#comments Tue, 30 Aug 2011 22:50:44 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=226530 Choose or lose!

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By now you’ve heard that both Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono will be contestants on the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars”. How very proud we are of all of them.

To be clear, I have zero interest in “Dancing with the Stars.” But internet traffic being what it is, I have to chase the trends. That’s why I decided to have two of our writers (Wookie Johnson and Penn Collins) debate a hot topic that’s on everyone’s mind: Would you rather sleep with Nancy Grace or Chaz Bono?

There’s not a lot of upside to either choice. Chaz has that whole “gender swamping” thing going on, which, for some people, is a turn off. On the other hand, Nancy Grace has that whole “being Nancy Grace” thing going on, which is also a huge turn off. It’s a tough choice. We best leave it to the professionals. Take it away, Wookie and Penn…

Wookie Johnson: Chaz Bono, hands down. Who would pass up the opportunity to be with rock n’ roll royalty? As the only child of Sonny and Cher, Chaz undoubtedly gets into the best parties. Vanity Fair party? No problem. Tickets to the Tony’s? No big whoop. Dodgers box-seats? Whatever, I’ll go because I love nachos. Plus, Chaz could definitely score free tickets to see Burlesque. And I think we can all agree that free is the only way to see Burlesque.

Not only that, but we’re talking about the lead singer of Ceremony here. Ceremony! Have you ever been with a lead signer? No offense, but you strike me more as the type to get with the bassist. Maybe drummer. Maybe.

Penn Collins: While it’s hard (read: impossible) to argue that this isn’t a case of “the lesser of two evils,” Chaz Bono in this case is WAY more evil than Nancy Grace. Grace hosted a show on Court TV called “Swift Justice with Nancy Grace.” That’s a sexy television show title. I’m getting pretty fired up just slowly whispering the words “Swift Justice with Nancy Grace” to myself right now. Further, Nancy Grace is married, which means our relationship would be little more than raw animal sex. I like to keep things casual, Wookie. You know that about me.

Also, she has the fact that she isn’t a dude going for her. That’s huge, because I’m a straight guy, and item one on my “Do I want to sleep with this person?” checklist is “Is the person in question female?” If the answer is “no,” then I move on to another candidate. Apparently, the whole male/female thing isn’t as pressing for you. While I applaud your bisexual swinging lifestyle, Wookie, it’s just not for me.

I will concede two points: Nancy Grace doesn’t have the pedigree that Chaz has, nor is she the lead singer of a band (to my knowledge. I haven’t conducted as much research for this discussion as it merits).

Finally, please don’t presume to know how many lead singers I’ve been with. I dated Tracy Chapman for six months in 1995.

Wookie Johnson: Court TV? That hardly even counts as being on TV at all. Are you also excited by play titles?

Yes. The penis thing. I suspected you might bring this up. Though I do identify myself as a heterosexual and have never had a gay experience, I would do so in this case. This has less to do with an attraction to Chaz (though he seems pretty chill), than it does with a repulsion to Nancy Grace. Look at that hair. She looks like Lime Cat.

I would also much prefer to stare deep into Chaz’s eyes than I would into Nancy’s nostrils. I find them far more distracting than a penis.

Penn Collins: First of all, Nancy Grace’s hair frames her face wonderfully. It’s pretty clear we are running out of praises to sing about our choices, so we’re simply attacking the alternative. I’m on board.

The name Chaz, besides the fact that it’s, you know, a man’s name, isn’t one I could get behind. Chaz isn’t a sexy name. Nancy Grace is a beautiful name…a name that belongs to a classy lady who owns several chiffon negligees and has a four-post bed in which to make love.

“Chaz” sounds like someone who would try to fingerblast you at the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Further, I agree with Nancy Grace’s value system. I don’t know what Chaz Bono’s stance on murder is, but I know from the coverage of the Casey Anthony trial that Mrs. Grace is against it. Also, with Nancy Grace, I don’t have to have that awkward “top or bottom” conversation that so often kills the mood.

Wookie Johnson: Little known fact; Chaz took his name from the “All That Chaz” episode of “Charles In Charge.” You see, Chaz is the totally awesome alter-ego to Scott Baio‘s straight-laced Charles that appears whenever he suffers traumatic head injury. Speaking of traumatic head injury, what is wrong with YOUR penis that it can grow firm in the presence of Nancy Grace’s voice?

I do agree with you that murder is bad, but murder is not the case that they gave us. Please stay on subject.

Penn Collins: Stay on the subject? The subject is boning Nancy Grace and Chaz Bono. We might be dumber than we were before starting this debate. The only compelling case made here is that no one should sleep with either Chaz Bono or Nancy Grace..unless they’re in love with them and, or married to them.

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Creepier Movie Bunny: Frank Or The Rabbit Of Caerbannog http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/creepier-movie-bunny-frank-or-the-rabbit-of-caerbannog/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/creepier-movie-bunny-frank-or-the-rabbit-of-caerbannog/#comments Sat, 23 Apr 2011 00:32:36 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=207935 Both 'Donnie Darko' and 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' feature creepy rabbits, but which ball of fur are we least likely to invite to Easter brunch? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Both Donnie Darko and Monty Python and the Holy Grail feature creepy rabbits, but which ball of fur are we least likely to invite to Easter brunch? Fight!

Frank

This isn’t even close. I’ll start off by admitting that the bunny from Holy Grail is probably deadlier than Frank. But Frank doesn’t need to be deadly. He lives in the god damn netherworld where time and space collide. Death has no meaning there! He knows the future, he knows the past, and he knows you’re f*cked, so goes out of his way to taunt you. How creepy is that?

In Holy Grail, the rabbit lives in the Cave of Caerbannog. As long as you stay away from it, it will stay away from you. It’s like a bear or a shark. You have to go out of your way to find it and piss it off. But unlike the bunny in Holy Grail, Frank makes house calls. Not only does he visit you at home, totally uninvited, but he does so via your dreams. He’s like a furry Freddie Cougar.

Last but not least, look at the bunny from Holy Grail. It looks cute. Now look at the god damn monster known as Frank. He’s horrifying! His eyes look straight through your soul, and his grin is demonic. My god, imagine having that thing visit you at night. You’d probably piss yourself. And what’s with Frank’s awful voice? At least the bunny from Holy Grail only squeaks like a normal rabbit. Frank sounds like Satan taking a shit!

Is the rabbit from Holy Grail deadly? Yes. Would I want to go anywhere near it? No. But does the thought of it haunt my dreams. No! Frank, on the other hand, is creepier than Larry King having sex.

The Rabbit of Caerbannog

The bunny that resides inside the Cave of Caerbannog is one of the most ferocious and terrifying creatures known to man. In the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail, King Arthur’s Knights of the Round Table are led to the cave by Tim the Enchanter. It’s there that they must face the beast with a “a vicious streak a mile wide,” as Tim puts it.  But it looks like a cuddly, harmless rabbit, you might say. EXACTLY. It’s innocuous appearance and demeanor is precisely what makes it so terrifying. The only telltale sign are the skeletal remains strewn about the entrance of its den.

King Arthur doesn’t heed Tim’s warning and sends the confident Bors in to eliminate the “threat.” THEN DECAPITATED! It happens that quickly. The Rabbit soars through the air and chomps off Bors’s head with the greatest of ease. Sir Robin pisses his pants (again) at the atrocity. And holy crap, does the rabbit FLY? I’ve heard of lengthy leaps and bounds on a rabbit’s part, but the damn thing shoots like a rocket to Bors’s jugular. So it’s a killer rabbit that can fly. I wouldn’t fuck with that.

Then again, I’m not a Knight of the Round Table. So the rest of the knights charge, thinking at least one of them should be able to bring down the bunny. The beast shoots from man to man, biting off heads like the ends of Snickers bars. There is no other choice but to retreat, or as King Arthur so eloquently shouts it, “Run away! Run away!”

It’s the rabbit that could not be defeated by some of the bravest, toughest, sword-wielding men in history. Its innocent guise draws its prey in, and that adorable twitching nose is the last thing they see. I fear this rabbit because it could be any rabbit. Once it leaves its cave of bones, there is no way of telling it from an ordinary, non-homicidal bunny. Your rabbit is a man dressed in a costume with a demented metallic mask. I’d know from across a football field to turn around and walk way. My rabbit could be hopping up to you right…now…

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More Bad-Ass Actor: Sean Bean Or Michael Biehn http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/more-bad-ass-actor-sean-bean-or-michael-biehn/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/more-bad-ass-actor-sean-bean-or-michael-biehn/#comments Sat, 09 Apr 2011 00:35:01 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=206237 Both Sean and Michael are amazing character actors, but which Bean/Biehn is the true magical fruit that doesn't make us toot? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Both Sean and Michael are amazing character actors, but which Bean/Biehn is the true magical fruit that doesn’t make us toot? Fight!

Sean Bean

Sean is certainly the mightier of the two gentlemen in question with surnames that sound like a certain legume. Let’s get the ball rolling by delving into his childhood. As a young boy, Bean smashed a glass door due to an argument over scissors. It left a piece of glass embedded in his leg that briefly impeded his walking and left a large scar. The reason this fact is awesome is two fold: 1) Bean smashed a glass door. That shows a great deal of strength in such a little tyke. It was probably plate glass too, not that tempered pussy glass that spiderwebs when a pebble taps it. 2) Bean has a sweet scar on his leg. Every guy knows chicks dig scars. Also, it was this very incident that lead Bean to acting, as it prevented him from pursuing his dream of becoming a professional football player.

Speaking of acting, Bean is a product of the theater, where REAL actors are born. He was a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company, appearing in productions of Romeo and Juliet, The Fair Maid of the West, and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Bean even worked alongside Sir Laurence Olivier and Richard Harris, two of the greatest actors to have ever lived. Biehn only got ED Harris, and just because it was in both The Rock and The Abyss, that doesn’t make it better. To be great at any craft, one must first learn the basics, and Sean got a master class from the fine thespians he met during his early career on the stage.

Bean is kick-ass villain. He has the rough look, the gravely voice, and that oh so icy stare. He played the antagonist in Patriot Games, Ronin, National Treasure, The Island, The Hitcher, and GoldenEye. The films aren’t all fantastic, but Bean shines in his roles. It was particularly thrilling to see 006 go up against 007 in GoldenEye. And then we got to see it again in the game for N64. Oh happy day! There’s nothing better than being talked directly to by Sean Bean in a first-person shooter.

Then there is Lord of the Rings, and this sweet fact: Bean’s well-known fear of flying caused him difficulties in mountainous New Zealand, where the trilogy was filmed. After a particularly rough ride, he vowed not to fly to a location again. In one instance, he chose to take a ski lift into the mountains and then hike the final few miles, in full costume complete with shield, armor and sword. Now that’s original gangsta shit. Sure, you could chide him for having a fear of flying, but that would be awfully catty of you. Planes do nosedives all the time. So instead of dealing with the anxiety that comes from those loose statistics I just provided, Bean took the path of a true warrior. I would have loved it if he had passed my humble abode on his journey to set.

Finally, Sean Bean still stars in films and television shows that the general population gives a crap about. In fact, he’ll be heading up the cast of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” in just a couple of weeks. Michael Biehn last starred in Take Me Home Tonight alongside Topher Grace. It was a movie that sat on the shelf for three years, and then when finally released, made less than a bucket of popcorn costs nowadays. In the end, my Bean was and is still relevant in Hollywood. Your Biehn was great back when he was James Cameron’s boy, but now he isn’t even slipping into a mo-cap suit for the next Avatar.  I’d say he’s not adding up to a hill of…Biehns. BURN!

Michael Biehn

Michael Biehn killed The Terminator.

Do I really have to go on?

Granted, he didn’t fully destroy it, but while playing Kyle Reese, he blew it into enough parts that Sarah Connor was able to finish the job. And he didn’t use any fancy weapons or technology from the future. He did it using a homemade pipe bomb. How bad ass is that? He brought down a cyborg killing machine from the future using a weapon doucheba high school kids make when they get bored. Now that’s bad ass.

As if killing the god damn terminator wasn’t bad-ass enough, he also had time to stop and get laid on his little trip to the past. And guess what? His one-night stand resulted in the conception of John Connor. Talk about some super seed! The guy was just looking for a quick in-and-out on his way to fight robots, and he ended up conceiving humanity’s future savior. Not to shabby.

OK, I hear what you’re saying. “Robots are stupid!” First of all, fuck you. Robots are awesome, and they’re smart as hell. Second of all, fine, forget the robots. Michael Biehn has plenty of other shit to kill, starting with the god damn aliens. No, not Vulcans, although he could easily kick their ass. I’m talking about the Xenomorph from the Alien franchise. While playing Cpl. Dwayne Hicks, he killed countless numbers of them, and lived to tell the tale. Well, he died in a spaceship crash, but that’s unrelated. The point is he went toe to toe with the most deadly creature in the universe, and he came out on top. Dozens of space marines lost their lives in the fighting, but not him. Was he just lucky? No, he was tough as shit. Did I mention the Xenomorph has acid for blood? Well it does, and it splattered all over Michael Biehn. But it didn’t kill him. It only pissed him off.

By now you’re probably saying, “Fine, he killed the Terminator and survived the aliens. So what?”

So what? Sew buttons, dick! What else do you want? Did I mention he was in Tombstone? That’s right, the most ridiculously over-the-top western in recent memory. Granted, he played that pussy Johnny Ringo, but just being in that movie gives you street cred. And let’s not forget his role in The Rock, which happens to be the only Michael Bay film I like. I probably only like it because when it came out, I was too young to know what a shitty movie was. But either way, I love it. And if that is somehow not enough for you, he was also in the “Wing Commander” video game series, as well as the “Command and Conquer” series, two of the most bad ass franchises in gaming history. He did all this while Sean Bean was out playing with elves.

Also, he was in Grease, but lets not dwell on that.

Yes, when it comes to the battles of the Biehns, Michael is the clear winner.

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Better Baseball Movie Pitcher: Wild Thing Or Henry Rowengartner? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-baseball-movie-pitcher-wild-thing-or-henry-rowengartner/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-baseball-movie-pitcher-wild-thing-or-henry-rowengartner/#comments Sat, 02 Apr 2011 00:42:12 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=205091 The baseball season is upon us, so we found it apt to pit two amazing fictitious pitchers against one another.

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. The baseball season is upon us, so we found it apt to pit two amazing fictitious pitchers against one another. Does the rambunctious Wild Thing from Major League or the endearing Henry from Rookie of the Year deliver more both on the field and off?

Wild Thing

Let’s say you were having surgery, and you had to choose between two doctors. One is extremely skilled, if a bit of a hot head. The other is a fucking 12-year-old who became super smart after banging his head on a pipe. In that situation, who would you want cutting you open? If you picked the 12-year old, you’re an idiot, and possibly a pedophile.

Baseball isn’t as important as medicine, but the same principle applies. When putting together a team, do you want players with real talent, or do you want some underage freak show who has learned to perform a trick? If you said talent, The Wild Thing (Rick Vaughn) is your man.

Unlike Henry form Rookie of the Year, Wild Thing’s talent doesn’t stem from a bizarre accident. No, Vaughn is the real deal. His fastball is unstoppable. Sure, he had some control issues early on, but once he got his glasses, that all faded to the background. And because his skill is real, it’s not going to “disappear” if he happens to trip and fall on his way to the mound. That being said, Vaughn’s not going to trip and fall anyway, cause he’s not a lanky, dip-shit little kid.

Sure, Vaughn spent some time in prison. And yes, he inadvertently nailed another player’s wife. But shit happens. It’s called experience. You make mistakes, you learn from them, and you move on. That’s how life works. It builds character, character is what you need to survive in the big leagues. When push comes to shove, Vaughn doesn’t have to rely on trick plays. All he as to do is “strike (the) mother fucker out.”

Another fact I’ll touch on, but not dwell on, is that Wild Thing is played by Charlie Sheen. In case you haven’t heard, Sheen has tiger’s blood, and is actively high on a performance enhancing drug called Charlie Sheen. However, that particular drug has not been banned by MLB. And the fact that Sheen is the only one who can take the drug without dying only adds to his edge. Who plays the kid from Rookie of the Year? One of the D-Bags from the American Pie movies.

But at the end of the day, everything else I’ve laid out fades away, and it all comes down to one simple question: who in faster? Henry, after his accident, throws the ball an incredible 100 mph. That’s amazing! Of course he loses his pitch due to an injury before finishing the season (much like a real Cubs pitcher), but I digress. This begs the question, what is Wild Thing clocked at? The answer: 101 mph. Eat shit, Henry. The Wild Thing reigns supreme.

Henry Rowengartner

Henry Rowengartner is by a far a better pitcher, not just because his skills trump Wild Thing’s, but also because he’s a better role model, teammate, and person. The 100 MPH fastball doesn’t hurt either. Hot damn, 100 MPH?! Maybe we should all break our throwing arms in hopes that the tendons tighten, turning it into an unstoppable cannon. When I shattered my humerus all I got was skin that smelled like feta, which was pretty cool in its own right. That’s a skinny-ass arm too with barely any muscle on it. Can you imagine what would happen if he did some serious bicep curls? They’d have to lock him up for use against North Korea at a later date. It’s not like he’s juicing either. That arm is all him, just wound tighter than Joan Crawford in a closet full of wire hangers.

Let’s also not forget that Henry is only 12-years-old. What a feat to accomplish at such a young age. It sort of just fell in his lap, but still. He mixes it up with the pros and sometimes even displays a greater level of maturity than them. Wild Thing acts like a toddler in a 30-something’s soft, spongy body. He actually might actually be better suited for a Montessori school than the mound. They teach you how to be a proper human being there. Not a repulsive animal who gets praise for being an ingrate. Wild Thing could learn a thing or two from young Henry. Like how to resist the constant urge to adjust your sack.

A mentor can play a pivotal role in any professional’s career, and Henry has one of the best – Gary Busey. That’s right. Gary Effin’ Busey plays Chet “Rocket” Steadman in the film. He resents Henry at first, like any red-blooded man with pride would, but then he takes him under his wing and offers him the knowledge that only a baseball pitcher character played by Gary Busey could. And yes, that includes a nonsensical pep talk. God, how frustrating and amazing it must be to get advice from Busey. I envy the contestants on “Celebrity Apprentice.” Regardless of his unorthodox ways, Busey helps Henry with his control problems (no, not premature ejaculation), and Henry continues racking up the wins for The Cubs.

I know you’re going to give me shit about Henry’s funky arm being the reason he dominates on the mound, but you should know that he turns The Cubs into World Series champions against The Mets WITHOUT his freak arm. Before the last pitch, he falls on his arm and his “powers” disappear. He beats his rival “Butch” Heddo only with some clever trickery and inspiration from his mother. It’s nice he could win it all on his own merit. So stick your “enhancement” argument up your ass.

Finally, Henry doesn’t make your butt sting like Johnny in Major League suggests Wild Thing does. And butt stinging is the worst. THE WORST, I tell you. So there you have it. Henry brings the heat without bringing the pain. Put that in your Charlie Sheen and smoke it.

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Tougher Movie Leper: King Of Scotland From ‘Braveheart’ Or Toussaint From ‘Papillon’? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tougher-movie-leper-king-of-scotland-from-braveheart-or-toussaint-from-papillon/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/tougher-movie-leper-king-of-scotland-from-braveheart-or-toussaint-from-papillon/#comments Sat, 26 Mar 2011 00:44:45 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=203809 Both the King of Scotland and Toussaint captivate our attention in their respective films, but which one would you want to tango with even less? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. There’s no denying that lepers are freaks of nature, which is maybe why they’re so compelling in cinema. Both the King of Scotland and Toussaint captivate our attention in their respective films, but which one would you want to tango with even less? Fight!

King of Scotland

The King of Scotland. The elder Robert the Bruce. Or even The Leper, as IMDB credits him. Call him what you will, he’s a far tougher leper than your simpleton, Toussaint. That is to say, it’s much more entertaining to watch him hobble around on screen. But it’s not like I’d ever share a Grand Slam at Denny’s with the guy. His face resembles bubbling pancake batter.

First off, The King of Scotland is…get this…A KING. That’s right, he rules a country, and the name of that country is Scotland. Does he give a shit that he’s dying from a horribly disfiguring disease? Nope! Well maybe. But he sure as hell doesn’t show any chinks in his armor. He watches over Scotland with an iron fist from a tiny room atop a tower. The only person he has any contact with is his son, Robert the Bruce. He’s diligently prepping Robert to become the next monarch, as he knows he can wrap his skin only so many times in bandages before it all slides off. The Leper doesn’t go about his lessons in a kind way either. Kings should not be softies. Take it from the man who hasn’t yet been sacked even though he appears to be in a weakened state. His people know you don’t eff with the leper. He might bite you and then you’ll get leprosy, or the 14th Century version of rabies.

Let’s dive right into The Leper’s philosophy on tough love. He LOVES it. He gives William Wallace over to Englan knowing full well that his son will despise him for it. In fact, he welcomes it. He tells him straight-out like an O.G., “Now you know what it is to hate. You are ready to be king.” And Robert the Bruce replies, “My hate will die with you.” Daaaaaaaaaaym. That’s ice cold. But The Leper stands by his decision. How can a man at the precipice of death be so stubborn? Because he doesn’t take any shit from anyone. It’s not a commendable trait, but it makes him one tough ookie cookie.

Going back to the betrayal of his son and William Wallace, he betrayed his own country in the process. That makes him a full-on traitor. The high crime of treason is the worst crime someone can commit. Pussies don’t mess with that felony. Only bad-asses do. Sure, he wanted to appease England and get his son in good over there, but turning your back on your own people is despicable. He knew full well that they’d rip Wallace limb from limb. Again, not commendable, but damn. If he’s doing all of this from some dank room in a tower, imagine what would happen if he could sit comfortably in his throne? The world should just thank its lucky stars that leprosy brought him down, because I’m not sure anyone or anything else could.

Toussaint

Leprosy isn’t exactly a hot topic in Hollywood. After all, lepers don’t make it out to a lot of movies, so they don’t exactly have a lot of clout in the industry. As they say, money talks, and disfiguring skin sores walk. But luckily for me, one of the few movie characters with leprosy also happens to be one tough son of a bitch. Of course, I’m talking about Toussaint from Papillon. But you already knew that, since this is a men’s movie site, and all men are required to watch Papillon.

Speaking of men, Toussaint was a real bad ass. Yeah, he had leprosy, but he wasn’t just your average punk-ass leper. No, no, no, my friend; Toussaint was chief of the lepers on the Island of Chacachacare , which was, in case you can’t figure it out, a leper colony! How bad ass is that? He basically had an army of disfigured ghouls ready to do his bidding. He even had some dogs up in that bitch. Aside from the whole leprosy thing, it was a real bad ass man pad.

But this was just his base of operations. When he wasn’t busy smoking cigars on his sun-drenched island paradise, or getting drunk on rum, he and his boys used to pull all sorts of gangster shit, like smuggling, or sneaking over to the mainland and stealing boats. Did the people on the mainland know who was stealing the boats? Probably. But who the hell is going to go over to a leper colony to get their boat back? If a leper steals my shit, he can go ahead and keep it. Luckily, I don’t write under my real name, because now that I put that out there, I bet there are a ton of lepers wanting to steal my shit. Not gonna happen, assholes.

But back to Toussaint. In the film, Papillon (as played by Steve McQueen) shows up looking for help after escaping from a nearby penal colony. But nobody, not even Steve McQueen, walks into Toussaint’s house without showing respect. In fact, it’s standard procedure to kill outsiders who show up in order not to jeopardize the thieving and smuggling. So when Papillon comes to town, he’s gotta pay the piper. He does so by taking a puff off of Toussaint’s cigar. This impresses Toussaint, who unbeknownst to Papillon, is not contagious. If you’ve ever wanted to see Steve McQueen look like he’s going to shit his pants, this is the scene to watch.

In the end, Toussaint and his lepers decide to take pity on the escaped prisoners, and provide them with supplies. They even pass the hat and round up some money for the men. Toussaint tells Papillon to go ahead and take it, since they are just going to blow the money on gambling and paying to bring in female lepers from another colony. That’s right! Even though Toussaint and his boys are horribly disfigured, they still know how to have a good time. Jesus, in high school I was worried about a few pimples. But Toussaint doesn’t even let a few thousand boils on his face stop him from getting laid.

In closing, despite of his disease, Toussaint manages to become the leader of his own island, which he uses as a base of operations for smuggling in order to fund is appetite for gambling and whores. Oh, and he scares the shit out of Steve McQueen. Is there any question that he’s the toughest leper in cinema history?

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Wonder Woman’s New Outfit: Super Heroic Or Super Heinous? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/wonder-womans-new-outfit-super-heroic-or-super-heinous/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/wonder-womans-new-outfit-super-heroic-or-super-heinous/#comments Fri, 18 Mar 2011 23:47:25 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=202584 Does Palicki pull off the tightly-fitted ensemble, or should she add a bag of candy to mask its lameness? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Today, NBC released an official still of Adrianne Palicki sporting the new Wonder Woman outfit, causing a nerdruption across the Internet. Does Palicki pull off the tightly-fitted ensemble, or should she add a bag of candy to mask its lameness? Writer B Hunt takes on the counterpoint in this week’s installment. Fight!

Super Heroic

Despite the staggering amount of grown men taking to the Internet to claim otherwise, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the new Wonder Woman costume. Is it stupid? Yes. Is it impractical? Yes. Is it tacky? Yes. Is it sexist? Well, if you want to be a bitch about it, yes. It’s all of those things. In other words, it’s everything a Wonder Woman costume should be!

Don’t kid yourself. Wonder Woman is a stupid character. As such, it’s fitting that she have a stupid costume. She was created in 1941, which wasn’t exactly the age of enlightenment when it comes to women’s lib. You know how women are treated on Mad Men? Well, Wonder Woman was created about 20-years before that. You can almost hear the comic writers thinking her up as an afterthought.

“Hey fellas! Isn’t it cute that women these days think they’re people? Let’s give ‘em a comic character of their own so we can sell more ads for nylons and vacuum cleaners.”

The character is also extremely generic. When it came time to give her super powers, they literally gave her all of them. She can fly like Superman, she can run like the Flash, she can talk to animals like Aquaman, and she can fight like Batman. The only thing she can’t do is piss in a campfire. It’s as if they knew they were only making one female superhero, so they had to go for broke.

Now, given that she’s a generic afterthought of a character created in a highly sexist age, doesn’t the costume make sense? It’s reminiscent of the original, but not a carbon copy. At least in this version, she’s wearing pants. It’s a lot better than what poor Lynda Carter had to work with. Have you ever tried to fight crime with your thighs exposed? Trust me, it’s hard.

And yes, the colors are gaudy, but they’re supposed to be. I’ve seen the new Captain America outfit, which is drab. It works fine for that character, but Wonder Woman is supposed to look like a glorified stripper. If they had come out with a toned down outfit, the same people would be bitching about how the designers turned their back on the character’s history.

In closing, I ask you to look at the picture. What do you see? I see giant breasts being lifted and separated. I see form-fitting pants giving a nice look at Adrianne Palicki’s dumper. I see a bunch of stupid accessories that are supposedly for crim fighting but are pretty much just hooker jewelry. In other words, I see a Wonder Woman outfit. It is what it is.

Super Heinous

Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Look at that costume. There are amateur cosplay outfits that are better. And not the awesome crazy Japanese ones. I’m talking fat-white-guy-at-Comic-Con-dressed-up-like-Wolverine’s-fat-diabetic-brother-who-has-aluminum-foil-wrapped-around-cardboard-for-claws-type cosplay. This suit is like what you get when you don’t make plans for Halloween and then at the last minute your friends convince you to go to a house party because it’ll be chill and there will be all these single girls there and multiple kegs and Rob’s cousin is DJing and he’s not so bad so you go to Rite Aid at 8 PM and this piece of crap is the only thing left but at least it’s ironic and funny that you would dress up in such a cheap, horrible costume.

I don’t even know where to start. We’ll ignore her whore makeup and rat hair, since technically that’s someone else’s mistake. First, her hot pants are made out of someone’s old exercise ball and will probably only appeal to the latex pervs out there. The color is WAY off. Don’t they know everyone’s going darker these days? X-Men, Spider-man, Singer’s Superman. The light blue reads so, so poorly. Hell, even the new costume in the comic went with dark blue pants. I daresay Lynda Carter’s patriotic spanx look better.

The corset is probably the least offensive (fashion-wise) of the whole get up. At least it looks like someone took the time to tailor it (although if Adrianne so much as looks at a slice of pizza she’ll be busting seams on that thing), though it’s still made of shoddy vinyl or plastic or whatever it is. It’s also designed to give off as much glare as possible so that Wonder Woman won’t have to worry about going unnoticed. Batman is face-palming right now.

Her boots are like leftovers from some Power Rangers spin-off that wasn’t quite quality enough to bother translating to English. Her wrist bands look like trash—literally. Maybe she can take them off and string some twine between the two of them and make a soup can phones. How is she supposed to deflect bullets with a couple empty cans of Steel Reserve? And don’t get me started on the gold crest. Excuse me, did I say “gold?” I meant “cheap plastic.” And then they tacked that junk on liberally.

I understand it’s a TV show, and hence under tighter budget-restraints than the big dogs in the movie world, but you can’t have your super hero rolling around in an outfit that was made for less than a buck in some Shenzhen sweat shop. For anyone wondering how you could make someone as hot as Adrianne Palicki look terrible, well A) why would you wonder something like that and B) I think you have your answer.

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Who Would You Rather Be Stranded In The Woods With: Busey Or Cage? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/who-would-you-rather-be-stranded-in-the-woods-with-busey-or-cage/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/who-would-you-rather-be-stranded-in-the-woods-with-busey-or-cage/#comments Sat, 12 Mar 2011 00:56:52 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=201341 If you woke up in the wilderness with either Gary Busey or Nicolas Cage, who would you trust to get you out alive? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. If you woke up in the wilderness with either Gary Busey or Nicolas Cage, who would you trust to get you out alive? Fight!

Gary Busey

God help me if I ever wake up in the woods with either Nic Cage or Gary Busey. Either prospect is terrifying, and no one should ever have to experience such horror. But if, God forbid, I were to end up in such a situation, I would much rather wake up next to Gary Busey. That may be the first time in history anyone has ever written that, but it’s true.

First of all, let’s get one thing straight: Gary Busey ain’t what he used to be. Ten years ago, I might have chosen Cage. Busey in his prime is not something to fuck with. Have you ever seen Surviving the Game? It involves Busey hunting a man in the woods for sport. Does that sound like the kind of guy you want to be stranded with?

But today’s Busey is a shell of his former self. He’s 66 years old. These days, the only thing he’s hunting for is Metamucil and Fiber One at the grocery store. I’m not in the best of shape, but if you put me against a 66 year old, there’s a 99% chance I’m coming out on top. Compare that to a 47-year-old Nic Cage.

So, we’ve established that Busey is less of a threat. But at the end of the day, having a decrepit old man in the woods doesn’t really help matters, either. However, keep in mind, Busey is insane, and that could really come in handy. Have you seen “Celebrity Apprentice”? Last week, they told him to put on a suit that was too small, walk around the streets of New York, and throw pepperoni slices at people. And without batting an eye, he did it. Imagine how useful that could be in the woods!

Hey Gary, see if there are any animals in that cave!

Hey Gary, see if you can get the honey out of that bees nest.

Hey Gary, cut off your own arm so we can eat it.

And remember what the wise man said about being chased by a bear. You don’t have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the guy running next to you. So in case of a bear attack, it’s a good idea to keep an old man around. Besides knowing Busey, he probably wouldn’t even run from the bear. He’d go over and try to talk to it, and maybe teach it a thing or two about Jesus through the use of his patented Busey-isims. Meanwhile, I’m halfway out of the woods.

Would Busey be the first person I’d chose to be stranded with? No. But all things considered, I feel he could prove to be a real asset. Nic Cage, on the other hand, can’t even seem to survive with millions of dollars to his name. He already managed to lose all of his money, and the guy was richer than the pope. Is that really the type of guy you’re going to put in charge of rationing the acorns you’ve foraged? I think not. Busey wins, hands down.

Nic Cage

If I suddenly came to in the woods, I’d want to look over and see Nic Cage staring back at me with that sly grin of his. My guess would be he’s already been in that situation before. He probably gets lost in the wilderness for kicks, and then passes off advice to Bear Grylls so he looks all bad-ass on his TV show. Busey may be a crazy mo-fo, but Cage would BECOME a warrior, not just act like one.

Cage invented a brand new method of acting called Nouveau Shamanic. It basically affords him the ability to run around like a bat-shit crazy lunatic and refer to it as acting. He has justified his own madness and labeled it with an equally ridiculous name. That means not only will his body be lost in the woods, but his mind will be as well. For argument’s sake, let’s say Cage fancies himself a wolf, because he most likely would convince himself that he is in fact a wolf. The splayed open deer carcass next to his tracks and the smeared blood on his face would immediately tip me off. He’d shove a handful of entrails in my face and I’d indulge for fear of pissing off the beast. We’d both be well feed before heading off for civilization.

Let’s say we encounter a bear in the woods, as it of course picked up the scent of deer blood. Cage has been married three times. Once to an Arquette and once to a Presley. A bear is child’s play at this point. Cage would let out a primal scream that would make the bear reconsider its existence. But bears are stubborn creatures, so naturally a wrestling match would ensue. And Cage is not above biting. I’m not saying that Cage would dominate the entire time, as this struggle could last a good hour, but in the end he’d emerge victorious. Why? Because not even a bear has enough stamina to out last Cage. The man does 4-5 movies a year.

So the bear is dead. Now it’s time to quit screwing around. Cage would bust his satellite phone. He didn’t do this in the first place because his intention was to fight a bear. Within minutes an Apache helicopter would be hovering over us. Did you forget that Cage loves to waste money almost as much as he loves overacting? Oh I mean putting Nouveau Shemanic into practice? In 1997 Cage broke the auction record for Lamborghinis when he placed a bid on a rare Miura SVJ for US$490,000. He makes around 40 million dollars a year. Cage could buy and sell Busey, then invest in some better art for his samurai sword room.  Anyway, we’d climb up the rope ladder and be flown to safety.

None of these assumptions though trump the fact that Gary Busey hunts humans. Just wait for that old man to have a flashback, think he’s back on the set of Surviving The Game, and you’re deader than Ice-T’s rap career.

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Creepier Serial Killer: Buffalo Bill Or John Doe? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/creepier-serial-killer-buffalo-bill-or-john-doe/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/creepier-serial-killer-buffalo-bill-or-john-doe/#comments Sat, 05 Mar 2011 00:48:27 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=101540 Both Silence of the Lambs and Se7en feature exceptional psychopaths, but which character made you more uneasy about the human condition.

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Both Silence of the Lambs and Se7en feature exceptional psychopaths, but which character made you more uneasy about the human condition.

Buffalo Bill

When it comes to cinematic serial killers, there’s no debate. Buffalo Bill is the most terrifying psychopath in movie history, or my name isn’t Jame Gumb. OK, fine. My name isn’t really Jame Gumb, but Buffalo Bill’s is. That’s gotta prove something.

Granted, John Doe is a creepy, creepy dude. He tortures and murders his victims via horribly sadistic yet oddly specific methods. He chops a pregnant woman’s head off and gives it to her husband (and getting himself murdered in the process) just to prove a point. But his creepiness isn’t even in the same league as Buffalo Bill.

Let’s look at the facts.

First: Buffalo Bill collects moths. That’s right; the bug. No, not butterflies. I’m talking about the butterfly’s ugly, useless, fabric-eating cousin. No one in their right mind wants moths in their home. People buy specific balls to keep moths out. But not Bill. He’s fascinated by them.

Next, Buffalo Bill owns a poodle A single man with a poodle is about an 8 on the ol’ creepy scale. Obviously, gay guys get a pass on the poodle issue. Speaking of gay guys, is Buffalo Bill gay? He’s fucked a few dudes in his day, that’s for sure. Also, he killed the man who stole one of his male lovers by cutting off all his skin. That’s pretty creepy.

But Bill’s not really a homosexual. He’s not even a tranny. He’s a deranged wannabe tranny. What’s a deranged wannabe tranny? It’s a guy who wants to cut off his junk, but is too mentally disturbed to qualify for the sexual reassignment surgery. That’s pretty god damn crazy.

So, Bill is a moth-loving, poodle owning single guy who wants to carve himself a man-gina. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. When he’s denied sexual reassignment surgery, he decides the best course of action would be to make his own lady-skin suit out of fat girls. That’s a solid plan. I guess Bill should just go kill some fat girls and steal their skin, right? Wrong. If you want to make a skin suit, it’s important to loosen the skin before you cut it off. In order to do this, Bill has to capture fat girls, hold them against their will in a pit he dug in his basement, and slowly starve them for months before finally killing them and removing their flesh. Ya feel me? This guy is one creepy fuck.

So, that’s not enough? Well, Bill loves to dance. Specifically, he likes to shove his cock between is legs and dance around while wearing nothing but women’s makeup and a cape. He then flutters the cape, mimicking the wings of his beloved moths. Still not enough? Fine. He killed his grandparents when he was 12. He has a swastika blanket. Honestly; what more do you want, people?

At the end of the day, what makes Bill more terrifying than John Doe is the way he picks his victims, and his motive for killing them. John Doe, as crazy as he is, is murdering people he feels are sinners, and is doing so to prove a point. It’s a crazy man’s point, but you can at least wrap your head around his logic.  Buffalo Bill, on the other hand, is kidnapping, torturing, and killing innocent fat girls in order to take their skin and make himself into a lady. That’s sheer fucking lunacy, and it makes Bill far more terrifying.

John Doe

There is no doubt in my mind that Buffalo Bill is insane. He made a suit out of the skin of fat girls. People with brains that work correctly don’t engage in such hobbies. The dancing with the penis tucked between his legs. Ehhhhhhh, we’ve all tried it. Just maybe to a different song. But I digress. John Doe, played by Kevin Spacey in Se7en, is more disturbing than Buffalo Bill by leaps and bounds. His cold, calculating nature would send shivers up even Manson’s spine. Charles and Marilyn.

Doe has been psychotic for longer than anyone can tell or remember. He’s made sure of this by erasing all traces of his existence. His legal name is John Doe. The guy cuts off his fingertips! Do you know how much trouble one would have to go to maintain that kind of lifestyle? The only way you can delve into his history or the fucked up thoughts that constantly run through his mind is by reading the hundreds and hundreds of journals he stores in his dimly lit apartment. And no sick observance is too mundane to not make the cut. He writes about the time he laughed about puking on a guys shoes on the subway. I don’t know about you, but when that happens I don’t record it for later reflection.

The plan to murder his victims based on each sin in the Bible is utterly disturbing in its brilliance and elaborateness. I need only to go through them to prove Doe’s absolutely incomprehensible behavior. After all, it’s the things we don’t understand that frighten us the most.

“Gluttony” – He forces an insanely obese man to eat until he literally bursts. He also throws a couple scraps of metal in his meal just so the detectives can find his markings behind the fridge. Hell of a way to kick off a murder spree.

“Greed” – He makes a lawyer commit hari kari. When it comes to attorneys, we’ve all had this impulse, but we don’t act on it. Then the detectives discover fingerprints behind the lawyer’s artwork that lead them to…

“Sloth” – Doe’s been keeping a man alive for a year! He looks like a rotted out corpse, yet he still has a pulse, and oh, has eaten his tongue for sustenance. Also, he’s surrounded by jars of piss.

“Lust” – A knife strap-on dildo is used to kill a prostitute. Knife. Strap-on. Dildo. And this thing was custom made. You know how sometimes mom’s get quilts constructed from their kid’s old t-shirts? It’s like that, except it’s a knife dick. NOT FOR SANE PEOPLE.

“Pride” – He cuts off a woman’s nose and glues a phone to one hand and a pill bottle to the other. Pretty effective way of making his point. I would have just yelled “Stuck up bitch!” at her from the sidewalk.

“Envy” and “Wrath” – In order to complete his masterpiece, Doe actually turns himself in to the police, specifically Detective Mills. Because he envies Mills’s life, he cut off the head of his pregnant wife and had it shipped to him in the middle of nowhere. Doe knew this would upset Mills more than a little, and planned on Mills becoming wrath and shooting him dead. And that’s exactly how it went down. It was all a game for Doe, and like any superb player, he knew how it was going to end before it even began.

In conclusion, Buffalo Bill has a fondness for moths, poodles, and fat chicks. I had a guy in my Freshman Biology class who fit the same profile, but he didn’t exactly make my blood curdle. John Doe turned the world into his own personal board game. And had a knife dildo custom made.

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The Oscars: Top Honor Or Circle Jerk? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/the-oscars-top-honor-or-circle-jerk/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/the-oscars-top-honor-or-circle-jerk/#comments Sat, 26 Feb 2011 01:25:15 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=30455 This Sunday, millions will tune in to watch The Academy Awards, but does the little gold statue really represent greatness, or are the celebs just kissing ass? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. This Sunday, millions will tune in to watc The Academy Awards, but does the little gold statue really represent greatness, or are the celebs just kissing ass? Fight!

Top Honor

The Oscars is without a doubt a self-congratulatory lovefest, but it’s also a well-respected ceremony that’s distinctions should not be looked down upon. We’re not talking about The Golden Globes here. No one even knows who the hell votes on the Globes. It’s the Hollywood Foreign Press, but who the hell comprises that? The Masons might as well be bestowing the honors. The Academy Awards are voted on by peers in the entertainment industry. It’s friends deciding on friends, or enemies deciding on enemies. Either way, performances are being evaluated and judged by people who work in the craft themselves. An actor can be just as easily snubbed as he is honored. And you know Jack Nicholson isn’t voting for a certain nominee just because the studio promised him an entire week in Fiji.

Politics are part of the game. Hell, they’re part of any game. But that shouldn’t discredit the entire ceremony. Studios spend gobs of money campaigning for their films. Why wouldn’t you push for the Academy members to see what many talented people have spent months toiling on? Hundreds of screeners go out. Nominated actors and actresses do press junkets and plaster on fake smiles. Everyone’s pulling the same tricks, and it spreads the word, but in the end it really all comes down to the final product. If Natalie Portman wins for Best Actress this year it won’t be because she kissed a lot of ass over the past couple months (which she didn’t do much of anyway), it’ll be because she delivered a damn powerful performance in Black Swan. If The King’s Speech wins Best Picture, it’ll be because it honestly was the best picture of the year. At least according to The Academy. And of course it’s all subjective. It’s art. But this isn’t the People’s Choice Awards. It’s THE ACADEMY Awards. Did you see what won Best Picture at this year’s People’s Choice? The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Shoot me in the fucking head. That’s what democracy gets us. I’ll put my trust in The Academy, thank you.

Let’s also not forget how much America loves movies and celebrity culture. Just what garment an actress struts in down the red carpet can cause an uprising on social media platforms. People NEED to tune into this shit. It gives them a certain sense of satisfaction to see their favorite celebrities receive accolades. In fact, the nominees usually receive a boost in box office numbers, and the winners an even bigger boost. You didn’t think the studios were shelling out all the cheddar for nothing, did you? The show itself is a little overdramatic, but you have to keep viewers interested for 3+ hours. The musical numbers are for the moms, the revealing gowns are for the dads, and the whole giving out the awards parts are for the cinema lovers who are lucky enough to not be so jaded they can’t at least appreciate the novelty of it.

An Oscar isn’t a Noble Peace Prize, but it’s the highest honor in the entertainment industry. People love getting them, people love giving them, and people love watching them being given and gotten. No one’s getting hurt, and the few lucky stars who do end up winning one often go on to do even greater things. Unless they’re Cuba Gooding Jr.

Circle Jerk

It’s Oscar time. You know what that means? Absolutely nothing!

The Oscars are the biggest circle jerk in Hollywood, a town internationally renowned for its circle jerks. Every year, the “Academy” feels the need to waste over three hours of everyone’s time with an overly dramatic, sanctimonious ceremony at which ego-maniacal assholes present each other with awards for playing make believe. Honestly, do we need to spend that much time congratulating someone who pretends for a living. Don’t get me wrong; I love movies, but if you get to star in them, that is your fucking reward. You shouldn’t need a statue to go along with it.

The entire show could be wrapped up in an hour, but then I suppose we wouldn’t have time for all of the ass kissing. For starters, there’s the obligatory movie montages. Look, I love classic films as much as the next guy, but how much is it going to change from year to year? We get it. Bette Davis was a good actress. Hey look, it’s a clip of William Holden. Awesome. Gosh, I sure hope they remembered to include Cecil B. Demille. Oh good. They did. Thank God.

And then there are the musical numbers. I know when I tune in to a show about cinema I’m expecting to see a bunch of dick heads prancing around in tights doing interpretive dances. That just screams “movie magic.”

And how can we forget the in memoriam portion of the show, where Hollywood honors those in the business who passed away during the previous year. This should be a somber touching moment, but instead, it turns into little more than a popularity contest. Rather than hold their applause until the end, which would be the decent thing to do, those in attendance can’t wait to cheer wildly for their favorites. After all, screw that no-name film editor who gave 60-years of his life to cinema.

And then there are the awards themselves, which are a joke. I’m not saying that from time to time the best person or film doesn’t win. But often, it’s simply not the case. I understand that some people get lucky and are in the right place at the right time. But Marisa Tomei? Whoopi fucking Goldberg? Give me break. There’s nothing worse than watching some flavor of the month sneak in and scoop up the awar knowing full well that some many talented people will go to their grave without ever getting the slightest bit of recognition. Yeah, not everyone can win, but Cuba Gooding Jr.? Fuck me.

Which brings me to my last point. How do you even begin to decide who is the best actor or actress? Unless everyone is playing the same part, it’s totally subjective. Should someone who is playing a long-dead king of England be compared to someone who is playing a 20-year-old smart ass in a hoodie? And why bother to separate the awards by sex? We’re not lifting weights or menstruating. Do men have some sort of advantage in the acting department? It’s all bullshit. The only thing that saves this show is the fact that the Grammys and the Golden Globes are even worse.

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Better Movie President: James Marshall Or Thomas Whitmore? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-movie-president-james-marshall-or-thomas-whitmore/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-movie-president-james-marshall-or-thomas-whitmore/#comments Sat, 19 Feb 2011 01:27:33 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=28883 Commander In Chief is a hard enough job without having to fight Russian terrorists and aliens.

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. The role of Commander In Chief is a hard enough job without having to fight Russian terrorists and aliens, but which movie president represented our country to the fullest? Fight!

President James Marshall

When comparing these two characters, the knee-jerk reaction is to side with President Thomas J. Whitmore from Independence Day. After all, he led the final battle against an alien invasion and saved the human race from extinction. But if one stops and ponders President Whitmore’s actions for more than 30 seconds, you can’t help but come to the conclusion that Whitmore is an incompetent fool. In fact, I’m going to come right out and say it. If President James Marshall from Air Force One had been president during the alien invasion, millions, if not billions of lives would have been spared. The fact of the matter is that unlike Whitmore, President Marshall isn’t afraid to make the hard choices.

Obviously, President Whitemore is a brave man. And I have no choice to concede that he faced a much tougher opponent. But since both men faced radically different situations, all we can do is judge each of their reactions in the face of adversity.

Let’s start with Whitemore. When aliens showed up at our doorstep and began positioning their ships atop every major city in the world, how did he react to this blatant threat? Did he immediately launch an attack? Did he fire up the nuclear missiles? Did he, at the very least, order an evacuation of our major cities? No. He told everyone to stay put, and sent up a helicopter equipped with some pretty lights to make contact with our new “friends.” Guess what happened? They shot down the chopper, and then destroyed every city on the planet in a raging inferno. Anyone who was dumb enough to listen to Whitmore ended up a charred piece of meat at the hands of our new alien overlords.

Hey, we all make mistakes. At least Whitmore then realized that the aliens we’re out for blood and that it was time to bring out the nukes, right? Wrong. Even after the genocidal attack on our beloved Earth, Whitmore still refused to launch the nukes. He even went as far as to try and reason with a captured alien P.O.W. It was only after he was personally attacked by said alien that he decided to give the nukes a try. Many of you will bring up the fact that the nuclear attack did not work. You’re missing the point. Whitmore was too much off an ideologue to even consider using our most powerful weapons, even when faced with our race’s extinction. And when he finally decided to “nuke the bastards,” it was for personal reasons. Once the alien hurt his pride, he was more than happy to throw his “principles” to the wind. If that’s not grounds for impeachment, I don’t know what is.

Now, let’s look at President James Marshall. Again fighting eastern European terrorists is a cakewalk compared to dealing with a massive alien invasion, but let’s not forget that when Air Force One was hijacked, Marshall and his family had their lives on the line. After all, Gary Oldman is nothing to fuck with. But how did Marshall react? Did he pussyfoot around and try to negotiate with the terrorists? Did he take his chance and evacuate when he had the chance? No. He chose to stay with his family, he immediately started kicking ass and taking names, and he wasn’t afraid to use all of the tools at his disposal to get the job done. Unlike Whitmore, Marshall understands that sometimes you have to make tough choices. That’s why, when push came to shove, Marshall ordered his own planes to fire a missile at Air Force One in order to knock his captors off guard. He knew the plane would take evasive maneuvers, but there was no guarantee that he, his family, and everyone on board wouldn’t be killed. But despite the risk, he knew it was his only option. As such, he manned up and made a choice.

In the end, Marshall took back the plane, killed the terrorists and saved his wife and daughter. What happened to Whitmore’s wife. Oh yeah; she fucking died. Advantage, Marshall. Case closed.

President Thomas Whitmore

Your president had to fend off Russian terrorists on his expansive, comfortable jet. Hmmm, that’s nice. We should discuss it over a couple of boba teas sometime. But for right now, let me lay out how in Independence Day President James Whitmore had to rid the world of ALIENS. That’s right, beastly creatures from another planet with no other desire than to eliminate the human race. It’s wasn’t just Whitmore’s family and cabinet turning to him for an answer; it was the entire damn United States of America. Gary Oldman in a goatee suddenly doesn’t seem so intimidating.

There is no contingency plan for aliens. At least not the kind of aliens that cross the border of Earth. When terrorists attack our homeland, government officials abide by certain rules that have been put into place. Mainly, the U.S. does not negotiate with terrorists. It would be nice to have even something as simple as that to repeat to the aliens ad nauseam, but no. President Whitmore didn’t have a guide or a congressman to consult about extra terrestrial invasions procedures. Not that it would have mattered if he did considering the aliens in the ID4 communicate telepathically. He had no prior experiences or tactics to go off of for a basis for his decisions. Imagine arguing a case in court without the precedent of previous rulings. Now imagine staving off dreadlocked aliens without ever having met one outside of the sci-fi fan fiction you think I don’t know you write.

As far as Whitmore’s hesitancy using nuclear weapons goes, thank God he doesn’t have an itchy trigger finger like you. I appreciate you taunting him like a schoolyard bully, though. Perhaps with a more stringent upbringing he would have jumped right to pounding his fist on the launch button. Why try to find a peaceful resolution when you can skip to blowing everything the fuck up? How impulsive of you to suggest such extreme measures. He’s the Commander In Chief for a reason – he’s pragmatic when others are impetuous. The way you paint him, you make it sound as if he should be the Secretary of Defense, not the Secretary of Defense’s boss. Whitmore proved he is a man of action by at first showing his restraint. He tried reasoning. He tried understanding. He didn’t immediately order Def Con 5 like he wasn’t gambling with 6 billion lives.

Finally, at the end the film, Whitmore joined the front lines alongside his people and flew a goddamn fighter jet around those alien pieces of shit like he was Maverick in Top Gun. He pissed full blast into a hurricane while your guy merely dribbled into a breeze. So to summarize, in the case of Marshall v. Whitmore, the jury finds Whitmore guilty of being more bad-ass. Court is adjourned.

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Should Schwarzenegger Return To Action Movies? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/should-schwarzenegger-return-to-action-movies/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/should-schwarzenegger-return-to-action-movies/#comments Sat, 12 Feb 2011 01:11:10 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=26553 Earlier this week, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he's actively searching for his next starring role, but should he consider an action-packed film? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Earlier this week, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he’s actively searching for his next starring role, but should he consider an action-packed film? Fight!

Get To Da Choppa!

Arnold Schwarzenegger is accepting film offers for the first time in seven years, and the question on everyone’s mind is “what’s next?” Will the Terminator spurn his action roots, taking a more dignified, Eastwood-esque approach to choosing roles, or will he return to the genre that made him the most recognized movie star in the world? While the actor himself has hinted at the former, turning his back on action films would be a huge mistake.

I know the arguments against. He’s too old to be an action star. He’s been gone too long. Returning now will come across as a pathetic attempt to relive his glory years. And I while I completely agree that they are all legitimate concerns, these outcomes are not set in stone. If Schwarzenegger takes the right approach, he’ll be back on top of his game in no time.

First of all, is Schwarzenegger too old to be an action star? Has he been gone to long? Considering the popularity of The Expendables, I think that’s completely debatable. If anything, moviegoers are feeling nostalgic for the action stars of yesterday. The Expendables was a crap movie, but it still killed at the box office. Why? Because audiences want to see familiar faces in familiar roles. Is a 60-year-old man running around fighting ninjas entirely unbelievable? Yes. But so is a 20-year-old man hanging off the side of an airplane shooting a handgun. With these movies, it’s not about believability. It’s about fun.

Besides, an action role doesn’t necessarily require Arnie to be running around with his shirt off, round-house kicking everyone in sight. Hypothetically, if he were to do another Terminator film, all you really need to see is his face, and special effects would do the rest. That said, another Terminator film would be a horrible move, and would play into the “trying to relive the past” argument. But how much of a stretch would it be to see Schwarzenegger piloting a robotic exoskeleton in the next Avatar film? Considering his previous work with James Cameron, it could totally happen.

But all other arguments aside, those who argue that Schwarzenegger needs to move away from the action genre are forgetting one important fact: he can’t act! Unlike Eastwood, Arnold doesn’t have the chops to pull off anything besides action, with the possible exception of comedy. And even his attempts at humor have been hit or miss. Sure, you’ve got Twins and Kindergarten Cop, but you’ve also got Junior and Jingle All The Way. He may be a star, but he’s not an actor. Somehow, I can’t see him working in the next Tom Hooper period piece.

Of course, if Schwarzenegger wants to try his hand at other types of projects, I can’t fault him for that. But he has to remember that action is his bread and butter. After all, the name Schwarzenegger is synonyms with action. Branching out is one thing, but turning your back the films that made you is another.

Hasta La Vista

Let me start by saying I love Arnold Schwarzenegger action movies more than life itself. And it is for this very reason that I don’t wish to see a new one. Arnold is an icon for testosterone-fueled cinema. His roles and films are legendary, and we could repeat his many memorable lines of dialogue ad nauseam. So isn’t that how we want him to remain in our memory?

You can say Arnie isn’t too old to pull of his usual tricks, but the fact is, he’s kinda old. Not one foot in the grave old, but limited mobility and achy joints old. There’s no way in hell he could execute the stunts he used to, nor should he. At 63 I’m just glad to see him looking as fit as he does. Let’s not push it. The man still puffs on Cubans like they’re going out of style. Tar filled lungs don’t make it any easier to catch your breath after sprinting a few city blocks. Nor does it make your 63-year-old heart pump any stronger. Also, did you check out his face in The Expendables? He looked tired, and not up for any missions that required more energy than strutting in and out of a church.

I’d like to bring up Harrison Ford at this time. I think we all saw the last Indiana Jones movie, and we were all deeply saddened by it. Not only was the movie a pile of hackneyed crap, but Harrison Ford just felt too…OLD. I love Ford too, and my intention isn’t to badmouth him, but damn if he didn’t look exhausted in that movie. There were times I wanted to climb into the screen, pull him up a chair, and attach an oxygen mask to his face. I don’t want this to happen to our dear, dear Arnie. I don’t want to sit in a darkened theater and feel sorry for the man. It would be such a tremendous let down, especially after psyching myself up for a new action flick starring the one and only Arnold Schwarzenegger.

You say Arnie can’t act, but I don’t believe that’s entirely true. Sure, he’s not going to win an Oscar, but James Cameron could alway extract a believable performance from him. Granted, playing an emotionless robot helped. But even in True Lies, he delivers laughs and drama. Perhaps he could find a role that isn’t as demanding physically, but tests Arnie’s acting skills. Of course a scene or two of action would be warranted for old time’s sake. Let’s just not have him handling a gatling gun or hanging off of a helicopter if he’s going to look pale and sweaty afterwards.

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Better NFL Player Cameo: Marino Or Favre? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-nfl-player-cameo-marino-or-favre/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-nfl-player-cameo-marino-or-favre/#comments Sat, 05 Feb 2011 00:54:28 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=25001 Dan Marino appeared in Ace Ventura and Brett Favre appeared in There's Something About Mary, but which player did the most with the little on-screen time given to them? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Dan Marino appeared in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and Brett Favre appeared in There’s Something About Mary, but which player did the most with the little on-screen time given to them? Fight!

Dan Marino

Marino brought a gravitas to his appearance in Ace Ventura that Brett Favre couldn’t even begin to understand. Seriously, ask Brett Favre what “gravitas” is. He’ll probably drool on you. I’m genuinely surprised that Favre could even say the dialogue correctly in There’s Something About Mary. I’d love to cue up that outtake reel. You could probably wrap it around his giant head twice. Marino has class, poise, and utter commitment to his role. Hell, he was probably excited as hell to do it, and not just because it was a Jim Carrey movie. Back then there wasn’t even such a thing. It was just a movie starring the white guy from “In Living Color.” But Marino was more than happy to insert himself in a gripping tale of a kidnapped porpoise.

When Marino pops up on screen, you’re instantly captivated. “Shit, is that Dan Marino selling Isotoner gloves? I know this is a fake commercial but I really want a pair now.” I’m certain O.J. thought that very thing. Why else would he use them in the “alleged” murder of his wife Nicole? I’m not saying that Marino is a soothsayer, but he is. And then in the middle of his commercial shoot, two massive guys carry Marino away. I swear it almost takes a third. He’s fightin’. The dismay and panic in his baby blue eyes say it all. You look into Favre’s eyes and there’s nothing. NOTHING. Except maybe a working list of girls he assumes want to see him diddle himself.

Marino is a real trooper for agreeing to be tied to a chair for an inordinate amount of time. After all, the kidnapping has to look authentic. The shoot could have taken hours. The man needs blood to get to his throwing arm! But when it gets down to it, none of this even matters when you consider Marino’s crucial involvement in the film’s conclusion. He solves the entire damn case for Ace! He spots those absolutely horrifying hemorrhoids in Einhorn’s panties. Need I say more? Without Marino’s keen eye, Finkle would have gotten away scot-free. Favre just got dissed by Cameron Diaz. Ooooof. That’s enough to make anyone want to hole up in their room and jerk off in a pair of Crocs.

Brett Favre

If you’re arguing Dan Marino vs. Brett Favre in terms of a better player, I’ll take Marino any day of the week. True, Marino never got a ring, but even so, I think he’s the superior QB. Favre might hold more records, but that tends to happen when you hang around the NFL well past your prime. Marino knew how to go out with some dignity, rather than wearing out his welcome and making a fool out of himself by texting pictures of his dick. Favre could have learned a thing or two from watching Dan.

That being said, when it comes to movie cameos, Favre has the better role. Ace Ventura is a hilarious film, and Marino plays a major part. I can’t even look at him without thinking “Laces out.” But comparing Ace Ventura to There’s Something About Mary is like comparing the Arena League to the NFL. TSAM is a classic, and Brett Favre’s cameo is the punchline to one of the funnier jokes in the film.

For those of you who don’t remember, There’s Something About Mary tells the story of a beautiful woman (Mary) and a group of deranged suitors who are competing to win her heart. Through out the film, Mary makes references to her old boyfriend, Brett, who broke her heart. As the film progresses, it is revealed that one of Mary’s other suitors framed Brett in order to end the relationship. Toward the end of the film, another suitor discovers the duplicity, and attempts to reunite the couple. It is only at the very end of the film that we realize that Brett is actually Brett Favre.

The cameo itself is very brief. I’d be surprised if Favre gets even five minutes of screen time. But it is the hilarious punchline to a joke that was 90 minutes in the making. This is perfect, especially from a non-actor. Favre can’t act his way out of a paper bag, but he doesn’t have to. His role is short and sweet. This stands in sharp contrast to Marino, who isn’t exactly Marlon Brando. He plays a much larger role in Ace Ventura, and it’s asking too much of him.

In short, Favre’s role is everything a cameo should be. It’s short, it’s hilarious, and it cleverly fits into the plot. Marino has a subpar part in a mediocre film.

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Better Fictional Sport: Quidditch Or Pod Racing? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-fictional-sport-quidditch-or-pod-racing/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-fictional-sport-quidditch-or-pod-racing/#comments Sat, 29 Jan 2011 00:54:03 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=23264 Quidditch and pod racing would both make kick-ass sports if the physics governing our planet allowed them to be played as they are in their respective films, but which team would you sign up for first? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Quidditch and pod racing would both make kick-ass sports if the physics governing our planet allowed them to be played as they are in their respective films, but which team would you sign up for first? Fight!

Quidditch

If Quidditch could be played like it’s played in the Harry Potter movies it would be bigger in the U.S. than football and bigger in the world than football (soccer). The sport itself and the rules are more engaging than pod racing. Why watch a bunch of machines do circles when you could witness a hardcore battle play out in front of your eyes? There are goals, quaffles, snitches, bludgers – so many elements that contribute to an edge of your seat experience. Pod racing has pods. Yay… Also, each team in Quidditch is made up of seven players – three chasers, two beaters, one keeper, and one seeker. Pod racing has drivers. So the requirement to play is a driver’s license. I’ll sign my senile grandmother up. The government doesn’t feel she’s a hazard on the road so why should your league’s commission.

Since we’re on the subject of players, the athletes who excel at Quidditch require a very important attribute. TALENT. They need all the minor skills of your pod racers, but in addition to those, they need agility, stamina, flexibility, strength, and superior reflexes. Your racers could be fat-asses who know how to press a gas peddle and turn a wheel. When you think of a world-class athlete do you think of Adrian Peterson or Jeff Gordon? There’s no doubt that they’re both the best at what they do, but Peterson is the best at a more demanding sport. Toddlers and retarded, annoying as shit aliens are allowed to participate in pod racing. Anything, and I mean ANYTHING, that lets a Jar Jar Binks even get within shouting distance of it does not deserve recognition as a serious and respectable endeavor.

Let’s talk about flying for a minute, because I think we can both agree that flying is awesome. Your pods do hover, oh yes they do, but my brooms travel to glorious heights in the atmosphere. Your pods may be faster than my brooms, but my brooms are fast enough and have the advantage of full mobility. The can zing, they can zig, they can turn on a dime. When you’re chasing down a snitch it’s a necessity. Your cumbersome hunks of metal know only how to negotiate wide turns. They do it with much speed, but just try and pull off a 180 like a quidditch broom can. You’ll end up in a medically induced coma with Jar Jar providing the daily sponge baths.

Finally, people on earth, right now, in real life are actually playing quidditch. It’s Muggle Quidditch, but it’s quidditch nonetheless. I’m sure you’ll attack their character, because that’s easier than making a valid counterpoint, but regardless of how society views them, quidditch brings people together. I need only to lead you to the Quidditch Wikipedia page to prove that currently over a dozen countries play the sport. There isn’t flying, but there is camaraderie, teamwork, boosted self-esteems, and a sense of fulfillment. The world has already spoken. Quidditch just needs to be improved with the help of science and/or magic, whichever we can master first. An interest in bringing pod racing to life is severely lacking among non-Hutts.

Pod Racing

What’s more pathetic than arguing about sports? The answer is arguing about sports that only exist in the world of make believe. Despite the stupidity of the topic, I feel I’m more than qualified to speak on the matter. I’m not proud of that fact, but I won’t run from it. So let’s get started.

If you’re a prepubescent little bitch with a bad haircut and magical powers, then Quidditch is the sport for you. After all, you probably enjoy having a large piece of wood planted firmly between your ass cheeks as you swat at balls. For the rest of us, there’s pod racing.

Distill any sport to its purest form, and you have a race. What started out as footraces gradually evolved into other sports. Baseball, football, soccer, and even Quidditch are nothing more than a race. Sure, the rules and goals are different, but it all comes down to who can do the most in the shortest amount of time. As technology evolved, so did our methods of racing. From horses, to bicycles, to automobiles, mankind used its technological prowess to go faster and further. But at the end of the day, it’s all just a race. Although it technically takes place in the past, pod racing is the culmination of the sport.

What can be better? You have one racer, in a machine he designed and built (or commissioned) racing against other brave individuals who aren’t afraid to laugh death in the face. Make no mistake, it’s an extremely dangerous sport. But that’s what makes it exciting. The pilot is racing at a ridiculous rate of speed while trying to outwit his fellow racers. He must overcome not only natural obstacles that stand in his way, but also the underhanded tricks of his less scrupulous opponents. Did you really expect a sport controlled by the Hutts to be completely honest? But that’s all part of the charm. And don’t even pretend Quidditch is on the up-and-up. Any sport where spectators can determine the outcome with magic spells is rigged from the start. At least you know when Sand People are shooting at you. You can’t say the same for some asshole wizard with a vendetta.

Another factor to consider is that there are no teams in pod racing. It’s everyone for themselves. Notice I didn’t say every “man” for themselves. That’s because pod racing is open to all, even aliens. It doesn’t matter if you’re a seasoned veteran, or a 5-year-old slave. As long as you can build a pod and put up the entry fee, you’re in. This stands in stark contrast to Quidditch, which is open only to those who are born with “special” gifts. “Muggles” need not apply. It’s basically no different than the days when professional sports wouldn’t allow blacks to play. Pod racing is egalitarian in nature, while Quidditch is the pastime of a group of elitists who are obsessed with heredity.

At the end of the day, pod racing embodies everything a sport is supposed to be. It seeks to reward the best of the best, regardless of background. Quidditch, on the other hand, is nothing more than masturbation, heaping contempt on individuals in the name of conformity, and maintaining the status quo with its outdated and bigoted infatuation with bloodlines.

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Is Anne Hathaway Right For Catwoman? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/is-anne-hathaway-right-for-catwoman/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/is-anne-hathaway-right-for-catwoman/#comments Sat, 22 Jan 2011 00:24:26 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=21489 This week it was announced that Anne Hathaway will play Selena Kyle/Catwoman in Christopher Nolan's upcoming The Dark Knight Rises, but was she the best actress for the job? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. This week it was announced that Anne Hathaway will play Selena Kyle/Catwoman in Christopher Nolan’s upcoming The Dark Knight Rises, but was she the best actress for the job? Fight!

She’ll Do Great

I didn’t make the above photo, I found it on glorious Tumblr, but it’s a good way to kick off my defense, as it’s a smokin’ hot depiction of what Anne Hathaway might look like as Catwoman. Let’s start with the physical characteristics that the role demands. They don’t mean everything, but when you’re wearing pleather, they mean a lot. Hathaway has the perfect build for the Catwoman attire. She’s curvy in all the right areas, and would fill out the suit like a dream. Again, reference the above pic. She’s going to have to suck in if she wants to disappear into the night instead of being a quick moving flash of cleavage. The Catwoman mask will also accentuate her larger facial features. I’ve always thought Hathaway has eyes like a Disney cartoon character, or a cat wall clock. They’re off-putting when her entire face is exposed, but put them behind a mask and they become wildly expressive. Then there are those lips that stretch from ear to ear. Apply some crimson red lipstick to those puppies and the audience won’t be able to stop watching her form her words.

Like I said, looks aren’t everything. Hathaway is also a talented actress, when she picks the right projects. Bride Wars, not so much, but she received critical praise and an Oscar nomination for her role in Rachel Getting Married. She also managed to hold her own against Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, not an easy feat by any means. The gee-schucks I’m an innocent assistant schtick is tired, but Hathaway owned it. And then when she started assimilating into the fashion world, she played the bitchiness with a believable subtly. Yeah, so I like The Devil Wears Prada. If you pretend like you don’t then you’re only attempting to mask your blatant male insecurities. Everyone loves an underdog story, so take the machismo attitude to a highway rest stop, buddy!

Finally, Christopher Nolan, one the most talented film directors of our time, thought Hathaway was a good choice for Catwoman, so who the hell are you to say any different? He chose Heath Ledger to play The Joker in The Dark Knight, a decision that also caused a rift among fanboys, and how did that turn out? Oh yeah, he was AWESOME. Some would argue he was a better Joker than Jack Nicholson. He even won an Oscar for his performance, and he was dead. That means no campaigning or P.R. bullsh*t. The award was based solely on his acting chops. And don’t pull the sympathy card on me either. Plenty of actors have been nominated posthumously and lost. This isn’t a Halle Berry/Catwoman scenario. Nolan knows what he’s doing. He proved it with The Dark Knight and he’ll prove it again with the The Dark Knight Rises with Anne Hathaway as Selena Kyle/Catwoman.

Also, at least she’s not Maggie Gyllenhaal. She resembles an old, wise turtle that’s about to break down in tears.

She’ll Do Shitty

Anne Hathaway playing Catwoman makes about as much sense as Gabourey Sidibe playing Littl Red Riding Hood, which is to say it doesn’t make any god damn sense at all. I know a lot of people freaked out when Christopher Nolan chose Heath Ledger to play the Joker, and we all know how wrong the naysayers were. And regardless of who Nolan chose for the role, there was a chorus of fan boys just waiting to complain. After all, as the bible says, “haters gonna hate.” But even so, this is ridiculous.

Let’s look at the character of Catwoman. She’s a devious femme fatale who uses cunning and sex appeal to get what she wants. Even Batman can’t help but be attracted to her, despite her criminal ways. She’s dangerous, and that’s what makes her intriguing. Well, that and a skintight black suit.

Now let’s look at Anne Hathaway, a doe-eyed girl-next-door type best known for The Princess Diaries. She has a kind, friendly look about her, and a radiant, yet goofy, smile. In fact, her smile is so big, it looks like you can park a truck in her mouth. With that grin, it would make more sense if she was up for a role as the Joker. Too be clear, I’m not mocking the way she looks. She’s an extremely beautiful woman. I feel honored to have seen her breasts on film, and if her housekeeper were to steal her hairbrush and put it on eBay, I would considering bidding on it just to smell her hair. But perky tits and nice-smelling hair does not a Catwoman make. The role requires a dark edge that Hathaway is going to have a hard time pulling off.

I’m not saying she’s not a great actress. I know she’s moved well beyond The Princess Diaries. Unfortunately, she’s moved on to Bride Wars, The Devil Wears Prada and Love and Other Drugs. I’m not knocking those roles, I’m just pointing out that they aren’t exactly dark. Of course, she did play a drug addict in Rachel Getting Married. But again, she played the least edgy drug addict in the world. Her character was a spoiled, attention craving East Coast rich girl whose self-absorbed attitude almost ruined her sisters pretentious Indian-themed wedding. It’s not like she was a character in Trainspotting. She wasn’t sucking dick for money like in Requiem for a Dream. She was arguing with her family while on “break” from a fancy rehab center.

Again, Anne Hathaway is a talented, beautiful woman, but she’s completely miscast in this film. Catwoman is a character that seems like she could either screw your brains out or cut your balls off, depending on her mood. Anne Hathaway seems nice enough to give a dork like me a pitty f*ck and then afterward, cut me a nice piece of apple pie. I like both her and the Batman franchise, so I hope she proves me wrong. But if I were Anne, I’d just be happy that Halle Berry set the bar so low.

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Better Drinking Buddy: Sheen or Sutherland? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-drinking-buddy-sheen-or-sutherland/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/better-drinking-buddy-sheen-or-sutherland/#comments Sat, 15 Jan 2011 00:16:35 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=16983 We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Would you rather spend a night out on the town with Charlie Sheen or Kiefer Sutherland? Staying in is not an option. Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Would you rather spend a night out on the town with Charlie Sheen or Kiefer Sutherland? Staying in is not an option. Fight!

Kiefer Sutherland

This debate is really about choosing the lesser of two evils. When alcohol is involved you never know which way shit is going to fly, only that it’s going to fly. If I had to choose between the two men who are widely know to get shitfaced on a regular basis, I’d have to go with Kiefer Sutherland a.k.a. Jack Bauer.

First of all, Kiefer is Jack Bauer. Do you know how much respect that gets him at pubs? All beverages consumed that night would be free. And I don’t mean Kiefer would pay for them, I mean barkeeps would hand over full bottles of top shelf liquor to the man who can fight terrorists for 24 hours straight without stopping to taking a crap. Have you ever seen him crap on that show? No, because Kiefer doesn’t let anything go to waste. He runs at 100% efficiency. I’m surprised the guy even gets drunk. You’d think his body would punch the alcohol content of tequila in the face. You’re not getting THIS guy wasted, Jose. He’s got a country to save.

If trouble is going to find me when I’m drinking, I want Kiefer there to protect my ass. He seems like a loyal pit bull. He’ll start shit with anyone who starts shit with his friends. And he’ll immediately take it up to level 10. That would ward off any of the smart-ass college punks with liquid courage who want to hassle the movie star. Kiefer will knock their teeth into their colon and then bang their sophomore girlfriend on the care package their mommy sent you. I’ll be there watching, nibbling on the oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I managed to shimmy out from under her ass.

Got a problem with trees? Kiefer has you covered:

He won’t allow trees or shrubbery of any kind to ruin your night out. Anyone can trash a hotel room with a porn star. It takes a real man to tackle a tree, especially under the guise of a pirate. With Kiefer, it’s all about having a good time. Some of those good times lead to arrests and convictions, but the police report should state that the night started with good intentions.

As far as I know, Kiefer doesn’t do a lot of blow. And if he does I’m going to ignore that info because it’s damaging to my case. It’s the booze mixed with the booger sugar that sends Sheen into a naked, screaming tailspin. Nope, Kiefer sticks with firewater, so if the authorities do pick us up no one’s going to be hiding anyone else’s powdered felony. We’ll spend the night in the tank and then Kiefer’s business manager will bail us out. He’ll pull some strings, and while we’ll end up in a TMZ promo, we won’t end up in court.

Finally, there’s a good chance that by 3AM we could find ourselves taking a dump on Julie Roberts’s porch. Kiefer still hasn’t gotten over their broken engagement. And if we’ve been drinking SoCo, the gardener is going to have a helluva time in the morning.

Charlie Sheen

I’m not going to lie; drinking with either Charlie Sheen or Kiefer Sutherland would be awesome. Hell, drinking with anyone would be awesome. I’m literally alone at a bar right now.

But the fact of the matter is this: drinking with either of those dudes is suicide. As much as I like to hit the bottle, those two are light years beyond me. And since any attempt to keep up with them would surely end in my own demise, I have to take that into consideration.

So with that in mind, the clear winner in this debate is Charlie Sheen. Why? Because while drinking with Kiefer would be ridiculously awesome, Charlie Sheen brings an unlimited supply of hot-female ass to the table. And if I’m going to die, that’s how I want to go out. To quote Animal Mother from Full Metal Jacket, If I’m gonna get my balls blown off for a word, my word is “pointing.”

Charlie Sheen is a world renowned womanizer. He married Denise Richards well before it was “complicated.” You know, back when she was introducing lesbian scenes to mainstream films. And well before that, he was a known client of the notorious Hollywood Madame, Heidi Fleiss. The dude loves whores, and you better believe that a night of drinking with Charlie will end up with a boat load of them. There’s a quote attributed Sheen in regard to escorts. Supposedly, when asked by a judge why he has to pay a woman for sex, Charlie responded, “I don’t pay them for sex, I pay them to leave.” The quote is from the internet, so it must be true.

Of course, maybe there would be no need for whores. After all, Charlie is known for hanging out at the Playboy Mansion. And last weekend, when Charlie went MIA, he was reportedly partying in Vegas with a bunch of porn stars who were in town for the AVN awards. For those of you who still have souls, the AVN awards are basically the Oscars of porn. Google the name Bree Olson (the girl Charlie was partying with) and tell me you wouldn’t want to go drinking with this guy.

And then there’s the matter of Kiefer. While I totally admit that drinking with Jack Bauer would be cool as hell, Sutherland is a wildcard. It might be a great time, where you both end up getting blitzed and fighting Christmas trees. Or maybe it’d turn ugly, and you’d end up in a knife fight with some Cholos in Korea Town. Why are the Cholos in Korea Town? Like I said, Kiefer’s a wild card, so you never know what you’re going to get. I’m not trying to say Kiefer couldn’t easily bring a bunch of pussy to the table. But I could just as easily see him getting bored with girls and deciding it was time to sneak into the zoo and fight a polar bear.

My point is, Charlie Sheen is a one-way ticket to titties, where as Kiefer, while fun, is completely unpredictable. When it comes to guaranteed pussy vs. possible decapitation, I’ll take the pussy any day of the week.

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Reel Rumble: Is Sasha Grey a Legitimate Actress or a Lucky Porn Star? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/reel-rumble-is-sasha-grey-a-legitimate-actress-or-a-lucky-porn-star/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/reel-rumble-is-sasha-grey-a-legitimate-actress-or-a-lucky-porn-star/#comments Fri, 07 Jan 2011 21:28:24 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=14769 We don't always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Is known porn star Sasha Grey destined for genuine Hollywood stardom, or will she never escape the shadow of her own uncanny gag reflexes. Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment community, and we like to make our beefs public. Is known porn star Sasha Grey destined for genuine Hollywood stardom, or will she never escape the shadow of her own uncanny gag reflexes. Fight!

Legitimate Actress

Just because Sasha Grey stems from seedy entertainment beginnings doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be taken seriously as a respectable actress. Sometimes we can’t believe what goes in her mouth, so it’s not so crazy to assume we can’t accept what comes out of it I am of course referring to dialogue, not fluids, strap-ons, etc. One of the industry’s most respected directors, Steven Soderbergh, took a chance on Grey for his film The Girlfriend Experience. If an Academy Award winning filmmaker has faith in her potential, why shouldn’t we?

Sasha Grey has balls, metaphorically speaking, and ambition, two traits that can get one very far in Tinsel Town. She took on a role in a legitimate film when everyone else screamed his or her doubts from the rooftop of some debaucherous warehouse in the San Fernando Valley. Some might say it wasn’t the biggest stretch playing a high-class escort when you’ve made your career as an adult film actress, but porn doesn’t involve any acting beyond moans of ecstasy.  Hell, our wives and girlfriends can take on that role, and your inability to accept that they have duped you only further proves the ease of the task.  Nothing of what Grey learned in porn would help her on Soderbergh’s set, except maybe a come hither stare and cheating her less bruised side to the camera. She dedicated herself to the challenge of genuine acting, and considering she had no “classical” training, succeeded with flying colors.

Just last season on “Entourage,” Sasha played herself. Again, not a huge stretch, but not as easy as you might think. It’s not like that show is busting at the seams with Julliard graduates either. If you can believe the wigger talk of Turtle, then swallowing Sasha’s often stilted delivery shouldn’t be a problem. Let’s also not forget her fearlessness in showcasing her shaggy private parts. If she only accepted 70s based projects from now on it might not hurt her career. That was a bold move, and one I applauded her for. Sure, she’s probably more comfortable nude than with clothes on, but at least she isn’t some self-important actress only willing to show her goods if the characterization or plot development truly call for it, or if the paycheck’s big enough. Let’s not kid ourselves. Just because an actress doesn’t get penetrated on screen doesn’t mean she’s not taking a whore’s approach. At least Sasha takes full responsibility for her actions.

Finally, there’s Sylvester Stallone. He got the name “The Italian Stallion” for a reason. His first acting gig was on a low budget porn that exploited his involvement after he hit it big. Stallone couldn’t be more successful now. He’ll never be considered a consummate actor, but he’s one hell of a movie star. With more time and opportunities, the same could happen for Sasha. She mastered one niche of entertainment, and I’m sure that didn’t happen over night. She worked like a champ until she could take on or in almost anything without a quiver of hesitation. If she applies the same tenacity to a legitimate acting career, we could see her nominated for a Golden Globe in a few short years. The Hollywood Foreign Press loves a good cum rags to riches story.

Lucky Porn Star

A lot of people seem to think that Sasha Grey has crossed over to the mainstream and attained the status of legitimate actress. A lot of people think Barack Obama is a Muslim (switch out the word “Muslim” with “good president,” if it makes you feel better). In short, a lot of people are stupid, and it doesn‘t matter what they think. Despite the fact that Grey has appeared in a few high-profile mainstream projects, she is, and always will be, nothing more than a lucky porn star.

Granted, there’s nothing wrong with being a lucky porn star. After all, we make our own luck. The fact that Grey has attained this level of notoriety is impressive, and she deserves credit for her determination. But at the end of the day, if this girl hadn’t drank milk out of another girl‘s asshole (literally, I‘ve seen it), we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Grey’s only real mainstream achievements have been her role in The Girlfriend Experience, which isn’t exactly your run-of-the-mill mainstream film, and a reoccurring part on “Entourage,” a show geared toward young men with Downs Syndrome. For The Girlfriend Experience, she played the part of a prostitute (a rose by any other name), and for “Entourage,” she played a fictionalized version of herself. How challenging could those roles have been for a porn star? Basically, they were extended cameos. It’s not as if she landed a role playing Eleanor Roosevelt (although her hardcore scene with Bree Olsen is eerily reminiscent of the former First Lady). And despite her relative familiarity with the parts, critical reception of her performances was mixed, which doesn’t bode well for her landing non-sex related roles in the future.

Granted, many mainstream actresses (and actors, for that matter) have far less talent than Grey. And like Grey, I suspect that many people in the film industry have gotten where they are by sticking weird things in their asses. But unlike Grey, video of Brett Ratner and McG getting tag teamed by a group of coked-up studio executives is not available On Demand…yet. Maybe it’s unfair that Grey is being punished for her blatantly honest whoring while others do it behind the scenes without retribution. But out of all the injustices in this world, the double standard faced by pornographers has to be on the bottom of the list.

Let’s put it another way. Michael Jordon starred in Space Jam. Do people remember him as an actor? No. They remember him as a great athlete who did a few movies. O.J. Simpson appeared in several films, most notably, The Naked Gun trilogy. But O.J. Simpson is not remembered as an actor or an athlete. He’s remembered as a homicidal maniac. Why? Because there are some things that people will never forget, no matter what you go on to achieve. Hardcore pornography is one of those things. Sasha Grey could go on to win five Oscars in a row, but she’ll always be remembered as the girl who sucked five dicks in a row. End of story.

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Crappier Xmas Present: Mogwai or Chucky Doll? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/crappier-xmas-present-mogwai-or-chucky-doll/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/crappier-xmas-present-mogwai-or-chucky-doll/#comments Sat, 18 Dec 2010 00:25:54 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=12825 We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. The givers in Gremlins and Child's Play had no idea a mogwai and Chucky Doll would turn into such crappy Christmas gifts, but which would be worse to find under the tree? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. The givers in Gremlins and Child’s Play had no idea a mogwai and Chucky Doll would turn into such crappy Christmas gifts, but which would be worse to find under the tree? Fight!

Mogwai

Mogwai are crappier Christmas presents because they are cute. Oh that doesn’t make sense? Ever heard of the word “deceiving,” buddy? Then you obviously haven’t met Ashley Weis. …That skanky heartbreaker. You think you’re getting an adorable bundle of joy that snuggles up next to at night and sings along while you play your Casio keyboard, and then BAM! F*ckin’ gremlins. I’m talking about Gizmo now, not Ashley. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if she spawned Gremlins or was one herself.

But we’ll get back to the gremlins. Let’s start with the rules of care that come along with mogwai. Ugh. Rules. What makes a present less fun than rules? And these aren’t your generic “don’t stick your finger in the spinning parts, dummy” rules. We’re talking totally obscure, follow these to the T or you’ll be sorry as shit rules. First up, you can’t get a mogwai wet. Well great! Now I can’t take a bath with my present? How else am I supposed to experiment with its durability? There is no better litmus test than a bath. For anything. And let’s say we forget about me having something to play with in the tub besides my peepee. How am I supposed to keep this thing from smelling like a skunk f*cked a gym sock? It’s going to turn into one giant dreadlock with eyes. If I can’t get it wet, I don’t want any part of it.

Second rule: Keep mogwai away from bright lights, especially sunlight. So now I’m changing my entire way of life for this thing. I’ll just start sleeping in a coffin and exsanguinating teenage transients too. I mean what kind of gift doesn’t allow you to take it out into blessed sunlight to enjoy it? My skin is going to turn a sickly albino white and then Ashley Weis won’t ever take me back, not that I would even accept her inevitable apology. Daylight also provides our bodies with Vitamin D, which is clinically proven to prevent against some types of cancer. So now my mogwai has possibly given me cancer. Great gift, Dad. A bottle of Percocet and a funnel would have been more humane.

Final rule: You can’t feed mogwai after midnight. Chumming it up with my gift over a Taco Bell fourth meal just became a pipe dream. Most of my food consumption happens after midnight, and I just know, I KNOW that whiny little rodent is going to see me woofing down a Chulupa and want a taste. And being the kind-hearted soul that I am I’m going to give him one because by that point I’ll be too high to remember that I shouldn’t.

And this leads us back to the main event: GREMLINS. I just fed my ten mogwai (because of course I already took a bath with the first one) half of my Chalupa and now I have a gaggle of ferocious, reptilian monsters running around my house and messing up my mom’s kitchen. Oh and look, they just broke out of the house and now they’re destroying the whole town. Everyone is dead, including my dad, so I’m really the only person to blame, which doesn’t really matter because I’m dead too. Hey gross old Chinese man, don’t sell your mogwai to stupid middle-aged men! You’re dead now, dummy!

Chucky Doll

Your senseless mogwai bashing would make David Duke proud. At least Mel Gibson was drunk when he went on his bigoted tirades. At least Michael Richards’ meltdown was a reaction to being heckled during a live performance. But you, in a calm collected manner and with minimal time constraints, decided to sit down and paint all mogwai with the same stereotypical brush. For shame.

First of all, mogwai are not all deceiving or conniving, as you claim. For example, Gizmo, who you senselessly bashed, is a gentle, loving creature, not to mention a goddamn hero. Have you ever heard the expression “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater?” Look it up before you decide to run your mouth about an entire race of creatures you know nothing about.

As for your nonsensical argument about the rules of owning a mogwai, I don’t even know where to begin. As with any pet, mogwai must be kept in certain conditions for their safety and the safety of others. If a pit bull was allowed to roam free and ended up mauling a child, you wouldn’t blame the dog. You’d blame the owner who didn’t keep it on a leash. You wouldn’t keep a python in a room with a baby, just like you wouldn’t keep a cat in the refrigerator. Are these “rules” too hard to follow? mogwai are no different. Keep it dry, properly fed and dimly lit, and you will have no problems. If a mogwai turns into a Gremlin, the responsibility is squarely on the owner.

It’s easy to sit there and bash mogwai, but that’s not what this argument is about. It’s about comparing mogwai to Chucky Dolls. I find it amusing that you didn’t even mention Chucky once in your entire rant. How convenient.

Even if all of your mogwai bashing was justified, which it isn’t, the creature would still be a superior gift to that of a Chucky “Good Guy” Doll for one simple reason: there is absolutely no upside to owning a doll that is possessed by the soul of a psychopath. None, whatsoever. Best case scenario; the doll attempts to kill people and is unsuccessful. Worst case scenario; the doll kills dozens and takes control of your body via voodoo curse. Do the words voodoo curse even mean anything to you? Why the hell would you even consider taking that demented looking thing into your house? At least with the mogwai there is the possibility of years of enjoyment, provided you follow the rules. With Chucky, all that’s guaranteed is attempted murder.

I’ll ask Santa to bring me a mogwai, and you ask Santa to bring you the ability to be less of a bigot.

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Reel Rumble: Is David Keith or Keith David a Bigger Badass? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/reel-rumble-is-david-keith-or-keith-david-a-bigger-badass/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/reel-rumble-is-david-keith-or-keith-david-a-bigger-badass/#comments Sat, 11 Dec 2010 00:36:07 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=12079 We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. David Keith and Keith David are both terrific actors, but two men sharing the same name (only reversed) can't be equals. Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. David Keith and Keith David are both terrific actors, but two men sharing the same name (only reversed) can’t be equals. Fight!

David Keith

I know your knee-jerk reaction is to immediately pronounce Keith David the bigger badass, but take the time to hear me out about the man with Keith as a surname. Keith, as in David Keith, is best known for his role as Sid Worley in An Officer and a Gentleman. He held his own against Richard Gere, who was all the rage back then, and received a Golden Globe nomination for his performance. That’s one Golden Globe nomination for David Keith. Zero Golden Globe nominations for Keith David.

David, as in David Keith, also worked alongside a young Drew Barrymore in Stephen King’s Firestarter. That’s a lot of Barrymore and fire to endure for one film shoot. I also have it on good authority that Firestarter was actually based on Barrymore’s own abilities to engulf things in flames when she’s “in a mood.” Imagine putting up with that day in and day out. The man deserves a medal pinned on his breast by Keith David’s weathered, shaky hands.

Elvis Presley was a legend that Keith, as in David Keith, wasn’t afraid to tackle in Heartbreak Hotel. He didn’t do some kitschy overweight Vegas impersonator take either. He embodied the role and made it his own. The King himself would be proud, and would make Keith David pin a medal on David Keith’s breast for portraying one of the coolest rockers to ever grace this earth.

Keith continued donning the uniforms of military men in Invasion of Privacy, U-571, Men of Honor, and Behind Enemy Lines. That’s a Sergeant, a Major, a Captain, and a Master Chief. He even played the Vice President in In Her Line of Fire. There’s no denying that a commanding presence is necessary to fulfill the gravitas of these roles. David Keith would order you to drop down and give him twenty and you’d listen because he deserves respect. And you’re a little bitch.

Finally, in real life David Keith hunts down child molesters like a villager with a pitchfork and a taste for Frankenstein blood. Keith was a National Advisory Board member and spokesperson for PROTECT: The National Association to Protect Children. He was even present during the sentencing phase for John Couey, who was convicted of kidnapping, raping, and murdering Jessica Lunsford. So basically, if you’re anti David Keith you’re pro child molester. Good luck eradicating that stigma, pervert.

Keith David

If it’s a knee-jerk reaction to immediately pronounce Keith David the bigger badass, then slap my ass and call me a knee-jerker, Suzy Q. Keith David is far superior to David Keith in every way imaginable. But truth be told, Keith David is far superior to most people. I didn’t come here to belittle David Keith, and I don’t have to. He’s a fine man, and I need not tear him down to lift Keith David up.

First off, Keith David doesn’t need a stinking Golden Globe nomination. Is that the best you can do? If you don’t win, it doesn’t matter. You might as well list off Oscars, Emmys and the Nobel Prize as long as you’re naming awards that your guy didn’t win. Hey, did you hear I was nominated for the Megamillions jackpot last week. I didn’t win, but it was still an honor.

Second, look at all the awesome shit Keith David has done. For starters, he’s the guy hosting the ass-to-ass party in Requiem for a Dream. I could stop right there, and I’d still win this argument. Second, the man was in Road House! Do you understand how awesome that is? Your guy did some military movies? Well guess what? Keith David was in Platoon! He was in The Thing! He was in i! This list goes on and on.

And if Keith David didn’t have one film to his name, he’d still be an impressive son of a bitch. He does a ton of voice-over work, including several Ken Burns documentaries and high-profile video games (Modern Warfare 2). Nominations don’t mean sh*t, but you seem to like them, so I’’ll mention that he was nominated for a Tony for his theater work. And if you’ve got a diaper handy, put it on, because what I’m about to tell you will make you shit your pants. Keith David was a reoccurring character on “Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.” Do you comprehend what I just said? Fred Rogers was f*cking awesome, and anyone who worked with him is awesome by default.

Now, onto your point about child molestation. I have no way on knowing for sure, but I imagine that Keith David is firmly against it. And I commend David Keith for his work to put child molesters behind bars. However, your comments about me being pro-child molester were wildly out of context. While it’s true I have donated to NMBLA in the past, I have since severed all ties to the organization. And my past transgressions don’t change the fact that Keith David is far superior to David Keith. Even an adorable 5-year old could tell you that.

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Reel Rumble: Is RoboCop More Man or Machine? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/reel-rumble-is-robocop-more-man-or-machine/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/reel-rumble-is-robocop-more-man-or-machine/#comments Fri, 03 Dec 2010 22:20:02 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=10934 We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. There's no denying that RoboCop is part man and part machine, but it's unlikely that it's evenly split. Which part dominates his makeup? Fight!

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. There’s no denying that RoboCop is part man and part machine, but it’s unlikely that it’s evenly split. Which part dominates his makeup? Fight!

More Man

RoboCop is a man through and through.  Just because OCP took the Murphy scraps and encased them in a half metal/half bendy plastic shell doesn’t change that fact. If I had solid evidence that Murphy’s penis was still attached my case would be strengthened, but there’s no telling what else Clarence and his gang did to the shot up carcass. Let’s assume for this rumble that there is no penis, or testicles. They wouldn’t be necessary on a cyborg. He doesn’t make pee pee.

RoboCop’s face is flesh and blood. Sure, it’s creepy as shit when he takes his mask off, but it’s still human. If it weren’t human, it wouldn’t make you do a triple-take. You ask yourself, “Where the hell does the face end and the helmet begin? Is it right where the ends meet or is there some skull hidden behind the metal?” It’s the age-old cyborg conundrum, except Murphy started out as a full man and his parts were manipulated. He wasn’t built from scratch like Bishop in Aliens.

Even though RoboCop may not have a penis, he knows shooting at a penis is the best way to get a street thug to let go of a helpless woman. You can program a machine to conceive that, but it’s my feeling that RoboCop was working on male intuition. No directive could be as strong as a man’s physical and emotional attachment to his balls. RoboCop didn’t even have to process. It was one to the nuts through that woman’s skirt and she was free.

RoboCop’s, or Murphy’s rather, memories of his family totally tip the scales in the “more man” direction. If anything, OCP would want those nagging personal flashes out of his operating system. It’s a glitch – flashes of his soul breaking through the code. A machine doesn’t take a tour of its vacant home while images of its wife and kid replay in its mind’s eye. It doesn’t give a shit about its wife and kid. It only knows what it’s been programmed to know. It only realizes what it’s been programmed to realize. RoboCop has some deep-seated issues he needs to work out with a RoboCop therapist. God knows OCP isn’t concerned about his mental RoboCop health.

Speaking of OCP, let’s move to Dick Jones. That guy’s a major dick. And RoboCop finally realizes it. Unfortunately his programming won’t let him do what his human side is telling him needs to be done. He wants to choke a bitch so bad but can’t. That is until the directive to not harm his maker is deleted by the OCP President. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong. He shoots the shit out of Dick Jones like only a RoboCop that’s more man than machine could. The machine part is responsible for pulling the trigger, but the man part is responsible for all the vengeance behind it. You can tell RoboCop gets satisfaction from it too. A machine would be like, “Cool. Next job.” But RoboCop relishes in the fact that he got to eliminate a bitch.

More Machine


You stupid son of a bitch.

I can’t believe we’re even having this argument. RoboCop is a machine, and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding himself. I do like how you immediately bring up the fact that he doesn’t have to have a penis, as if that was going to be the crux of my argument. Even I’m not that shallow. We’re talking humanity vs. machine, not a Y chromosome and a pair of testicles. But for the record, I do agree that his penis was probably gone. First off, he was shot all to hell. Second, why would the scientists leave it on. And thrid, RoboCop 2 had a robot penis, if memory serves. Maybe I dreamed that part. But I digress.

At any rate, yes, he has a human face. Big deal. The question of where the face ends and the helmet begins is irrelevant. If I hooked a piece of steak up to my Roomba, it wouldn’t be a cow. It would be a robot with a piece of steak on it. Much like RoboCop is a robot with human parts. You yourself call it a “cyborg conundrum.” I’m not saying he’s not a cyborg, or that he’s all robot. All I’m saying is he’s certainly more machine than man, and he sure as hell isn’t human.

You claim that RoboCop is expressing human emotion and “male intuition” when he shoots a rapist in the crotch. While I, as a human, would love to shoot a rapist in the crotch mid-rape, that proves nothing. After all, robots process the situation at hand and determine the most efficient course of action. When it comes to stopping a rapist, no method is more efficient than shooting his dick off. That’s science talking. And when it comes to the leftover memories of his family, big deal. They basically used his brain as a hard-drive in order utilize his knowledge of law-enforcement. The family memories are simply leftovers they failed to delete. They are like a ghost in the machine, if you will. The fact that OCP hasn’t perfected their methods does not mean that RoboCop is human. It simply means OCP sucks at making cyborgs.

But these arguments can be set aside, because it all comes down to freewill. Humans have it, and robots don’t. You know who else doesn’t have it? RoboCop: that’s who. Throughout the entire film, Murphy (or should I say “Murphy’s corpse”) never violates his four prime directives, which are to serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law and to not act against OCP executives. As you point out, he is only able to shoot Dick Jones after Jones had been fired, rendering the 4th directive irrelevant. His actions were not motivated by vengeance. He was simply fulfilling his directives. Even if he was able to enjoy the killing (which is impossible), he had no choice in the matter. He could not act against his programming. He has no free will, which means he is nothing more than a machine. Up yours.

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Reel Rumble: Psyched for ‘Tron Legacy’ or Could Give a Sh*t http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/reel-rumble-psyched-for-tron-legacy-or-could-give-a-sht/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/reel-rumble-psyched-for-tron-legacy-or-could-give-a-sht/#comments Fri, 19 Nov 2010 20:49:10 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=8784 We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. There's a lot of hubbub regarding the release of Disney's Tron Legacy, but when it comes down to it, do you really care, or could you give a sh*t? Fight!

The post Reel Rumble: Psyched for ‘Tron Legacy’ or Could Give a Sh*t appeared first on Screen Junkies.

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. There’s a lot of hubbub regarding the release of Disney’s Tron Legacy, but when it comes down to it, do you really care or could you give a sh*t? Fight!

Psyched

I don’t even know why we’re having this debate. Tron Legacy is clearly going to be one of the most beloved and highest grossing movies of the holiday season, if not of all time. The original Tron revolutionized filmmaking and special effects back when it was released in 1982, and Tron Legacy will do the same for 2010. I can practically hear James Cameron shuddering in his Malibu mansion. Not even the warmth of his Avatar money gives him comfort in the face of 3D light cycles.

Speaking of light cycles, let’s speak about light cycles. Hello, Tron Legacy has light cycles. LIGHT CYCLES! This debate could end right here, but I’ll continue just to add insult to injury. If a person was asked, “What’s the only thing you’d give up your first born for?” not one would hesitate responding, “Light cycle” as they shove their infant into the questioner’s arms. We all dream of zipping around The Grid on one, leaving a neon trail behind us representing our digital dust that our enemies can eat.

Continuing on, as if your character has not already been assassinated. Olivia Wilde stars in Tron Legacy. You may recognize her from your visions of a perfect woman or cobbled together masturbatory memories when you find yourself without an Internet connection. They could make a 3D movie about her piercing blue eyes and I’d see it a frightening amount of times. Now add a skintight light suit to that equation. Have I got your attention? Your boner says otherwise.

Upside of light suits: they are awesome. Downside of light suits: they don’t hide boners well, which could be a problem if you’re constantly engaging in conversation with Olivia Wilde or rubbing your junk on the seat of a light cycle. Regardless, it’s worth it. Also, imagine never having to expend mental energy deciding what to wear in the morning ever again. You’d just have a closet full of identical light suits. And everyone would be cool with the fact that you wear the same outfit everyday. You’d be the Charlie Brown of the future. Only badasser!

Jeff Bridges reprises his role of Kevin Flynn in Tron Legacy. If you say one negative thing about The Dude I’ll cut you open like a Turducken. He’s got an Oscar now. And not only is he in the film, but he’s in it as older Flynn and younger Flynn. They actually de-aged The Dude. And it looks fantastic! Alright, it’s a little creepy, but still. I’d have to go back and watch The Last Picture Show to see Jeff Bridges that young, and I refuse to do that because it’s in black and white. Now that I’ve seen the Tron Legacy trailer I could never turn my back on color ever again.

I’ll conclude with light discs. Name a coole weapon? You’d have to practice throwing them at first, but once your skillz are solid you’d be the most feared man in town. No one would eff with the light disc guy who leaves on Sycamore in the house with the blue shutters. I just imagine you’d have blue shutters.

Oh, and Bee People. The last trailer for Tron Legacy introduced Bee People.

WTF? Exactly. Don’t pretend like you’re not dying to see the movie now. You just derezed in your light suit pants.

Could Give a Shit

I haven’t seen such an unnecessary sequel since Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans, and in all fairness, that was a sequel in name only. First of all, let’s face facts. The original Tron wasn’t that good. So who in God’s name was clamoring for this film? The way they are marketing it, you’d think they were preparing for the second coming of Christ (or the 12th Imam, if that’s your thing). Honestly, the original is nearly 30 years old. I’m confident that not once between the years of 1982 and 2002 did anyone ever say “Boy, I hope they make a Tron sequel.” If people had wanted a sequel, they would have made it. It’s only now when Hollywood is scraping the absolute bottom of the creative barrel that they dig up Tron.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure that due to the special effects, not to mention the obscene amount of advertising, the film will do well at the box office. But that doesn’t mean we should give a shit. “Oh, the film has cool futuristic bikes! They go super fast! I hope they don’t crash!” Shut the hell up. I didn’t like sitting through 30 minutes of pod-races during Phantom Menace, so why should I care that they’ve changed it to “light cycles” on a black background? Special effects are important, but they are nothing without a good plot. And if the first film is any indication, we’re in for a real shit show.

“Oh, but Olivia Wilde is in it! Her boobies make my pee pee move.” Again, so what? Yeah, she’s hot. But why am I going to spend close to $20 on a shitty movie just because there’s a hot chick in it? There’s this thing called the Internet, and it brings you naked women for free. Go to Google Image Search, turn off the filters, and go to town. I’m looking at Olivia Wilde’s nipples right now, and I didn’t have to spend 40 minutes watching some douche bag snoop around an old arcade. What it boils down to is this: with the abundance of free porn on the Internet, it’s going to take more than Olivia Wilde’s hot ass to get me to a movie theater.

As far as the outfits, times have changed. Back in 1982, calling them gay would have been totally acceptable. But today, homosexuality is much more accepted, as it should be. And to be honest, what gay guy would ever be caught dead wearing that outfit? They’re hideous, not to mention impractical. Can you imagine how ripe it must get under there? If you can’t, why not ask this fat ass. If you email him, I’m sure he’ll let you come over and smell for yourself, provided his mother allows it, and he’s not busy cutting up hookers to assemble his own Yori.

And I will concede that Jeff Bridges is a plus. Far be it from me to badmouth The Dude, although as good as Lebowski was, referencing it jumped the shark years ago. I say that with great sorrow, because my wardrobe consists mainly of Lebwoski tee-shirts. But I digress. The point is, Jeff Bridges doesn’t guarantee anything. He’s great, but he’s been in several awful films: The Vanishing, Seabiscuit, the 1976 King Kong remake! And let’s not forget another little turd called Tron!

Speaking of turds, lets finish up with the weapons of the Tron universe, or as I call them, Frisbees. “Name a cooler weapon?” How about a sharp stick with poop on the end of it? The day I fear a Frisbee is the day I re-watch Love, Actually.

In conclusion, Tron: Legacy is a movie nobody asked for that’s being forced down the throats of a generation whose only contact with the original comes from references on “The Simpsons.” And hell, even those references are probably over a decade old by now. If it’s anything like the original, not even The Dude or Olivia Wilde’s ass can save it. It will make money, but so di Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Oh, and “bee people.”

Friggin’ lame.

The post Reel Rumble: Psyched for ‘Tron Legacy’ or Could Give a Sh*t appeared first on Screen Junkies.

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Reel Rumble: Is Tom Hanks a Nice Guy or a Total Dick? http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/reel-rumble-is-tom-hanks-a-nice-guy-or-a-total-dick/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/reel-rumble-is-tom-hanks-a-nice-guy-or-a-total-dick/#comments Fri, 12 Nov 2010 19:41:13 +0000 Col. Longshanks http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=8104 We don't always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. Tom Hanks has the persona of being Hollywood's golden child, but is he really a nice guy or is he in fact a total dick? Fight!

The post Reel Rumble: Is Tom Hanks a Nice Guy or a Total Dick? appeared first on Screen Junkies.

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We don’t always agree on the happenings in the entertainment industry and we like to make our beefs public. Tom Hanks has the persona of being Hollywood’s golden child, but is he really a nice guy or is he in fact a total dick? Fight!

Nice Guy

There’s no denying that actor/director/writer/producer/saint Tom Hanks is a national treasure. He’s not only considered by many to be the nicest guy in Hollywood, but quite possibly the nicest guy in the world. Hanks came from humble beginnings in Concord, CA. When he was only four years old, his parents divorced. Hanks went to live with his father, who often left him to fend for himself. This built character and an uncanny knack for opening canned goods. Hanks was a self-proclaimed geek and spaz in high school, which means he probably survived his fair share of swirlies, wedgies, Indian burns, and cruel verbal abuse targeted at his sexuality and penis size – classic bully tactic.

He held strong though and went on to win two Academy Awards for Best Actor, one for his role as Andy, the AIDS stricken lawyer in Philadelphia, and the other for the titular character in Forrest Gump. Hanks neither has AIDS nor is he retarded, a true testament to his ability to portray sick brilliant gay people or sick brilliant by accident mentally handicapped people. Let’s also not forget about the Golden Apple Award he received from the Hollywood Women’s Press Club or the Man of the Year Award from the Hasty Pudding Theatricals. Not many people can say they have an Apple and a Pudding sitting on their desk at home.

Hanks is also a huge supporter of NASA’s manned space program, and not because he’s obsessed with aliens like some whacked-out conspiracy theorist. He said he originally wanted to be an astronaut but he “didn’t have the math.” Let’s all give a collective, “Awwwwww, that’s so saaaaaaaaad!” The Space Foundation awarded Hanks the Douglas S. Morrow Public Outreach Award, given annually to an individual that has made significant contributions to public awareness of space programs. Without Hanks’s support who knows how many space programs would be out on the street performing sexual favors for one more hit of that sweet, sweet moon rock.

He’s got the back of all American soldiers as well. He’s served as the national spokesperson for the World War II Memorial Campaign, been the honorary chairperson of the D-Day Museum Capital Campaign, and produced the Emmy Award-winning HBO mini-series “Band on Brothers.” The only reason you know World War II even took place is because Tom Hanks brought it to the world’s attention. In addition to all of his philanthropic and Conan O’Brien supportive efforts, I hear he also makes a mean guacamole. Basically, Hanks shits benevolence.

Total Dick

Tom Hanks is a bastard. We’ve all heard the “nicest guy in Hollywood” nonsense, but stop and think about what that means. It’s not a compliment. Hollywood is notorious for being filled with complete and utter assholes. Spencer Pratt, Kanye West, Jay Leno: these are the people Hanks has to contend with. Just as the Special Olympics give out a medal to all those who participate, anyone in Hollywood who can abstain from abusing their assistants or committing statutory rape is given the “nice” title.

In his early career, Hanks was confined to lowbrow comedies such as “Bosom Buddies,” a sitcom that promoted a radical transvestite agenda to our nation’s youth, and Splash, a film that seems to encourage sex with mythical aquatic animals. But he soon managed to make the leap to dramatic roles, primarily by exploiting homosexuals and the mentally handicapped. I still remember watching Forrest Gump. What galls me the most about that film is the false hope it gave to people with disabilities. My youngest nephew is mentally disabled, but after watching that movie, he keeps insisting that some day he’s going to go to college and play football. I keep telling him that they don’t let people with dyslexia go to school, play sports, or leave the basement. But after Forrest Gump, he won’t listen.

After winning his Oscars, Hanks used his clout to launch his rabid anti-Catholic agenda with an adaptation of Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code. I’m surprised he hasn’t gone on to adapt The Protocols of the Elders of Zion into a feature film. But mocking Catholicism isn’t Hanks’ only pet project. He also has WWII and the space program. His work on Saving Private Ryan and “Band of Brothers” helped whip the country into a jingoistic frenzy in the years leading up to 9-11. I won’t go as far as to say Hanks was in on the NWO conspiracy, but clearly he was a willing pawn. He also used the popularity of these films to channel interest into the now completed World War II Memorial in Washington, D.C. I have it on good authority from a guy I met in a KFC parking lot that Hanks owns stock in the granite company that supplied the pillars for the monument, and he made over $200 billion on the deal. Hanks was motivated by profits, not patriotism.

Which brings us to his support for the space program. Let me ask you a question; how often do you see minorities in Tom Hanks’ movies? You don’t. In Apollo 13, it was an all-white crew on the spacecraft. In Saving Private Ryan, we see the same thing: all-white armie fighting all-white armies. I thought it was a “world war,” not a “white war.” And despite the fact that Castaway takes place in the South Pacific, the island’s population is 100% Caucasian. Yes, I remember Bubba from Forrest Gump. He was shot early on in the film, and Forrest made millions by exploiting his name. Do you see where this is leading? Tom Hanks is generating interest in the space program so he can send all minorities to live on the moon. The clues are there if you’ll simply open your eyes!

We won’t even get into the fact that Tom Hanks is responsible for Colin Hanks. That’s a dick move that deserves its own article. But even without that damning piece of evidence, I have demonstrated beyond a reasonable doubt that Tom Hanks is a total dick. You’re welcome.

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