As confusing and needless as this crime seems, perhaps it wasn’t a miscommunication or random chance. Perhaps the officer knew full well who he was attacking and was actually upholding justice… Canadian Justice.

Here are seven potential reasons DJ Qualls may have got his ass beat.

The Cop Also Auditioned For Supernatural

Qualls claims that the officer who beat him repeatedly asked, “You think you’re f***ing better than me?” This leads me to surmise that the officer is also an aspiring actor who has grown jaded and disillusioned by the audition process. He’d probably read for the part on the CW‘s Supernatural and thought he had it in the bag. Then Mr. Hustle & Flow swooped in using his past credits to steal the role out from underneath him.

He Was Mistaken For Joel David Moore

It’s a little known fact, but Joel David Moore actually has 47 warrants out for his arrest in Canada. This all stemmed from an incident at a Toronto Maple Leafs’ game in 2009 where he wouldn’t offer his seat to Dave Foley. I’m told there’s also a hefty reward.

One of E.L.’s Schemes Backfired

E.L. and the guys certainly seem like they know what they’re talking about but then again, they’re only college students. How did they get to become experts? Actually, E.L.’s track record is pretty spotty. Wasn’t it enough when he blew up DJ Qualls’ car? And it’s not the first time he’s caused a fight to break out. Whatever he did to anger the Canadian Mounties must be pretty extreme to prompt a beating like this.

Baruchel and writing partner Jesse Chabot have signed on for two projects. They will adapt Kickstart Comics’ Random Acts of Violence, which is about horror comic book creators on a signing tour, and murders follow them wherever they go. It all centers around their star character, Slasherman. Hold on, does that mean Baruchel and Chabot are gonna become murder magnets when they’re on the press tour? We should all ask Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray, the original writers of the comic. Only they know the rules for how that works.

The writing team will also tackle a rewrite on Summit‘s Exorcism Diaries, based on The Real Story Behind The Exorcist by Mark Opsasnick. It’s the story of a reporter who gets the unfortunate attention of a supernatural being while researching the story of history’s most famous exorcism. This is why you have to be careful around Ouija boards, you guys. Let’s just play Sorry instead. No, you’re the one who’s scared.

Baruchel also co-wrote the recently shot hockey comedy Goon with Evan Goldberg. (Hollywood Reporter)

According to Vulture, Eminem will play “an ex-con smarter than his past is fresh out of prison and trying to stay legit — but his efforts are complicated by his old gang, who want him back on the job. So, too, does the FBI, which hopes he’ll wear a wire and bring down the crime syndicate. The ex-con, meanwhile, tries to play both sides against each other long enough to exact revenge against those — on both sides of the law — who sent him to prison in the first place.”

Wow, that sounds like a…crime thriller. The above synopsis is so generic, it’s clearly going to be execution dependent. Two things are certain, though. Mekhi Phifer will eek his way into a role, and when all is said and done the movie will become one long music video for whatever single Eminem releases on the soundtrack.