Sooooooo, it looks like we’ll be without porn for a little bit. Which is unfortunate, because if you’re anything like me, you’re going through it as fast as they’re making it. So this shutdown is going to leave us with a lot more time on our hands and a lot less of something else on them.

We’ve assembled a list of suggested activities and recommendations to see your way through the shutdown. Who knows? Maybe you’ll emerge from this stronger and better than you were before.

Because, honestly, you’re pretty weak and awful going into it.

15. See if Gangs of New York and Mary J. Blige’s What’s the 411? synch up the way Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz do.

14. Do some hand exercises to restore symmetry to your forearms.

13. Read The Help. I seriously have heard nothing but good things.

12. If you’re the porn actor in question, hunker down. You have some really unpleasant phone calls to make.

11. Try sitting on your hand and doing other things with your “stranger” hand, like writing a poem. Make it so it feels like someone else is brushing your teeth.

10. Just…just f*ckin’ drink, man.

9. Use your open schedule to go out and have sex with a girl. It’s not as easy as it is portrayed in porn films, but it’s really not that hard.

8. Try masturbating to something decidedly non-pornographic and time yourself. Does it take longer to climax while watching a Hispanic gardening crew or a blimp? Are your orgasms more intense in a drive-thru car wash than they are while you stare at a dog on a skateboard? You’ll find out!

Believe it or not, this joke was a lot more offensive before my editor made me change it.

7. Find another outlet for your frustrations. Instead of watching porn, step outside and berate a homeless person for being so poor.

6. Spend some time getting to know that girl chained to your radiator. Does she like Josh Groban?

5. Shave your body bare. Don’t look at me like that. Just do it. It will be…funny.

4. Discover how much more efficient it is typing with two hands. Capital letters and symbols are no longer the obstacles that they once were!

3. Go to a strip club and see how trying to bed porn stars in real life works out for you. No. Seriously. I’m sure you’ll be knee-deep in p*ssy in no time. You got this, buddy.

2. See what else is on the Internet. I heard there’s a site about sports, but I haven’t been able to find it.

1. Treat yourself to a good cry. It can be really therapeutic. NOTE: Do not masturbate during your cry. That would creep the hell out of anyone who ever managed to find out about it.

This is not to be confused with the Malin Akerman film Inferno, which is also about Lovelace. Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman (Howl) will direct a different version of the Linda Lovelace story, which chronicles her ups and down (as in the bobbing of her head) in the 1970s pornography business.

A biopic about the porn industry in the 70s starring James Franco. Who says Hollywood is out of fresh ideas? (Deadline)

Gianna Michaels, like many hard working adult film stars, came from the fast food industry before being discovered for her natural talents. They have led her to several adult industry awards and a small part in Piranha 3D, where she is eaten by the carnivorous fish while parasailing nude, of course.

A word from Gianna: “I worked at a hamburger joint up in Seattle called Dick’s.”

I won’t comment on the irony.

More pics of Gianna after the jump…

Riley Steele, a current popular star in the porn biz, makes her official big screen debut with Piranha 3D. From nude underwater swimming with Kelly Brook and making out with Jessica Szohr, the movie puts her adult entertainment assets to good use.

A word from Riley: “What matters most is how you see yourself.”

Naked or clothed? Because there’s a world of difference.

More pics of Riley after the jump…

Ashlynn Brooke is the “Queen Of The XXX Porn Parodies.” From 30 Rock: A XXX Parody to Seinfeld: A XXX Parody, she has done them all in the last 5 years. While not taking one for the XXX team, she’ll be popping up her talents in Piranha 3D this week as the fitfully suite “Cheerleader” character, nude in 3D, of course.

A word from Ashlynn: “I love my job and I love to please people.”

It’s very rare that a person loves their job. Do it until it hurts.

More pics of Ashlynn after the jump…

_{Eat your heart out, Sasha Grey. And since you’re here, eat your fart out, as well. Tee-hee!}

Pornstar Belladonna has landed her first role in a mainstream movie. The adult starlet is set to appear in Stripped, a new horror film which follows three young boys "trapped in a house with a ‘family’ of malevolent women." We can only assume that Belladonna will play the part of Nelson Mandela.

For those of you unfamiliar with Belladonna’s work (like myself), she is the Steve Buscemi of the porn industry. What she lacks in the looks department she makes up for with raw talent and determination. And just like Steve, she’s not afraid to take a fist in her "ying-ling" or her "who-ha." Wait, does Steve even have a "who-ha?" And what’s a "ying-ling?" Oh….oh god!

You’re a filthy whore, Steve Buscemi. A filthy, filthy whore. (Cinema Blend)

Stormy Daniels, also known simply as Stormy, is a porn star, screenwriter, and director. She also appeared in the The 40-Year-Old Virgin as the object of Andy’s fantasy after he viewed one of her films. She tried to run for a Senate seat in her hometown of Louisiana, but then soon realized there are pics everywhere of her getting banged.

A word from Stormy: I am ready today to declare that should I see the office of U.S. Senator from the great state of Louisiana that I will do so as a Republican.”