Upton stars in the latest Carl’s Jr. ad. These ads have become an institution, featuring an impossibly hot celebrity eating the diarrhea-inducing sandwiches in the most softcore way possible. Like pin up girls getting down on some fast food.

Critics of these ads feel these advertisements are in extremely bad taste as they reduce women into nothing more than props bent and manipulated for male entertainment. Props that we can now compare to one another and evaluate. And such, here are the five hottest Carl’s Jr ads ranked in order of hottest to most tame.

Kate Upton

Kate Upton deserves an award. All the awards actually. With her new Carl’s Jr ad she lifts the series out of a dark place where it had previously run a ground. Wearing this tiny polka dot dress, she bites into a spicy Carl’s Jr sandwich at the drive-inn. The resulting place causes her to writhe around and strip in the car‘s backseat. Not in a “Hey, we better call 9-1-1″ kind of way, but in a “Hey, I should be using my camera phone right now,” kind of way.

My only question though is, why would this girl have to take herself out on a date?

Watching this at the Internet Cafe will get you:

6 out of 6 craned necks.

However, as the word “equality” would indicate, the floodgates to vote were opened to all women, much as they are to all men, regardless of their ability to make an informed decision about any mundane detail, let alone who the nation’s leader should be. So while there is no question that there are millions of men who would be just as at home on a list like this, there are also millions of women. However, since I don’t feel like writing this article for the next 20 years, I’ve dropped the number to nine and limited the scope to actresses.

Some people just aren’t fit to govern themselves.

9. Tara Reid

We are all really excited about the Big Lebowski sequel that Reid has up her sleeve. Even though neither Coen brother, nor any of the original cast members were aware of such a sequel, she took the liberty of announcing it to the world while outside of a charity event earlier this year.

When she’s not imagining her own sequels, she can also be found absently staring off into space or exposing her breasts on red carpets. But she’s got a soft side, too. Just ask her dog Stoli. Seriously. She named an animal “Stoli.”

8. Paris Hilton

Criss Angel? She definitely would have voted Nader.

The 26th amendment dropped the voting age from 21 to 18, effective in 1971. However, this threshold only considers actual age, and not emotional or intellectual age. If either of those were factors, not only would Paris Hilton not be voting, but she’d probably be running around in Jolly Jumper, wetting her Huggies.

Ironically enough, she was a champion of the “Vote or Die” voting campaign in 2004. Easy choice. “Die,” Paris.

7. Suzanne Somers

When she’s not appearing on late night talk shows stoned out of her gourd, she’s taking her precious moments of clarity to share pearls of wisdom such as “chemotherapy drugs really killed Patrick Swayze.” Don’t expect to get rid of her anytime soon, though, as her newest compulsion has bee fighting aging.

She wages this battle by injecting her vagina (you can go ahead and make your own joke here; I’m tired) with various drugs, and taking a literal bucketful of supplements and vitamins. I wasn’t thrilled that Michael Jackson had the right to vote, and it’s pretty clear that Ms. Thighmaster is quickly on the same course as the King of Pop.

Well played, Walk of Fame. Well played. Except that Whitney Houston already has a star on the world famous sidewalk. Why the change of heart? Granted, she received the star years before Bobby Brown went public with the story about the time he pulled a lodged doodoo bubble out of her booty, however who are you to judge? It used to be that anyone who was a public figure in their field for five years and willing to spend $30,000 was welcome to buy the honor. Is reality money not good enough for you? Besides Mob Wives money, of course.

Ana Martinez, vice president for media relations and producer for the Hollywood Walk of Fame, explains that “It’s just not on the radar for us right now.”

Martinez tells CNN that nominees need to meet the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce’s criteria: awards and honors in entertainment, philanthropic work, as well as longevity in the field and the willingness to agree to the ceremony and pay $30,000 for the star’s installation and upkeep on the street.

Okay. Then let’s go down that checklist.

If the committee is true to their word, there are reality stars that actually fit the bill. Think of those mainstays that are always punching each other on The Real World/Road Rules Challenges. They’ve been at that for a decade at least. I’d consider that show’s $160,000 prize and Kia Sorrentos that they give away to count as both an award AND an honor. As far as philanthropic work goes, porn counts. That just leaves the matter of the $30,000 fee. Dunbar, are you good for it?

Okay. Perhaps the Douchebag Olympians aren’t the best example. Let’s move on to Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Both have been mainstays in the reality spotlight for a good deal of time. They’ve appeared on The Simple Life as far back as 2003. The $30,000 fee shouldn’t be a problem either. They reportedly make $50K per tweet. Then there’s the philanthropic work. Once again, porn counts. Other than that, they’ve both funded AIDS research. As far as awards go, I’ll have you know that Hilton has three Razzies and one Teen Choice whereas Kardashian also has a Teen Choice award (she came close to winning a Razzie for her performance in Disaster Movie but was edged out by Hilton’s performance in Hottie and the Nottie).

Sounds to me like we have two successful young ladies who have proven themselves against all categories. And YOU KNOW they love a good ceremony. Now, if you don’t mind, give them their dumb stars already.

The show further lost favor with the network due to Oxygen’s sleeper smash Th Glee Project. So does this mean that Paris Hilton is less popular than a singing gay handicapped boy? I’m going to go ahead and say yes.

More important than the cancellation of the show itself is the fact that this may be a harbinger that people are no longer paying attention to Paris Hilton. Granted, they probably just moved on to Kim Kardashian, but I see that as a slight improvement, if only because Kim K has an insanely slappable ass, whereas the only thing slappable on Hilton was her face.

According to the "like nachos, but zestier" Film Drunk, The Paris Hilton documentary Paris, Not France – soon to send a generation of geography teachers to suicidal lows – just released this three-minute teaser-trailer.  Read FD’s in-depth analysis, which coins the soon-to-be-on-a-tee-shirt term, “PAPARAZZI ASS DILDO PARTY” here.

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