X Factor performed decently, but fell short of expectations after X Factor had killed it over in the U.K. Consequently, Cowell appears to be taking a new approach. The dismissal of Scherzinger and Jones came as no surprise since their performances were widely panned, but longtime co-worker Paula Abdul’s dismissal came as a shock to those close to the show.

So, what’s next for Paula? She has a particularly unique skill set that doesn’t lend itself to careers at H&R Block or alpaca-raising. Where does she go from here?

We’ve got some suggestions.

Return as a Cheerleader to the L.A. Lakers

After an unceremonious dismissal in the second round of the playoffs last year, along with some offseason drama, the Lakers are struggling to find a foothold this season. As many know, Abdul was a Laker girl in the 1980’s during the team’s Showtime era, so a return seems like a good fit for her at this stage in her career. While Abdul can’t make the Lakers play any better, she probably could get more people in the seats as the NBA’s only fifty year-old midget cheerleader.

They could also have her join on another capacity, maybe judging the Lakers and their opponents on finesse, moves, singing ability, etc. I would be tempted to watch that.

Reuniting with MC Skat Cat

“Opposites Attract” was Paula Abdul’s greatest song, with “Straight Up” and “Rush, Rush” coming in a distant second and third. This isn’t really up for discussion.

So, it seems logical that a reunion with her “Opposites Attract” co-star, cartoon cat MC Skat Cat would be a smart move. The nice thing is that kids still love cartoons, and that since MC Skat Cat is animated, time hasn’t ravaged his once-youthful looks the way it has Paula’s.

Further, it was more-than-suggested in both the “Opposites Attract” song and video that she was carrying on a romantic and sexual relationship with MC Skat Cat. Take a look:

Where are they now? Given his penchant for cigarettes, perhaps he had a tracheotomy. Does he still steal the covers? Do they have any half-cartoon cat/half-Paula Abdul children? America would like to see them if they do.

Considering that Cowell has blended into the pop culture tapestry over the last few years, I didn’t even notice that the show was ever on the air. My reaction was, ‘Oh. Here’s that guy I won’t watch,’ before turning off the television to go outside and break sticks against trees.  They might want to look a little further than replacing the judges panel and maybe, I don’t know, raise awareness that the show exists. What channel is this thing on?

In the end, the firings are a good thing. Now the door is opened again for the hot but impossible to understand Cheryl Cole. Just use subtitles or something.

(Deadline)

Yes, Ray and Cash and Richards had rich lives that serve as compelling source material for a film, but they aren’t at all fun to watch. The Doors? Not fun. Even a Janis Joplin biopic is in the works. Why do all these films have to end in death? Or enter production decades after a rock star’s relevance?

Let’s celebrate some rock stars of the recent past, both fun and tragic, surviving and passé. Sure, we could wait 25 years to see which acts shake out as “important,” but where’s the fun in such clear hindsight. Here are 9 acts and artists whose stories need to be told, sometimes for the sake of interest, and oft for the sake of comedy.

6. Outkast

Besides still maintaining relevance today (though Big Boi more than Andre 3000), this duo represents a very odd pairing of talents, one a 5’6” traditional hip-hop artist, the other a foppish showman known for blinding as much with his outfits as his lightening-fast delivery. The two met in 1992 at the ages of 16 and 17, respectively, at an Atlanta-area performing art high school. It would be like a non-shitty version of Fame!

Further, it could address their indefinite hiatus without getting all sappy about things. Sure, they might not change the world, but they changed hip-hop, which makes them more interesting to most people than Ray Charles.

Possible Title: An Apology To Ms. Jackson

5. Marilyn Manson

It’s safe to say that, barring a miracle, the clock has run out on his 15 minutes, but I would still like to see how this aspiring demon got to where he was, and how he spends his days now that he is no longer there. What’s on his DVR? Did he shock people by sticking bottles up his ass in high school in Ohio? How did that go over?

If they screenwriters wanted to take a little creative license and just go ahead and say, “Yes, Marilyn Manson In Paul from The Wonder Years” or “Totally! Marilyn Manson had a rib removed so that he could fellate himself,” that would be fine with me. In fact, the latter could be the crux of the third act.

Doctor: Mr. and Mrs. Manson, your son’s surgery is complete.

Mr. Manson: And?…

Doctor: Well, as I said during the pre-op consultation, we won’t know anything for sure for at least four to…

Mr. Manson: Dammit, Doctor! Don’t sugarcoat it! Will my son be able to suck his own dick or not?

Doctor (smiling): It’s looking that way, yes.

(Mother and Father tear up and hug, a bedridden Manson is wheeled out to Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be.”)

Possible Title: Why the Long Face?: The Marilyn Manson Story

4. Paula Abdul

I mean, when it’s Tina Turner or Janis Joplin, we feel like there’s a lot at stake. The audience is taken on a ride during the neuroses, the violence, the addiction. What if I don’t want to be taken on a ride? What if I just want to watch a batshit crazy person live a train wreck of a life so I can feel better about mine? In that case, I want, nay, NEED the Abdul biopic.

Did her last name cause her to be placed on any “no-fly” lists?

Was there any truth to the rumors that she had an affair with MC Skat Kat during the “Opposites Attract” video?

What is Simon Cowell REALLY like offscreen?

The film would answer all those and more.

Possible Title: Paula, Straight Up

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American Idol

The American Idol freight train first got going in 2002 and has become a runaway hit. It has slowed down in recent years but has made a comeback last season thanks to a massive personnel overhaul. Gone are original mainstays Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul. The extravagant Steven Tyler and the beautiful Jennifer Lopez now call the shots alongside Randy Jackson.  This show has great laughs along the way as many self-proclaimed vocalists attempt to wow the judges but end up making a mockery of themselves on national television. The most enjoyable part of the season comes when only the crème de la crème remain. This is the time you and your girlfriend frantically text in your votes after each show to support your favorite performers and keep them in the mix. You’ll be surprised how fun it actually is.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

The Kardashians lawn bowling at Caesar's Palace

As we touched on above, Keeping Up with the Kardashians follows the exploits (and cat fights) of the Kardashians including stepfather and former Olympian, Bruce Jenner, while also featuring a lot of Kim’s beautiful booty. Although the show follows the family doing the most of mundane chores, women love to tune in every week—we’ve already told you why men have stopped complaining.

The Bachelor

The bachelor toasting

For male viewers,  ABC ‘s The Bachelor really isn’t too difficult to watch. A single bachelor, good looking and successful, is made to choose among a pool of beautiful women, most of whom are are head over heels for him. Slowly, the guy eliminates the women he is not interested in until he is left with the one he feels is most right for him (usually the sexiest one in the group). Women hate the way the guy plays around with the feelings of the women in the group as he breaks hearts left and right. Most guys on the other hand, cheer him on. Especially as he makes out with just about all of them.

What Not to Wear

Clinton Kelly and Stacy London of What Not To Wear

Hosted by the lovely Stacy London and the ever-so-funny fashion consultant Clinton Kelly, the show features participants nominated by their closest friends and family because of their utter disdain for style. The duo teaches these unfashionable individuals how to properly mix and match clothing and in-show hair and makeup stylists then give them a serious makeover. The result is usually a shocker as the previously bland looking participants end up looking like fashion models. Making normal women look hot? How can that be a bad thing to be subjected to?

Cheaters

Joey Greco confronting a cheater

The wild and woolly syndicated show, Cheaters follows host Joey Greco, as he takes on cases of suspected infidelity. The host uses private detectives who stake out the partner in question and set up surveillance cameras to help catch them in the act. When they have sufficient evidence, the tapes are presented to the complainant who then confronts the cheating partner. The production even has a brazen camera crew that gets into the middle of whatever melee erupts. Watching the show is often used as a preemptive measure by your wife or girlfriend to make sure that you are on the up and up because if you’re not, Joey Greco is just a phone call away. If you yourself have nothing to hide, watching the confrontations is always a barrel of laughs.

Though it’s been known for awhile that he and producer L.A. Reid would serve as judges on the show, he’s now announced who he would like to join him as he berates would-be stars. Cowell would like to bring fellow U.K. ‘X Factor’ judge Cheryl Cole over because, just look at here. I’d want her seated to my right all day, everyday too. He may be blind when picking out t-shirts and instructing his hairdresser, but you’ve gotta give him credit here.

Of course, to guarantee we’d don’t get too hot and bothered, he’d also like to bring old chum Paula Abdul on to judge. Negotiations with Abdul have yet to begin, but I imagine they will be untranslatable through the slurring and then one eye-lid will continue to open and close itself like a broken baby doll. (Deadline)