The new outing is supposed to have more swashbuckling, less head scratching, which is good. After all, Americans come to these movies to see crazy spectacle and Johnny Depp acting like a drunk, gay Keith Richards, damn it. Who wants to also have to follow a crazy plot?

On Stranger Tides is about looking for the Fountain of Youth. What if Jack Sparrow finds it and the fountain grants him eternal youth as an animatron, living forever as a creepy robot who can only sort of move?

So, I’m gonna go over to the mermaids and be all like, “Johnny Depp is overexposed these days,” “Captain Jack Sparrow is a total gaygo,” “god, do we really need another Pirates movie poster” – and then you come in, pretend to punch me in the stomach and bam: you’re in with three hot mermaid chicks. Hope you can breath underwater and have sex underwater without suffocating. Oh, and you totally owe me. It’s times like these I wish I wasn’t married to that brazen wench of mine.

Hey, are we going over there or what? Cause on May 18th those fin-flapping bitches are gonna swim into theaters nationwide and you’ll have blown your big chance. Just sayin’. (Empire Online)

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES – You may be quick to criticize these pictures (or the existence of the film entirely) as looking exactly like the other films in the series. Then you’d look like a damned fool. They’re clearly wearing more blue in this film and Johnny Depp‘s hair is on loan from “American Idol” runner-up Crystal Bowersox.

TH GREEN LANTERN – In this very exciting picture, Green Lantern and Hector Hammond are chilling together at some kind of premiere. You can see the Lantern is about to conjure a light ball or something else cosmic between his palms. It’s weird to see Peter Sarsgaard playing the ugly guy. I guess Jackie Earle Haley was booked.

THE MUPPETS – Jason Segal and Amy Adams cut a rug. They will later wrap the rug fragments around Segal’s forearm and hot glue eyeballs to it.

Dame Judi Dench has signed on for a cameo in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Not surprisingly, Latino Review is reporting that Dame Judi will play a noblewoman.

Director Rob Marshall asked Dench to play a cameo role in which Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) escaped into a carriage with a noblewoman (Dench). As Sparrow used his charm, he also managed to rob her.

This entire “carriage of a noblewoman” setup is very reminiscent of a scene from the classic 2005 adult film, Pirates, staring Jesse Jane and Evan Stone. Will Dench be in the running for AVN’s “Best New Starlet” award this year? Only time will tell.

Johnny Depp made one little British girl’s dreams come true when he showed up at her school in full Captain Jack Sparrow wardrobe to help her murder her teachers Break it down fo’ me, Daily Mail:

The star is currently in south-east London filming the fourth Pirates Of The Caribbean movie On Stranger Tides and arrived at the Meridian Primary School dressed in full character as Captain Jack Sparrow.
He made the one-off trip after nine-year-old pupil Beatrice Delap wrote to the star asking for help staging a ‘mutiny’ against the teachers.
The school was told just ten minutes before that Depp would be arriving and two blacked-out cars swept through the school gates.
Beatrice revealed what she had written in the letter to the star – or rather his salty seadog alter ego.
She said: ‘Captain Jack Sparrow, At Meridian Primary School, we are a bunch of budding young pirates.  Normally we’re a right handful, but we’re having a bit of trouble mutiny-ing against the teachers! We’d love if you could come and help.
‘Beatrice Delap, aged nine, a budding pirate.’

She said that she was then asked by the star to make herself known from the assembled pupils once he arrived, and gave her a cuddle.  Beatrice marvelled: ‘He gave me a hug and he said, “Maybe we shouldn’t mutiny today ‘cos there are police outside monitoring me.”‘

Ten minutes warning?!? That’s hardly any time to prepa– oh my God!! He’s Here now!! Hi Johnny, how are you? …. Oh, now he’s jumping out the window. What a weirdo.

Sure, the grammar is incorrect, but the fail is spot on.

Here are your form-fitting links.

_{Critic Vs. Critic: Is The Internet Good Or Bad For Movie Criticism? (Moviefone)}

_{Porn Judge’s Case Not Looking So Hot (Asylum)}

_{30 Greatest On-Stage Falls Of All Time (Ranker)}

_{25 Cosplay Girls From Fan Expo 2010 (HolyTaco)}

The Pacific‘ Sells 3D Battle Of Midway Pitch (_FilmDrunk)

_{Clooney-Off: Jack VS. Jack Foley (Maxim)}

_{Girl Busts Her Ass Sliding Down A Rail (BarStoolSports)}

_{7 Ways To Make The Red Carpet More Interesting (EgoTV)}

_{So Damn Sure  Of Ourselves, Aren’t We? (Pajiba)}

_{What Do These Two Ladies Have In Common (Unreality)}

_{Now This Is A Goal Line  Stand! (TotalProSports)}

_{23 Clever Ways To Wear Duct Tape (Smosh)}

_{Best Boobs On TV: Christina Hendricks Vs. Sofia Vergara (BroBible)}

_{Vanessa Hudgens Claims TO Pwn Noobs (CelebJihad)}

_{‘Never Back Down 2′ In The Works? (CagePotato)}

True Blood‘ Cast Dumps HBO For’Mad Men‘ Bash (_PopEater)

_{Deep Fried Beer And Frozen Beer (MadeMan)}

_{In 3D, you could smell the rum.}

Right after the Tron Legacy panel at Comic-Con, Disney screened a teaser trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. It basically features Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow letting everyone know that the movie is a thing and they can see it next summer. It was in 3D only so Capt. Jack could awkwardly shove a bottle of rum into the mostly underage audience. I took an imaginary swig, but imagine all those tween alcoholics in attendence. The 3D must have been torture for them.

Check out the teaser after the jump…

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides Teaser Trailer – Watch more Funny Videos

What came first: the chicken or the egg? Well, if scientists are to be believed, it was the chicken.

Now, for an even more puzzling quandary. What came first: the amusement park ride or the movie with the same name as an amusement park ride? When it comes to Disney, the answer is usually the ride.

As mentioned in our Comic-Con Day 1 roundup, Guillermo del Toro is taking a page from Pirates of the Caribbean and developing a film based on the iconic Disneyland ride, Haunted Mansion.

“Millions of people from around the world visit The Haunted Mansion each year, but no one has ever had a tour guide like Guillermo del Toro,” said Rich Ross, Chairman of The Walt Disney Studios. “Guillermo is one of the most gifted and innovative filmmakers working today and he is going to take audiences on a visually-thrilling journey like they’ve never experienced before.”

If the film is anything like Pirates, audiences should be in for a real treat.  And if this is successful, I think Disney should follow it up with another amusement park-inspired film entitled $12 Hot Dog.

French Actress Astrid Berges-Frisby has been cast as Syrena The Hot Mermaid (not official title) in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Rob Marshall pretended they saw her foreign films La Fille du Puisatier and La Premiere Etoile and decided to give the young actress a shot in the ring with Johnny Depp. Also, she has real boobies.

Ian McShane also stars in the fourth Pirates installment as the infamous Blackbeard, with Penelope Cruz playing his daughter. Do Spainiards and the French get along? Can we cause a rift in the countries’ relationship? I’m all for world peace, but I would absolutely loooooove some on-set cat fight pics. (/Film)

^{Let’s thank the Internet for this nightmare image.}

Disney has given Ian McShane the executive order to stop shaving. Deadwood‘s pimp and murderer has been selected to portray the notorious pirate Blackbeard in Rob Marshall‘s Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides. It’s time to celebrate. Open the f*ckin’ canned peaches!

If McShane signs on, he’ll be squaring off against Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow as he slurs and mumbles and gets slapped by women while trying to find the Fountain of Youth. Penelope Cruz has also joined the cast recently as Depp’s atractivo sexualmente foil (translation: corset boobs). With these two casting additions, this could be a film to look forward to. Richardson has given it his seal of approval.

 (THR)

Although his name has been attached to a slew of projects recently, Steven Spielberg has set his sights on Harvey as his next to direct. James Stewart starred in the original as a man who’s best friend is a six-foot tall invisible rabbit. No word yet on casting or the unnecessary special effects that will bastardize this remake but let’s see, who in Hollywood could pull off a protagonist who sees things that may or may not be there? Joaquin Pheonix, put down your microphone and dookie gold ropes. Steven Spielberg needs you. (The Playlist)

Check out these other morning links…

Dispute settled. Futurama cast returns. (/Film)
Tom Arnold is full of sh*t. (MTV)
What Michael Moore really wants to do is direct. (First Showing)
Mary-Ann from True Blood. What up with her? (TV Squad)
Rob Marshall is going to make Pirates 4 faaabbbbuuullllooouuussss! (Empire)