Screen Junkies » Porno http://www.screenjunkies.com Movie Reviews & TV Show Reviews Fri, 12 Sep 2014 21:34:42 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Presenting ‘The Grand Sausage Pizza’, A Pornographic Film By Wes Anderson http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/presenting-the-grand-sausage-pizza-a-pornographic-film-by-wes-anderson/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/video/presenting-the-grand-sausage-pizza-a-pornographic-film-by-wes-anderson/#comments Mon, 05 May 2014 20:16:55 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?post_type=video&p=261448 Imagine what it would be like if Wes Anderson directed a porno. Now imagine somebody was able to rent a dolly and get enough pink wallpaper to make it a...

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Imagine what it would be like if Wes Anderson directed a porno. Now imagine somebody was able to rent a dolly and get enough pink wallpaper to make it a reality. If you’d like to see the version with the quick zoom in on the money shot, you’ll have to upgrade to ‘Premium’.

 

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Celebrities, They’re Just Like Us! Fred Willard Arrested For Public Masturbation http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/celebrities-theyre-just-like-us-fred-willard-arrested-for-public-masturbation/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/celebrities-theyre-just-like-us-fred-willard-arrested-for-public-masturbation/#comments Thu, 19 Jul 2012 16:13:11 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=249858 I'd expect this from Jim's Dad, but not you Fred Willard.

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Fred Willard is a hero in the comedy world. A standout performer in Christopher Guest‘s films due to his mastery of sketch and improvisational comedy. I’ve always wanted to shake his hand. Now… I’ll be sure to wear a glove.

Willard was arrested and charged with lewd behavior last night when police discovered him masturbating in an adult movie theater. How dare he? There could have been children there (that snuck in on one another’s shoulders while wearing a long trenchcoat)!

Give us the details TMZ and keep it classy and well-punctuated:

Fred Willard was arrested for lewd conduct last night in Hollywood when police allegedly caught him with his pants down in an adult movie theater … TMZ has learned.According to law enforcement sources, LAPD undercover vice officers went into the Tiki Theater in Hollywood and found the 78-year-old Anchorman star watching last night’s feature … with his penis exposed and in his hand. We‘re told Willard was arrested around 8:45PM and booked for lewd conduct.It was a quick release — we’re told he was out of police custody a short while later.As for which movie Fred was watching — there are 3 flicks in rotation at the theater … Follow Me 2, a XXX parody of The Client List, and Step Dad No. 2. Willard is best known for his memorable roles in Best in Show, For Your Consideration, American Wedding and Everybody Loves Raymond. According to IMDB, Fred is “rumored” to be in pre-production for a movie entitled … The Yank. It’s a comedy.7:06 AM PT — Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the LAPD vice officers were not conducting a raid … but rather a “random walk-through” of the premises. We’re told … when theaters like this get their license, they have to allow cops in whenever they want … to inspect. In fact, the theater has a sign posted in the front which warns customers that the theater is “viewed by LAPD.”The theater also warns, “No Alcohol, No Weapons, No smoking inside” … and no pets. The signs do not warn about flogging the dolphin.

It’s like they weren’t even listening to me.

I really don’t see what the big whoop is and why the LAPD is assigning man power to this. How about they get Lindsay Lohan off the streets or find the maniac (probably Lindsay) who left human lungs on the sidewalk. No, instead they need to focus on old men diddling themselves. THANK GOD Ernest Borgnine isn’t around to see this.

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Los Angeles Porn Actors Now Legally Required To Wrap Their Junk http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/los-angeles-porn-actors-now-legally-required-to-wrap-their-junk/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/los-angeles-porn-actors-now-legally-required-to-wrap-their-junk/#comments Wed, 18 Jan 2012 18:15:14 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=242803 If you came here looking for police porn, I have some bad news.

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Porn producers have fluffed up over the issue before, but the Los Angeles city council is playing hard ball, and has passed an ordnance that will deny permits to producers who do not use condoms in their films.

Luckily, the porn I like is made in a basement in Romania.

Earlier this year, producers threatened to leave town if authorities tried to slip in an ordinance that would require their actors to wear condoms while pounding one another. But the industry is now adopting a wait-and-see approach, hoping authorites won’t be able to get it up, so to speak.

“It’s going to be interesting to see how in fact they do try to enforce it and who’s going to fund it, and all of the time and effort they’re going to spend,” said Steven Hirsch, co-founder and co-chairman of Los Angeles-based Vivid, one of the largest makers of erotic movies.

“Ultimately I think what they will find is people will just stop shooting in the city of Los Angeles,” added Hirsch. “That’s a given.”

The ball is in porn’s hands now. Will they pack up their bags and board a Greyhound out of town in pursuit of their dreams?

Furthermore, penis. (Washington Post)

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Tips For Surviving The Great Porn Shutdown Of 2011 http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/tips-for-surviving-the-great-porn-shutdown-of-2011/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/tips-for-surviving-the-great-porn-shutdown-of-2011/#comments Tue, 30 Aug 2011 21:22:22 +0000 Penn Collins http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=226531 "Grandpa, where were you the day the porno stopped?"

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On Monday, an unidentified Los Angeles porn actor tested positive for HIV. In order to mitigate the risk to adult actors and actresses, adult film productions across Los Angeles and the San Fernando Valley have shut down as a precautionary measure until the results can be confirmed and steps can be taken to ensure the containment of the infection.

Sooooooo, it looks like we’ll be without porn for a little bit. Which is unfortunate, because if you’re anything like me, you’re going through it as fast as they’re making it. So this shutdown is going to leave us with a lot more time on our hands and a lot less of something else on them.

We’ve assembled a list of suggested activities and recommendations to see your way through the shutdown. Who knows? Maybe you’ll emerge from this stronger and better than you were before.

Because, honestly, you’re pretty weak and awful going into it.

15. See if Gangs of New York and Mary J. Blige’s What’s the 411? synch up the way Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz do.

14. Do some hand exercises to restore symmetry to your forearms.

13. Read The Help. I seriously have heard nothing but good things.

12. If you’re the porn actor in question, hunker down. You have some really unpleasant phone calls to make.

11. Try sitting on your hand and doing other things with your “stranger” hand, like writing a poem. Make it so it feels like someone else is brushing your teeth.

10. Just…just f*ckin’ drink, man.

9. Use your open schedule to go out and have sex with a girl. It’s not as easy as it is portrayed in porn films, but it’s really not that hard.

8. Try masturbating to something decidedly non-pornographic and time yourself. Does it take longer to climax while watching a Hispanic gardening crew or a blimp? Are your orgasms more intense in a drive-thru car wash than they are while you stare at a dog on a skateboard? You’ll find out!

Believe it or not, this joke was a lot more offensive before my editor made me change it.

7. Find another outlet for your frustrations. Instead of watching porn, step outside and berate a homeless person for being so poor.

6. Spend some time getting to know that girl chained to your radiator. Does she like Josh Groban?

5. Shave your body bare. Don’t look at me like that. Just do it. It will be…funny.

4. Discover how much more efficient it is typing with two hands. Capital letters and symbols are no longer the obstacles that they once were!

3. Go to a strip club and see how trying to bed porn stars in real life works out for you. No. Seriously. I’m sure you’ll be knee-deep in p*ssy in no time. You got this, buddy.

2. See what else is on the Internet. I heard there’s a site about sports, but I haven’t been able to find it.

1. Treat yourself to a good cry. It can be really therapeutic. NOTE: Do not masturbate during your cry. That would creep the hell out of anyone who ever managed to find out about it.

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9 Elvis Presley Movies That Sound Like They Could Be Porno http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/9-elvis-presley-movies-that-sound-like-they-could-be-porno/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-lists/9-elvis-presley-movies-that-sound-like-they-could-be-porno/#comments Wed, 17 Aug 2011 01:12:33 +0000 Jame Gumb http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=224722 'Clambake'? Sounds kinky!

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Today is the 34th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. As such, let’s take a moment to reflect on the fact that almost all of his awful, awful movies have titles that sound like they could be porno.

Why should we reflect on such a thing? Because it’s a lot more fun than reflecting on the fact that Elvis Presley, the King of Rock’n Roll, a superstar with riches and women beyond your wildest dreams, ended up dying fat, unhappy, alone and on a toilet. Compared to the indignity of dying while dropping a deuce, having your films mocked is a cake walk.

With that in mind, here are nine Elvis Presley films that sound like they could be porno.

Easy Come, Easy Go- 1967

The title for this film is almost too easy. Throw in the fact that the plot involves a go-go dancing yoga instructor and songs titled “Yoga Is as Yoga Does” and “The Love Machine,” and it’s hard to beleive it’s not a porno.

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‘Tron: Legacy’ Porn Parody ‘Pron’ Is In The Works http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-photos/tron-legacy-porn-parody-pron-is-in-the-works/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-photos/tron-legacy-porn-parody-pron-is-in-the-works/#comments Wed, 10 Nov 2010 17:47:03 +0000 Wookie Johnson http://www.screenjunkies.com/?p=7579 Since porno and adorable kittens are the Internet's chief exports, it was only a matter of time before a Tron: Legacy XXX porn parody rezzed into the real world. We'll keep you posted when an all-kitten parody appears.

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Since porno and adorable kittens are the Internet’s chief exports, it was only a matter of time before a Tron: Legacy XXX porn parody rezzed into the real world. We’ll keep you posted when an all-kitten parody appears.

As you can see pictured above, Zoe Voss is slipping into the leather bodysuit to fill the Olivia Wilde role. And Anthony Rosano has been cast to fill Zoe Voss. There’s no video yet, but I felt the need to report that this exists. Mostly because of the awesome title, Pron. I’m really happy they didn’t go the other route and name it Torn. Save that for Serbian porno. (Bleeding Cool)

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Best Fake Pornos in Mainstream Films http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/best-fake-pornos-in-mainstream-films/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/best-fake-pornos-in-mainstream-films/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Understatement of the Century: we love watching porn! But we also like movies made by semi-professional filmmakers that operate within the non-porn Hollywood system. When these two elements come together, it can make for a pretty satisfying cinematic experience. From The 40-Year-Old Virgin to 8MM, porn has long been referenced or addressed in mainstream films, but it is particularly sweet when the filmmakers take the next step and make up a fake porn movie. Some are actually filmed and shown on screen, while others are there in dialogue only -- but it’s all great. Check out a few of our favorite fake nudie flicks.  

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Understatement of the Century: we love watching porn! But we also like movies made by semi-professional filmmakers that operate within the non-porn Hollywood system. When these two elements come together, it can make for a pretty satisfying cinematic experience. From The 40-Year-Old Virgin to 8MM, porn has long been referenced or addressed in mainstream films, but it is particularly sweet when the filmmakers take the next step and make up a fake porn movie. Some are actually filmed and shown on screen, while others are there in dialogue only — but it’s all great. Check out a few of our favorite fake nudie flicks.

 

My Pipes Need Cleaning, Etc. from Clerks

Kevin Smith loves coming up with porn film names and his first film has a wonderful string of X-rated film names. In the movie, Randall is on the phone ordering a new supply of tapes for the video store. Here is the list of porn movies he lists off while a young kid is just a few feet away: "Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All T*t-F***ing Volume 8", "I Need Your C**k", "Ass-Worshipping R*m-Jobbers", "My C**t Needs Shafts", "C*m Clean", "C*m-Gargling Naked Sluts", "C*m Buns III", "C**ming in Socks", "C*m On Eileen", "Huge Black C**ks and Pearly White C*m", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", and "Pink P***y Lips".

Randall’s my hero.

Porn Name Bonus: Kevin Smith’s porn star name is Harry Jizz (thanks to the Porn Star Name Generator).

 

C*ckchuggers 2: C*ckchuggin’ from Southland Tales

For this fake porn to make an appearance, you have to sit through a kinda’ genius/mangled mess starring The Rock and Sarah Michelle Gellar. But a reference to a fake porn sequel to a real porn movie is always cool to see, so it’ll be worth the trip. Back me up on this.

Porn Name Bonus: The Rock’s porn star name is Hugh Rammer. Sarah Michelle Gellar would be called Tara Cumalot.

 

Star Whores from Zach and Miri Make A Porno

Yes, this movie is about making a porn movie, but let’s not lose the fake porno greatness happening in it. Kevin Smith — who is not the only porn lover appearing twice on this list — does his fake porn name thing again, except this time he builds an entire movie around it. The real smut industry would do themselves a favor by taking notes from Smith. It’s time we give porn movie titles some classing up.

Porn Name Bonus: Seth Rogen’s (Zach) porn star name is Uncle Dangle. Elizabeth Banks’ (Miri) is, oddly enough, Nurse Dangler.

 

Schindler’s Fist from Orgazmo

Orgazmo was a little film Trey Parker made before “South Park” blew up. It’s about a Mormon who starts making porn movies to pay for his wedding and goes by the name Captain Orgazmo. Schindler’s Fist is one of the titles here, which might be one of the greatest porn movie titles ever, but the real highlight of Orgazmo is the sex scene with T-Rex. Good God.

Porn Name Bonus: Trey Parker’ porn star name turned out to be General Asstronaut.

 

Danielle’s Kung Fu Porno from The Girl Next Door

Elisha Cuthbert may not be the greatest actress in Hollywood, but she was definitely born to portray a porn actress. The clip from this fake porn cast her as the ultimate test of a kung fu student’s training. And it doesn’t involv fighting, if you know what I mean. Funny, I don’t remember that stage of testing when I was 10 and trying to earn my yellow belt.

Porn Name Bonus:
Elisha Cuthbert’s porn star name is Slappy Dangle. Starting to see a pattern here…?

 

The German Scheisse Video from South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

In honor of the Scheisse video, enjoy some Mr. Hanky.

In the film, it’s the usual “South Park” stuff you know and love, and the kids also witness a clip of Cartman’s Mom in a German Scheisse video from back in the day. It, of course, involves poop and stuff. The sound effects alone can make a grown man dry heave. I second the question posed in the movie, “Dude, what the f*** is wrong with German people?”

Porn Name Bonus: Eric Cartman’s porn star name is Dick Spankalot.

 

Brock Landers: Angels Live in My Town from Boogie Nights

Boogie Nights was about the porn industry, but there was also a genius porn movie concept born out of it…a series of films about two action heros/sex stallions named Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell, played by Mark Wahlberg and John C. Reilly, respectively. Wahlberg, as Dirk Diggler, pitches the idea to Burt Reynolds in the movie and it becomes a hit. The trailer for it looked wonderfully awful, but my local adult store is still telling me it is unavailable. And I check on a daily basis.

Porn Name Bonus: Dirk Diggler’s porn star name of his porn star name would be Spanky Maxim.

 

Logjammin’ from The Big Lebowski

Perhaps the greatest of all fake porn movies is Logjammin’ from The Big Lebowski. The clip in the movie captures all the wonderful cliches that we have come to know and love in porn movies and sets up an inevitable threesome (which we do not get to see). Peter Stormare is the guy sent over to fix the cable at Bunny’s apartment because — as he says — “I am exxxpert!”

Porn Name Bonus: The Dude’s porn star name is Buck Spreadum.

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Luke Wilson Brings Even More Joy To Trillions in RED BAND ‘Middle Men’ Trailer http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/luke-wilson-brings-even-more-joy-to-trillions-in-red-band-middle-men-trailer/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/luke-wilson-brings-even-more-joy-to-trillions-in-red-band-middle-men-trailer/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 No shoes on the couch please. Here's a sexier, red bandier look at George Gallo's Middle Men. I'm guessing this trailer exists for anyone skeptical that the movie would feature F-bombs and boobies. Upon reviewing this footage, I can say it most certainly does. As well as some housewives with bigger things on their minds than light dusting. And perhaps hottest of all, Kevin... Pollak... FAPPING. Now that I've piqued your desire to a fever pitch, I won't waste anymore of your time with words. ON TO THE SWEET, SWEET IMAGES AFTER THE JUMP...

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No shoes on the couch please.

Here’s a sexier, red bandier look at George Gallo’s Middle Men. I’m guessing this trailer exists for anyone skeptical that the movie would feature F-bombs and boobies. Upon reviewing this footage, I can say it most certainly does. As well as some housewives with bigger things on their minds than light dusting. And perhaps hottest of all, Kevin… Pollak… FAPPING. Now that I’ve piqued your desire to a fever pitch, I won’t waste anymore of your time with words.

ON TO THE SWEET, SWEET IMAGES AFTER THE JUMP…

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Hustler’s ‘Avatar’ Porno Will Blow Your Mind (and Other Things) In 3D http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/hustlers-avatar-porno-will-blow-your-mind-and-other-things-in-3d/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/hustlers-avatar-porno-will-blow-your-mind-and-other-things-in-3d/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 We're through the looking glass here, people. Hustler has announced that their upcoming sexxed-up take on Avatar, entitled This Ain't Avatar XXX will be jamming more than ponytails into orifices in pants-swelling 3D. Though it's not the world's first porno (that distinction belongs to Octopussy 3D: A XXX Parody and Whorrie Potter and the Sorcerer's Balls), it will be Hustler's most expensive.This idea scares the crap out of me. I really don't want to be naked except for a pair of 3D glasses. That's a rule that I've set for my life and one that I don't intend to break. It's on my bucket list of things not to do. And what would happen if you cross your eyes while wearing those things?!! I don't know and don't want to know!! (Huffington Post)

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We’re through the looking glass here, people. Hustler has announced that their upcoming sexxed-up take on Avatar, entitled This Ain’ Avatar XXX will be jamming more than ponytails into orifices in pants-swelling 3D. Though it’s not the world’s first porno (that distinction belongs to Octopussy 3D: A XXX Parody and Whorrie Potter and the Sorcerer’s Balls), it will be Hustler’s most expensive.

This idea scares the crap out of me. I really don’t want to be naked except for a pair of 3D glasses. That’s a rule that I’ve set for my life and one that I don’t intend to break. It’s on my bucket list of things not to do. And what would happen if you cross your eyes while wearing those things?!! I don’t know and don’t want to know!! (Huffington Post)

 

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Garry Marshall Directs a Porno http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/garry-marshall-directs-a-porno/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/garry-marshall-directs-a-porno/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 There's already enough anxiety involved with sex. I don't need Gary Marshall's stammering adding to it. But look at that blurry rack! AROOOgah!10 Things You Never Knew About The Brat Pack (Moviefone)25 Weird Toilets (HolyTaco)Drunk Vagina Celebration (TotalProSports)Inglourious Grammar Nazis (FilmDrunk)Not Another Fighting Movie Written by Hector Echavarria (CagePotato)What the Hell Happened to Tough Video Games? (Unreality)3 Reasons Hooters Might Be for Sale (Asylum)12 Awesomely Artistic Styrofoam Cups (Maxim)Lindsay Lohan Would Make an Obedient Wife (CelebJihad)3D Coming to Game Shows (Pajiba)Nick Griffin is The Nicksterminator (Atom)Women Want to Get Down on Valentine's (MadeMan)5 Best Daytona 500 Finishes (AllLeftTurns)

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There’s already enough anxiety involved with sex. I don’t need Gary Marshall‘s stammering adding to it. But look at that blurry rack! AROOOgah!

10 Things You Never Knew About The Brat Pack (Moviefone)

25 Weird Toilets (HolyTaco)

Drunk Vagina Celebration (TotalProSports)

Inglourious Grammar Nazis (FilmDrunk)

Not Anothe Fighting Movie Written by Hector Echavarria (CagePotato)

What the Hell Happened to Tough Video Games? (Unreality)

3 Reasons Hooters Might Be for Sale (Asylum)

12 Awesomely Artistic Styrofoam Cups (Maxim)

Lindsay Lohan Would Make an Obedient Wife (CelebJihad)

3D Coming to Game Shows (Pajiba)

Nick Griffin is The Nicksterminator (Atom)

Women Want to Get Down on Valentine’s (MadeMan)

5 Best Daytona 500 Finishes (AllLeftTurns)

 

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World’s First 3D Porn Will Revolutionize Fapping http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/worlds-first-3d-porn-will-revolutionize-fapping/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/worlds-first-3d-porn-will-revolutionize-fapping/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 We're through the looking glass here, people. Caligula director Tinto Brass has announced that due to Avatar, the technology now exists to film a Cleveland Steamer in stereoscopic 3D.The Italian erotic director plans to "revisit an abandoned project about a Roman emperor that was ruined by Americans, and go from there." It's obvious that Brass has sour grapes (hehe) with his Caligula partners, who added hardcore sex scenes without his consent to the famously terrible film. The movie was so bad in fact, that Roger Ebert referred to it as "sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash," and "the worst piece of sh*t I've ever masturbated to." Just because we have the ability, doesn't necessarily mean that we should use it. As technology burgeons, this debate will continue and deserves considerable thought. We need to be careful how we move forward as a society with cloning, stem cells, nuclear weapons, and the illusion that a vagina is squirting directly at you. (THR)

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We’re through the looking glass here, people. Caligula director Tinto Brass has announced that due to Avatar, the technology now exists to film a Cleveland Steamer in stereoscopic 3D.

The Italian erotic director plans to "revisit an abandoned project about a Roman emperor that was ruined by Americans, and go from there." It’s obvious that Brass has sour grapes (hehe) with his Caligula partners, who added hardcore sex scenes without his consent to the famously terrible film. The movie was so bad in fact, that Roger Ebert referred to it as "sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash," and "the worst piece of sh*t I’ve ever masturbated to."

Just because we have the ability, doesn’t necessarily mean that we should use it. As technology burgeons, this debate will continue and deserves considerable thought. We need to be careful how we move forward as a society with cloning, stem cells, nuclear weapons, and the illusion that a vagina is squirting directly at you. (THR)

 

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‘Jersey Shore’ to Be Given Porn Treatment http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/jersey-shore-to-be-given-porn-treatment/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/tv/tv-news/jersey-shore-to-be-given-porn-treatment/#comments Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Like Dexter and Paranormal Activity before it, Jersey Shore will be given the porn treatment. To clarify, Jersey Shore the program is being given the porn treatment, not the cast. The Jersey Shore castmembers are not in any pornos (yet). Zero Tolerance Entertainment has announced via the NSFW Popporn that they plan to artistically birth a porn parody of the MTV reality hit. Jersey Whores will be written and directed by Spock Buckton and Brian Bangs with Mike Quasar pointing a camera (and his penis) at it.I'm confused. Up until ten minutes ago I assumed Jersey Shore WAS a porno. Just one with an irritatingly slow build. Guess I'll pull my pants back on now. (via Warming Glow) 

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Like Dexter and Paranormal Activity before it, Jersey Shore will be given the porn treatment. To clarify, Jersey Shore the program is being given the porn treatment, not the cast. The Jersey Shore castmembers are not in any pornos (yet). Zero Tolerance Entertainment has announced via the NSFW Popporn that they plan to artistically birth a porn parody of the MTV reality hit. Jersey Whores will be written and directed by Spock Buckton and Brian Bangs with Mike Quasar pointing a camera (and his penis) at it.

I’m confused. Up until ten minutes ago I assumed Jersey Shore WAS a porno. Just one with an irritatingly slow build. Guess I’ll pull my pants back on now. (via Warming Glow

 

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‘ROGER EBERT’ REVIEWS A PORNO http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/roger-ebert-reviews-a-porno/ http://www.screenjunkies.com/movies/movie-news/roger-ebert-reviews-a-porno/#comments Fri, 31 Jul 2009 17:00:44 +0000 Jame Gumb By Roger Ebert*There is an ugly scene in Squirt In My Gape 3 that I want to tell you about. A young woman played by Bobbi Star has just had her gaping anus filled with both male and female ejaculate. We see the girl, pretty yet exhausted, contorting her body in such away as to avoid spilling the fluids. The cameraman moves in to give the audience the requisite close-up of the genetic ooze she is holding ever so precariously.?? We expect the scene to end, but it does not. The audience is left waiting for what seems like an eternity. Then, without warning, a bubble begins to form.

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By Roger Ebert*

There is an ugly scene in Squirt In My Gape 3 that I want to tell you about. A young woman played by Bobbi Star has just had her gaping anus filled with both male and female ejaculate. We see the girl, pretty yet exhausted, contorting her body in such away as to avoid spilling the fluids. The cameraman moves in to give the audience the requisite close-up of the genetic ooze she is holding ever so precariously.

 We expect the scene to end, but it does not. The audience is left waiting for what seems like an eternity. Then, without warning, a bubble begins to form.

Before you have time to fully process what is happening, audible flatulence rings out. 

As the scene finally faded to black, I couldn’t help but think to myself that if I had wanted to watch Cum-Fart Cocktails, I would have rented Cum-Fart Cocktails. 

The needlessness of the fart took me out of the movie and into the minds of its makers. What were they thinking? Have they so lost touch with human nature that they think fans of the squirt genre will like this scene? Do they think it’s funny? Did the actors voice any objections? It’s the job of the producer to keep a film on track; did the director notice anything distasteful? Or is it possible that everyone connected with the film has become so desensitized by the relentless cynical aggression of Gonzo porn that the scene passed without comment?

The film is billed as a “a celebration of the finest gaping a**holes” overflowing with “excessive amounts of female ejaculate.” I’m not quite sure what measurement constitutes an acceptable amount of female ejaculate. A quart? A liter? I doubt the producers gave it much thought. It seems they didn’t give much thought to any aspect of the film. Squirt In My Gape 3 is a bloated, unpleasant assembly-line extrusion of forced squirts and questionable orgasms. By trying too hard to please fans of both squirting and ass gape, the film ends up pleasing no one.

Oh, it’s all done with competent technique. William H., the director, is a master of this sort of thing. But there is not an original idea in the film. Even Sindee Jennings, whom I adored in Big Black Beast 11, seems little more than a bargain-basement ripoff of Cytherea in the classic Squirt Woman 2: The Drinks are on Me.

The plot, briefly, involves two girls meeting for the first time, and putting aside their initial (feigned) mistrust in order to work together to please the same cock. This scene repeats itself five times. No one in the movie is very interesting; our eyes glaze over during yet another bone-tired retread of sex scenes that we have seen over and over again.  I wonder what the atmosphere was like on the set every day. How does it feel to make a movie where the characters don’t seem sure about who they are?

Occasionally there is variety, as when a starlet fills her partner’s gaping anus to the brim. I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see anything original about yet another a winking a**hole, even if it is filled with lady cum. The movie has a carelessness that shows a contempt for the audience. It is so choppy in its nervous editing that a lot of the time we’re simply watching senseless kinetic action. The anal and the ejaculations are broken down into closeups that deny us any sense of the physical relationship of the actors or the strategy behind the sex. It’s all just movement.

Consider the scene between  Flower Tucci and Mya Nichole. Both are so pleasant that it’s a shame to spoil their party. But toil and try as they do, the sex bogs down in relentless predictability and the puzzling overuse of squirting. I was never sure who was being pounded, or why. Maybe I missed something, but it didn’t make much difference. Eventually, well after the male star has already finished, Tucci bends Nichole over for yet another squirt to the gape. As nearly as I can tell, the only reason this took place is because there was some sort of gape-squirt quota to fill. In a movie that is painfully long at 157 minutes, why is this scene taking up our time? 

I liked the first two films in the Squirt In My Gape series, although my description of the sequel as "a really rather brilliant vomitorium of vaginal viscosity" might have sounded like faint praise. But the third film is a mess. It lacks the sharp narrative line and crisp clarity of the earlier films, and descends too easily into shapeless sex scenes that are chopped into so many cuts that they lack all form or rhythm.

Should you actually pay money to see this movie at a time when Mother-Daughter Exchange Club Part 3, Strap Attack 8, A** Eaters Unanimous 15, Forced Bi Cuckolds and I’ll Toss Your Salad If You Butter My Buns are all available? I don’t think so.

Rating = 2 Stars

*Not True

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