Chuck Norris (Mike Huckabee)

Dude, have you heard about that Chuck Norris meme? The one where he can do all kinds of awesome stuff merely by roundhouse kicking? Well, the roundhouse kicks didn’t do much to help Mike Huckabee. Not only did he not secure the nomination in 2008, he declined to even run this time around. What’s an out-of-work action star to do in 2012? Well, Norris is going in for Ron Paul this time, the only candidate for doddering old men afraid of the Federal Reserve.

Gary Busey (Newt Gingrich)

Things have been going pretty well for Gingrich as of late. He’s gaining in both national and key state polls. And he’s securing critical endorsements, like Gary Busey. Busey brought a whole new meaning to the words “bughouse nuts” when he starred in an early celebreality show. We got an insight into the mind of Busey and it was hard to tell how much of it was genuine and how much of it was torturing a man foolish enough to make a TV show based around him. Newt is sitting pretty now among the key wackjob constituency, having the endorsements of Busey and Herman Cain.

Adam Sandler (Rudy Giuliani)

Nothing says class, sophistication and nuanced political thought more than Adam Sandler’s endorsement. Rudy must have worked hard wining and dining the man who’s made a career out of screaming and talking in baby voices. The endorsement of America’s favorite manchild didn’t do a lot for the Manhattan Mussolini, however. He failed miserably after months of being considered the presumptive nominee.

This country needs a leader. Not only someone who would make the right choices, but someone who carries with him an aura of confidence and dignity, so that we may know the path we are being led down is the right one.

And that man is (sorry, Rick Perry) Morgan Freeman.

Mr. Freeman is everything this nation looks for in a leader, a figurehead, a representative, and a person. He’s the most presidential person in this country, and he’s never really involved himself in politics. In case you’re not sold right away, I’ve prepared some talking points as to why Morgan Freeman is this nation’s last great hope.

His Smooth Voice Would Get The Whole Country Tuning In To Fireside Chats Again

"Do I LOOK like I care about the fallout from forgiveness of third-world debt?"

I’m drifting off just thinking about how soothing his voice is when he’s talking about a serial killer’s tendencies in a high-tension film like Se7en. Now, think about that same voice talking about the debt ceiling and what it means for our G8 status. You fell asleep just THINKING about that, didn’t you? Don’t lie. You did.

His voice, combined with his ability to read a speech, would make the State of the Union appointment television even for someone as politically agnostic as me. Freeman could wipe out a hostile nation with a powerful speech and a stern look into the camera.

It’s Between Him And James Earl Jones, And James Earl Jones Was Darth Vader

I don't want a president that can get this rattled by ANYTHING.

As best I can tell, Morgan Freeman has only really played one bad guy in his life, and that’s Sloan in Wanted. Considering no one who saw Wanted is a registered voter, I’m not even sure this is going to be an issue. Time in and time out, Morgan Freeman has played a bastion of integrity and wisdom like no other actor in this or any generation. OK. Maybe Gregory Peck, but I just don’t believe that this country is ready to elect a dead man as president.

In fact, the only actor that could give the Painted Warrior a run for his money is Tom Hanks. Honestly, I don’t like Freeman’s odds if he’s up against Tom Hanks. I don’t like ANYONE’S odds if they’re up against Tom Hanks. But if the field remains Hanks-free (and I have hired several operatives to ensure it does) then it should be smooth sailing for Freeman.