The Fountain of Youth offers an easily digestible myth with a clear set of rules. They have to get a mermaid’s tears, two chalices and find the cave. Blackbeard (Ian McShane) needs to get there before the prophecy of his death is fulfilled. See, that makes so much more sense than the last film.

It’s definitely better to have a new adventure with new characters. Dead Man’s Chest and At Worlds End tried so hard to give everyone something to do, they just made a mess of it. Now there’s some new discovery. Angelica’s (Penelope Cruz) history with Jack (Johnny Depp) implies greater stories that went on before. Every character, new or returning, gets the best dramatic introductions.

More Sword Fighting And Flowy Shirts In New 'Pirates Of The Caribbean' Trailer

Blackbeard is way better than Davy Jones. The subtle look of burning embers in the black beard is more impressive than the squid face, and he’s a real hardcore pirate. The young stud priest Phillip (Sam Claflin) and the hottie mermaid Syrena (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) are minimal, as Will (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) should have been.

There’s not enough Barbosa (Geoffrey Rush). He’s following behind Blackbeard’s crew, so we only get to check in with him now and then. But Keith Richards has the best line and a way better cameo this time.

The action is smaller in Tides and that’s better. It’s more about using the environment creatively, not having a giant spectacle. Tides gives each thrill its own space. You get a lot more out of a palm tree catapult, a complex palace escape, or Ponce de Leon’s cabin.

The film retains the Pirates magic, on a more intimate scale. Blackbeard’s powers string his crew up in the masts. See, you don’t need barnacle faces and hammerheads to make movie magic. Mermaids are creatures we already understand so they spark our imaginations on a gut level, both beautiful and monstrous. Dew drops defy physics, so they’re obviously visual effects but it’s subtle.

The 3D even looks better than any other forced 3D blockbuster. They emphasize the open space in scenes like the palace escape. You can definitely see the layers in the ships’ ropes and masts, or jungle paths. Fire looks fantastic in 3D and they even stick some swords in the audience’s faces.

This is how they should keep making Pirates movies. The first one was magical. We’ll never get to see Johnny Depp create a character like that for the first time again, but you don’t need to come up with bigger and more convoluted ideas. Just think of more creative situations to throw at Jack Sparrow, and let Depp work it out.

Directed by Rob Marshall, On Stranger Tides stars Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow and Penelope Cruz as Lady McPirateberg, the boobiest pirate of them all. There’s also Ian McShane‘s Blackbeard, who is totally not cool, you guys.

On Stranger Tides pillages theaters May 20, 2011 in 3D, IMAX 3D and RegularVision 2D.

PENELOPE CRUZ will team up with director Woody Allen once again, this time on a film set in Rome. There are no plot details yet, but the computer program I wrote says the odds are very high that it won’t be as good as earlier Woody Allen movies. (EW)

THANDIE NEWTON will play opposite Tyler Perry in his next film Good Deeds, which Perry will write and direct as well. The film is about a successful businessman who must choose between his rich fiancée and a down-on-her-luck single mother. Even if it’s bad, Newton can take comfort that it can’t be worse than Norbit. (TheWrap)

JAY BARUCHEL will join Robert Pattinson, Samantha Morton, and Paul Giamatti in David Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis. Pattinson plays a billionaire who loses everything he has in one day, including his new wife. Bad things happening to Pattinson, I can get on board with. Baruchel plays the original founder and conscious at Pattinson’s company. (Deadline)

MAGGIE GRACE will star alongside Liam Neeson in Taken 2, produced by Luc Besson. And yes, the will-he-or-won’t-he-tension of whether Neeson would take on Taken 2 has been resolved in the affirmative. Eight-time “Namey” award winner Olivier Megaton will direct. (Deadline) (Collider)

On Stranger Tides

Or perhaps Depp is just looking off into the distance, wondering how he got imprisoned by his own success. There’ll probably be, like, 11 more of these movies, and he can’t refuse those gigantic novelty checks from Disney. There’s not enough will power in the world to resist that kind of sweet, sweet booty. So these might be Stranger Tides for us, but for the guy who’ll be portraying this same character for many more years to come, they’re likely becoming stale waters.

On Stranger Tides mournfully yarrs into theaters May 20th. (ScreenRant)

In the latest installment, Olivia is decked out as the Evil Queen from Snow White, being validated by none other than Alec Baldwin, who probably stares at Olivia Wilde in real life, too.

Less exciting entries in this installment of the campaign include Queen Latifah as Ursula from The Little Mermaid, and Penelope Cruz and Jeff Bridges as Beauty and the Beast, which I feel is really selling Mr. Bridges short in the looks department.

Also in the gallery are earlier photos from the campaign. If you are associated with Disney marketing and can explain Federer’s presence, please shout out in the comments. (/Film)

A word from Penelope: “I’ll see you in our next lives, when we are both cats.”

This Pirates seems to be chock full of everything that we haven’t seen in previous Pirates films. They even capitalized on the whole zombie phenomenon. This could have been intentional or the writers received a mandate to work everything ever into the film. The fourth time around you have to do that. Let’s just hope they keep it under five hours long. Kids can only take so much convoluted plotline.

^{Let’s thank the Internet for this nightmare image.}

Disney has given Ian McShane the executive order to stop shaving. Deadwood‘s pimp and murderer has been selected to portray the notorious pirate Blackbeard in Rob Marshall‘s Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides. It’s time to celebrate. Open the f*ckin’ canned peaches!

If McShane signs on, he’ll be squaring off against Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow as he slurs and mumbles and gets slapped by women while trying to find the Fountain of Youth. Penelope Cruz has also joined the cast recently as Depp’s atractivo sexualmente foil (translation: corset boobs). With these two casting additions, this could be a film to look forward to. Richardson has given it his seal of approval.

 (THR)

If you’re a homophobic straight guy, you might want to shut the eff up right now, because Rob Marshall‘s man-lovin’ ass is about to make it rain hetero-boner pills with his new movie, called Nine. Yes, it’s a musical. And yes, it has dancing and singing. And guess what, bro? Those dancing and singing women happen to be a scantily clad Penelope Cruz, Marion Cotillard, and Nicole Kidman.

So when you’re fap-fap-fappin‘ it up to this here video clip, don’t finish by saying gay guys never did nothing for you.

Director: Rob Marshall

Cast: Daniel Day-Lewis, Penelope Cruz, Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard, Judi Dench

Synopsis: Famous film director Guido Contini struggles to find harmony in his professional and personal lives, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, his mistress, his muse, his agent, and his mother.