In the past few years, TWC has lost its way, succumbing to sensationalism and greed in a manner that would make Rush Limbaugh and Pablo Escobar blush. Walters NEEDS to help the network find its way again, and I’ve proposed nine tactics that should right the ship in a matter of minutes.

Change The Music During Local Forecasts

I get that the Weather Channel’s goal is not to offend, but the music they play during those things is so bland that it’s actually offensive. Rather than play mindless elevator ditties, may I suggest something like Skrillex, especially early in the morning, when I need an eye opener?

Also, I’m pretty much in love with the new Fucked Up album David Comes To Life, so maybe you could include a few of those deep cuts on there? That’d be sweet.

Stop Over-Representing Tornadoes On Your Channel

I feel like The Weather Channel gives way too much exposure to tornadoes, leading viewers to believe that there are more tornadoes than there actually are. I don’t have any data to prove this, but my hunch is normally right about things like this, so if Chris Walters wants to restore the reputation of The Weather Channel, he should probably dial back on the tornadoes and allocate more of that coverage to things like wind advisories and rainbows.

Get On The Reality TV Bandwagon

I don’t know how to shoehorn a reality competition or program into TWC’s lineup, but I’m sure there’s a way. Maybe they could do something like The Real Lighthouse Attendants of Portland (Maine) or West Coast Thermometer Builders that focuses on a ragtag group of glass blowers and mercury handlers who build artisanal thermometers for celebrities and heads of state.

(click photo to view video)

This clip from TLC’s My Strange Addiction really grosses me out. Not because it focuses on a woman that likes to eat cat food, but because of the way she talks to her cat. “Here’s one for you. And here’s one for mommy.” I’d be disgusted if she said that with people food too.

I can see how eating cat food is a strange addiction, given that it’s made from chicken and whatever else fell in the grinder byproducts, but it seems like it would be easily remedied by simply saying, “Hey Lady. Stop eating cat food! You are not a cat. You are a lady.” (Vulture)

The Mythbusters, that precocious gang of youths with the creepy facial hair and the one girl that everyone thinks is really hot by default, recently had an accident while firing a cannonball at the Alameda firing range in California. According to the Sheriff’s Department, the ball took “a few unfortunate bounces,” crashing into a nearby house, entering through one wall, and exiting through another.

The absolute best line from the AOLTV article?

“The San Francisco Chronicle said ‘cantaloupe-sized cannonball’ damaged the home and minivan of the Gill family.”

The Gill family minivan was damaged? At what price busted myths, Mythbusters? AT WHAT PRICE BUSTED MYTHS?

Mythbusters screwed over the Gill family of Dublin, California?

CONFIRMED.

The former South African leader and revered global icon’s granddaughters, Dorothy Adjoa Amuah, Zaziwe Dlamini-Manaway, and Swati Dlamini (all of them!), were born in Africa, though raised in the United States. The show will follow their lives in South Africa as grown women. The eldest will be the mother figure, the middle daughter will be starting a clothing line (OMG!), and the youngest will her pursue her career with an MBA and a law degree (BORING!)

“We’re definitely not the African Kardashians,” Amuah said when asked about the show. Given this information, I’m sure the search is on for the REAL African Kardashians.

The series will be produced and created by Rick Leed, who worked on Home Improvement and Dr. 90210, so expect a cameo from Richard Karn, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and lots of fabulous plastic surgery.

The Mandela Family: It’s Complicated will air early next year.

Wow. I’m already bored with this program, and it hasn’t even been made yet.

I guess they could use this concept as a pulpit for new musical acts, but let’s face it, it’s going to be Bruno Mars, Cage the Elephant, and Drake.

This show demonstrates the initiative undertaken by the station to appeal to a broader audience, with most of their previous reality programming towards “young femmes” (that’s marketing speak for “girls”) with an emphasis on fashion and celebs. So dumb girls. The channel was marketing previous programs to dumb girls. Now they’re reaching out with Extreme Musical Chairs, programming that can be appreciated by dumb everyone. (Variety via Warming Glow)

This season’s bizarrely random smattering of special guests includes: Charlize Theron, Pee-wee Herman, Cat Cora, John Besh, Tim Love and Patti LaBelle. Do you think the contestants will find themselves pandering to Pee-wee’s well-documented love of porcini mushrooms?

I’m kidding. I have no idea if Pee-wee Herman likes porcini mushrooms.

Host Padma Lakshmi and Judges Tom Colicchio and Gail Simmons will be joined by chefs Emeril Lagasse and Hugh Acheson.

Can a humorless host please synopsize the upcoming season in a meaningless sound byte?

“Just like Texas, this will be our biggest season ever,” said head judge Tom Colicchio.

Thanks, Tom.

Here is a list of the hopefuls. I recognize none of the names and three of the restaurants. See if you can beat me!

Nyesha Arrington, 28 –  Los Angeles, Calif., Wilshire Restaurant.
Lindsay Autry, 29 – West Palm Beach, Fla., Omphoy Ocean Resort &Michelle Bernstein
Jonathan Baltazar, 36 – Long Beach, Calif., Heights Cuisine.
Ty-Lör Boring, 34 – Brooklyn, N.Y.,  Spasso
Molly Brandt, 30 – Hollywood, Fla., Allure of the Seas for Royal Caribbean
Chaz Brown, 29 – New York, N.Y., Fatty Crab
Kimberly Calichio, 27 – New York, N.Y.,  Fishtail by David Burke
Beverly Kim, 31 – Chicago, Ill., Aria Restaurant
Chris Crary, 29 – Los Angeles, Calif., Whist Restaurant in the Viceroy Hotel
Andrew Curren, 32 – Austin, Texas 24 Diner
Berenice deAraujo, 33 – Miami, Fla., Sra. Martinez
Janine Falvo, 37 – Atlanta, Ga., Briza Restaurant
Richie Farina, 28 – Chicago, Ill., MOTO
Sarah Grueneberg, 29 – Chicago, Ill., Spiaggia
Chris Jones, 30 – Chicago, Ill., MOTO
Edward Lee, 38 – Louisville, Ky., 610 Magnolia
Whitney Otawka, 30 – Cumberland Island, Ga., Greyfield Inn
Simon Pantet, 30 – Seattle, Wash., Twenty-Two Doors
Colin Patterson, 37 – Seattle, Wash., Sutra
Laurent Quenioux, 51 – Los Angeles, Calif., Vertical Wine Bistro
Paul Qui, 30 – Austin, Texas, Uchiko Restaurant
Keith Rhodes, 39 – Wilmington, N.C., Catch Restaurants
Grayson Schmitz, 27 – New York, N.Y., Exec. Chef
Tyler Stone, 22 – Sacramento, Calif., Personal Chef
Heather Terhune, 39 – Chicago, Ill., Sable Kitchen and Bar
Chuy Valencia, 25 – Chicago, Ill., Chilam Bilam
Nina Vicente, 29 – Seattle, Wash., Spur Gastropub
Ashley Villaluz, 25 – Seattle, Wash., Sous Chef
Dakota Weiss , 35 – Los Angeles, Calif., 9:30 Restaurant and The Backyard

If the list seems long to you, you’re not alone. They have increased the field from 16 to 29, though only 16 will be making it to Texas. Why are they doing this? Who the hell knows. Probably some sort of “bigger is better” philosophy because they’re in Texas and everything is bigger in Texas. Like the size of the list of mentally retarded people they execute. That’s huge.

Well played, Walk of Fame. Well played. Except that Whitney Houston already has a star on the world famous sidewalk. Why the change of heart? Granted, she received the star years before Bobby Brown went public with the story about the time he pulled a lodged doodoo bubble out of her booty, however who are you to judge? It used to be that anyone who was a public figure in their field for five years and willing to spend $30,000 was welcome to buy the honor. Is reality money not good enough for you? Besides Mob Wives money, of course.

Ana Martinez, vice president for media relations and producer for the Hollywood Walk of Fame, explains that “It’s just not on the radar for us right now.”

Martinez tells CNN that nominees need to meet the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce’s criteria: awards and honors in entertainment, philanthropic work, as well as longevity in the field and the willingness to agree to the ceremony and pay $30,000 for the star’s installation and upkeep on the street.

Okay. Then let’s go down that checklist.

If the committee is true to their word, there are reality stars that actually fit the bill. Think of those mainstays that are always punching each other on The Real World/Road Rules Challenges. They’ve been at that for a decade at least. I’d consider that show’s $160,000 prize and Kia Sorrentos that they give away to count as both an award AND an honor. As far as philanthropic work goes, porn counts. That just leaves the matter of the $30,000 fee. Dunbar, are you good for it?

Okay. Perhaps the Douchebag Olympians aren’t the best example. Let’s move on to Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Both have been mainstays in the reality spotlight for a good deal of time. They’ve appeared on The Simple Life as far back as 2003. The $30,000 fee shouldn’t be a problem either. They reportedly make $50K per tweet. Then there’s the philanthropic work. Once again, porn counts. Other than that, they’ve both funded AIDS research. As far as awards go, I’ll have you know that Hilton has three Razzies and one Teen Choice whereas Kardashian also has a Teen Choice award (she came close to winning a Razzie for her performance in Disaster Movie but was edged out by Hilton’s performance in Hottie and the Nottie).

Sounds to me like we have two successful young ladies who have proven themselves against all categories. And YOU KNOW they love a good ceremony. Now, if you don’t mind, give them their dumb stars already.

Ryan Dunn – Jackass

The world was shocked when the Jackass star died earlier this year in a tragic car crash.  Though his candle was snuffed out at too young of an age, Dunn’s legacy will continue to live on with the cast mates he left behind.

Billy Mays – Pitchmen

Shortly after the death of Michael Jackson, the world was dealt a double-blow when the famous salesman died of a heart attack.

Jeff Conaway – Celebrity Rehab

A severe opiate addiction eventually cost Celebrity Rehab star Jeff Conaway his life. Conaway was taken off life support while in a medically-induced coma after suffering from pneumonia and sepsis.

American Idol

The American Idol freight train first got going in 2002 and has become a runaway hit. It has slowed down in recent years but has made a comeback last season thanks to a massive personnel overhaul. Gone are original mainstays Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. The extravagant Steven Tyler and the beautiful Jennifer Lopez now call the shots alongside Randy Jackson.  This show has great laughs along the way as many self-proclaimed vocalists attempt to wow the judges but end up making a mockery of themselves on national television. The most enjoyable part of the season comes when only the crème de la crème remain. This is the time you and your girlfriend frantically text in your votes after each show to support your favorite performers and keep them in the mix. You’ll be surprised how fun it actually is.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

The Kardashians lawn bowling at Caesar's Palace

As we touched on above, Keeping Up with the Kardashians follows the exploits (and cat fights) of the Kardashians including stepfather and former Olympian, Bruce Jenner, while also featuring a lot of Kim’s beautiful booty. Although the show follows the family doing the most of mundane chores, women love to tune in every week—we’ve already told you why men have stopped complaining.

The Bachelor

The bachelor toasting

For male viewers,  ABC ‘s The Bachelor really isn’t too difficult to watch. A single bachelor, good looking and successful, is made to choose among a pool of beautiful women, most of whom are are head over heels for him. Slowly, the guy eliminates the women he is not interested in until he is left with the one he feels is most right for him (usually the sexiest one in the group). Women hate the way the guy plays around with the feelings of the women in the group as he breaks hearts left and right. Most guys on the other hand, cheer him on. Especially as he makes out with just about all of them.

What Not to Wear

Clinton Kelly and Stacy London of What Not To Wear

Hosted by the lovely Stacy London and the ever-so-funny fashion consultant Clinton Kelly, the show features participants nominated by their closest friends and family because of their utter disdain for style. The duo teaches these unfashionable individuals how to properly mix and match clothing and in-show hair and makeup stylists then give them a serious makeover. The result is usually a shocker as the previously bland looking participants end up looking like fashion models. Making normal women look hot? How can that be a bad thing to be subjected to?

Cheaters

Joey Greco confronting a cheater

The wild and woolly syndicated show, Cheaters follows host Joey Greco, as he takes on cases of suspected infidelity. The host uses private detectives who stake out the partner in question and set up surveillance cameras to help catch them in the act. When they have sufficient evidence, the tapes are presented to the complainant who then confronts the cheating partner. The production even has a brazen camera crew that gets into the middle of whatever melee erupts. Watching the show is often used as a preemptive measure by your wife or girlfriend to make sure that you are on the up and up because if you’re not, Joey Greco is just a phone call away. If you yourself have nothing to hide, watching the confrontations is always a barrel of laughs.

Takeshi’s Castle

Many consider Takeshi’s Castle to be the proto-game show that influenced waves and waves of weird Japanese game shows. Contestants go through a battery of challenges like the “Avalanche” where competitors try to cross a narrow gully while game henchmen try to knock them down with polystyrene boulders. Those who are fortunate enough to survive the difficult challenges team up and assault Count “Beat” Takeshi’s castle in small motorized cars armed with water guns while Takeshi’s minions engage them in similar vehicles.

Iron Chef

Japanese Iron Chef

Fans of the U.S. version should be familiar with the mechanics of Iron Chef. A talented chef picks out one of several master Iron Chefs and challenges them to a cooking showdown. The twist is that the combatants are given a mystery ingredient that when revealed, should be used as the primary ingredient in all their dishes. What makes this different—and weirder— than the stateside version is that whil the American show sticks to the mundane with beef, pork or celery, the original focuses on odd (disgusting?) ingredients like fish head and cow brains.

Apron of Love

Apron Of Love

Cooking shows are a dime a dozen. Wanna be chefs are expected to whip up incredibly delicious dishes in order to impress celebrity hosts and judges. Aside from its bizarre title, what makes Apron of Love so different is that contestants are expected to cook in a massive studio kitchen where absolutely none of the ingredients are labeled. The judges’ reactions to the mysterious dishes is just priceless.

Endurance

Another gem from the ’80s, Endurance is as weird as weird Japanese shows gets. Contestants undergo a variety of unpleasant ordeals such as eating marshmallows suspended in midair while their faces are restrained by bungee cords or repeating difficult tongue twisters knowing full well that if they make a mistake, a slapping machine is ready to smack a very sensitive part of their anatomy. The last man standing wins.

Viking

Viking is another game picked up by American producers. In this game show, a massive and extremely difficult obstacle course await hoards of eager contestants. There are three stages and while completing each one is difficult enough, those who join are also competing against the clock. Those who fall off the course land in a pool of deep water. Celebrities and athletes sometimes try their luck, but they end up failing as much as the average Hiroki. The show sometimes has a “Family Edition” where entire families try to complete the challenges together.

Like an old, broken down wrestler coming back for one more match, the WWE reality show “Tough Enough” is back in action and taking a lot of pain medication. Originally conceived in 2001 for MTV, the new version will air alongside RAW on USA. The WWE’s most recent attempt at a wrestlers-in-training show, “NXT,” quickly went off the air on Syfy and became a web series, which I would argue is more humiliating than just getting cancelled.

And that’s the entertainment news, because Screen Junkies said so. (EW)

A blast from the past! A middle school fascination. A reason to "borrow" periodicals from the local Walgreens. Kathy Ireland used to be the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition it girl, and now she dances the mambo on television for charity dollars. Let’s hope that money goes to the kids whose fingers bleed as they sew together the items in the Kathy Ireland Worldwide Catalogue.

A word from Kathy: "At the moment of conception, life starts."

I’m not touching that one with a ten foot pole…

Here are some Pro-Licious pics after the jump!

Who gives a twirling sh*t if Joanna Krupa can dance? I certainly don’t. Hey ABC, get a pole up on that stage and watch your ratings skyrocket. Joanna is one of the sexiest woman alive, which is clearly evident by the aurora borealis of "daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!" above. No tap shoes required. 

A word from Joanna: "I get so sick of wearing lingerie for shoots that I don’t even go to Victoria’s Secret"

Lingerie is overrated anyway. Nothing always works. Or bath bubbles. Personally, I prefer the Robocop brand of liquid suds. 

You have ten seconds to comply with the pics after the jump.

Over the past decade, reality shows have taken over the airwaves. Some are genuine and engaging. Others are exploitative and sink to new lows never experienced previously on television. In honor of More To Love, FOX’s new big person dating show, we’ve put together a list of reality shows that have pushed the boundaries of good taste whether with their content or their marketing. Take a look at the tastless, mean, and misunderstood.

WHO’S YOUR DADDY?

The premise: A woman who was adopted as a child meets 25 men, one of whom is her biological father. If she correctly identifies the baby daddy, she will win $100,000. If she is wrong however, the man that she incorrectly selected will walk away with the money.
The controversy: Adoption groups were in an uproar over the callous presentation of the show and due to low ratings it was shelved after only one episode.

That’s sad. The poor little show that nobody wanted.
 

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JOE MILLIONAIRE

The premise: A handsome and rich young man is searching for the woman with who he will spend his life. He romances a group of contestants in exotic locales, eliminating one per episode. The twist however is that he doesn’t have a dime to his name.

The controversy: The woman aren’t exactly painted in the most favorable light. Many of whom come off as greedy and shallow to the viewing audience.

The show made waves when it aired what was believed to be the first reality show blow-job (later debunked). Besides everyone knows that the real first blowie happened on Bug Juice.
 

TEMPTATION ISLAND

The premise: In order to test the strength of their relationships, several couples live in a tropical paradise with single members of the opposite sex. The singles of course are smoking hot and hired to try to break up the couples.

The controversy: The show’s producers essentially hired whores to try to break up the contestants.

Probably the only show where you’ll hear the phrase, "Hey Honey, I just met the nicest hooker out there in that jungle."
 

MR. PERSONALITY

The premise: A woman must choose a husband from a group of men who are all wearing masks that make them look like they’re about to reveal magic’s greatest secrets. The line of thought being that she will base her decision upon their personalities and not their looks.

The controversy: It presupposes that all woman are shallow and that ugly people are not capable of finding meaningful relationships in life.

Hosted by Monica Lewinsky, a woman who would have fit in perfectly on Joe Millionaire.
 

THE LITTLEST GROOM

The premise: A 4’5" bachelor tries to find the perfect woman for himself amongst a group of both dwarf and average-sized women.

The controversy: Though the producers insist that they were celebrating the diversity of their contestants, the show sparked outcry from little people. It’s a complicated issue as the show could have either a damaging or positive effect on the public perception.

Personally I find it offensive that this show was a contest built around dwarfism. If the producers really wanted to create a dialogue they would simply cast people of all different shapes and sizes in their non-themed dating shows like The Bachelor. And I Love New York doesn’t count because a.) that show is a circus and b.) they named the character "Midget Mac".  Why can’t he just be named Mac?
 

THE SWAN

The premise: Less-than-attractive women work with plastic surgeons in order to win a beauty pageant.

The controversy: The show was lambasted for being  devoid of ethics and a commercial for plastic surgery that promoted an unhealthy view of beauty which preyed upon the weak-minded.

Question: Once the ladies got super-sexy did they all quit their jobs at the grocery store?
 

DANCE YOUR ASS OFF

The premise: Overweight contestants team up with professional dancers to win the competition-based show and lose weight in the process.

The controversy: Though the intention of the show is to help people improve their health and sick-ass dance moves, it is presented in a somewhat exploitative way with many of the laughs being based around the humorous appearance of a plus-sized person dropping it like its hot.

This show is the equivalent of chasing a Twinkie on a treadmill.
 

BRITNEY AND KEVIN: CHAOTIC

The premise: A look into the private lives of then-couple Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

The controversy: This was the first glimpse of crazy Britney. The Britney that would shave her head and bring an umbrella to a car fight.

If memory serves she was talking about her experiences with aliens on the show. And I don’t mean the ones that empty her ashtrays and pick up after her around the house.

CHEATERS

The premise: Cheating lovers and spouses are caught in the act by investigative camera crews.

The controversy: The show often leads to violence. Including one time where the host was stabbed on camera by a man caught in the act. Usually you need to turn on Telemundo to see something like that.

Another time the host was attacked with a katana replica. To think, someone who owns a katana replica actually found two mates.

THE WILL

The premise: A wealthy land developer held a competition to decide which member of his family would win his abundant inheritance.

The controversy: I don’t really see a controversy. I mean, it’s gross but not anything to get up in arms about.

When I’m old and rich I’m not going to buy people I am going to hunt them for sport. Run for your life, Letter Carrier!

What do you think? Which shows have made your skin crawl??