Jim Varney, the man who played the weird, incompetent, but good-intentioned handyman who saved camps, Christmases, Halloween, and jails is dead. But his spirit lives on among direct-to-DVD movie producers who think this could be a good way to make ten grand or so. The movie will be called Son of Earnest, which means that Earnest fucked somebody at least once, which is a notion that will haunt our very existences until we die one day.

While the title Son of Earnest leads us to believe that no one has any idea what this film will be about, the same could be said in hindsight about the previous Earnest films, in which he just yelled at some unknown man named “Vern.”

My theory? Vern is Earnest P. Worrell’s Tyler Durden, a destructive, savage id that just wants to watch the world burn so that mankind can start over.

Or he’s the guy with the camera.

Brewster has been cast as the daughter of the cook on the ranch that serves as the setting for the show. Of course, she’s ensnared in a love triangle with the two male leads, who play the progeny of the original show’s main characters brothers JR and Bobby Ewing. Expect a lot of sneaking off to the barn for those three (if we’re lucky).

It remains to be seen whether or not people will give a shit about a new “Dallas,” as the original went off the air twenty years ago (after a staggering 357 episodes), but one thing is for sure: Jordana Brewster is basic cable’s answer to Jennifer Connelly, and for that, I’ll at least watch the pilot.

(Deadline)