Billed as an award show for the people, by the people it leads us to morph into Jerry Seinfeld and ask, “Who ARE these people?” Have you ever voted in the People’s Choice Awards? Are you aware of how one votes in the People’s Choice Awards? Do you have an 11-year old niece who could perhaps explain it to you?

We took a look at past years’ categories, winners, and nominees and noticed some pretty strange doings transpiring. Seriously, who ARE these people?

Also, please not that the original title of this piece was 7 Reasons The People’s Choice Awards Are For Retardos, but we decided to take the high road.

Burt Reynolds

One thing we found is a lack of variety from year to year when it comes to winners and nominees. Johnny Depp has predominantly won Favorite Movie Actor since 2005. Not to mention his win for Favorite Actor of the Decade. Don’t get me wrong. Depp is a great actor despite what Ricky Gervais will tell you. It makes sense that he’d win. What makes zero sense is that Burt F***in’ Reynolds would win top honors five times in six years during the late 70′s/early 80′s. The fact that he was the height of sexiness back then is disturbing (he seems like the type who chews gum while taking a crap). Is that what our dad’s had to compete with? It’s a wonder any of us were ever born.

Favorite Movie Star Under 25

Realizing that Johnny Depp snatching up all the awards was bad business for the Harry Potter franchise, producers needed to introduce a new category. That’s how we got Favorite Movies Star Under 35 in 2008. But that seemed weird considering all of the nominees were 22 tops. So now we have Favorite Movie Star Under 25. It should be called, Pick Your Favorite Between The Cast of Harry Potter and Chloe Moretz.

It would seem that due to the actor‘s impending divorce from starlet Katy Perry, he has been disinvited from the awards ceremony. THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

But when people are heartbroken, that’s when they need the People’s Choice Awards THE MOST!

Perry is nominated for seven awards, whereas Brand hasn’t gotten shit for his turn in Arthur, so the choice was presumably an easy one for producers. The good news here is that if the split remains acrimonious for a long time, we can expect to not see Russell Brand at a lot of our favorite events.

Silver lining!

That’s because Grown Ups, a film that currently has a 10% rating at Rotten Tomatoes*, won the People’s Choice Award for Best Comedy Film of 2010. Adam Sandler also took home an award for Best Comedic Star, which would make total sense if the year was 1997. But it’s not, god damn it!

Look, I understand that the whole point of this award show (aside from selling sh*t) is to give “the people” a say, rather than a bunch of critics and Hollywood insiders. But if Grown Ups is honestly the best “we the people” can come up with, it’s a damn good thing we’re not allowed to vote for president. Zing! With that sort of bland, inoffensive commentary, I’m well on my way to winning a People’s Choice Award of my own!

*See, a snob would have used Metacritic!