The other new release to crack the top five was Priest, the Paul Bettany-hunts vampires-in-3D movie, which snagged the number four spot with a weekend gross of $14.5 million.Fast Five continued its triumph with a number 3 $19.5 million gross, and Rio continued its reign of terror at number 5, with $8 million. Who says CGI parrots can’t be funny? (Box Office Mojo)

First of all, who decided that this blue/gray color was cool? Second, what is a diehard vampire fan supposed to enjoy about this, let alone a casual viewer? So priests are actually vampire killers now, and they do the exact same moves all the other vampire slayers did and kill the same wrinkly, toothy CGI monsters.

The characters are only superficially priests anyway. Priest (Paul Bettany) checks in with his boss at a confessional, he prays to God and has a cross tattooed on his nose, but there’s no religious mythology about it. He defies your standard hooded counsel in a dirty future. Sheriff Hicks (Cam Gigandet) says he heard Priest was the best vampire killer, in case the fact that he’s the star of the movie doesn’t tell us that already.

New ‘Priest’ Trailer A Work Of Vampire Alarmism

They’re hunting for Lucy (Lily Collins), a farm girl kidnapped by Black Hat (Karl Urban), a former priest who Priest (Bettany) lost in the war. Priest and Hicks question suspects and fight vampires along the way. They keep talking about the old days as if that’s atmosphere. Priestess (Maggie Q) hooks up with them midway and tells us more about PTSD to be sure we all understand the priests’ struggles.

Look, you can use the formula if you’re celebrating it. Priest just feels stuck and the characters can’t get out. They even cut a decent trailer, so if they can make a trailer look cool, why not actually make a good movie? The point should be to create the coolest vampire action you can imagine, not just do the moves you saw other vampire killers do in other movies no one cared about. Priest may step on flying rocks in mid air and throw some crosses as ninja stars, but that’s still way behind the action of movies like Shoot ‘Em Up or Hobo with a Shotgun, let alone what the Thais are doing.

Priest tries to be Clint Eastwood so everything he says is a slogan about being numb to violence. Black Hat is all about “join me, join me…” Maybe if bad guys want friends so badly they should stop being evil. There’s only one good Maggie Q fight, in the desert by the train tracks. They even do the Cliffhanger “I won’t let you go” bit, although the audience for this movie wasn’t born yet in 1993 so it’s new to them.

The crew may have put a lot into the sets but they just look like generic rubble. See, it takes just as long to construct a dump as it does to make Blade Runner. Jericho actually ends up looking like a real post-apocalyptic town, for the two scenes we get to see it.

It just makes me sad to think director Scott Stewart and all the artists under him had high ambitions and substantial resources… for this. They think they’re making their ultimate vision, but I bet the studio knew the whole time. The executives probably figured out exactly what they needed to spend to make the bare minimum profit from an audience that already existed, so they didn’t strive for more.

Director: Scott Charles Stewart

Cast:Paul Bettany, Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q

Synopsis: A priest disobeys church law to track down the vampires who kidnapped his niece.

Release Date: May 13, 2011

Anyway, this trailer is more of that, including the amusing assertion that “there is no vampire threat.” I wonder if that’s an intentional reference to Michael Moore‘s famous line that “there is no terrorist threat”? Probably not.

I don’t know what else to say about Priest, except that it’s coming out on May 13, making it one of those “summer is almost here” movies that I have such a fondness for. Can’t wait!

Director: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck

Cast: Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie Paul Bettany

Synopsis: Revolves around Frank, an American tourist visiting Italy to mend a broken heart. Elise is an extraordinary woman who deliberately crosses his path.

Release Date: December 10, 2010

If you’re into blind vampires, Catholicism, and Paul Bettany’s abs, you’re really going to like this new trailer for Priest. If you could live without most of those things, you clearly haven’t looked hard enough at Paul Bettany‘s abs. A man of the cloth with a six pack like that. It’s almost not fair, am I right, ladies?

The film stars Paul Bettany’s abs, Karl Urban, Lily Collins, Maggie Q, Christopher Plummer, Cam Gigandet, and Stephen Moyer. The story revolves around a legendary Warrior Priest (Bettany’s abs) who lives in obscurity among other downtrodden human inhabitants in walled-in dystopian cities ruled by the Church. When his niece (Collins) is abducted by a murderous pack of vampires, Priest breaks his sacred vows to venture out on a quest to find her before they turn her into one of them. Maggie Q and Cam Gigandet also help kick some blind vampire ass. Seems unfair going up against handicapped vampires, but if they’re anything like my neighbor, they don’t let you steal their valuables without leaving some teeth marks first.

I can’t embed or download the trailer, so check it out at Crackle here.

Director: Scott Charles Stewart

Cast:Paul Bettany, Maggie Q., Karl Urban, Christopher Plummer, Brad Dourif

Synopsis: A priest disobeys church law to track down the vampires who kidnapped his niece.

Release: May 13, 2011

Oh good, another friggen vampire movie. But in all fairness, at least Priest takes place in the future, and to be honest, looks kind of awesome.

"In a world wrecked by centuries of violent warfare between man and vampire, a warrior priest turns against the church in order to save his kidnapped niece from a homicidal gang of vampires."

Between this character and the priest in Machete, I’m beginning to think the Vatican has launched some sort of PR campaign to make priests seem more like bad asses and less like effeminate child-molesters. Good luck with that. (Coming Soon)

Watch the Priest trailer after the jump…

Priest Trailer – Watch more Movie Trailers

The new red-band trailer for LEGION hit the nets today and it looks like a winner so far.  Paul Bettany stars as a loose-cannon version of Michael the Archangel, who comes down to Earth against God’s wishes in order to ensure the savior of humanity currently incubating in his mother’s womb survives an onslaught of evil demons.  Phew. It’s like the Catholic church rewrote the script for TERMINATOR 2 and managed to keep the badassitude. 

If only the Bible had calculating-ass, glock-wielding angels and demon grandmas dropping F-bombs before tearing off people’s faces, maybe I would have stayed Catholic. Maybe after Monopoly, Candyland and Battleship, a studio can give the Bible a much needed cinematic update (with a cameo from Brendan Fraser and music by Kid Rock, of course.)

Here are your decidedly most unholy links of the day:

_{Ashley Smith Appears To Not Own A Bathing Suit (Gorillamask)}

_{How To Get A Bartender’s Attention (Holytaco)}

_{Neverending Story Van Lady Vs. Filmdrunkards (Filmdrunk)}

_{25 Funny Misspelled Tattoos (Manofest)}

_{Duck Hunter Minus The Classic Game Console (Walyou)}

_{The Worst Book To Film Adaptations Ever (Pajiba)}

_{23 Movie Plots That Could’ve Been Solved In Minutes (Cracked)}

_{Town Hall Internal Memos (Maxim)}

_{Jude Law’s Baby Mama Photo Album (Celebjihad)}

_{The Cost In US Dollars To Fall In Love (Mademan)}

_{Brock Lesnar Ruins Bud Light (Cagepotato)}

_{When Video Game Characters Turn To Acting (Unreality)}

_{How To Properly Torture An Alien (Asylum)}

_{Amanda Is America’s Hottest Community College Student (Bustedcoverage)}

_{The 15 Ugliest Soccer Players In The World (Uncoached)}

_{Rally Car Drivers Vs. Lake (Regretfulmorning)}

_{Zipline Tree Collision Prevents Man From Reproducing (Nothingtoxic)}

_{Ne Ninja Assassin Photos (Filmofilia)}

Director: Scott Stewart

Cast: Paul Bettany, Denis Quaid, Kate Walsh, Adrianne Palicki, Willa Holland

Synopsis: The archangel Michael defends humanity from the apocalypse once God loses faith in his creations.  Michael leads strangers who are defending a woman pregnant with the second coming of Jesus.

Release Date: January 22, 2010