Screen Junkies » piranha 3dd

The Masterworks Of David Hasselhoff

Wookie Johnson — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 16:16:44 +0000

David Hasselhoff is best known for his roles on Knight Rider and Baywatch. This weekend he trades in on his suave lifeguard image in Piranha 3DD. In the film, he parodies his own parodying of himself to play himself cashing in by appearing at the water park where all the girls with double D boobs hang out. It’s the role he was born to play.

In celebration of the Hoff’s triumphant return (premiere?) to the big screen, we’ve decided to explore the thespian’s masterworks. I don’t know whether I should say he’s done it all or there’s nothing he won’t do. Both are compliments, in this sense.

Revenge of the Cheerleaders

In this early role, Hasselhoff hones his craft in the role of “Boner.” The magic starts around the 2:15 mark.

Baywatch: Nights

Baywatch: Nights started out as the sexy, grown-up version of Baywatch. 50-year old lifeguard Mitch Buchanan began moonlighting with his mentor at a private detective agency. Ratings weren’t so good so the premise was tweaked in the second season. Inspired by the success of The X-Files, the show was given a paranormal twist. Somehow or another it was canceled shortly after.

The truth is out there.

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Before Sam Jackson donned the famed eye patch, it was worn by David Hasselhoff. I’m assuming they cleaned it in between movies. Although that could explain all those varicose eye socket veins Fury was sporting in The Avengers. Don’t f*ck with pinkeye.

Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical

It’s perhaps his most challenging role. Or at least one of the only ones where he was required to wear a top hat. Hasselhoff stars as both Dr. Henry Jekyll and his murderous alter-ego, Mr. Edward Hyde in this Broadway adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic story. And it’s two hours and fifteen minutes of this:

There’s only one way to make this show more ridiculous. And it’s this:

Burger

Whether it be performance art, a Carl’s Jr. viral ad, or a desperate cry for help, it’s no understatement that this infamous video remade Hasselhoff’s career. It’s the middle-aged, drunk actor equivalent to a sex tape.

Anaconda III: Offspring

When two gigantic, genetically-enhanced-to-have-knives-for-tails anacondas escape a research facility owned by John Rhys-Davies (naturally), David Hasselhoff is on the case. Here he plays Markos Hammett, a tough-as-nails hunter who is somehow an expert at hunting gigantic, genetically-enhanced-to-have-knives-for-tails anacondas. But does he have his own agenda? Are you actually going to watch it? Because I’ll just tell you if not.

Dancing Ninja

IMDb describes the plot as such: An orphaned boy who dreams of being a ninja arrives in Hollywood to try and find his birth parents, where he gets mixed up in a crime.

Sounds to me like this could be that sequel to Beverly Hills Ninja that is now no longer happening. Too bad too. “Ansel LaDouche” is the role Hasselhoff was born to play. I can see the ascot and everything.

Um… This Thing Where He Played Hitler

He’s really making a go of it over there in Germany.

‘Piranha 3DD’ Teaser Delivers All Of Its Promises

Wookie Johnson — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 13:57:17 +0000

From the looks of this teaser, Piranha 3DD is going to be more gleefully insane than expected. This time around, John Gulager directs the chlorine-adapted killer fish to a water park filled with big breasted model types. And David Hasselhoff is there. As is Ving Rhames, who now has guns for legs.

There’s so much disbelief to suspend here but I’m really having the hardest time getting past the whole hot chicks hanging out at the water park thing. I’m sure they know people who own pools.

David Hasselhoff To Bring His Brand Of ‘Ironic Sexy’ To ‘Piranha 3DD’

Penn Collins — Wed, 11 May 2011 19:19:18 +0000

Add one more ironic name to the C-List cast already attached to Piranha 3DD: David Hasslehoff. I’m as surprised as you are that he was available, but he was. His role wasn’t specified in the release, but one can safely assume that he will be playing “David Hasselhoff,” though possibly with a different name, like “Daniel Hacklebottom” or something.

The Hoff joins Ving Rhames Paul Scheer, Katrina Bowden, David Koechner, and Christopher Lloyd. Kind of a sausagefest. Poor Katrina won’t stand a chance, especially if Ving Rhames is channeling his character “Diamond Dog” from Con Air.

Knight Rider could use this career boost after his reality show on A&E got pulled after just two episodes. People clearly didn’t want to see him living his day-to-day life, but maybe they’ll be interested in seeing him eaten alive by tiny fish with sharp teeth. I think they just might be. (THR)

‘Piranha 3D’ Survivors Lloyd, Rhames, And Scheer Back In The Water

Wookie Johnson — Wed, 04 May 2011 21:01:29 +0000

Having survived the bloodbath in Piranha 3D (or due to the production running out of time and money to film a death scene), Dimension Films has announced that we’ll see some familiar faces in Piranha 3DD.

Three-dimensional Piranha film veterans Christopher Lloyd, Ving Rhames, and Paul Scheer will all return to the waters of the John Gulager-directed sequel. They’ll join previously announced Katrina Bowden, Gary Busey, Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Chris Zylka, David Koechner, and probably some porn stars. The type of porn stars who it would be outlandish to find in a water park.

Katrina Bowden To Serve As Attractive Chum in ‘Piranha 3DD’

Penn Collins — Mon, 02 May 2011 22:27:02 +0000

The sexiest woman alive (according to Esquire) is going to lend her…charms to Piranha 3DD. The extra “D” is for “extra-dramatic performances.” Or huge breasts. Only time will tell.

9 photosGet To Know Katrina Bowden

Bowden, best known as the uber-hot Cerie on”30 Rock,” has thus far participated in some decent television (“Psych,” “Ugly Betty“) and some bad films (Sex Drive, The Shortcut). It appears the trend continues, barring a revelatory performance by Dave Koechner in Piranha 3DD. In addition to Koechner and Bowden, the cast also “boasts” Gary Busey, and a whole grip of lesser-known actors.

I wonder how she’s going to get into character as a hot chick. I bet she’s gonna go method.

‘Piranha 3DD’ Cast Announced: These Men Need To Guard Their Penises

Geoffrey Golden — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 02:34:28 +0000

The piranhas are back. Last time, they invaded a boob-filled Sprin Break. Now they’re ready to ruin a water park during the Summer. There are gonna be a lot of sad essays read for “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” day at school.

Dimension Films has announced the stars of Piranha 3DD, including Danielle Panabaker (Friday the 13th), Matt Bush (Adventureland), Chris Zylka (The Amazing Spider-Man) and David Koechner (Anchorman). Men, watch your dicks. Ladies, learn to breath underwater while doing an awesome lesbian dance. Choreography lessons start on Tuesday.

It’s directed by John Gulager (Feast), so expect the entire Gulager family to take over the movie. Production has started for the sequel, and the film opens it’s toothy-mouths in theaters November 23, 2011. Geez, can’t they make this movie and faster?