Though Cusack doesn’t seem like the obvious choice for the lead, it’s actually fitting seeing as both men need a hit. What better way to show some range and stretch himself as an actor than playing a character involved with Viagra-popping, Oxycodone, and yelling “slut” and “prostitute” at young, female college students? I should amend that. What better way to show some range and stretch himself as an actor than playing a character involved with Viagra-popping, Oxycodone, and yelling “slut” and “prostitute” at young, female college students in a non-Hot Tub Time Machine sequel?

Seriously though, how did this role not go to Meat Loaf? (NY Times)

Do you, Jesse? Really?

While it may be the most recent example of Jesse Ventura spouting crazy, it’s far from the only instance. Ventura has always been a proponent of the “straight talk express,” a euphemism Ventura crafted to convey honest and frequently unpopular or unspoken sentiments on a national level. He utilized the divisive practice in getting elected, but it seems as though people have found the schtick wearing thin since he left office in 2003.

Here are more than a few instances of “The Body” exercising his right to free speech, regardless of the hit his perceived sanity might take.

Ventura Walks Off The Opie And Anthony Show

Opie and Anthony have had a contentious relationship with the outspoken former wrestler ever since this incident in which he stormed off the show, claiming he was ganged-up on by the radio show gang. Here he was railing on 9/11 conspiracies, and acting more than a little patronizing while doing it.

Someone is bound to storm out of the room when they share it with Ventura, and since Opie and Anthony are the show’s hosts, it makes sense that it was Jesse that busted out.

Jesse Gets In A Shouting Match Over The War In Iraq…At The Baltimore Book Festival

Talk about the wrong forum. Ventura can’t help himself from getting embroiled in debate, even long after he’s held office. This is from 2010‘s Baltimore Book Festival. Ventura is sitting on a panel when he gets heckled by someone for his views on the war on terror. Ventura responds, and derails what was probably a very pleasant conversation about Walt Whitman or something.

Ian McKellan

The hands down best choice for the role is Sir Ian McKellan. Not only do they share a physical resemblance, but McKellan is an amazing actor that audiences sympathize with even when he’s doing evil things like playing a Nazi or hooking Anna Paquin up to the Statue of Liberty’s laser gyroscope. This is an important quality to have if you want to rely on a battery of attack ads.

Tigger

Probably the most accomplished performer on this list, Tigger has proven himself a box office draw time and time again. Tigger’s career spans over sixty years and he still remains a favorite with kids and adults alike. BUT his works is a little childish. We get it. He likes to bounce. He’s a very physical performer but it’s time that this tiger find a role he can really sink his teeth into. Surely he must be eager to prove he’s also nimble as a dramatic actor. If only Disney would release him from his contract.

Fred Astaire

This one could be a bit tricky. Fred Astaire passed away in 1987 but Hollywood has come a long way since then. Computers today could easily render a Fred Astaire composite to tell the story of Paul‘s race for the presidency. But if they’re going to go to all that trouble, they could just as easily render a composite of Paul himself. Wouldn’t bring in the Broadway crowd though…

Ralph Wiggum – The Simpsons

Ah yes, Ralph Wiggum. The creepy child of Chief Clancy Wiggum. You might not remember the Springfield Primary skyrocketed young Master Wiggum to political center stage. On the strength of the important so-called “Yellow Primary,” Wiggum was able to secure the nomination of both major political parties. Still, we’ll never know what might have happened with Wiggum at the helm. His bipartisan style is still a model for those seeking to unite the country around a common program.

Greg Stilson – The Dead Zone

I’m most definitely not talking about the boring TV show with the nerd from The Breakfast Club. In fact, I’m going to go on record as saying that The Breakfast Club sucks and the presence of a cast member is a bad, bad sign. But, anyway, the original film The Dead Zone comes from a land of perfectness and awesome. David Cronenberg? Check. Christopher Walken? Check. Mostly faithful adaptation of a boss Stephen King novel? Check. Total downer of an ending? Check. Stilson was to be the president who presides over nuclear holocaust, so it’s pretty awesome that Johnny got him to use a kid as a human shield. Still, I’d prefer him to the current candidates.

Robert Redford – The Watchmen

In The Watchman comic, Robert Redford threw his hat in the ring against Richard Nixon in 1988. After five terms of Dick in office, America was ready for a change. It was that or the giant squid monster or whatever the hell that thing is at the end. Apparently some things never change and one of those things is America deciding it wants a cowboy actor running its affairs.

Chuck Norris (Mike Huckabee)

Dude, have you heard about that Chuck Norris meme? The one where he can do all kinds of awesome stuff merely by roundhouse kicking? Well, the roundhouse kicks didn’t do much to help Mike Huckabee. Not only did he not secure the nomination in 2008, he declined to even run this time around. What’s an out-of-work action star to do in 2012? Well, Norris is going in for Ron Paul this time, the only candidate for doddering old men afraid of the Federal Reserve.

Gary Busey (Newt Gingrich)

Things have been going pretty well for Gingrich as of late. He’s gaining in both national and key state polls. And he’s securing critical endorsements, like Gary Busey. Busey brought a whole new meaning to the words “bughouse nuts” when he starred in an early celebreality show. We got an insight into the mind of Busey and it was hard to tell how much of it was genuine and how much of it was torturing a man foolish enough to make a TV show based around him. Newt is sitting pretty now among the key wackjob constituency, having the endorsements of Busey and Herman Cain.

Adam Sandler (Rudy Giuliani)

Nothing says class, sophistication and nuanced political thought more than Adam Sandler’s endorsement. Rudy must have worked hard wining and dining the man who’s made a career out of screaming and talking in baby voices. The endorsement of America’s favorite manchild didn’t do a lot for the Manhattan Mussolini, however. He failed miserably after months of being considered the presumptive nominee.

Those hippies from Occupy Wall Street enjoy cashing their welfare checks, plopping down with a big bowl of medicinal marijuana and watching The Daily Show and Glee, while Republicans like to get off work from the mill, sit down to a steak diner, and polish their rifles while watching The Mentalist, Leno, and Swamp Loggers.

Republicans seem to favor procedurals, while Democrats like comedies and shows about the media. That’s awfully on the nose, Democrats. Republicans also love the show Swamp People. When did the love affair between conservatives and swamps start? I completely missed that! Surprisingly, Republicans also enjoy Wheel of Fortune, which is odd because I would have figured they consider it a form of welfare.

It’s not a terribly surprising list, but we can use it as ammo against differently-minded people, which is the greatest gift of all this holiday season.

See the full results here.

Finally, someone has the balls to nail those Muppet bastards right to the wall and expose them for the filthy leftists they are. In a recent segment, Fox News decried the latest Muppet movie for depicting a wealthy oilman as a villain, thereby indoctrinating a generation of children into the Marxist movement. First they take Manhattan, then they take Berlin.

Here’s a few of my favorite quotes from this hard-hitting news segment:

“The only thing green that should be up on that screen should be Kermit the Frog.”

BURN!

(Kids) have been indoctrinated for years by this kind of stuff.

No argument here. I’ve been sucking dick ever since I heard The Rainbow Connection at age 6.

“You wonder why we’ve got a bunch of Occupy Wall Street people walking around all around the country.”

In all fairness, the OWS people (if you consider them “people”) were doing a lot more sitting in one place than they were walking. And now that I think about it, have you ever seen Oscar the Grouch walk? Coincidence?

“I just wish liberals could leave little kids alone.”

God damn liberals like Jerry Sandusky need to stay away from my kids!

“They should have…the evil person be the Obama administration?”

Good idea, but I’m not very comfortable with my child being exposed to a black Muppet.

“Over the years they’ve gotten more liberal.”

Have you ever seen a picture of Jim Henson? He’s a god damn pinko if I’ve ever seen one.

Of course, to keep things fair and balanced, Fox’s token leftist straw man (who in this case, was a woman named Caroline Heldman) came in to confirm the grand Muppet conspiracy.

“You call it brainwashing, I call this education. It’s a shame they couldn’t have put up a financial services tycoon.”

Smooth move, Caroline. You blew the whole thing. Here’s a tip for anyone being asked to come on Fox News to stick up for a Democratic cause: If they’re asking you, it’s because you’re stupid. Don’t go (or do, I don’t care).

But perhaps the most insulting part of the whole segment is the fact that host Eric Bolling lifted a quote from Adam Carolla’s recent (and kind of awesome) anti-Occupy Wall Street rant.

Carolla’s rant:

It used to be, back in the day, father’d be walking his son down the sidewalk and you’d see a guy go by in a Rolls Royce and the father would say, “There goes Mr. Jenkins. Look up to him. That guy works hard. That guy built a company. That guy built an empire. Now look at him. He’s got his Rolls Royce.” Now it’s like, “Oh! Look at him. Does he need that car? Why does he need that car?”

Eric Bolling’s quote:

I remember when I was a little kid, we were poor, we were dead broke, in fact, and my parents would see someone wealthy driving by and be like, “See that guy, he started a business, he worked hard, you can be like that.” Not pointing the finger at Tex Richamn and saying “he’s a bad guy.”

If you want to bitch about Occupy Wall Street, more power to you. But at least be original (says the guy who just stole an article idea from Vulture).

The Roots, who have always had a sense of humor about the intro music for guests on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, welcomed GOP candidate/person-to-be-taken-seriously Michelle Bachmann onto the show by performing an instrumental version of Fishbone’s “Lyin’ Ass Bitch.”

I’m guessing that, since that song is 26 years old and very obscure, it wasn’t a coincidence.

So…is this worse than the time they played out Spencer and Heidi to Beck’s “Loser” or Joe Jackson’s “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” for Jessica Biel (cause she was dating JT, ya see)?

What a dumb rhetorical question. Yeah, this is worse. Though the “Loser” intro gives it a run for its money.

Is it really, really funny?

Families across America shouldn’t be subjected to that word.

USA values preclude such a deragatory term being bandied about.

Can’t we find a more adult level of discourse?

Knowing that this is where we are as a country saddens me.

You have to decide that for yourself.

Everyone has a different opinion, all of which are equally valid.

Surely you can find another avenue for political commentary.

Cheer up, though, Rick Perry. Your blunder wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as these famous political screw ups.

Howard Dean

Howard Dean’s campaign for the Democratic nomination fell to shit after he admitted a spastic scream while working the crowd at a rally. I love the idea that someone can be in a room filled with their strongest supporters, but as soon as they do something dorky, it’s all over. It’s the political equivalent of your wife catching you watching Torchwood.

Sarah Palin with Katie Couric

Katie Couric‘s interview of Sarah Palin confirmed everyone’s suspicion that the vice presidential candidate didn’t have too much going for her in the smarts department. She failed to mention any Supreme Court rulings beyond Roe v. Wade, couldn’t recall the names of any of the newspapers she reads (“All of ‘em, any of ‘em”), and got her head stuck in a honeypot.

Like I said, a lot to think about. And should Hollywood look to tell the story of these Republican candidates, here are the actors and entertainers who could easily be cast to play them.

Herman Cain Portrayed by Biff Henderson

I’m sure he has excellent union benefits, but it’s time that The Late Show’s Biff Henderson took on a bigger role. His recent performance as “Cappy” in Larry Crowne doesn’t count. Biff deserves to be in a movie that people see. Though I can’t imagine Biff launching volleys against the Occupy Wall Street protesters. He’s much more likely to make them look ridiculous in a pre-taped segment.

Mitt Romney Portrayed by Henry Czerny

As Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney eliminated a $3 million deficit. As Kittridge in Mission: Impossible, Henry Czerny walked around wearing a trench coat. That’s good enough for me! Cast the man, dammit.

Jon Huntsman Portrayed by Peter Berg

Should Battleship take a pounding at the box office, director Peter Berg may want to consider a return to acting. What better way than by taking the high profile role of Utah Governor Jon Huntsman? Of course, if other candidates for the role do some digging and discover his role in Corky Romano, he may be forced to resign from the race.