In light of these stances, we thought we’d take a crack at examining some films that Santorum would just HATE. The following films are against everything Santorum stands for, which could be a good thing, or could be a bad thing, depending on your liberal leanings.

Brokeback Mountain

Santorum may or may not have gone into this film terribly under-informed, expecting a movie about cowboys who enjoy life on the range while eating beans, playing guitars and drinking moonshine out of a jar. He did not expect the cowboys to kiss each other and make love while one of them is wearing Rick Perry’s jacket. He also wishes that he had waited to adopt his campaign slogan, “Santorum ’06: You Wish You Knew How To Quit Me” until he had ascertained the content of the film.

Boat Trip

If I know Rick Santorum, which I don’t at all, I’m guessing that he would intensely dislike Boat Trip. The film features Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sanz pretending to be gay on a gay cruise so that Gooding can woo a woman. My theory is that while Santorum doesn’t care for gays of any type, he especially doesn’t like his gays to be black or overweight, making this film an “avoid-at-all-costs.” It was also directed by a guy named “Mort Nathan,” a name that sounds pretty Jewish to me. Ugh. Strike three.

Can we just start by talking about Swayze? This cigarette-chomping centerpiece of Point Break is one of few actors to successfully unite the roles of heartthrob and legit bad ass. The Point Break remake was originally a sequel, something we can be cautiously optimistic about. Apparently Warner Bros. couldn’t wait until his corpse was cold to start violating it. It doesn’t matter who you get, WB — they won’t be Swayze.

It’s Already Licensed

They haven’t just made plans for a film. Warner Bros. has already licensed the film for television and games. Get ready for a sub-par USA Network weekly starring Matthew Lillard and Jamie Kennedy and an MMORPG where you can decide which ex-president you want to be.

Ex-Presidents

Not to put too fine a point on it, but the idea of bank robbers in Bill Clinton and George (H.)W. Bush masks is… well, stupid. Part of the charm of the original is the sheer Americana of the masks. Nixon, Reagan and Johnson are defining men of an era. While this is also true of Clinton and Bush the younger, it’s hard to see a man in a Bubba mask being anything other than comical, even when he’s holding a gun in your face.

Instead of making a joke here, I’m just going to go on record as saying this is a very bad idea.

The scribe behind Salt, Kurt Wimmer, will be putting together a film that incorporates a bunch of contemporary bullshit into a movie that was just fine to begin with. Whoever is behind this clearly holds nothing sacred and will put together a film that falls way short of the original, but I would like to chip in my two cents to make sure the remake is as ephemeral and awful as possible.

Cast:

Johnny Utah – Tobey Maguire

Bodhi – Dax Shepard

Tyler – Katy Perry

Pappas – Jon Cryer

featuring an original soundtrack by Bruno Mars.

In closing, I leave you with this quote from producer Michael DeLuca. Feel free to read it then go take a shower: “Point Break wasn’t just a film, it was a Zen meditation on testosterone fueled action and manhood in the late 20th century and we hope to create the same for the young 21st!”

When Randy Quaid and his wife Evi fled to Canada to protect themselves from the so-called “Hollywood Star Whackers,” the media was quick to mock and ridicule the couple. After all, the talking heads of the 24-hour news cycle have a vested interest in protecting their shadowy overlords. “Revered journalists” like Brian Williams and Mario Lopez all suck from the same corporate teat, so anything that would disrupt the flow of their putrid financial milk (like the murder of David Carradine and Heath Ledger) is a threat that must be buried. And what better way to bury a story than to discredit the source, in this case, one of America’s most beloved actors, Randy Quaid.

Well, now the media’s chickens have come home to roost. With the recent high-profile death of Hollywood publicist Ronni Chasen, and the alleged suicide of a so-called “person of interest” in the case, the 4th estate can no longer sweep the facts under the rug. The “Hollywood Star Whackers” are real, and they walk among us.

But the real question remains: who is pulling the strings? Is it the Vatican Bank? The Elders of Zion? The Illuminati? Gary Busey? In order to find out, we have to establish motive. And before we can establish motive, we have to acknowledged the crimes. After weeks of painstaking research, I’ve come up with this list of seven probable victims of the “Hollywood Star Whackers.” They are the key to figuring out the “who” and “why”…and god willing, maybe “how much” and “how many.” We’re through the looking glass.

Patrick Swayze

Nobody backs baby in to a corner, especially not some punk ass bitch like cancer. You mean to tell me that the dude who cleaned up the Double Deuce is going to fall to a cluster of uncontrolled cell growth in his pancreas? Not bloody likely. Yeah, he lost a lot of weight, but I’ll bet you dollars to donuts he was being slowly poisoned by his doctors via the “Star Whackers.” That’s why I don’t vaccinate my kids. Doctors; what the hell do they know?

Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan may have been the 40th President of the United States, but he was also a well-known actor. This made him a target. It’s said that Reagan passed away in 2004 after a ten-year battle with Alzheimer’s disease. But do they really expect us to believe that a healthy 84-year old could decline so rapidly in the span of a single decade? Something doesn’t add up. If I had to guess, I’d say the “Star Whackers” accelerated the Gipper’s demise by exploiting his sweet-tooth via arsenic-flavored jelly beans.

Bernie Mac

Now listen up, America. Bernie Mac did not die of “sarcoidosis,” whatever the hell that is. The same group that introduced HIV and crack cocaine to the African-American community just couldn’t bear to see a black actor get ahead. Bernie was taken out, just like Biggie, Tupac, and the guy from those “Waaaaazzuuuup!” commercials. Look it up.

Greg Giraldo

Why would anyone want to kill comedian Greg Giraldo? Oh, I don’t know. He was only an insult comic with a knack for skewering celebrities. In a sense, he’d become a bit of a“Star Whacker” in his own right. My guess is someone didn’t want the competition. Connect the dots, you ignorant fools.

Leslie Nielsen

Just a few days ago, I watched The Naked Gun. During the film, Leslie Nielsen seemed so full of life. Yet earlier this week, he supposedly died of phenomena? What gives? Do the math, people. It was “Star Whackers,” plain and simple. Watch your back, George Kennedy.

Billy Mays

According to the coroner’s report for TV pitchman Billy Mays, heart disease was the “primary cause of death” and cocaine was a “contributory” factor. Now why would Billy Mays, a man who was so full of life, a man who could get ridiculously excited over a product as stupid as the Awesome Auger, need to get coked up? He was practically bursting at the seems with energy, 24/7. I know a smokescreen when I see it.

Larry King

When it comes to whacking stars, there’s no prize greater than a legendary talk-show host. Johnny Carson learned that the hard way a few years back. This year, Larry King learned it, too. The official cause of death was listed as…what…wait…he’s not dead. OK, never mind. Scratch that one. My bad. But watch your back, King! They’re coming for you!

Ghost Dad

The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Just Like Heaven

Heart and Souls

Casper

The Sixth Sense

Vigo the Carpathian

Return of the Jedi

Patrick Swayze

People die, and it’s very sad, but when you’re famous, or even "famous," television networks and award ceremonies put together an in memorium video that reminds everyone that you died, how attractive you were when you were younger, and how you used to work on projects that weren’t complete sh*t. Below is a remembrance video that Turner Classic Movies put together that does all those things, and also displays some fantastic Autumn foliage. Are the dead people supposed to be the wind or the leaves? My guess is there’s a little bit of them in every one of us. It’s comforting to know that Michael Jackson is inside me right now.